“If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.” — Woody Allen
"Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you're probably watching the wrong channel."
"Dogs have no money. Isn’t that amazing? They’re broke their entire lives. But they get through. Do you know why dogs have no money? .. No Pockets." ~ Jerry Seinfeld
“A lady’s imagination is very rapid; it jumps from admiration to love, from love to matrimony in a moment.” - Jane Austen, 'Pride and Prejudice'
"Ships at a distance have every man’s wish on board."
- Zora Neale Hurston
“It’s a funny feeling to work with people who you consider your colleagues and to realize that they actually are young enough to be your children."
~ Alan Alda
"Low self-esteem is like driving through life with your hand-brake on."
- Maxwell Maltz
“How did my driving test go? You could say I mailed it!”
“Best Friend: One million memories, ten thousand inside jokes, one hundred shared secrets.”
— Unknown
“In order to maintain a well-balanced perspective, the person who has a dog to worship him should also have a cat to ignore him.” —Peterborough Examiner, Canada
“Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is the bicycle repair kit.”- Billy Connolly
“The advantage of having only one child is that you always know who did it.”
- Erma Bombeck.
"I figure that if the children are alive when I get home, I’ve done my job." – Roseanne Barr
“I’m only a morning person on December 25th.”
– Unknown
“Having a family is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.”
- Martin Mull.
"Family Vacation (n.) A time for you to remember why your family never spends any time together."
“My ability to turn good news into anxiety is rivaled only by my ability to turn anxiety into chin acne.”
Tina Fey
"If she happens to fall, I’ll be there to laugh at first and then help her up afterwards." — J.A. Redmerski
“Excercise? I thought you said extra fries.”
"It's income tax time again, Americans: time to gather up those receipts, get out those tax forms, sharpen up that pencil, and stab yourself in the aorta."
— Dave Barry
“Twinkle twinkle sleepy star, wake up now it’s the 11th hour, up above the world so high, the sun has risen in the sky.”
– Mickey Nice
"Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing." —Redd Foxx
"I must confess, I was born at a very early age."
"Being on vacation with my family has brought me so much closer to my iPad."
“Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I’m not sure about the former.”
- Albert Einstein
"I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?" Jean Illsley Clarke
“Whenever a man does a thoroughly stupid thing, it is always from the noblest motives.”
- Oscar Wilde
"I’m at that age where my back goes out more than I do." - Phyllis Diller
“The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.”
Demetri Martin
"I love you in a way that's nauseating to others."
- Unknown
“Winter blues are cured every time with a potato gratin paired with a roast chicken.”
– Alexandra Guarnaschelli
“My fashion philosophy is if you’re not covered in dog hair, your life is empty.”
- Elayne Boosler.
"Fish is the only food that is considered spoiled once it smells like what it is."
— P. J. O'Rourke
"Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional" - Chili Davis
"I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up."
All men are afraid of eyelash curlers; I sleep with one under my pillow, instead of a gun.
Rita Rudner
“That’s not how Aquarians operate. They don’t do things steadily, they are running about one day then comatose the next.”
— Mary English
"I’m like old wine. They don’t bring me out very often… but I’m well preserved." - Rose Kennedy
"We live by the golden rule. Those who have the gold make the rules." ~ Unknown
"If anyone is Christmas shopping for me, I wear a size 7-day Caribbean cruise."
"Pay attention to today's horoscope: Saturn is backtracking and it looks like you're going to be screwed again."
"If you start to feel good during an ultra, don't worry, you will get over it."
Gene Thibeault
“Camping is not a date; its an endurance test. If you can survive camping with someone, you should marry them on the way home.”
“People say money is not the key to happiness, but I have always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.”—Joan Rivers
“I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.” -Jackie Mason“I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.” -Jackie Mason
“Like all parents, my husband and I just do the best we can, and hold our breath, and hope we’ve set aside enough money to pay for our kids’ therapy.”
—Michelle Pfeiffer
"People that insist upon drinking and driving, are putting the quart before the hearse."
– Gilbert K. Chesterton
“If you’re searching for that one person that will change your life, take a look in the mirror.”
"You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jelly beans."
— Ronald Reagan
“Cocaine is God’s way of saying you’re making too much money.” – Robin Williams
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