“Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.”—George Burns
“Finally, a Thanksgiving without a drunken uncle. Just me, my nieces and nephews and my bottle of Jack Daniels.” — Conan O’Brien
“Heat, ma'am! It was so dreadful here that I found there was nothing left for it but to take off my flesh and sit in my bones.”
- Sydney Smith
"There are three stages of man: he believes in Santa Claus, he does not believe in Santa Claus, he is Santa Claus." - Bob Phillips
"I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number ou get in a diamond"- Mae West
“When people ask me if I have any spare change, I tell them I have it at home in my spare wallet.”-Nick Arnette
“Humans are not proud of their ancestors, and rarely invite them round to dinner.”
- Douglas Adams.
"Take the admission to the gym to avoid the admission to the hospital."
- Amit Kalantri
“People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.” ~ Joan Rivers
“I’m stuck between “I need to save money.” and “You only live once.”” – Anonymous
“It’s money. I remember it from when I was single” — Billy Crystal
"At fifty, everyone has the face he deserves." - George Orwell“Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school I was so smart my teacher was in my class for five years.”
- Gracie Allen
“When it snows you have two choices. Shovel or snow angels.”
“Misers are no fun to live with, but they make great ancestors.” —Tom Snyder
“Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died."
~ Erma Bombeck
“When your children are teenagers, it’s important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you.”
- Nora Ephron.
“As a parent you’ve only got one job to do: Keep your daughter off the pole.”
- Chris Rock.
"I love those days when my only decision is whether to go to the beach in the morning or in the afternoon."
"Being a good husband is like being a standup comic. You need 10 years before you can call yourself a beginner." — Jerry Seinfeld
“Parenting without a sense of humor is like being an accountant who sucks at math.”
- Amber Dusick.
“Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.”
Jim Carrey
"Ideas are like rabbits. You get a couple and learn how to handle them, and pretty soon you have a dozen."
- John Steinbeck.
"When our relatives are at home, we have to think of all their good points or it would be impossible to endure them." - George Bernard Shaw
“I do yoga so that I can stay flexible enough to kick my own arse if necessary.” — Betsy Cañas Garmon
"Love is a two-way street constantly under construction."
- Carroll Bryant.
“When there’s a single thief, it’s robbery. When there are a thousand thieves, it’s taxation.”
– Vanya Cohen
“God in his wisdom made the fly, And then forgot to tell us why.”
- Ogden Nash.
“My goal in life is to be as good of a person my dog already thinks I am.” ~ Unknown
"There’s nothing more tedious than seeing how a person shows his intellect, especially if there isn’t any."
- Erich Maria Remarque
“Your body is not a temple, it’s an amusement park. Enjoy the ride.”
― Anthony Bourdain
“Always respect Mother Nature. Especially when she weighs 400 pounds and is guarding her baby.”
- James Rollins.
“If Monday was a gift, I would happily return it to the person who gave it to me.”
“Anybody can sympathize with the sufferings of a friend, but it requires a very fine nature to sympathize with a friend’s success.“
— Oscar Wilde
“When Chuck Norris does yoga, the sun salutes him.” – Unknown
"A hospital is no place to be sick." —Samuel Goldwyn
“Trying to do your own taxes is like a do-it-yourself mugging.”
“Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.”
- Groucho Marx.
I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.
Douglas Adams
"Family Vacation (n.) A time for you to remember why your family never spends any time together."
“Silence is golden…unless you have kids, then silence is just suspicious.” - Anonymous
"Self-care is giving the world the best of you instead of what’s left of you."
— Katie Reed
I don't believe in astrology. The only stars I can blame for my failures are those that walk about the stage.
― Noel Coward
"Ships at a distance have every man’s wish on board."
- Zora Neale Hurston
“People teach their dog to sit; it’s a trick. I’ve been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.”—Mitch Hedberg
"There's one good thing about snow, it makes your lawn look as nice as your neighbor's."
- Clyde Moore
“A tourist is a fellow who drives thousands of miles so he can be photographed standing in front of his car.”
– Emile Ganest
“An addiction to gardening is not all bad when you consider all the other choices in life.”
— Cora Lea Bell
“I got chucked out of yoga class after misinterpreting Half-Moon Pose.” – Unknown
“Excercise? I thought you said extra fries.”
“Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.”
— Anonymous
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