“Archeologists 10,000 years from now will believe this was a sacred feast where gravy boats were worshipped.” —@WilliamAder
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.”—Phyllis Diller
"Early morning cheerfulness can be extremely obnoxious."
— William Feather
"Reality is the leading cause of stress among those in touch with it." —Lily Tomlin
“How to get a yoga body: 1. Have a body 2. Do yoga.” – Unknown
“Money’s only something you need in case you don’t die tomorrow." ~ Martin Sheen
“Life begins at 40 – but so do fallen arches, rheumatism, faulty eyesight, and the tendency to tell a story to the same person, three or four times.”
Helen Rowland
“When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.”
Erma Bombeck
"I’m a travel fiend on the road to recovery. Just kidding. I’m headed to the airport."
"You are a smart cookie. A wise chocolate cake. A brilliant pancake.” - Rey Woodman
“Diet day #1: All the unhealthy food has been removed from the house. It was delicious.”
― Unknown
“Once you sign on to be a mother, 24/7 is the only shift they offer.”
- Jodi Picoult.
"When we put vegetables up for the winter, we use jars, but we call it canning. I find that jarring. And uncanny."
– Greg Tamblyn
"I believe every human has a finite number of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises."
- Neil Armstrong.
“Whenever I travel with my 4 young kids I always forget something. Like how stupid it is to travel with 4 young kids.”
– Jim Gaffigan
“I’m not retiring, I am graduating . . . retirement means that you’ll just go ahead and live on your laurels and surf all day in Oceanside. It ain’t going to happen.” – Junior Seau
"I have a rock garden. Last week three of them died."
- Richard Diran
“A road trip is a way for the whole family to spend time together and annoy each other in interesting new places.”
– Tom Lichtenheld
"What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds."
- Cindy Garner.
“Tomorrow is Thanksgiving! It’s the day you forget about all the fighting and division in the world and just focus on all the fighting and division in your family.” — Jimmy Fallon
“A hen is just an egg’s way of making another egg.”
- Weird Science.
“It’s like kids can just smell when you start relaxing.” - Anonymous
“My daughter just lost her first tooth, which is a very sweet moment for a dad. In retrospect, I do regret punching her so hard in the face.”
- Alan Cox.
“Good weather all week, but come the weekend, and the weather stinks. When the weather is too hot, they complain; too cold, they complain; and when it’s just right, they’re watching TV.”
— Rita Rudner
“No matter how smart you are, you can never convince someone stupid that they are stupid.”
Anonymous
“Aerodynamics are for people who can’t build engines.”
– Enzo Ferrari
“I find being a Pisces a bit of a rollercoaster sometimes! I can talk myself right in and right out of any decision, any subject, any time.”
— Mary English
“Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I’m not sure about the former.”
- Albert Einstein
“What’s the use of happiness? It can’t buy you money.”- Henry Youngman
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes. Jim Carrey
“Saving is a very fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.” – Winston Churchill
"There's one good thing about snow, it makes your lawn look as nice as your neighbor's."
- Clyde Moore
"Between men and women, there is no friendship possible. There is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship."
- Oscar Wilde
"I love you with all my belly. I would say my heart, but my belly is bigger." - Unknown
Robin Williams
Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.
“Marriage is not just spiritual communion; it is also remembering to take out the trash.”—Joyce Brothers
“The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.”
- Andy Rooney.
“Is it Monday already? I’m almost positive I did not get my entire portion of the weekend.”
“Diaper backward spells repaid. Think about it.”
- Marshall McLuhan.
“I may be a living legend, but that sure don't help when I've got to change a flat tire.”
Roy Orbison
"Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love." — Albert Einstein
“Cats are smarter than dogs. You can’t get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.” —Jeff Valdez
"There’s nothing more tedious than seeing how a person shows his intellect, especially if there isn’t any."
- Erich Maria Remarque
“If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in the dark with a mosquito.” – Betty Reese
“Every day is National Donut Day if you put your mind to it.”
― Unknown
“Fan the sinking flame of hilarity with the wing of friendship; and pass the rosy wine.”
— Charles Dickens
“Demanding something from a Scorpio is a sure way to not have it happen.”
“Going to work for a large company is like getting on a train. Are you going sixty miles an hour or is the train going sixty miles an hour and you’re just sitting still?"
~ J. Paul Getty
“Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won’t be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.” -Henny Youngman
"No doubt a brain and some shoes are essential for marathon success. Although if it comes down to a choice, pick the shoes. More people finish marathons with no brains than with no shoes."
Don Kardong
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