"Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy." ~ Groucho Marx
“You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.” - George Burns
"The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for." - Will Rogers
"It wasn't love at first sight. It took a full five minutes." Lucille Ball
“Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and it may be necessary from time to time to give a stupid or misinformed beholder a black eye.”
— Jim Henson
"Parenthood: That state of being better chaperoned than you were before marriage." – Marcelene Cox
“Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow…somewhere else!”
“Marriage is work. Marriage is a career. It's not an adventure, you do more before five than most folks do all day.”— Sinbad
"The world is divided into people who do things–and people who get the credit."
~ Dwight Morrow
“Whenever I travel with my 4 young kids I always forget something. Like how stupid it is to travel with 4 young kids.”
– Jim Gaffigan
“Family is a blessing. Just keep saying that when you are irritated by something a family member says.”
- Marcelina Hardy
“Fact. Pisces is the most wobbly sign of the zodiac.”
— Mary English
All my friends complaint about not feeling good, and are freaking out about their lives, and I’m just like, “There’s Yoga pose for that!” — Unknown
“Anybody can sympathize with the sufferings of a friend, but it requires a very fine nature to sympathize with a friend’s success.“
— Oscar Wilde
"Remember, the second most important thing to choosing the right shoe is choosing the left one."
Unknown
"It is better to wear out than to rust out." - Bishop Richard Cumberland
"Parents are the bones on which children cut their teeth." – Peter Ustinov
“A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.”
Groucho Marx
Bill Murray
“Do you ever get halfway through eating a horse and go ‘you know, I’m not as hungry as thought I was’?”
"There is no income tax in Russia. But there's no income."
— Will Rogers
“Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.” — Steven Wright
I feel so miserable without you, it’s almost like having you here."
- Stephen Bishop
"Love may be the best driving wheel, but anger is a pretty good second."
– Steven Tyler
“What is the only flaw of being intelligent?…that you have to deal with stupid people.”
Anonymous
"Life seems to fade our memory, so on this birthday I will forget yours if you forget mine!" - Kate Summers
“A stupid man’s report of what a clever man says can never be accurate because he unconsciously translates what he hears into something he can understand.”
- Bertrand Russell
“Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.”
Abraham Lincoln
Summer is like the ultimate one-night stand...hot as hell, totally thrilling, and gone before you know it.
"Old age comes at a bad time." – San Banducci
"It's unnatural for people to run around the city streets unless they are thieves or victims. It makes people nervous to see someone running. I know that when I see someone running on my street, my instincts tell me to let the dog go after him."
Mike Royko
“The trouble with the IRS is that 90% of its members give the rest a bad name.”
“I meditate and do yoga. I sit cross-legged and try not to levitate too much.” – Jeremy Brett
“If everything comes your way, you are in the wrong lane.”
“Demanding something from a Scorpio is a sure way to not have it happen.”
“If there is anyone to whom I owe money, I’m prepared to forget it if they are.” - Errol Flynn
“The downside of playing dumb is that you sound dumb.”
- Rachel Maddow
"So you see, my son, there is a very fine line between love and nausea." - King Jaffe Joffer, 'Coming to America'
"A Scorpio will carry his grudge into the afterlife if necessary to get his revenge."
— Everett A. Blackman
“Money and women are the most sought after and the least known about of any two things we have.”— Will Rogers
“Sunshine and happiness go together like fish and chips!”
― Catherine Pulsifer
“One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one’s work is terribly important.” — Bertrand Russell
“Every time you feel yourself being pulled into other people’s drama, repeat these word: Not my circus, not my monkeys.”
Polish Proverb
“Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, you’ll be a mile from them, and you’ll have their shoes.”
- Jack Handey
"My routine is to ride that snooze button as far as it will take me, take a quick shower, get dressed in the dark and bolt out the door."
— Willie Geist
“The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.”—George Carlin
“I didn’t fail the test. I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.”
– Benjamin Franklin
“I’m glad it’s finally hot enough to complain about how hot it is.”
"The trouble with eating Italian food is that five or six days later, you're hungry again."
— George Miller
“Before I got married, I had six theories about raising children; now I have six children and no theories.”—John Wilmot
“I don’t need the facts. I’m a Pisces.”
— Phil Volatile
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