“Always remember, a cat looks down on man, a dog looks up to man, but a pig will look man right in the eye and see his equal.”
- Sir Winston Churchill.
"Love is not having to hold in your farts anymore." — Bree Luckey
"There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, 'Yes,' you know he is a crook."
“A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.”
Steven Wright
"Love is grand. Divorce is a hundred grand." - Unknown
“I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it by not dying.”
Woody Allen
"You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive."
"My wife is really sentimental. One Valentine’s Day I gave her a ring and to this day she has never forgotten those three little words that were engraved inside — Made in Taiwan." — Leopold Fetchner
"Like gum to a shoe, you’re stuck with me and I’m stuck with you."
“Money can’t buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery." ~ Spike Milligan
“From the ages of 8-18, me and my family moved around a lot. Mostly we would just stretch, but occasionally one of us would actually get up to go to the fridge.”
- Jarod Kintz
"I want to live in the world where searching for plane tickets burns calories."
"Half the modern drugs could well be thrown out the window, except that the birds might eat them." - Martin H. Fischer
“An archeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets, the more interested he is in her.”—Agatha Christie.
"If you think adventure is dangerous try routine, it’s lethal."
– Paulo Coelho
“Good mashed potato is one of the great luxuries of life.” —Lindsey Bareham
"How can people my age plan spontaneous trips to Thailand, I can barely afford a spontaneous soft pretzel."
“God in his wisdom made the fly, And then forgot to tell us why.”
- Ogden Nash.
“Grandmas don’t just say “that’s nice”—they reel back and roll their eyes and throw up their hands and smile. You get your money’s worth out of grandmas.”—Unknown
“I’ve got 99 problems and I’m gonna go to yoga and solve about 53 of them.” -Unknown
“Good Morning! Open your mouth wide! I’ll just keep going and put that coffee right in there!”
– Unknown
"I am pretty sure that, if you will be quite honest, you will admit that a good rousing sneeze, one that tears open your collar and throws your hair into your eyes, is really one of life's sensational pleasures." - Robert Benchley
“To be a successful father there’s one absolute rule: when you have a kid, don’t look at it for the first two years.”
- Ernest Hemingway.
It's not that I don't want to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
Woody Allen
“There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.”
Henry Kissinger
“I have an everyday religion that works for me. Love yourself first, and everything else falls into line.”
– Lucille Ball
"It sounds plausible enough tonight, but wait until tomorrow. Wait for the common sense of the morning."
— H.G. Wells
"You know it’s time for a vacation when you start looking like the person on your driving license…"
“Boy, those French. They have a different word for everything.”
– Steve Martin
“We live in the era of smart phones and stupid people.”
Antonymous
“If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in the dark with a mosquito.”
– Betty Reese
If you love something set it free, but don’t be surprised if it comes back with herpes.
Chuck Palahniuk
“I rob banks because that’s where the money is.” Willie Sutton.
"Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else."
― Margaret Mead
“Money doesn’t solve all problems but it could solve my money problem.” – Anonymous
“Anytime you see a turtle up on top of a fence post, you know he had some help."
- Alex Haley
"You can lead a horticulture but you can't make her think."
- Dorothy Parker
"If you resolve to give up smoking, drinking and loving, you don't actually live longer; it just seems longer." - Clement Freud
“Mix a little foolishness with your serious plans. It is lovely to be silly at the right moment.”
- Horace
“Whenever I’m sad, you’re there. Whenever I’m having problems you are always there. Whenever my life seems out of control, you are always there. Let’s face it. You are bad luck.”
— Unknown
“Be like a postage stamp. Stick to a thing till you get there.” — Josh Billings
“When an 85-pound mammal licks your tears away, then tries to sit on your lap, it’s hard to feel sad.”—Kristan Higgins
"Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint." —Mark Twain
"At my age ‘getting lucky’ means walking into a room and remembering what I came in for." - Unknown
"I don't tan. I burn"
“Patience is something you admire in the driver behind you and scorn in the one ahead.”
— Mac McCleary
“Friends give you a shoulder to cry on. But best friends are ready with a shovel to hurt the person that made you cry.”
— Unknown
I find that a duck’s opinion of me is heavily influenced by whether or not I have bread.
Mitch Hedberg
“My keyboard must be broken, I keep hitting the escape key, but I’m still at work.” — Author Unknown
“If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? Do they get smart just in time to ask questions?”
– Scott Adams
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