“Money and women are the most sought after and the least known about of any two things we have.”— Will Rogers
“Vacation is that time when you wish you had something to do while doing nothing.”
–Frank Tyger
“In order to maintain a well-balanced perspective, the person who has a dog to worship him should also have a cat to ignore him.” —Peterborough Examiner, Canada
“I always give 100% at Work: 10% Monday, 23% Tuesday, 40% Wednesday, 22% Thursday, and 5% Friday.” –Anonymous
I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.
Lily Tomlin
“If you think your boss is stupid, remember: you wouldn’t have a job if he was any smarter.” — John Gotti
Religion is what keeps the poor from murdering the rich. -- Napoleon
“Many people spend more time in planning the wedding than they do in planning the marriage.” —Zig Ziglar
"Go, and never darken my towels again."
“Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won’t be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.” -Henny Youngman
“It’s just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I beat people up.”- Muhammad Ali
Bob Hope
I have Alzheimer’s bulimia – first I eat everything in sight and then I forget to puke.
"You know you’re getting old when you can pinch an inch on your forehead." - John Mendoza
“I think Smithers picked me because of my motivational skills. Everyone says they have to work a lot harder when I’m around.” — Homer Simpson
"Even bad coffee is better than no coffee at all." — David Lynch
“I probably wouldn’t kill so many houseplants if they could scream for food and water the way my pets and children do.”
— Anonymous
“Money isn’t the most important thing in life, but it’s reasonably close to oxygen on the “gotta have it” scale." ~Zig Ziglar
“Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.”
—P.J. O’Rourke
“Going to work for a large company is like getting on a train. Are you going sixty miles an hour or is the train going sixty miles an hour and you’re just sitting still?"
~ J. Paul Getty
“Ah, summer, what power you have to make us suffer and like it.”
-Russell Baker
"A good marriage is where each partner secretly suspects they got the better deal." - Anonymous
"Remember, the second most important thing to choosing the right shoe is choosing the left one."
Unknown
“When a man tells you that he got rich through hard work, ask him: ‘Whose?'” — Don Marquis
"My routine is to ride that snooze button as far as it will take me, take a quick shower, get dressed in the dark and bolt out the door."
— Willie Geist
“Everyone wants me to be a morning person. I could be one, only if morning began after noon.”
— Tony Smite
"If it weren't for the fact that the TV set and the refrigeratir are so far apart, some of us wouldn't get any exercise at all"- Joey Adams
“To be stupid, selfish, and have good health are three requirements for happiness, though if stupidity is lacking, all is lost.”
- Gustave Flaubert
"Slow runners make fast runners look good. Thank you."
From the back of a T-shirt
“There is no worse parent than an unhappy parent!”
― Rossana Condoleo
“Be a pineapple: stand tall, wear a crown, and be sweet on the inside.”
“If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.” — Woody Allen
"There is a very easy way to return from a casino with a small fortune: go there with a large one." ~ Jack Yelton
“The greatest lesson in life is to know that even fools are right sometimes.”
– Winston S. Churchill
I feel so miserable without you, it’s almost like having you here."
- Stephen Bishop
“I love road trips. You get into this Zen rhythm; throw the sense of time out the window.”
– Miriam Toews
"It's rude to count people as you pass them. Out loud."
From an Adidas ad
Housework is for people who don’t know how to garden.”
— Anonymous
"Food is an important part of a balanced diet." —Fran Lebowitz
“I’ve noticed that one thing about parents is that no matter what stage your child is in, the parents who have older children always tell you the next stage is worse.”
- Dave Barry.
Bill Murray
“Do you ever get halfway through eating a horse and go ‘you know, I’m not as hungry as thought I was’?”
“There is nothing safer than flying, it’s crashing that is dangerous.”
- Theo Cowan
“I really regret going to a Yoga class today… said no one ever.” — Unknown
“If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it." ~Author Unknown
“My dog is a half pit bull, half poodle. Not much of a watchdog, but a vicious gossip!”
- Craig Shoemaker.
“Best Friend: One million memories, ten thousand inside jokes, one hundred shared secrets.”
— Unknown
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me... they're cramming for their final exam. -- George Carlin
“Unless you are a pizza, the answer is yes, I can live without you.”
― Bill Murray
“The secret to a long marriage is to stay gone.” - Dolly Parton
I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.
David Lee Roth
“Candy is nature’s way of making up for Mondays.”
— Rebecca Gober
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