"When we put vegetables up for the winter, we use jars, but we call it canning. I find that jarring. And uncanny."
– Greg Tamblyn
"Do you have any idea how cheap stocks are? Wall Street is now being called Wall Mart Street." ~ Jay Leno
“Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?”—Groucho Marx
“I always give 100% at Work: 10% Monday, 23% Tuesday, 40% Wednesday, 22% Thursday, and 5% Friday.” –Anonymous
“If I'm ever being chased by a giraffe I'm gonna run into a place with low ceiling fans. Sorry, giraffe, but I gotta do what's best for me."
- Amber Tozer
"I would like to find a stew that will give me heartburn immediately, instead of at three o'clock in the morning."
– John Barrymore
A real Christian is a person who can give his pet parrot to the town gossip. -- Billy Graham
“Always remember, a cat looks down on man, a dog looks up to man, but a pig will look man right in the eye and see his equal.”
- Sir Winston Churchill.
"I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met."
- Steven Wright
"If you run 100 miles a week, you can eat anything you want. Why? Because (a) you'll burn all the calories you consume, (b) you deserve it, and (c) you'll be injured soon and back on a restricted diet anyway."
Don Kardong
"A tax cut to compensate for a tax increase is not a cut — it's a con."
— Tony Abbott
“We live in the era of smart phones and stupid people.”
Antonymous
"You can’t put a price tag on love. But if you could, I’d wait for it to go on sale." — Hussein Nishah
"What did the carrot say to the wheat?
Lettuce rest, I'm feeling beet."
- Shel Silverstein
"You are a smart cookie. A wise chocolate cake. A brilliant pancake.” - Rey Woodman
“A diamond is merely a lump of coal that did well under pressure.”
"By 35, if I’m not engaged or already starting a family, I declare myself the aunt who’s always traveling & comes to family events tipsy."
“I am convinced digestion is the great secret to life.”
Sydney Smith
“Stupid people will mistake your confidence for arrogance.”
- Habeeb Akande
“You know your life has changed when going to the grocery store by yourself is a vacation.” - Anonymous
“A road trip is a way for the whole family to spend time together and annoy each other in interesting new places.”
– Tom Lichtenheld
“There were times my pants were so thin I could sit on a dime and tell if it was heads or tails.” -Spencer Tracy quotes
“Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers.”
Homer Simpson
“The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.”—Lucille Ball
“I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance—waiting for the bathroom.”—Bob Hope
“I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.”- Erik Satie
"I can honestly say I love getting older. Then again, I never put my glasses on before looking in the mirror." - Cherie Lunghi
"A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke."
"If I’d known I was going to live this long, I’d have taken better care of myself." - Anonymous
“When I figured out how to work my grill, it was quite a moment. I discovered that summer is a completely different experience when you know how to grill.”
— Taylor Swift
“I work for myself, which is fun. Except when I call in sick, I know I’m lying. – Rita Rudner
“I smiled right after getting up. I think I dislocated my face. Good Morning!”
– Unknown
“Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.” — George Carlin
"I’m too busy working on my own grass to notice if yours is greener."
“Eating words has never given me indigestion.”
Unknown
“I have noticed that even people who claim everything is predetermined and that we can do nothing to change it look before they cross the road.”
Stephen Hawking
"My doctor recently told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already." —Milton Berle
“Pizza is like the entire food pyramid!”
― Madeline Oles
“The best way you hurt rich people is by turning them into poor people” – Billy Ray Valentine (Eddie Murphy) Trading Places
"I'm a Taurus, and I defy you to find someone more stubborn, opinionated, and determined than me."
— Gary Garrison
“Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?”
Robin Williams
"Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in."
- Richard Jeni
“People are living longer than ever before, a phenomenon undoubtedly made necessary by the 30-year mortgage." ~Doug Larson
""Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest." - Larry Lorenzoni
A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
Steve Martin
“I’m sick of following my dreams, man. I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with ’em later.”
Mitch Hedberg
“A new survey found that 80 percent of men claim they help cook Thanksgiving dinner. Which makes sense when you hear them consider saying ‘that smells good’ to be helping.” —Jimmy Fallon
“The best babysitters, of course, are the baby’s grandparents. You feel completely comfortable entrusting your baby to them for long periods, which is why most grandparents flee to Florida.”—Dave Barry
“Breaking up is like knocking over a Coke machine. You can’t do it in one push; you got to rock it back and forth a few times, and then it goes over.”
Jerry Seinfeld
Maybe this world is another planet's hell. -- Aldous Huxley
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