“To shorten winter, borrow some money due in spring. ” — W.J. Vogel
"What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds."
- Cindy Garner.
“On our 6 a.m. walk, my daughter asked where the moon goes each morning. I let her know it’s in heaven, visiting Daddy’s freedom.” – Ryan Reynolds
“Having a family is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.”
- Martin Mull.
"Without ice cream, there would be darkness and chaos."
– Don Kardong
“Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.”
- Elbert Hubbard
"I don’t know whether they should say “You have a baby” or “The baby has you”." ~ Anonymous
"I go running when I have to. Like when the ice cream truck is doing sixty."
Wendy Liebman
"Love can change a person the way a parent can change a baby — awkwardly, and often with a great deal of mess." — Lemony Snicket
“Sorry for what I said before I yoga-ed.” – Unknown
“A pizza slice a day keeps sadness away.”
― Jet Paacal
"Taking a dog named Shark to the beach is a bad idea"
"Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you."
"Go, and never darken my towels again."
“My esteem in this country has gone up substantially. It is very nice now that when people wave at me, they use all their fingers.”
Jimmy Carter
"I would like to find a stew that will give me heartburn immediately, instead of at three o'clock in the morning."
– John Barrymore
"Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know."
"People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy."
- Bob Hope
“Never get married in college; it’s hard to get a start if a prospective employer finds you’ve already made one mistake.”—Elbert Hubbard
“To be stupid, selfish, and have good health are three requirements for happiness, though if stupidity is lacking, all is lost.”
- Gustave Flaubert
“Have leftover Eggo waffles from your Eleven Halloween costume? We’ll show you how to make it into Thanksgiving stuffing. After the break.” — John Mayer
"A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running."
"It is true that speed kills. In distance running, it kills anyone who does not have it."
Brooks Johnson
“A lot of Thanksgiving Days have been ruined by not carving the turkey in the kitchen.” —Kin Hubbard
“My friends and family always thought I was pretty funny, but I don’t know if they thought I was get-my-own-show funny.”
- Nick Kroll
“Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread, and pumpkin pie.” —Jim Davis
“We were married for better or worse. I couldn’t have done better and she couldn’t have done worse.” —Henry Youngman
“Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings.”
Robert Benchley
A good speech should be like a woman's skirt: long enough to cover the subject and short enough to create interest.
Winston Churchill
“Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? There’s a support group for that. It’s called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar."
~ Drew Carey
"I need summer to be longer so I have more time to do nothing"
"I guess I think of lotteries as a tax on the mathematically challenged."
- Roger Jones
“Being part of a family means smiling for photos.” –Harry Morgan
“You know that just before the first Thanksgiving there was one wise old Native American woman saying, “Don’t feed them. If you feed them, they’ll never leave.” —Dylan Brody
“A fool and his money are lucky enough to get together in the first place.” — Gordon Gekko (Michael Douglas) Wall Street
“Enjoy every second of Sunday, for when you least expect Monday comes to haunt you.”
"I don't eat lobsters, shrimp, or crawfish because I don't eat anything that looks like I should step on it."
— George Carlin
“The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you’re signing somebody’s cast.”
Demetri Martin
“Ah, summer, what power you have to make us suffer and like it.”
-Russell Baker
"The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he’s a baby."
- Natalie Wood.
“Being a couch potato is dangerous, someone may get hungry and eat you!”
― Unknown
“In fifty years, he never worked a day. To him, nine to five was odds on a horse."
~ Archie Bunker
“It’s so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don’t say it.”
"The years between 50 and 70 are the hardest. You are always being asked to do things, and yet you are not decrepit enough to turn them down." - T.S. Elliot
“Adults are always asking children what they want to be when they grow up because they’re looking for ideas.” —Paula Poundstone
“Some people walk in the rain; others just get wet.” – Roger Miller
“You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, ‘Wow, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!’”—Dave Barry
"Reality is the leading cause of stress among those in touch with it." —Lily Tomlin
“Respect your parents. These guys pay for your internet.”—Unknown
“You know your life has changed when going to the grocery store by yourself is a vacation.” - Anonymous
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