“Why do people say they wish every day was Friday? If it was always Friday, we’d be here every freakin’ day.” — Ed Bernard
“Imagine if fire extinguishers were full of snow. Imagine the fun we could have.”
– Neil Hilborn
The number of followers you have doesn't make you better than anyone else. Hitler had millions, Jesus had 12. -- Anonymous
"I went home with this French guy ’cause he said something adorable, like, ‘I have an apartment.’" — Amy Schumer
"I would like to find a stew that will give me heartburn immediately, instead of at three o'clock in the morning."
– John Barrymore
"The trouble with eating Italian food is that five or six days later, you're hungry again."
— George Miller
"I’m like old wine. They don’t bring me out very often… but I’m well preserved." - Rose Kennedy
“It’s money. I remember it from when I was single.” – Billy Crystal
“I’ve always loved yoga because you get to connect to a deep religious truth while stretching your legs.” — Katya Zamolodchikova
"I go to the gym three days a week. You have to or else - I don't want to be the guy that dies shoveling snow."
- Douglas Coupland
"In every good marriage, it pays sometimes to be a little deaf." — Ruth Bader Ginsburg
“Sometimes when I close my eyes, I can’t see.”
“A perfect summer day is when the sun is shining, the breeze is blowing, the birds are singing, and the lawnmower is broken.”
– James Dent
“On my income tax 1040 it says “Check this box if you are blind.” I wanted to put a check-mark about three inches away.”
– Tom Lehrer
"Driving is a spectacular form of amnesia. Everything is to be discovered, everything to be obliterated."
– Jean Baudrillard
“There is nowhere morning does not go.”
– Leah Hager Cohen
“Mother Nature is providential. She gives us twelve years to develop a love for our children before turning them into teenagers.”
- William Galvin.
“Fond of doctors, little health, Fond of lawyers, little wealth.”
Proverb
"Men do not quit playing because they grow old—they grow old because they quit playing." - Oliver Wendell Holmes
“When I was 16 I worked in a pet store, and they fired me because . . . they had three snakes, and one day I braided them.” – Steven Alexander Wright
“I’m not retiring, I am graduating . . . retirement means that you’ll just go ahead and live on your laurels and surf all day in Oceanside. It ain’t going to happen.” – Junior Seau
"There's lots of people in this world who spend so much time watching their health that they haven't the time to enjoy it." - Josh Billings
Adults are always asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up because they're looking for ideas.
Paula Poundstone
There are five stages in the life of an actor: Who’s Mary Astor? … Get me Mary Astor… Get me a Mary Astor type… Get me a young Mary Astor… Who’s Mary Astor?
Mary Astor
“My father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic.”—Spike Milligan
"People ask me what I’d most appreciate getting for my eighty-seventh birthday. I tell them, a paternity suit." - George Burns
"Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!"
“A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.”
- Steve Martin
"If I knew I was going to live this long, I'd have taken better care of myself." —Mickey Mantle
"Even if the farmer intends to loaf, he gets up in time to get an early start."
- E.W. Howe
"Death, taxes, and childbirth! There's never any convenient time for any of them."
― Margaret Mitchell
"Stupidity is like a giant car heading towards a brick wall and everyone's arguing over where they're going to sit."
“Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.” - Steven Wright
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“Hiking—much like drinking—is something that sounds more fun to the uninitiated than it actually is.” – Mindy McGinnis
"I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage." -Erma Bombeck
“My job is fun! I should change this line once in a while. My brain has started to realize that I am lying to it every morning."
~ Anonymous
"I love when my kids tells me they’re bored. As if the lady standing in front of a full sink of dirty dishes is where you go to get ideas about how to have a good time." – Unknown
“My esteem in this country has gone up substantially. It is very nice now that when people wave at me, they use all their fingers.”
Jimmy Carter
"My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don't really know me." Garry Shandling
"Between lovers, a little confession is a dangerous thing." — Helen Rowland
“The tax collector must love poor people, he’s creating so many of them.”
– Bill Vaughan
"I refuse to admit I’m more than fifty-two, even if that does make my sons illegitimate." - Nancy Astor
“Monday should be optional.”
“If you think about a Thanksgiving dinner, it’s really like making a large chicken.” —Ina Garten
"Bulb: potential flower buried in Autumn, never to be seen again."
- Henry Beard
If there were no God, there would be no atheists. -- G. K. Chesterton
"You may marry the man of your dreams, ladies, but fourteen years later you’re married to a couch that burps." - Roseanne Barr
“Whenever a man does a thoroughly stupid thing, it is always from the noblest motives.”
- Oscar Wilde
"I love love, and I’m very hopeful and was raised on all the fairy tales everyone else had. I just noted that everyone’s mom was dead and real princesses get beheaded, so I just have a more realistic take on it."
- Amy Schumer
“Before marriage, a girl has to make love to a man to hold him. After marriage, she has to hold him to make love to him.” — Marilyn Monroe
“You’re not truly a parent until you’ve yelled at your kid for drinking fluid on a road trip because now they have to pee again.”
— Abe Yospe
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