"It is the dull man who is always sure and the sure man who is always dull."
— H.L. Mencken
“Summer is the annual permission slip to be lazy.”
– Regina Brett
“Why do married people live longer than single people? I think it’s because married people make a special effort to live longer than their partner—just so they can have the last word.”—Janet Periat
“I’m spending a year dead for tax reasons.”
— Douglas Adams
"Summer vacations are a time when parents realize that teachers are grossly underpaid."
"Wait. Why am I thinking about Krispy Kremes? We're supposed to be exercising."
— Meg Cabot
"Fitness: If it came in a bottle, everyone would have a great body."
- Cher.
"The income tax created more criminals than any other single act of government."
- Barry Goldwater
“I believe someone made a grievous mistake when summer was created; no novitiate or god in their right mind would make a season akin to hell on purpose. Someone should be fired.”
― Michelle Franklin
"It is a good thing that we do not get as much government as we pay for."
- Will Rogers
“It’s just the most amazing thing to love a dog, isn’t it? It makes our relationships with people seem as boring as a bowl of oatmeal.”—John Grogan
“If you think money doesn’t grow on trees, you ain’t checking every limb.” – Chamillionaire
Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?
Robin Williams
“Stupid people will mistake your confidence for arrogance.”
- Habeeb Akande
“I made my money the old-fashioned way. I was very nice to a wealthy relative right before he died” — Malcolm Forbes
“I don’t like Sunday nights because you have to wake up to a Monday morning.”
“Avoid any diet that discourages the use of hot fudge.”
Tom Waits
Success is like toilet paper; it only seems important when you don’t have it.
Richard Jeni
“My mother’s menu consisted of two choices: Take it or leave it.” – Buddy Hackett
“Sometimes I get the feeling the aspirin companies are sponsoring my headaches.”
Unknown
"I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world."
— E. B. White
"My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes." — Emo Philips
"Give your relationship attention like you would a plant. You have to water it every day and give it sunshine. So put your man out in the sun and spray him with a hose."
- Whitney Cummings.
“Aries: You can't handle me even if I came with instructions.”
“It’s just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I beat people up.”- Muhammad Ali
“Even though we’re a week and a half away from Thanksgiving, it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas.” —Richard Roeper
“Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I’m not sure about the former.”
- Albert Einstein
"I figure that if the children are alive when I get home, I’ve done my job." – Roseanne Barr
"Worried about an IRS audit? Avoid what's called a red flag. That's something the IRS always looks for. For example, say you have some money left in your bank account after paying taxes. That's a red flag."
― Jay Leno
“I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.”
Les Dawson
“Dogs are great. Bad dogs, if you can really call them that, are perhaps the greatest of them all.”—John Grogan
"Getting older. I used to be able to run a 4-minute mile, bench press 380 pounds, and tell the truth." - Conan O’Brien
“In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn’t danced in television.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“You know that just before the first Thanksgiving there was one wise old Native American woman saying, “Don’t feed them. If you feed them, they’ll never leave.” —Dylan Brody
“They laugh at me because I’m different: I laugh at them because they’re all the same.”
“Kids are expensive, I didn’t even realize how broke I was until last year someone stole my identity and it ruined her life.”—Kate Davis
“If you’re going to tell people the truth, be funny or they’ll kill you.”
Billy Wilder
"Parenthood is a lot easier to get into then out of." – Bruce Lansky
"As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife."
“I probably wouldn’t kill so many houseplants if they could scream for food and water the way my pets and children do.”
— Anonymous
“Happy Thanksgiving! This year I’m thankful that your family is so annoying you’re checking Twitter instead of talking to them.” — Stephen Colbert
“The secret to a long marriage is to stay gone.” - Dolly Parton
"Drive slow and enjoy the scenery - drive fast and join the scenery."
- Douglas Horton
"Calming the mind is yoga. Not just standing on the head."
- Swami Satchidananda
“People do not wish to appear foolish; to avoid the appearance of foolishness, they are willing to remain actually fools.”
- Alice Walker
"Staying in bed all day is my way of saving money." ~ Anonymous
“Friends are people who know you really well and like you anyway.”
— Greg Tamblyn
"Money can’t buy love, but it improves your bargaining position." — Christopher Marlowe
"I always thought a yard was three feet, then I started mowing the lawn."
- C.E. Cowman
"When our relatives are at home, we have to think of all their good points or it would be impossible to endure them." - George Bernard Shaw
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