"I can't believe we got grades in gym class. I've never used anything I learned in there."
- Jim Gaffigan
I saw a twinkle in her eye I have not seen since the neighbor children discovered our new electric fence.
David Hyde Pierce
"There's always something to be thankful for on Thanksgiving. Even if it's just not being a turkey." -Unknown
No man ever believes that the Bible means what it says. He is always convinced that it says what he means. -- George Bernard Shaw
“After a good dinner, one can forgive anybody, even one’s own relations.” —Oscar Wilde
“If I could be half the person my dog is, I’d be twice the human I am.”—Charles Yu
“I do yoga to burn off the crazy” — Anonymous
“There’s no such thing as bad weather, just soft people.”
– Bill Bowerman
Trust is like a mirror, you can fix it if it's broken, but you can still see the crack in that bastard's reflection.
Lady Gaga
“I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”—Rita Rudner
“When people ask me if I have any spare change, I tell them I have it at home in my spare wallet.”-Nick Arnette
“I had to stop driving my car for a while… the tires got dizzy.”
— Stephen Wright
"Then there was the man who declared in court, he wasn't a person. "Excuse me, sir, why haven't you paid your taxes." "Well, as you can clearly see, I am not a person." "Well, you look like a person." "No it's all done with mirrors, trust me!"
- Lewis Black
“A lot of parents pack up their troubles and send them off to summer camp.”
– Raymond Duncan
"Dogs have no money. Isn’t that amazing? They’re broke their entire lives. But they get through. Do you know why dogs have no money? .. No Pockets." ~ Jerry Seinfeld
“It’s amazing how fast later comes when you buy now!” — Milton Berle
“I would say that the hardest thing about being a parent is these goddamned kids.”
- Andy Richter.
"I’m so poor I can’t pay attention." ~ Ron Kittle
“The inventor of cobblestones was clearly not communicating with the inventor of luggage wheels.”
“As wonderful as dogs can be, they are famous for missing the point.”—Jean Ferris
"Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe." – Jackie Mason
"When I feel like exercising I just lie down until the feeling goes away."
- Robert M. Hutchins.
“If you stand in the meat section at the grocery store long enough, you start to get mad at turkeys. There’s turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastrami. Someone needs to tell the turkey, ‘Man, just be yourself.'” —Mitch Hedberg
“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing—that’s why we recommend it daily.”
— Zig Ziglar
"I wish I was a postcard. For under a dollar, I could travel to any location in the world."
"There are three stages of man: he believes in Santa Claus, he does not believe in Santa Claus, he is Santa Claus." - Bob Phillips
"Marriage is a bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them." - Anonymous
"I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract."
“I’m spending a year dead for tax reasons.” Douglas Adams.
“Love, n. A temporary insanity curable by marriage.” — Ambrose Bierce
When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity.
Albert Einstein
“Gardener’s recipe: one-part soil, two-parts water, three-parts wishful thinking.”
— Anonymous
“The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one.” — Oscar Wilde
“If there are ice cream trucks in the summer then why aren’t there Starbucks trucks in the winter?”
"You may marry the man of your dreams, ladies, but fourteen years later you’re married to a couch that burps." - Roseanne Barr
"You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance."
– Franklin P. Jones
“I’m from Canada, so Thanksgiving to me is just Thursday with more food. And I’m thankful for that.” —Howie Mandel
“Children today are tyrants. They contradict their parents, gobble their food, and tyrannize their teachers.”
Socrates
“They say that there can never be two snowflakes that are exactly alike, but has anyone checked lately?”
– Terry Pratchett
“Today I bought a doughnut without sprinkles. This diet thing is hard.”
― Unknown
“If your family tree does not fork, you might be a redneck.”
- Jeff Foxworthy.
"Love thy neighbor, just watch out for thy husband." - Unknown
“Why can’t the morning news ever say ‘Today has been canceled, now go back to sleep.”
– Unknown
"Stupidity is a talent for misconception."
- Edgar Allan Poe
“In ancient times cats were worshipped as gods; they have not forgotten this.”
- Terry Pratchett.
The number of followers you have doesn't make you better than anyone else. Hitler had millions, Jesus had 12. -- Anonymous
“Work is against human nature. The proof is that it makes us tired. – Michel Tournier
"You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks." - Joel Plaskett
“It’s money. I remember it from when I was single.” – Billy Crystal
“Have you ever noticed how parents can go from the most wonderful people in the world to totally embarrassing in three seconds?”—Rick Riordan, The Red Pyramid