"We pay our gym membership for the permission to exercise in the gym, not for the owner(s) of the gym to exercise for us."
- Mokokoma Mokhonoana.
"A guy knows he's in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days." Tim Allen
“Tact is the ability to describe others as they see themselves.”
Abraham Lincoln
“I hate mornings and Mondays. And working. But other than that I am entirely happy.”
"The politicians say 'we' can't afford a tax cut. Maybe we can't afford the politicians."
— Steve Forbes
Did anybody ever consider that cannibalism would resolve both overpopulation – and world hunger?
“Oh yes I will work out today. I will work out a way to avoid running for a stupid cause.”
Stanley from The Office
“A lot of people like snow. I find it to be an unnecessary freezing of water.”
– Carl Reiner
“This would be a much better world if more married couples were as deeply in love as they are in debt” – Earl Wilson
“Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I’m not there, I go to work.” – Robert Orben
“Marathoners: Life is too easy. I must find a way to make it much much harder.”
-Glennon Doyle, best-selling author
"If you can stay in love for more than two years, you're on something." — Fran Lebowitz
"I love love, and I’m very hopeful and was raised on all the fairy tales everyone else had. I just noted that everyone’s mom was dead and real princesses get beheaded, so I just have a more realistic take on it."
- Amy Schumer
“If the winter is too cold and the summer is too hot, you are not a hiker.”
"The difference between tax avoidance and tax evasion is the thickness of a prison wall."
– Denis Healey
"I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight."
– Rita Rudner
"You know you’re getting old when you can pinch an inch on your forehead." - John Mendoza
"It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like." —Jackie Mason
"You get two for the price of one when you are a Gemini."
— Karan Johar
“A diamond is merely a lump of coal that did well under pressure.”
"I don’t plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet." - Rita Rudner
"A Scorpio will carry his grudge into the afterlife if necessary to get his revenge."
— Everett A. Blackman
"Dogs have no money. Isn’t that amazing? They’re broke their entire lives. But they get through. Do you know why dogs have no money? .. No Pockets." ~ Jerry Seinfeld
“As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.”—Buddy Hackett
“Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?”
Robin Williams
"Marriage is like a walk in the park. Jurassic Park." - Anonymous
Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.
Oscar Wilde
"My routine is to ride that snooze button as far as it will take me, take a quick shower, get dressed in the dark and bolt out the door."
— Willie Geist
"Slow runners make fast runners look good. Thank you."
From the back of a T-shirt
“I got to go home for Thanksgiving and sit at the adults’ table. That’s ’cause, you know, somebody had to die for me to move up a plate.” —Andre Kelley
I can tell if two people are in love by how they hold each other’s hands, and how thick their sanitation gloves are.
Jarod Kintz
“Love is a lot like a backache; it doesn’t show up on X-Rays, but you know it’s there.” - George Burns
“Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I’m not sure about the former.”
- Albert Einstein
“On the internet, you can be anything you want. It’s strange that so many people choose to be stupid.”
Anonymous
"I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up."
“Anyone who has time for drama is not gardening enough”
— Anonymous
“I didn’t fail the test. I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.”
– Benjamin Franklin
“Thanks TSA, I haven’t been touched like that since prom night.”
— Meaghan O’Connell
"Health is merely the slowest way someone can die."
“I used to believe my father about everything, but then I had children myself and now I see how much stuff you make up just to keep yourself from going crazy.”
- Brian Andreas.
"Congress can raise taxes because it can persuade a sizable fraction of the populace that somebody else will pay."
- Milton Friedman
"The philosopher who said that work well done never needs doing over never weeded a garden."
- Ray D. Everson
"The term “tax humor” is no doubt an oxymoron to many people; to the more cynical, it is an apt description of the entire tax code."
— John F. Lekel
"Old age is like a plane flying through a storm. Once you are aboard there is nothing you can do about it." - Golda Meir
“What on earth would I do if four bears came into my camp? Why, I would die of course. Literally sh** myself lifeless.” – Bill Bryson
"America is a land of taxation that was founded to avoid taxation."
- Dr. Laurence J. Peter
"The only b.s I need is bikini and sandals"
"Some children threaten to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going." – Phyllis Diller
“An optimist is a person who starts a new diet on Thanksgiving Day.” —Irv Kupcinet
You know you’re getting old when you stop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.
George Burns
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