"I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world."
— E. B. White
“We’ve all done this because we’re so mature. You see a cow on the side of the road, stick your head out the window and go, “Mooooo!” Like we expect the cow to think, “Hey, there’s another cow, driving that car! How can he afford that?”
- Garry Shandling.
"Reaching under the couch for something is the closest I'll ever get to yoga."
- Grant Tucker
"Life is short. Running makes it seem longer."
Baron Hansen
“Money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy you the kind of misery you prefer." ~Author Unknown
“Did you know the actual difference between hill and hell is just a fine line?”
“Marriage is the bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them.”—Ogden Nash
“The thing about parenting rules is there aren’t any. That’s what makes it so difficult.”
- Ewan McGregor.
"I’m too busy working on my own grass to notice if yours is greener."
"Insanity is hereditary you get it from your kids." – Sam Levenson
I can tell if two people are in love by how they hold each other’s hands, and how thick their sanitation gloves are.
Jarod Kintz
“Coworkers are like Christmas lights. They hang together, half of them don’t work and the other half aren’t so bright.” – Anonymous
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Alan Dundes
“Unless you are a pizza, the answer is yes, I can live without you.”
― Bill Murray
“From birth to age 18, a girl needs good parents, from 18 to 35 she needs good looks, from 35 to 55 she needs a good personality, and from 55 on she needs cash.” – Sophie Tucker
“You’re making it difficult for me to be the parent I always imagined I would be." - Anonymous
"If all the rich people in the world divided up their money among themselves, there wouldn’t be enough to go around." ~ Christina Stead
“It was nice growing up with someone like you—someone to lean on, someone to count on…someone to tell on!”—Unknown
“Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.”
Chris Rock
“I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can’t get killed by a blank?” — Milton Berle
"It's amazing how much stuff we get done the day before vacation?"
- Zig Ziglar
"All men are the same age." - Dorothy Parker
“All I ask is a chance to prove that money can’t make me happy." ~ Spike Milligan
“I love airports because the rules of society don’t apply. Eat a pizza and have a glass of wine at 7 am while in track pants. Nobody cares.”
Unknown
“You don’t have to be crazy to be my friend. I’ll train you.”
— Unknown
“If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.”
- Mark Twain.
"Almost everything will work again if you unplug it for a few minutes, including yourself."
— Anne Lamott
"If you don’t drink, smoke, or drive a car, you’re a tax evader."
– Thomas S Foley
“It’s so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don’t say it.”
"If hard work were such a wonderful thing, surely the rich would have kept it all to themselves." ~ Lane Kirkland
"Stupidity is a talent for misconception."
- Edgar Allan Poe
"If you want to know the correct way to perform an exercise, the answer is: Whatever hurts most."
- Jason Love.
“You define a good flight by negatives: you didn’t get hijacked, you didn’t crash, you didn’t throw up, you weren’t late, you weren’t nauseated by the food. So you are grateful.”
– Paul Theroux
“Misers are no fun to live with, but they make great ancestors.” —Tom Snyder
"Fish is the only food that is considered spoiled once it smells like what it is."
— P. J. O'Rourke
“Road Trips: Because they’re cheaper than therapy.”
"Life is uncertain. Eat dessert first."
– Ernestine Ulmer
“Anybody who tells you money can’t buy happiness never had any.” —Samuel L. Jackson
“Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.” - Kathy Mohnke
“This has been such a Monday! I wish I stayed in bed, and I wish that yesterday had never happened.”
– Lisa Mantchev
“What we’re really talking about is a wonderful day set aside on the fourth Thursday of November when no one diets. I mean, why else would they call it Thanksgiving?” — Erma Bombeck
"Humor keeps us alive. Humor and food. Don't forget food. You can go a week without laughing."
— Joss Whedon
“It’s just the most amazing thing to love a dog, isn’t it? It makes our relationships with people seem as boring as a bowl of oatmeal.”—John Grogan
“Money’s only something you need in case you don’t die tomorrow." ~ Martin Sheen
"I sent the club a wire stating, 'Please accept my resignation. I don't want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member.'"
“Cauliflower is a cabbage with a college education.”
— Mark Twain
“Nothing in life is fun for the whole family. There are no massage parlors with ice cream and free jewelry.”
- Jerry Seinfeld
"At age 20, we worry about what others think of us… at age 40, we don’t care what they think of us… at age 60, we discover they haven’t been thinking of us at all." - Ann Landers
“If you fall, I’ll be there. Love, Your Mat” -Unknown
“Government’s view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it.”
– Ronald Reagan
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