“You dropped your kid off a changing table? Stuff just happens, okay? Last week, my kid ate a cigarette. I caught him playing in the dryer yesterday. I picked up the wrong baby from daycare. I found my baby swimming in the toilet. No judging.”
- 'What To Expect When You Are Expecting'.
"My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one."
“People are living longer than ever before, a phenomenon undoubtedly made necessary by the 30-year mortgage." ~Doug Larson
“If you’re searching for that one person that will change your life, take a look in the mirror.”
“Is it Monday already? I’m almost positive I did not get my entire portion of the weekend.”
"A good marriage is like a casserole: Only those responsible for it really know what goes in it." - Unknown
“Leaders who don’t listen will eventually be surrounded by people who have nothing to say.” – Andy Stanley
"Why should I do anything for posterity? What has posterity ever done for me?"
“Creativity is allowing yourself to make mistakes. Art is knowing which ones to keep.” – Scott Adams
“Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.”
Dave Barry
"This is by far your worst idea ever…I’ll be there in 15 minutes."
— Unknown
"Better to keep silent and let people think you are a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt."
- Abraham Lincoln
“Friends give you a shoulder to cry on. But best friends are ready with a shovel to hurt the person that made you cry.”
— Unknown
“Working is bad enough in the winter, but in the summer it can become completely intolerable.”-
Tom Hodgkinson
“Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women; a little bit of support and a little bit of freedom.” - Jerry Seinfeld
"Do you have any idea how cheap stocks are? Wall Street is now being called Wall Mart Street." ~ Jay Leno
"A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere."
“I’m so naive about finances. Once my mother mentioned an amount and I realized I didn’t understand, she had to explain, ‘That’s like three Mercedes.’ Then I understood.” – Brooke Shields
“It’s money. I remember it from when I was single.” – Billy Crystal
"Woke up this morning with a terrific urge to lie in bed all day and read."
– Raymond Carver
“After a good dinner, one can forgive anybody, even one’s own relations.” —Oscar Wilde
"There are two ways of waking up in the morning. One is to say, 'Good morning, God,' and the other is to say, 'Good God, morning'!"
– Fulton J. Sheen.
"If you love someone set them free. If they come back, set them on fire."
- George Carlin
“Monday: One of those days when even when your coffee needs a coffee.”
My favorite outdoor activity is the short walk back inside.
“Children really can brighten up a house, because they never turn the lights off.”
- Ralph Bus.
"I need 6 months of vacation. Twice a year."
“I travel a lot, I hate having my life disrupted by routine.”
– Caskie Stinnett
“Older siblings: the only people who will pick on you for their own entertainment and beat up anyone else who tries.”—Unknown
“I think Smithers picked me because of my motivational skills. Everyone says they have to work a lot harder when I’m around.” — Homer Simpson
“I hate mornings and Mondays. And working. But other than that I am entirely happy.”
“Husbands and wives are irritating. But without them, who would we blame for misplacing our socks?”—Janet Periat
“I believe in hard work. But, it will take some time to make this believe into a real thing!"
~ Anonymous
“What does a snail say when he rides on the back of a turtle?
“Whee!”
- Will Durst
“A loyal friend laughs at your jokes when they’re not so good, and sympathizes with your problems when they’re not so bad.”
— Arnold H. Glasgow
“Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow…somewhere else!”
"Americans will eat garbage provided you sprinkle it liberally with ketchup."
— Henry James
“Winter blues are cured every time with a potato gratin paired with a roast chicken.”
– Alexandra Guarnaschelli
“Don't be so humble – you are not that great.”
Golda Meir
"Strength is the capacity to break a chocolate bar into four pieces with your bare hands - and then eat just one of the pieces."
— Judith Viorst
“I always give 100% at Work: 10% Monday, 23% Tuesday, 40% Wednesday, 22% Thursday, and 5% Friday.” –Anonymous
Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares?... He’s a mile away and you’ve got his shoes!
Billy Connolly
“Be a pineapple: stand tall, wear a crown, and be sweet on the inside.”
“When your children are teenagers, it’s important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you.”
- Nora Ephron.
"Food is an important part of a balanced diet." —Fran Lebowitz
"If only one could tell true love from false love as one can tell mushrooms from toadstools."
- Katherine Mansfield
“I always carry a knife in my purse, just in case we’re having cake.”
― Unknown
Bill Murray
“Do you ever get halfway through eating a horse and go ‘you know, I’m not as hungry as thought I was’?”
“You can always tell when a man's well informed. His views are pretty much like your own.”
H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
“It’s my car now, but as soon as it’s fixed, it’ll be my daughter’s again.”
– Jeff Stahler
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