A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, "At my age, I don't even buy green bananas."
Claude Pepper
“Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can’t sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can’t sleep with the window open.”—George Bernard Shaw
"When reality and dreams collide, typically it’s just your alarm clock going off.”
— Crystal Woods
"My own prescription for health is less paperwork and more running barefoot through the grass." - Leslie Grimutter
“A messy house is a must—it separates your true friends from other friends. Real friends are there to visit you not your house!”
— Jennifer Wilson
“It’s a sure sign of summer if the chair gets up when you do.”
-Walter Winchell
“It’s money. I remember it from when I was single.” – Billy Crystal
“Intaxication: That nice feeling you get when you receive a tax refund until you realize it was your own money in the first place.”
"In the family sandwich, the older people and the younger ones can recognize one another as the bread. Those in the middle are, for a time, the meat." - Anna Quindlen
“The great advantage of living in a large family is that early lesson of life’s essential unfairness.”
- Nancy Mitford
“I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.”
- Erma Bombeck
"Sometimes you just need to lie on the couch and read for a couple of years."
"It sounds plausible enough tonight, but wait until tomorrow. Wait for the common sense of the morning."
— H.G. Wells
“Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings.”
Robert Benchley
“Size isn’t everything. The whale is endangered, while the ant continues to do just fine.”
- Bill Vaughan.
“A yawn is a silent scream for coffee…”
– Unknown
“If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn’t sit for a month.”
Theodore Roosevelt
Those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind.
Bernard M. Baruch
“Tis the privilege of friendship to talk nonsense, and to have her nonsense respected.”
— Charles Lamb
“Being a mom means kids banging on the bathroom door like SWAT, asking for a drink, while you’re in the shower. And Dad is in the kitchen.” – @SarcasticMommy4
"Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight." – Phyllis Diller
"Don't let aging get you down. It's too hard to get back up." - John Wagner
"Worried about an IRS audit? Avoid what's called a red flag. That's something the IRS always looks for. For example, say you have some money left in your bank account after paying taxes. That's a red flag."
― Jay Leno
"My wife is really sentimental. One Valentine’s Day I gave her a ring and to this day she has never forgotten those three little words that were engraved inside — Made in Taiwan."
- Leopold Fechner.
“When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.” —Prince Philip
“Always remember, a cat looks down on man, a dog looks up to man, but a pig will look man right in the eye and see his equal.”
- Sir Winston Churchill.
Woddy Allen
Honolulu – it’s got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife’s mother.
"Camping is a humanitarian effort to help feed hungry mosquitoes."
- Melanie White
“We’re having something different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, we’re having a swan. You get more stuffing.” —George Carlin
"If you want your children to turn out well, spend twice as much time with them and half as much money."
– Abigail Van Buren
“If you have friends who are as weird as you, then you have everything.”
— Unknown
"Jogging is very beneficial. It's good for your legs and your feet. It's also very good for the ground. It makes it feel needed."
Charles Schulz
“My son is now an ‘entrepreneur.’ That’s what you’re called when you don’t have a job.” – Ted Turner
Stuart Turner“
“I tell you what always catches my eye. Short people with an umbrella.”
Jonathan Swift
If at first you don’t succeed . . . so much for skydiving.
"One of the many things nobody ever tells you about middle age is that it’s such a nice change from being young." – Dorothy Canfield Fisher
"The taxpayer: that's someone who works for the federal government, but doesn't have to take a civil service examination."
- Ronald Reagan
"Thanks to modern medical advances such as antibiotics, nasal spray, and Diet Coke, it has become routine for people in the civilized world to pass the age of 40, sometimes more than once." - Dave Barry
"Men make use of their illnesses at least as much as they are made use of by them." - Aldous Huxley
"When future archaeologists dig up the remains of California, they're going to find all of those gyms, their scary-looking gym equipment, and they're going to assume that we were a culture obsessed with torture."
- Douglas Coupland
"I love you more than coffee but not always before coffee." - Unknown
“Never let an angry sister comb your hair.”
- Patricia McCann
“I tried yoga once but took off for the mall halfway through class, as I had a sudden craving for a soft pretzel and world peace.” – Terri Guillemets
“My mother’s menu consisted of two choices: Take it or leave it.” – Buddy Hackett
"A person doesn't know how much he has to be thankful for until he has to pay taxes on it."
- Ann Landers
"Life expectancy would grow by leaps and bounds if green vegetables smelled as good as bacon."
— Doug Larson
“Luckily, today has been canceled. Go back to bed.”
– Unknown
“Parenthood…it’s about guiding the next generation and forgiving the last.”
- Peter Krause.
"I didn’t get old on purpose, it just happened. If you’re lucky, it could happen to you." – Andy Ronney
Bill Murray
“Do you ever get halfway through eating a horse and go ‘you know, I’m not as hungry as thought I was’?”
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