“The only yoga stretch I've perfected is the yawn.”
- Grant Tucker.
“I have an everyday religion that works for me. Love yourself first, and everything else falls into line.”
– Lucille Ball
"If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a million times: Don’t exaggerate!"
Anonymous
“Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.”
Abraham Lincoln
They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.
Clint Eastwood
"They say true love hides in every corner. I must be walking in circles." - Unknown
"The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office.” — Robert Frost
“Why can’t the morning news ever say ‘Today has been canceled, now go back to sleep.”
– Unknown
“Never underestimate the therapeutic power of driving and listening to very loud music.”
Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.
Oscar Wilde
“If Monday was a gift, I would happily return it to the person who gave it to me.”
"A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke."
"I like long romantic walks down every aisle at Target." - Unknown
“Money’s only something you need in case you don’t die tomorrow.” – Carl Fox (Martin Sheen)Wall Street
"I orchestrate my mornings to the tune of coffee."
– Terri Guillemets
“No matter how smart you are, you can never convince someone stupid that they are stupid.”
Anonymous
“What’s the use of happiness? It can’t buy you money." ~ Henny Youngman
"First you forget names, then you forget faces, then you forget to pull your zipper up, then you forget to pull your zipper down." - Leo Rosenberg
"When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, “Did you sleep good?” I said, “No, I made a few mistakes.”
– Steven Wright
"Love is a temporary insanity curable by marriage."
- Ambrose Bierce
"Run like you stole something."
Unknown
"I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home." – Robert Orben
"If I knew I was going to live this long, I'd have taken better care of myself." —Mickey Mantle
"Family Vacation (n.) A time for you to remember why your family never spends any time together."
“The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider it.”
Joan Rivers
"It’s bad manners to let vacation wait!"
“You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine'.”
― Tommy Cooper
“Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?”
Jerry Seinfeld
"Woke up this morning with a terrific urge to lie in bed all day and read."
– Raymond Carver
"Reaching under the couch for something is the closest I'll ever get to yoga."
- Grant Tucker
“I thought about losing weight once, but I don’t like losing.”
― Unknown
“Finally, a Thanksgiving without a drunken uncle. Just me, my nieces and nephews and my bottle of Jack Daniels.” — Conan O’Brien
"To cease smoking is the easiest thing I ever did. I ought to know because I've done it a thousand times." —Mark Twain
“If I’m not back in five minutes, just wait longer.”
Ace Ventura (Jim Carrey)
“I’m spending a year dead for tax reasons.”
— Douglas Adams
“Having a family is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.”
- Martin Mull.
“You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they’re going.”
—P. J. O’Rourke
"Airplane travel is nature's way of making you look like your passport photo."
- Al Gore
"A tax cut to compensate for a tax increase is not a cut — it's a con."
— Tony Abbott
“I always carry a knife in my purse, just in case we’re having cake.”
― Unknown
The idea is to die young as late as possible.
Montagu's Maxim
“I am convinced digestion is the great secret to life.”
Sydney Smith
“Did you nap after eating the Thanksgiving meal? Or did you pass out like you were shot by a tranquilizer gun?” — Jim Gaffigan
“There’s no such thing as bad weather, just soft people.”
– Bill Bowerman
"Luck is a dividend of sweat. The more you sweat, the luckier you get."
~ Ray Kroc
"A Scorpio will carry his grudge into the afterlife if necessary to get his revenge."
— Everett A. Blackman
“I am not worried about the deficit. It is big enough to take care of itself." ~ Ronald Reagan
[on filing for tax returns] "This is too difficult for a mathematician. It takes a philosopher."
- Albert Einstein
“After a good dinner, one can forgive anybody, even one’s own relations.” —Oscar Wilde
“I come from a stupid family. During the Civil War, my great uncle fought for the west!”
Rodney Dangerfield
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