"If you were to open up a baby’s head – and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should – you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland." – Dave Barry
The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, but the fly comes close. -- Mark Twain
"Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors... and miss."
- Robert A. Heinlein
"Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do practice?" —George Carlin
“Good friends don’t let you do stupid things… alone.”
— Unknown
“What brothers say to tease their sisters has nothing to do with what they really think of them.”—Esther Friesner
“You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.” —Franklin P. Adams
“I only go to yoga to drink wine, so I’m good. I just throw the calories right back in.” – Kaley Cuoco
"Old age is when you resent the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated because there are fewer articles to read." – George Burns
"Stupidity is a talent for misconception."
- Edgar Allan Poe
"Reality is the leading cause of stress among those in touch with it." —Lily Tomlin
"Family Vacation (n.) A time for you to remember why your family never spends any time together."
“Mountains have a way of dealing with overconfidence.” – Hermann Buhl
“In olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar, a practice which is still very much practiced.” —Helen Rowland
"Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed." — Albert Einstein
Steve Martin
The last woman I was in was the Statue of Liberty.
“I am your best friend, and there isn’t anything you can do about it!”
— Unknown
"I just want someone to look at me the way I look at food."
— Unknown
It would be nice to spend billions on schools and roads, but right now that money is desperately needed for political ads.
Andy Borowitz
“Family is just accident...They don’t mean to get on your nerves. They don’t even mean to be your family, they just are.”
- Marsha Norman
“When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.”
– Prince Philip
"A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke."
“A good friend will always stab you in the front.”
— Oscar Wilde
"There should be sympathy cards for having to go back to work after vacation."
Woddy Allen
Honolulu – it’s got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife’s mother.
"My wife is really sentimental. One Valentine’s Day I gave her a ring and to this day she has never forgotten those three little words that were engraved inside — Made in Taiwan."
- Leopold Fechner.
“Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.”
E. B. White
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
“As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.”
Buddy Hackett
“Hope my relatives are getting along with the professional line sitter I hired to hold my place at the front of the Thanksgiving food line.” —John Lyon
“We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.” - Henry Youngman
"It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like." —Jackie Mason
“I now pronounce you man and wife. You may now change your Facebook status.”—Anonymous
“The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.”—Lucille Ball
“Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that is how dogs spend their lives.”
- Sue Murphy.
“It’s a bit unnerving That doctors call what they do practice.”
Unknown
"Real gardeners buy at least ten thousand plants in the course of a lifetime without having the least idea where they'll put any of them when they get home."
— Anonymous
“If you’re searching for that one person that will change your life, take a look in the mirror.”
“My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I’m right.”
Ashleigh Brilliant
“Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings.”
Robert Benchley
Fame changes a lot of things, but it can't change a light bulb.
Gilda Radner
“Old age isn’t so bad when you consider the alternative.” – Maurice Chevalier
"Death, taxes, and childbirth! There's never any convenient time for any of them."
― Margaret Mitchell
“They say that love is more important, but have you ever tried to pay your bills with a hug?” – Anonymous
"I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits. he other two are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves"
“Every time I do something silly, it comes off really funny because it’s natural.”
- Shaquille O’Neal
“I just want to be friends. Plus a little extra. Also, I love you.” - Dwight Schrute, 'The Office'
“Beat the 5 o’clock rush, leave work at noon.” — Anonymous
“I think if we tell people that the brain is an app, they will start using it.”
Anonymous
"A vacation frequently means that the family goes away for a rest, accompanied by a mother who sees that the others get it."
— Marcelene Cox
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