"I like long romantic walks down every aisle at Target." - Unknown
"Good things come slow. Especially in distance running."
Bill Dellinger
“Moist groaned. It was the crack of seven and he was allergic to the concept of two seven o’clocks in one day.”
— Terry Pratchett
“The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs, one step at a time.”
Joe Girard
“If you eliminate smoking and gambling, you will be amazed to find that almost all an Englishman’s pleasures can be, and mostly are, shared by his dog.”
George Bernard Shaw
"There are only two emotions on a plane: boredom and terror."
- Orson Welles
“My job is fun! I should change this line once in a while. My brain has started to realize that I am lying to it every morning."
~ Anonymous
“A true friend is someone who is there for you when they would rather be someplace else.”
– Len Wein
“The only thing that ever sat its way to success was a hen.” — Sarah Brown
"I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home."
– Robert Orben
"Military justice is to justice what military music is to music."
“We live by the Golden Rule. Those who have the gold make the rules." ~Buzzie Bavasi
“I think every kid thinks their dad is goofy.”
- Judd Apatow.
"Getting older. I used to be able to run a 4-minute mile, bench press 380 pounds, and tell the truth." - Conan O’Brien
“Seriousness is stupidity sent to college.”
- P. J. O’Rourke
“The best car safety device is a rear-view mirror with a cop in it.”
— Dudley Moore
“It was nice growing up with someone like you—someone to lean on, someone to count on…someone to tell on!”—Unknown
“It could be that your purpose in life is to serve as a warning to others.”
Ashleigh Brilliant
“Mother-daughter disagreements were, in hindsight, basically mother stating the truth and daughter taking her own sweet time coming around.”—Barbara Delinsky
"There is still no cure for the common birthday." - John Glenn
“He who marries for love without money has good nights and sorry days.” – Anonymous
“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.“
Rodney Dangerfield
“Money is something you have to make in case you don’t die.” Max Asnas.
“It’s a bit unnerving That doctors call what they do practice.”
Unknown
"It's amazing how much stuff we get done the day before vacation?"
- Zig Ziglar
"I became insane with long intervals of horrible sanity." - Edgar Allen Poe
“If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.”
- Mark Twain.
All gardeners know better than other gardeners.”
— Chinese Proverb
“As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.”—Buddy Hackett
“What we’re really talking about is a wonderful day set aside on the fourth Thursday of November when no one diets. I mean, why else would they call it Thanksgiving?” — Erma Bombeck
“What on earth would I do if four bears came into my camp? Why, I would die of course. Literally sh** myself lifeless.” – Bill Bryson
“Maybe Monday doesn’t like you either.”
Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.
Benjamin Franklin
“Parenting is a constant battle between going to bed to catch up on some sleep or staying awake to finally get some alone time.” — Anonymous
"I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying."
- Oscar Wilde
"The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found."
— Calvin Trillin
“A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.”
Groucho Marx
“No matter how much time you spend reading books or following your intuition, you’re gonna screw it up. Fifty times. You can’t do parenting right.”
- Alan Arkin.
“A man’s womenfolk, whatever their outward show of respect for his merit and authority, always regard him secretly as an ass, and with something akin to pity.”
- H. L. Mencken.
"Never eat more than you can lift."
— Miss Piggy
"Love is an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." - Jules Renard
“You can always tell about somebody by the way they put their hands on an animal.”
- Betty White.
With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.
Rodney Dangerfield
"I'm not sure how the average American would differentiate National Dessert Day from any other day."
– Andy Borowitz
“Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers.” — Homer Simpson
"There's one good thing about snow, it makes your lawn look as nice as your neighbor's."
- Clyde Moore
“There should be a rule against people trying to be funny before the sun comes up.”
– Kristen Chandler
“All of the animals except for man know that the principle business of life is to enjoy it.”
- Samuel Butler..
"I'll have a double cappuccino, half-caf, non-fat milk, with enough foam to be aesthetically pleasing, but not so much that it would leave a mustache."
— Niles Crane
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
Abraham Lincoln
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