“I am responsible for what I say but I’m not responsible for what you understand.”
Anonymous
"A journey is like marriage. The certain way to be wrong is to think you control it."
- John Steinbeck
"Do you wake up as I do, having forgotten what it is that hurts or where, until you move?"
– Jeanette Winterson
"It’s a funny thing about life, once you begin to take note of the things you are grateful for, you begin to lose sight of the things that you lack."
― Germany Kent
"This is by far your worst idea ever…I’ll be there in 15 minutes."
— Unknown
“A stupid man’s report of what a clever man says can never be accurate because he unconsciously translates what he hears into something he can understand.”
- Bertrand Russell
“When I hear somebody sigh, ‘Life is hard,’ I am always tempted to ask, ‘Compared to what?'”
Sydney J. Harris
“A father is someone who carries pictures in his wallet where his money used to be” — unknown
“Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?”
Robin Williams
“When in doubt, yoga it out.” – Unknown
Most of us spend the first six days of the week sowing wild oats, then we go to church on Sunday and pray for a crop failure. -- Fred Allen
"I don't believe in jogging. It extending your life, but by about the same amount of time you spend jogging."
Marshall Brickman
"There are three stages of man: he believes in Santa Claus, he does not believe in Santa Claus, he is Santa Claus." - Bob Phillips
"Grandchildren don’t make a man feel old, it’s the knowledge that he’s married to a grandmother that does." - J. Norman Collie
“You know you’re a gardener when you’re happy to devote three months of your life growing tomatoes to save $1.27.”
— Anonymous
“I’m stuck between “I need to save money.” and “You only live once.”” – Anonymous
“The mud will wash off but the memories will last a lifetime.”
"I love love, and I’m very hopeful and was raised on all the fairy tales everyone else had. I just noted that everyone’s mom was dead and real princesses get beheaded, so I just have a more realistic take on it."
- Amy Schumer
"The trouble with jogging is that the ice falls out of your glass."
Martin Mull
“The road to success is always under construction.”
“I’m not retiring, I am graduating . . . retirement means that you’ll just go ahead and live on your laurels and surf all day in Oceanside. It ain’t going to happen.” – Junior Seau
"There is nothing better for the spirit or the body than a love affair. It elevates the thoughts and flattens the stomach." — Barbara Hower
"Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults."
– Mitch Hedberg
“I believe it’s a cook’s moral obligation to add more butter given the chance.”
― Michael Ruhlman
“Where are we? About halfway…to somewhere.”
"How do you compare apples and oranges?
By their nutritional value."
- Marshall Elizer
"The British soldier can stand up to anything except the British War Office."
~ George Bernard Shaw
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” —Phyllis Diller
"Love is a lot like a backache, it doesn't show up on X rays, but you know it's there." George Burns
“Yoga instructor just emailed to say class is moved and thanks for our flexibility.” – Unknown
“If pessimism is despair, optimism is cowardice and stupidity. Is there any need to choose between them?”
- Francis Parker Yockey
"Love is blind but marriage is a real eye-opener."
- Pauline Thomason
"When our relatives are at home, we have to think of all their good points or it would be impossible to endure them.”
- George Bernard Shaw
Robin Williams
Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.
“Love is a lot like a backache; it doesn’t show up on X-Rays, but you know it’s there.” - George Burns
“Progress isn’t made by early risers. It’s made by lazy men trying to find easier ways to do something."
— Robert Heinlein
“‘Snow in April is abominable,’ said Anne. ‘Like a slap in the face when you expected a kiss.’” — L.M. Montgomery
"A man is only as old as the woman he feels."
I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and by then it was too late.
Max Kaufman
"I am not a glutton – I am an explorer of food."
– Erma Bombeck
“When going on a vacation, I wish I could load my wallet with money as much as I can overpack my luggage.”
"Quit worrying about your health. It'll go away." —Robert Orben
"The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office."
— Robert Frost
“SMONDAY: The moment when Sunday stops feeling like a Sunday and the anxiety of Monday kicks in.”
“It just occurred to me that the majority of my diet is made up of the foods that my kid didn’t finish.”
Carrie Underwood
“The most important four words for a successful marriage: ‘I’ll do the dishes.’”—Anonymous
"There is no income tax in Russia. But there's no income."
— Will Rogers
“A man’s womenfolk, whatever their outward show of respect for his merit and authority, always regard him secretly as an ass, and with something akin to pity.”
- H. L. Mencken.
"A slice of pie without cheese is like a kiss without a squeeze."
— Stephen King
“Sagittarians are aliens disguised as humans.”
— Ramana Pemmaraju
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