“The bags under my eyes are Prada.”
"Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know."
“Never make your favorite song the alarm for Monday morning; you’ll hate it for years.”
"The greatest thing in family life is to take a hint when a hint is intended and not to take a hint when a hint isn’t intended.”
- Robert Fros
“People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.”
- A. A. Milne
"Everyone should believe in something. I believe I should be on the beach drinking Margaritas."
"Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city."
– George Burns
“Once you sign on to be a mother, 24/7 is the only shift they offer.”
- Jodi Picoult.
"Red meat is not bad for you. Now blue-green meat, that's bad for you!" - Tommy Smothers
"Women should be obscene and not heard."
“There should be a rule against people trying to be funny before the sun comes up.”
– Kristen Chandler
"You call it chaos. We call it a family vacation."
“Never argue with stupid people, they will drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience.”
- Mark Twain
"Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them."
- Bill Maher
"Take the admission to the gym to avoid the admission to the hospital."
- Amit Kalantri
“Fan the sinking flame of hilarity with the wing of friendship; and pass the rosy wine.”
— Charles Dickens
"Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self esteem, first make sure that you are not, in fact, just surrounding yourself with ass****s." - William Gibson
“Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.” —Erma Bombeck
“Money may not buy happiness, but I’d rather cry in a Jaguar than on a bus.”
– Francoise Sagan
"Scorpios are powerful creatures who demand equally potent cocktails."
— Aliza Kelly
"You know, gentlemen, that I do not owe any personal income tax. But nevertheless, I send a small check, now and then, to the Internal Revenue Service out of the kindness of my heart."
— David Rockefeller
“I may be a living legend, but that sure don't help when I've got to change a flat tire.”
Roy Orbison
“All my life I thought air was free until I bought a bag of chips.”
― Unknown
"I'm a Taurus, and I defy you to find someone more stubborn, opinionated, and determined than me."
— Gary Garrison
"Staying in bed all day is my way of saving money." ~ Anonymous
“Keep calm and ommm… nonommm…” — Anonymous
"By 35, if I’m not engaged or already starting a family, I declare myself the aunt who’s always traveling & comes to family events tipsy."
"If hard work were such a wonderful thing, surely the rich would have kept it all to themselves." ~ Lane Kirkland
"When reality and dreams collide, typically it’s just your alarm clock going off.”
— Crystal Woods
“If you are not killing plants, you are not really stretching yourself as a gardener.”
— J.C. Raulston
“I just wanna kick it in the woods with my birches.”
“People are living longer than ever before, a phenomenon undoubtedly made necessary by the 30-year mortgage." ~Doug Larson
"I can tell by your sarcastic undertones, rude comments, and sheer lack of common decency that we should be best friends."
— Unknown
“A baby changes your dinner party conversation from politics to poops.”
- Maurice Johnston.
"No one betrays a Gemini and gets off without a sound ear-bashing."
— Richard MacDonald
“You can always tell a real friend: when you’ve made a fool of yourself he doesn’t feel you’ve done a permanent job.”
– Laurence J. Peter
"Nature is by and large to be found out of doors, a location where, it cannot be argued, there are never enough comfortable chairs."
- Fran Lebowitz
“A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.'”
Claude Pepper
“She says you’re not awake until you’re actually out of bed and standing up.”
– Richelle Mead
“Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?”
Jerry Seinfeld
"The politicians say 'we' can't afford a tax cut. Maybe we can't afford the politicians."
— Steve Forbes
"I’m so hot that I contribute to global warming."
Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.
Albert Einstein
“People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.” ~ Joan Rivers
“The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.”
Bill Watterson
“A day without yoga is like a sundae without sprinkles” — Emma Mildon
"Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened." - Jennifer Yane
“My daughter just lost her first tooth, which is a very sweet moment for a dad. In retrospect, I do regret punching her so hard in the face.”
- Alan Cox.
"I'd walk through fire for my best friend. Well, not fire, that would be dangerous. But a super humid room... but not too humid because, you know... my hair."
— Unknown
“Winter blues are cured every time with a potato gratin paired with a roast chicken.”
– Alexandra Guarnaschelli
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