“Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.” - Phyllis Diller
“My advice to you is get married: If you find a good wife you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher.” —Socrates
“Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and it may be necessary from time to time to give a stupid or misinformed beholder a black eye.”
— Jim Henson
"If it weren't for the fact that the TV set and the refrigeratir are so far apart, some of us wouldn't get any exercise at all"- Joey Adams
"Gardening requires lots of water - most of it in the form of perspiration."
- Lou Erickson
"I don't remember, you looking any better... But then again, I don't remember you."
- John Mayer, 'Who Says'
"You may marry the man of your dreams, ladies, but fourteen years later you’re married to a couch that burps." - Roseanne Barr
“I don’t like when I'm all stress-free and peacefully relaxing on the couch and then, out of nowhere, Monday comes along and punches you right off the couch!”
“Your typical six-year-old is a paradoxical little person.”
- Louise Bates Ames.
“If you are not yelling at your kids, you are not spending enough time with them.” —Reese Witherspoon
"I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home."
– Robert Orben
"Raising kids is part joy and part guerilla warfare." - End Asner
"I must confess, I was born at a very early age."
“When Chuck Norris does yoga, the sun salutes him.” – Unknown
"How many Taureans does it take to change a lamp? None. Taureans don't like to change anything."
“Grandparents are there to help the child get into mischief they haven’t thought of yet.”—Gene Perret
“I love cleaning up messes I didn’t make. So I became a Mom.” – Unknown
“On Thanksgiving Day we acknowledge our dependence.” —William Jennings Bryan
Laughter is the best medicine – unless you're diabetic, then insulin comes pretty high on the list.
Jasper Carrott
"Insanity is hereditary you get it from your kids." – Sam Levenson
"How do you know if someone ran a marathon? Don’t worry, they’ll tell you."
Jimmy Fallon
“My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that’s not so bad, but New York City?”
Henny Youngman
"Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet."
Unknown
"Don't make love by the garden gate - love is blind, but the neighbours ain't." - Anonymous
"If you feel bad at 10 miles, you're in trouble. If you feel bad at 20 miles, you're normal. If you don't feel bad at 26 miles, you're abnormal."
Rob de Castella
“Not telling me something because you don’t want to piss me off is probably the best way to piss me off.”
— ScorpioQuotes.com
"It's fun to complain with someone. Nothing brings us together more than complaining about other people. That might be the thing that holds us together more than anything." Lew Schneider
“No animal should ever jump up on the dining-room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation."
- Fran Lebowitz
"Love is a temporary insanity curable by marriage."
- Ambrose Bierce
“I need to get up; my coffee needs me.”
— Unknown
“I meditate and do yoga. I sit cross-legged and try not to levitate too much.” – Jeremy Brett
“All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner.” — Red Skelton
“Animals may be our friends, but they won’t pick you up at the airport."
- Bobcat Goldthwait
“Cauliflower is a cabbage with a college education.”
— Mark Twain
"Old age comes at a bad time." – San Banducci
“It’s funny how your parents tell you it’s their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.”—Unknown
"I need summer to be longer so I have more time to do nothing"
"In the family sandwich, the older people and the younger ones can recognize one another as the bread. Those in the middle are, for a time, the meat." - Anna Quindlen
"I can tell by your sarcastic undertones, rude comments, and sheer lack of common decency that we should be best friends."
— Unknown
“How is it that the first piece of luggage on the airport carousel never belongs to everyone?”
— George Roberts
“Never let an angry sister comb your hair.”
- Patricia McCann
“To like and dislike the same things, that is what makes a solid friendship.”
— Sallust
"It’s a funny thing about life, once you begin to take note of the things you are grateful for, you begin to lose sight of the things that you lack."
― Germany Kent
“I am the only person in the world I should like to know thoroughly.”
– Oscar Wilde
“Education is what remains after one has forgotten what one has learned in school.”
Albert Einstein
“After a good dinner, one can forgive anybody, even one’s own relations.” —Oscar Wilde
"Dogs have no money. Isn’t that amazing? They’re broke their entire lives. But they get through. Do you know why dogs have no money? .. No Pockets." ~ Jerry Seinfeld
“Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.”
Erma Bombeck
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
Jules Renard
"Most people never run far enough on their first wind to find out they've got a second."
William James
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