Heaven goes by favor. If it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in. -- Mark Twain
“All kidding aside, if everyone did yoga, we would have world peace.” — Rory Freedman
"Dogs have no money. Isn’t that amazing? They’re broke their entire lives. But they get through. Do you know why dogs have no money? .. No Pockets." ~ Jerry Seinfeld
"I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying."
- Oscar Wilde
“I can speak Esperanto like a native.”
Spike Milligan
"The taxpayer: that's someone who works for the federal government, but doesn't have to take a civil service examination."
- Ronald Reagan
“I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.”
– Steven Wright
“Hope my relatives are getting along with the professional line sitter I hired to hold my place at the front of the Thanksgiving food line.” —John Lyon
“Why don’t kids understand their nap is not for them, but for us?”
- Alyson Hannigan.
"I complain that the years fly past, but then I look in a mirror and see that very few of them actually got past." - Robert Brault
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.”—Wendy Liebman
“Winter blues are cured every time with a potato gratin paired with a roast chicken.”
– Alexandra Guarnaschelli
“When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they’re finished, I climb out.”
- Erma Bombeck.
Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.
Albert Einstein
“Road Trips: Because they’re cheaper than therapy.”
“I have to excercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing."- Marsha Doble.
"Love is an ocean of emotions entirely surrounded by expenses."
- Thomas Dewar
“I’ve got all the money I’ll ever need, if I die by four o’clock.” — Henny Youngman
"If it weren't for the fact that the TV set and the refrigeratir are so far apart, some of us wouldn't get any exercise at all"- Joey Adams
"It's unsticking-your-thighs-from-a-plastic-chair season"
“I have noticed that even people who claim everything is predetermined and that we can do nothing to change it look before they cross the road.”
Stephen Hawking
“Like all parents, my husband and I just do the best we can, and hold our breath, and hope we’ve set aside enough money to pay for our kids’ therapy.”
—Michelle Pfeiffer
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship." ― Sharon Stone
“In a household of toddlers and pets, we discover this rule of thumb about happy families, that they are least two-thirds incontinent.”
- Robert Brault.
"Love is not having to hold in your farts anymore." — Bree Luckey
"There’s one advantage to being 102, there’s no peer pressure." - Dennis Wolfberg
“You can tell you ate too much for Thanksgiving when you have to let your bathrobe out.” —Jay Leno
"Jogging is very beneficial. It's good for your legs and your feet. It's also very good for the ground. It makes it feel needed."
Charles Schulz
“Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?” — Edgar Bergen
“Boy, those French. They have a different word for everything.”
– Steve Martin
"The trouble with eating Italian food is that, five or six days later, you're hungry again."
– George Miller
“As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices take it or leave it.”
- Buddy Hacket
"Motherhood – when 90% of your time is spent putting other people’s crap away." — Anonymous
"An expert is a man who has made all the mistakes which can be made in a very narrow field."
~ Niels Bohr
“Babies: cry all flight long. Fall asleep during landing.”
“Road trips required a couple of things: a well-balanced diet of caffeine, salt, and sugar and an excellent selection of tunes—oh, and directions.”
– Jenn McKinlay
“When a stupid man is doing something, he is ashamed of, he always declares that it is his duty.”
- George Bernard Shaw
"I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits. he other two are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves"
“The learned fool writes his nonsense in better language than the unlearned, but still ‘this nonsense.”
– Benjamin Franklin
"The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made."
"When I tell my kids I'll do something in a minute, what I'm really saying is "Please forget." - @SarcasticMommy4
“I meditate and do yoga. I sit cross-legged and try not to levitate too much.” – Jeremy Brett
“I have an everyday religion that works for me. Love yourself first, and everything else falls into line.”
– Lucille Ball
“Remember that creating a successful marriage is like farming: you have to start over again every morning.” —H. Jackson Brown, Jr
“Stupid people will mistake your confidence for arrogance.”
- Habeeb Akande
"I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course."
“Diaper backward spells repaid. Think about it.”
- Marshall McLuhan.
"So I stepped away for like two seconds…” – the beginning of every parenting horror story." — Anonymous
“When it comes to taxes, there are two types of people. There are those that get it done early, also known as ‘psychopaths’, and then the rest of us.”
– Jimmy Kimmel
“You don’t have to be crazy to be my friend. I’ll train you.”
— Unknown
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