"The happiest marriage I can picture would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman." — Samuel Taylor Coleridge
“This is the first year I’m not going to Fiji because of COVID-19. Normally, I do not go because I am poor.”
— Brooke Miller
“I am convinced digestion is the great secret to life.”
Sydney Smith
A real Christian is a person who can give his pet parrot to the town gossip. -- Billy Graham
“Spring is nature’s way of saying, ‘Let’s party!’”
– Robin Williams
"Okay, we’re all like 90% happy and 10% sunburnt."
“Family life is a bit like a runny peach pie, not perfect but who’s complaining?”
- Robert Brault.
"Children aren’t happy without something to ignore, and that’s what parents were created for." – Ogden Nash
“I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.” — Charles Lamb
“I love money. I love everything about it. I bought some pretty good stuff. Got me a $300 pair of socks. Got a fur sink. An electric dog polisher. A gasoline powered turtleneck sweater. And, of course, I bought some dumb stuff, too.” – Steve Martin
“To hike is to complain.” – Dean Johnston
“Hiking is the only slightly less ugly stepsister of running.” – Lindy Hughes
“One of the keys to a successful marriage is separate bathrooms. When he enters my bathroom sometimes, I’m like, ‘Why are you in here?’ And he’s like, ‘I live here. Can I enjoy my bathroom too?’”—Michelle Obama
“A woman is like a tea bag – you can’t tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water.”
Eleanor Roosevelt
“I won’t be impressed with technology until I can download food.”
― Unknown
“It doesn’t matter how low the dollar will go, I will always bend down and pick it up.” ~ Anonymous
"If you want to know the correct way to perform an exercise, the answer is: Whatever hurts most."
- Jason Love.
"I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home." – Robert Orben
“It was nice growing up with someone like you—someone to lean on, someone to count on…someone to tell on!”—Unknown
“I have found out that there ain’t no surer way to find out whether you like people or hate them than to travel with them.”
– Mark Twain
"I’m getting tired of waking up and not being at the beach."
“You know, maybe this will be a good Thanksgiving. Just us and the kids. You cook and I’ll watch football with my pants open all day.” — Ray Romano, “Everybody Loves Raymond”
"I like long romantic walks down every aisle at Target." - Unknown
“Driving is boring,” Rabbit pontificates, “but it’s what we do. Most of American life is driving somewhere and then driving back wondering why the hell you went.”
– John Updike
"Real love amounts to withholding the truth, even when you're offered the perfect opportunity to hurt someone's feelings." — David Sedaris
"You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake." – Bob Hope
"My doctor recently told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already." —Milton Berle
"It's funny when people think 'yoga people' are supposed to be calm. No. We're all here because we're nuts." — Unknown
“Plant carrots in January and you’ll never have to eat carrots.”
— Anonymous
"Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough."
“My advice to you is get married: If you find a good wife you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher.” —Socrates
“Your basic extended family today includes your ex-husband or ex-wife, your ex’s new mate, your new mate, possibly your new mate’s ex and any new mate that your new mate’s ex has acquired.”
- Delia Ephron
"If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire."
~ Cannon’s Law
"I don’t know whether they should say “You have a baby” or “The baby has you”." ~ Anonymous
“I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.”
– Steven Wright
“Money often costs too much." ~Ralph Waldo Emerson
"We don’t grow older, we grow riper." - Pablo Picasso
"Worried about an IRS audit? Avoid what's called a red flag. That's something the IRS always looks for. For example, say you have some money left in your bank account after paying taxes. That's a red flag."
― Jay Leno
"Everything slows down with age, except the time it takes cake and ice cream to reach your hips." - John Wagner
“Yes, I deserve a spring – I owe nobody nothing."
– Virginia Woolf
“My esteem in this country has gone up substantially. It is very nice now that when people wave at me, they use all their fingers.”
Jimmy Carter
"My doctor recently told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already." —Milton Berle
“Having kids makes you look stable to the people who thought you were crazy and crazy to the people who thought you were stable.” – Kelly Oxford
"Women should be obscene and not heard."
"Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe." – Jackie Mason
"Going on a hike is like having your car break down but on purpose."
- John Lyon
"I am not the type who wants to go back to the land; I am the type who wants to go back to the hotel."
- Fran Lebowitz
"I consider my refusal to go to the gym today as resistance training ."
- Immortal Souls.
“I do Yoga to relieve stress… Just kidding I drink wine in yoga pants.” — Anonymous
“Raising kids is part joy and part guerrilla warfare.”
- Ed Asner.
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