“Nothing compares to the stomach ache you get from laughing with friends.”
— Unknown
“What’s worth doing is worth doing for money.” –Gordon Gekko (Michael Douglas) Wall Street
"Carbs are the answer. No matter the question."
— Unknown
"Military justice is to justice what military music is to music."
“Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.”
Thomas A. Edison
"I was thinking about how people seem to read the bible a lot more as they get older, and then it dawned on me—they’re cramming for their final exam."- George Carlin
“In the family sandwich, the older people and the younger ones can recognize one another as the bread. Those in the middle are, for a time, the meat.”
- Anna Quindlen
“I eat cake every day because somewhere out there it’s someone’s birthday and I like to celebrate.”
― Unknown
“Because the greatest part of a road trip isn’t arriving at your destination. It’s all the wild stuff that happens along the way.”
– Emma Chase
“Gardener’s recipe: one-part soil, two-parts water, three-parts wishful thinking.”
— Anonymous
"An income tax form is like a laundry list - either way you lose your shirt."
- Fred Allen
"I love love, and I’m very hopeful and was raised on all the fairy tales everyone else had. I just noted that everyone’s mom was dead and real princesses get beheaded, so I just have a more realistic take on it."
- Amy Schumer
“Dear winter, I’m breaking up with you. I think it’s time I start seeing other seasons. Summer is hotter than you.”
"If all the rich people in the world divided up their money among themselves, there wouldn’t be enough to go around." ~ Christina Stead
"I never eat November’s snowflakes, I always wait until December.” – Lucy from television show Peanuts
"Know your worth, and then make sure to add tax."
"As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife."
“A baseball game is twice as much fun if you’re seeing it on the company’s time.” — William C. Feather
"The difference between tax avoidance and tax evasion is the thickness of a prison wall."
– Denis Healey
"Work out in the morning, before your brain figures out what you’re doing."
– Unknown
“Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?” — Edgar Bergen
“Somedays you eat salad and go do Yoga. Somedays you eat cupcakes and refuse to put on pants. This is called balance.” — Unknown
“One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know."
- Groucho Marx
“If you had to identify in one word the reason why the human race has not achieved and never will achieve its full potential, that word would be ‘meetings.” – Dave Barry
"A stupid person laughs three times at a joke; once when everyone else is laughing, a second time when he actually gets the joke, and a third time when he realizes he was laughing without getting the joke at first."
A real Christian is a person who can give his pet parrot to the town gossip. -- Billy Graham
“Anybody who tells you money can’t buy happiness never had any.” —Samuel L. Jackson
“Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid."
- Mark Twain
"Wait. Why am I thinking about Krispy Kremes? We're supposed to be exercising."
— Meg Cabot
"Don’t forget to drink water and get some sun. You’re basically a houseplant with more complicated emotions."
“All of the animals except for man know that the principle business of life is to enjoy it.”
- Samuel Butler..
“The best way you hurt rich people is by turning them into poor people” – Billy Ray Valentine (Eddie Murphy) Trading Places
"The years between 50 and 70 are the hardest. You are always being asked to do things, and yet you are not decrepit enough to turn them down." - T.S. Elliot
“I would say that the hardest thing about being a parent is these goddamned kids.”
- Andy Richter.
“I don’t like Sunday nights because you have to wake up to a Monday morning.”
"The best part of waking up is still a mystery to me."
— Uknown
"When our relatives are at home, we have to think of all their good points or it would be impossible to endure them." - George Bernard Shaw
“To make a million, start with $900,000.” - Morton Shulman.
“From the ages of eight to 18, me and my family moved around a lot. Mostly we would just stretch, but occasionally one of us would actually get up to go to the fridge.”
Jarod Kintz
“Children may be deductible, but they are still taxing.”
"One of the many things nobody ever tells you about middle age is that it’s such a nice change from being young." – Dorothy Canfield Fisher
“Road Trips: Because they’re cheaper than therapy.”
"My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on." — Joan Rivers
"It's fun to complain with someone. Nothing brings us together more than complaining about other people. That might be the thing that holds us together more than anything." Lew Schneider
“My son is now an ‘entrepreneur.’ That’s what you’re called when you don’t have a job.” – Ted Turner
“Nothing in life is fun for the whole family. There are no massage parlors with ice cream and free jewelry.”
- Jerry Seinfeld
“You can’t have a million dollar dream with a minimum wage worth ethic.” — Zig Ziglar
“On Thanksgiving Day we acknowledge our dependence.” —William Jennings Bryan
"Technology is getting smarter and smarter: smartphones, smartwatches, smart homes… Only people remain stupid no matter what."
- Anna LeMind
“A car’s weakest part is the nut holding the steering wheel.”
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