“Do you think Abe Lincoln would have declared Thanksgiving a national holiday if he knew it would mean the Lions play every year?” — Conan O’Brien
"Life is short. Running makes it seem longer."
Baron Hansen
“Summer bachelors like summer breezes, are never as cool as they pretend to be.”
– Nora Ephron
“There is no sincerer love than the love of food.” —George Bernard Shaw
“If only God would give me a clear sign, like making a large deposit in my swiss bank account." ~ Woody Allen
"Fitness: If it came in a bottle, everyone would have a great body."
- Cher.
I feel so miserable without you, it’s almost like having you here."
- Stephen Bishop
“I put my phone in airplane mode, but it’s not flying!"
“If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in the dark with a mosquito.”
– Betty Reese
As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.
Buddy Hackett
“I celebrated Thanksgiving the old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.” —Jon Stewart
“Having kids makes you look stable to the people who thought you were crazy and crazy to the people who thought you were stable.” – Kelly Oxford
“I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.”
- Erma Bombeck
“Me to my students every day: Close your eyes. If you can still see me, it could be a sign that your eyes are still open.” – Unknown
"In the family sandwich, the older people and the younger ones can recognize one another as the bread. Those in the middle are, for a time, the meat." - Anna Quindlen
"Work out in the morning, before your brain figures out what you’re doing."
– Unknown
“Some mornings I wake up grouchy. Other mornings I just let him sleep.”—Unknown
"Our party has been accused of fooling the public by calling tax increases 'revenue enhancement'. Not so. No one was fooled."
— Dan Quayle
"Don't make love by the garden gate - love is blind, but the neighbours ain't." - Anonymous
"As a child, my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it."
— Buddy Hackett
“Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won’t be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.” -Henny Youngman
"If you can count your money, you don’t have a billion dollars." ~ J. Paul Getty
"Go, and never darken my towels again."
“Nascar would be so much more entertaining if they threw banana peels and turtle shells.”
“Hello and welcome to Monday. Do you take sugar, cream, or Valium in your morning coffee?”
"What is a home without children. Quiet." – Henny Youngman
"When did my wild oats turn to prunes and all bran?"
- Lucy Parker
"When you see a couple walking down the street holding hands and laughing, you look over to your side and the only thing you're holding is a half-eaten sandwich."
— Violet Matters
"I guess I think of lotteries as a tax on the mathematically challenged."
- Roger Jones
“From the ages of 8-18, me and my family moved around a lot. Mostly we would just stretch, but occasionally one of us would actually get up to go to the fridge.”
- Jarod Kintz
“If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.”
Steven Wright
"When you’re older, Friday means less parking spots." - Larry David
"Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out." - Phyllis Diller
"I can tell by your sarcastic undertones, rude comments, and sheer lack of common decency that we should be best friends."
— Unknown
“Best Friend: One million memories, ten thousand inside jokes, one hundred shared secrets.”
— Unknown
“Having children is like living in a frat house — nobody sleeps, everything s broken, and there’s a lot of throwing up.”
- Ray Romano.
"Pollen- when flowers can't keep it in their plants"
"A truly appreciative child will break, lose, spoil, or fondle to death any really successful gift within a matter of minutes." – Russell Lynes
“There is no such thing as bad weather, only different kinds of good weather.”
– John Ruskin
"A bad cold wouldn't be so annoying if it weren't for the advice of our friends." - Kin Hubbard
Tim Vine
grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance waiting for the bathroom.
"What does the letter "A" have in common with a flower?
They both have bees coming after them."
- Kim Roblin
“The only thing that kids wear out faster than shoes is their parents.”
- John J. Plomp.
"I’m so hot that I contribute to global warming."
Gary Delaney
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
“The learned fool writes his nonsense in better language than the unlearned, but still ‘this nonsense.”
– Benjamin Franklin
“If you’re a zebra being chased by a lion, maybe just stop in front of a giant bar code?”
- Guy Endore-Kaiser.
“Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.” - Kathy Mohnke
“Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.”
Groucho Marx
"Age is something that doesn’t matter, unless you are a cheese." – Billie Burke
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