"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception."
“What strange creatures brothers are!”—Jane Austen
"I’m so cool that even ice cubes are jealous."
“If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.” — Woody Allen
“I believe someone made a grievous mistake when summer was created; no novitiate or god in their right mind would make a season akin to hell on purpose. Someone should be fired.”
― Michelle Franklin
“A lot of people like snow. I find it to be an unnecessary freezing of water.”
– Carl Reiner
“Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.”
- Elbert Hubbard
"The income tax created more criminals than any other single act of government."
- Barry Goldwater
“Children today are tyrants. They contradict their parents, gobble their food, and tyrannize their teachers.”
Socrates
“Gardeners know the best dirt.”
— Anonymous
“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.”
- Rodney Dangerfield.
"I became insane with long intervals of horrible sanity." - Edgar Allen Poe
“It’s bizarre that the [grocery store] produce manager is more important to my children’s health than the pediatrician.”
Unknown
"I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?" Jean Illsley Clarke
"Imagine being on a plane and NOT eating every item presented to you as if you will never again have ready access to food in your life."
- Jia Tolentino
“I like these cold, gray winter days. Days like these let you savor a bad mood.”
– Bill Watterson
“When you are stressed you eat ice cream, cake, chocolate and sweets because stressed spelled backward is desserts.”
― Unknown
"A man should never plant a garden larger than his wife can take care of."
- T.H. Everett
“God made up best friends because he knew our mom couldn’t handle us as sisters.”
— Unknown
“Don’t worry if people think you’re crazy. You are crazy. You have that kind of intoxicating insanity that lets other people dream outside of the lines and become who they’re destined to be.”
— Jennifer Elisabeth
“Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.” – Thomas Edison
"I wake up in the morning and lay in my bed waiting for my mom to prepare breakfast. And suddenly I remember that I’m the mom."
— Unknown
"After a good dinner, one can forgive anybody, even one's own relations."
— Oscar Wilde
"Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun." —Stephanie Ortiz
“Money’s only something you need in case you don’t die tomorrow." ~ Martin Sheen
"Women should be obscene and not heard."
“12 weeks old: when your kid is young enough to fall asleep on your chest, yet long enough to kick you in the nuts at the same time.” – Lin-Manuel Miranda
“The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30 percent of their ice cream.”
Bill Murray
“Dear winter, I’m breaking up with you. I think it’s time I start seeing other seasons. Summer is hotter than you.”
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.” - Wendy Liebman
“If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it." ~Author Unknown
“I don’t like to commit myself about heaven and hell — you see, I have friends in both places."
— Mark Twain
"A good marriage is where each partner secretly suspects they got the better deal." - Anonymous
“Marriage is a difficult project. When seven years have passed and all your body’s cells have been replaced, you’re meant to experience that seven-year itch.”
—Yoko Ono
“I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn’t a professional, the knife had butter on it.”
Rodney Dangerfield
“So far as I know, anything worth hearing is not usually uttered at seven o’clock in the morning; and if it is, it will generally be repeated at a more reasonable hour for a larger and more wakeful audience.”
— Moss Hart
“The reward for good work is more work.” – Francesca Elisia
"Patience is not a virtue for Aries. The phrase Speak now or forever hold your peace, was probably created by an impatient Aries."
— Dr. Atara
"I'm so conflicted when my husband does the laundry. On one hand, he did the laundry. On the other, my clothes can now be sold at Gap Kids." - Molly McNearney
“A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.” – Bob Hope
"Do you have any idea how cheap stocks are? Wall Street is now being called Wall Mart Street." ~ Jay Leno
Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?
Robin Williams
“Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.”
– Charles Schulz
"I'm a Taurus, and I defy you to find someone more stubborn, opinionated, and determined than me."
— Gary Garrison
"There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, 'Yes,' you know he is a crook."
“Went to Disneyland because my daughter’s obsessed with Mickey Mouse. She was so excited when I got home and told her.”
- Ryan Reynolds.
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