“Anytime you see a turtle up on top of a fence post, you know he had some help."
- Alex Haley
“Every generation revolts against its fathers and makes friends with its grandfathers.”—Lewis Mumford
“I intend to live forever. So far, so good.”
Steven Wright
"Staying in bed all day is my way of saving money." ~ Anonymous
“There’s no need for a piece of sculpture in a home that has a cat.”
- Wesley Bates.
“Sunday morning my head is bad. But it's worth all the time I had. But I've got to go and get some rest. For Monday is a mess!”
– Dave Bartholomew, Blue Monday
"My mom used to say it doesn’t matter how many kids you have… because one kid will take up 100% of your time so more kids can’t possibly take up more than 100% of your time." - Karen Brown
“I hate when I lose things at work, like pens, papers, sanity and dreams.” – Anonymous
“Old age is an excellent time for outrage. My goal is to say or do at least one outrageous thing every week.” - Maggie Kuhn
"I'm not sure what makes pepperoni so good if it's the pepper or the oni."
— Ulrik Stephens
“Family love is messy, clinging, and of an annoying and repetitive pattern…like bad wallpaper.”
- Friedrich Nietzsche.
“Parenting without a sense of humor is like being an accountant who sucks at math.”
- Amber Dusick.
"Even if the farmer intends to loaf, he gets up in time to get an early start."
- E.W. Howe
“Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.”
Will Rogers
“If you start drinking now, Thanksgiving could be a lot of fun.” — Conan O’Brien
It would be nice to spend billions on schools and roads, but right now that money is desperately needed for political ads.
Andy Borowitz
"The dumbest people I know are those who Know It All."
– Malcolm Forbes
"Marriage is a bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them." - Anonymous
“Deep summer is when laziness finds respectability.”
– Sam Keen
“You fool! You’re 30 cents away from having a quarter!” –Sweet Dick Willie (Robin Harris)Do the Right Thing
“You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, ‘Wow, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!’”—Dave Barry
“Going to work for a large company is like getting on a train. Are you going sixty miles an hour or is the train going sixty miles an hour and you’re just sitting still?” — J. Paul Getty
“If you have never been hated by your child, you have never been a parent.”
- Bette Davis.
“For every tax problem, there is a solution which is straightforward, uncomplicated-and wrong.”
“The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.”—Henny Youngman
"The best abs exercise is five sets of stop eating so much..."
– Lazar Angelov
“I’m a typical Capricorn. I’m hardworking, loyal, sometimes stubborn, and I don’t believe in astrology.”
— Jonah Peretti
“The safest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it in your pocket.” – Kin Hubbard
"If the poor overweight jogger only knew how far he had to run to work off the calories in a crust of bread he might find it better in terms of pound per mile to go to a massage parlor."
- Christiaan Barnard
“Thanksgiving is so called because we are all so thankful that it only comes once a year.” — P.J. O’Rourke
"The greatest thing in family life is to take a hint when a hint is intended and not to take a hint when a hint isn’t intended.”
- Robert Fros
"Alcohol may be man's worst enemy but the Bible says to love your enemy."
- Frank Sinatra
“This has been such a Monday! I wish I stayed in bed, and I wish that yesterday had never happened.”
– Lisa Mantchev
“Remember that creating a successful marriage is like farming: you have to start over again every morning.” —H. Jackson Brown, Jr
“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees, and he told me about the butcher and my wife.” – Rodney Dangerfield
“I’m totally ‘that dad’ who leaves a note in my son’s lunch box. One day I’ll actually start putting food in there also.”
- Steve Ryan.
All my friends complaint about not feeling good, and are freaking out about their lives, and I’m just like, “There’s Yoga pose for that!” — Unknown
“I realized my family was funny because nobody ever wanted to leave our house.”
- Anthony Anderson
“My sister’s expecting a baby, and I don’t know if I’m going to be an uncle or an aunt.”
- Chuck Nevitt
“A child is a curly dimpled lunatic." – Ralph Emerson
"Between men and women, there is no friendship possible. There is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship."
- Oscar Wilde
“It’s like kids can just smell when you start relaxing.” - Anonymous
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away, But if the doctor is cute forget the fruit.”
Sammie
"It's rude to count people as you pass them. Out loud."
From an Adidas ad
“Doing nothing is very hard to do… you never know when you’re finished.” — Leslie Nielsen
"If you want your children to turn out well, spend twice as much time with them and half as much money."
– Abigail Van Buren
“We live by the Golden Rule. Those who have the gold make the rules." ~Buzzie Bavasi
"Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." — Jules Renard
"A journey is like marriage. The certain way to be wrong is to think you control it."
- John Steinbeck
"Warning... I'm exercising, eating right and watching my alcohol intake... which means I'm sober, I'm cranky and I'm sore, so proceed with caution!"
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