“What Yoga really is… Spending an entire hour trying not to fart.”— Anonymous
"I always write “Wake Up” on my To-Do-List so I can at least accomplish one thing a day."
– Unknown
“When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they’re finished, I climb out.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“Cancers are Moonchildren; totally influenced by the waxing and waning cycles of the Moon. Asking them to remain in one feeling, one mood, or one state of mind is pure insanity.”
— Sherene Schostak
“There are much easier things in life than finding a good man. Nailing Jell-O to a tree, for instance.”
Anonymous
"There's always something to be thankful for on Thanksgiving. Even if it's just not being a turkey." -Unknown
After 12 years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes… he said, "No hablo Ingles."
Ronnie Shakes
“Kilometers are shorter than miles. Save gas, take your next trip in kilometers.”
– George Carlin
“When it comes to staying young, a mind-lift beats a face-lift any day.” – Marty Buccella
“Dear winter, I’m breaking up with you. I think it’s time I start seeing other seasons. Summer is hotter than you.”
“I love cleaning up messes I didn’t make. So I became a Mom.” – Unknown
“Work is a necessity for man. Man invented the alarm clock."
~ Pablo Picasso
"If you start to feel good during an ultra, don't worry, you will get over it."
Gene Thibeault
“When I hear somebody sigh, “Life is hard”, I am always tempted to ask, “Compared to what?””
– Sydney Harris
“Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.”
George Carlin
“Never argue with stupid people, they will drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience.”
- Mark Twain
“Nascar would be so much more entertaining if they threw banana peels and turtle shells.”
"I guess I think of lotteries as a tax on the mathematically challenged."
- Roger Jones
“A child is a curly dimpled lunatic." – Ralph Emerson
"Hard work is damn near as overrated as monogamy."
~ Huey Long
"Every garden is unique with a multitude of choices in soils, plants and themes. Finding your garden theme is as easy as seeing what brings a smile to your face."
- Teresa Watkins
“Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can’t sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can’t sleep with the window open.”—George Bernard Shaw
"A road trip is a way for the whole family to spend time together and annoy each other in interesting new places."
– Tom Lichtenheld
“The biggest thing I remember is that there was just no transition. You hit the ground diapering.”
- Paul Reiser.
“Patience is something you admire in the driver behind you and scorn in the one ahead.”
— Mac McCleary
“You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine'.”
― Tommy Cooper
“You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they’re going.”
—P. J. O’Rourke
“I say if you love something, set it in a small cage and pester and smother it with love until it either loves you back or dies.” — Mindy Kaling
“If the winter is too cold and the summer is too hot, you are not a hiker.”
“Anyone who has time for drama is not gardening enough”
— Anonymous
"Old age is always fifteen years older than I am." - Oliver Wendell Holmes
No man ever believes that the Bible means what it says. He is always convinced that it says what he means. -- George Bernard Shaw
"Never eat more than you can lift"- Miss Piggy.
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"I tried every diet in the book. I tried some that weren't in the book. I tried eating the book. It tasted better than most of the diets."- Dolly Parton
"The trouble with always trying to preserve the health of the body is that it is so difficult to do without destroying the health of the mind." - G.K. Chesterton
"My doctor recently told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already." —Milton Berle
My favorite outdoor activity is the short walk back inside.
"Why don't you go home to your wife? Better yet, I'll go home to your wife, and outside of the improvement, she won't notice any difference."
The idea is to die young as late as possible.
Montagu's Maxim
“I love money. I love everything about it. I bought some pretty good stuff. Got me a $300 pair of socks. Got a fur sink. An electric dog polisher. A gasoline powered turtleneck sweater. And, of course, I bought some dumb stuff, too.” – Steve Martin
“I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.”
Noel Coward
"I run so my goals in life will continue to get bigger instead of my belly."
Bill Kirby
“All the things I like to do are either immoral, illegal, or fattening.” —Alexander Woollcott
“Women prefer men who have something tender about them – especially the legal kind." ~Kay Ingram
“In olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar, a practice which is still very much practiced.” —Helen Rowland
"No doubt a brain and some shoes are essential for marathon success. Although if it comes down to a choice, pick the shoes. More people finish marathons with no brains than with no shoes."
Don Kardong
“Mondays are a lot like getting fat. They make you feel sad, sometimes angry and there is not much scope for liking either fat or Mondays for any reason.”
– Garry Moll
“Sisters never quite forgive each other for what happened when they were five.”—Pam Brown
“I find being a Pisces a bit of a rollercoaster sometimes! I can talk myself right in and right out of any decision, any subject, any time.”
— Mary English
If you use the church's WiFi, are you receiving God's signal? -- Anonymous
“The older I get, the better I used to be.” – Lee Trevino
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