"Money is like a sixth sense – and you can’t make use of the other five without it." ~ William Somerset Maugham
“Self-love seems so often unrequited.”
– Anthony Powell
“My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.”
― Henny Youngman
"You get two for the price of one when you are a Gemini."
— Karan Johar
"I have a rock garden. Last week three of them died."
- Richard Diran
“You drink too much. Cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You’re everything I ever wanted in a friend.”
— Unknown
“Family is just accident...They don’t mean to get on your nerves. They don’t even mean to be your family, they just are.”
- Marsha Norman
"Quit worrying about your health. It'll go away." —Robert Orben
“I have such an ego ’cause I’m a double Leo. I can’t let go of me, you know, so it’s very difficult for me to be somebody else and not me. I’m so into me.”
— Paul Mooney
“Me to my students every day: Close your eyes. If you can still see me, it could be a sign that your eyes are still open.” – Unknown
"I don't get why people pay to exercise in a gym when it's free to not exercise."
- Bridger Winegar
"Husbands are like wine, they take a long time to mature." —Donatella in Letters to Juliet
“I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance: waiting for the bathroom.”
Bob Hope
"Love is an ocean of emotions entirely surrounded by expenses."
- Thomas Dewar
“There’s no need for a piece of sculpture in a home that has a cat.”
- Wesley Bates.
"Like gum to a shoe, you’re stuck with me and I’m stuck with you."
“It’s always darkest before the dawn. So if you’re going to steal your neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.”
Navjot Singh Sidhu
“Love is a lot like a backache; it doesn’t show up on X-Rays, but you know it’s there.” - George Burns
"Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache."
- Mae West
“I find being a Pisces a bit of a rollercoaster sometimes! I can talk myself right in and right out of any decision, any subject, any time.”
— Mary English
“You are as helpful as a blister on a hike.”
"First you forget names, then you forget faces, then you forget to pull your zipper up, then you forget to pull your zipper down." - Leo Rosenberg
"You know, gentlemen, that I do not owe any personal income tax. But nevertheless, I send a small check, now and then, to the Internal Revenue Service out of the kindness of my heart."
— David Rockefeller
"I’m staying home today. I have mood poisoning."
“Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.”
Dale Carnegie
"I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by."
~ Douglas Adams
"They say good things take time, so that’s why I’m always late."
"Sometimes I get the feeling the aspirin companies are sponsoring my headaches." - V.L. Allineare
"Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse."
I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.
Lily Tomlin
“I don’t need the facts. I’m a Pisces.”
— Phil Volatile
"I despise the lottery. There’s less chance of you becoming a millionaire than there is of getting hit by a passing asteroid." ~ Unknown
"Old age comes at a bad time." – San Banducci
“Flattery is like cologne water, to be smelt, not swallowed.”
Josh Billings
"Thirty-five is a very attractive age. London society is full of women of the very highest birth who have, of their own free choice, remained thirty-five for years." - Oscar Wilde
"There's one good thing about snow, it makes your lawn look as nice as your neighbor's."
- Clyde Moore
“A man says a lot of things in summer he doesn’t mean in winter.” – Patricia Briggs
"What is a home without children. Quiet." – Henny Youngman
“I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance—waiting for the bathroom.”—Bob Hope
"Children aren’t happy without something to ignore, and that’s what parents were created for." – Ogden Nash
“Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life!”
"Love is a lot like a toothache. It doesn't show up on X-rays, but you know it's there."
- George Burns.
"Without ice cream, there would be darkness and chaos."
– Don Kardong
“The best way to keep children at home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant, and let the air out of the tires.”
- Dorothy Parker.
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” —Phyllis Diller
"We live by the golden rule. Those who have the gold make the rules." ~ Unknown
“I can’t cook a Thanksgiving dinner. All I can make is cold cereal and maybe toast.” —Charlie Brown
“My biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the walking that I’d have to do.”
"Raising kids is part joy and part guerilla warfare." - End Asner
"If you think adventure is dangerous try routine, it’s lethal."
– Paulo Coelho
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