“Marrying a man is like buying something you’ve been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn’t always go with everything else in the house.” —Jean Kerr
"Ships at a distance have every man’s wish on board."
- Zora Neale Hurston
“Summer is the annual permission slip to be lazy.”
– Regina Brett
“Never underestimate the therapeutic power of driving and listening to very loud music.”
“Saving is a very fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.” – Winston Churchill
“A new survey found that 80 percent of men claim they help cook Thanksgiving dinner. Which makes sense when you hear them consider saying ‘that smells good’ to be helping.” —Jimmy Fallon
“I realized my family was funny because nobody ever wanted to leave our house.”
- Anthony Anderson
"Why don't you go home to your wife? Better yet, I'll go home to your wife, and outside of the improvement, she won't notice any difference."
“I’m not aging, I just need repotting.”
— Anonymous
"I’m too busy working on my own grass to notice if yours is greener."
"Remember, the second most important thing to choosing the right shoe is choosing the left one."
Unknown
"Between men and women, there is no friendship possible. There is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship."
- Oscar Wilde
“Older siblings: the only people who will pick on you for their own entertainment and beat up anyone else who tries.”—Unknown
“Saw a chameleon today so I'm assuming it wasn't a very good one." - Unknown Author
“They were a people so primitive they did not know how to get money, except by working for it.” Joseph Addison.
"I'd walk through fire for my best friend. Well, not fire, that would be dangerous. But a super humid room... but not too humid because, you know... my hair."
— Unknown
“When preparing to travel, lay out all your clothes and all your money. Then take half the clothes and twice the money.”
— Susan Heller
“Family ties mean that no matter how much you might want to run from your family, you can’t.”—Unknown
"To cease smoking is the easiest thing I ever did. I ought to know because I've done it a thousand times." —Mark Twain
“You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.”
George Burns
"Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist should have his head examined." - Samuel Goldwyn
"They say true love hides in every corner. I must be walking in circles." - Unknown
“All kidding aside, if everyone did yoga, we would have world peace.” — Rory Freedman
“My daughter just lost her first tooth, which is a very sweet moment for a dad. In retrospect, I do regret punching her so hard in the face.”
- Alan Cox.
“You drink too much. Cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You’re everything I ever wanted in a friend.”
— Unknown
"I don't think jogging is healthy, especially morning jogging. If morning joggers knew how tempting they looked to morning motorists, they would stay home and do sit-ups."
Rita Rudner
“By the time you’re 80 years old you’ve learned everything. You only have to remember it.” —George Burns
"Raising kids is part joy and part guerilla warfare." - End Asner
“Some people wake up drowsy. Some people wake up energized. I wake up dead.”
— James Marsden
“Marriage is work. Marriage is a career. It's not an adventure, you do more before five than most folks do all day.”— Sinbad
“A mother becomes a true grandmother the day she stops noticing the terrible things her children do because she is so enchanted with the wonderful things her grandchildren do.”—Lois Wyse
“I talked to a wild group last night. I knew it the minute someone yelled ‘Louder!’ during the silent meditation. – Robert Orben”
“May your coffee be strong and your Monday productive.”
“You cannot be anything if you want to be everything.”
Solomon Schechter
All my friends complaint about not feeling good, and are freaking out about their lives, and I’m just like, “There’s Yoga pose for that!” — Unknown
A child is a curly, dimpled lunatic.
Ralph Waldo Emerson
"Jogging is very beneficial. It's good for your legs and your feet. It's also very good for the ground. It makes it feel needed."
Charles Schulz
“I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.”—Erma Bombeck
“A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.” – Bob Hope
“Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I’m not sure about the former.”
- Albert Einstein
“Friends give you a shoulder to cry on. But best friends are ready with a shovel to hurt the person that made you cry.”
— Unknown
“Dear Monday, my mama doesn’t like you and she likes everyone.”
“Driving at night is about communicating with lights.”
— Lukhman Pambra
“Don’t believe everything fortune cookies tell you. Just because they’re sweet doesn’t mean they’re right.”
― Unknown
“I have an everyday religion that works for me. Love yourself first, and everything else falls into line.”
– Lucille Ball
"To get back to my youth I would do anything in the world, except take exercise, get up early, or be respectable." - Oscar Wilde
"It sounds plausible enough tonight, but wait until tomorrow. Wait for the common sense of the morning."
— H.G. Wells
"Behind every successful man is a woman; behind her is his wife."
“October: This is one of the particularly dangerous months to invest in stocks. Other dangerous months are July, January, September, April, November, May, March, June, December, August and February.” Mark Twain
"As a child, my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it."
— Buddy Hackett
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