“My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.” — Rodney Dangerfield
“I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”—Rita Rudner
“Dear Monday, my mama doesn’t like you and she likes everyone.”
"His insomnia was so bad, he couldn’t sleep during office hours."
~ Arthur Baer
“They say that love is more important, but have you ever tried to pay your bills with a hug?” – Anonymous
All my friends complaint about not feeling good, and are freaking out about their lives, and I’m just like, “There’s Yoga pose for that!” — Unknown
"Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood."
— Bill Murray
"There is no income tax in Russia. But there's no income."
— Will Rogers
“The most important four words for a successful marriage: ‘I’ll do the dishes.’”—Anonymous
"Most entrepreneurs would rather have root canal surgery without anesthesia than go through the nightmare that is tax return preparation."
— Nina Kaufman
“Fond of doctors, little health, Fond of lawyers, little wealth.”
Proverb
“Leaders who don’t listen will eventually be surrounded by people who have nothing to say.” – Andy Stanley
"I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks." — Steve Martin
“My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that’s not so bad, but New York City?”
Henny Youngman
“I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn’t a professional, the knife had butter on it.”
Rodney Dangerfield
"You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jelly beans."
— Ronald Reagan
“If you can find a path with no obstacles, it probably doesn’t lead anywhere.” – Frank A. Clark
“What brothers say to tease their sisters has nothing to do with what they really think of them.”—Esther Friesner
A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
Steve Martin
“I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.” – Lily Tomlin
“If there are ice cream trucks in the summer then why aren’t there Starbucks trucks in the winter?”
"The easiest time to fall asleep is just after turning off the alarm clock."
– Unknown
"Like all bad drivers, he thought he was the best driver in the world."
- Rebecca West
“Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.”
– Charles Schulz
“People do not wish to appear foolish; to avoid the appearance of foolishness, they are willing to remain actually fools.”
- Alice Walker
"Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!"
“Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage – they’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.” — Rita Rudner
"My doctor recently told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already." —Milton Berle
“There is no worse parent than an unhappy parent!”
― Rossana Condoleo
"As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two." - Sir Norman Wisdom
"I believe every human has a finite number of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises."
- Neil Armstrong.
"Pollen- when flowers can't keep it in their plants"
“A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.”
Winston Churchill
"Yeah, working is great… but have you tried traveling?"
“I’ve got all the money I’ll ever need, if I die by four o’clock.” — Henny Youngman
“A lot of Thanksgiving Days have been ruined by not carving the turkey in the kitchen.” —Kin Hubbard
"I give myself sometimes admirable advice, but I am incapable of taking it."
― Mary Wortley Montagu
"Parents don’t really go on holidays. They just look after their kids in a different country for a while."
“A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.'”
Claude Pepper
"Listen, smile, agree, and then do whatever you were gonna do anyway."
― Robert Downey Jr.
"I don't get why people pay to exercise in a gym when it's free to not exercise."
- Bridger Winegar
"Nobody expects to trust his body much after the age of fifty." - Alexander Hamilton
“Yoga pants. Because jeans are stressful and you don’t need that in your life.” -Unknown
"Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does."
“Dogs teach us a very important lesson in life: the mailman is not to be trusted.”—Sian Ford
“Thanksgiving dinners take 18 hours to prepare. They are consumed in 12 minutes. Half-times take 12 minutes. This is not a coincidence.” —Erma Bombeck
"There is no WiFi in the forest but you will find a better connection."
“How to get a yoga body: 1. Have a body 2. Do yoga.” – Unknown
“Turkey lurkey doo, and turkey lurkey dap. I eat that turkey, then I take a nap.” —Adam Sandler
Growth takes time. Be patient. And while you’re waiting, pull a weed.
— Emilie Barnes
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