“From birth to age 18, a girl needs good parents, from 18 to 35 she needs good looks, from 35 to 55 she needs a good personality, and from 55 on she needs cash.” – Sophie Tucker
"When traveling with someone, take large doses of patience and tolerance with your morning coffee."
– Helen Hayes
"Our party has been accused of fooling the public by calling tax increases 'revenue enhancement'. Not so. No one was fooled."
— Dan Quayle
“You dropped your kid off a changing table? Stuff just happens, okay? Last week, my kid ate a cigarette. I caught him playing in the dryer yesterday. I picked up the wrong baby from daycare. I found my baby swimming in the toilet. No judging.”
- 'What To Expect When You Are Expecting'.
“Any man who can drive safely while kissing a pretty girl is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves.”
— Albert Einstein
"Motherhood – when 90% of your time is spent putting other people’s crap away." — Anonymous
Steve Martin
The last woman I was in was the Statue of Liberty.
“Lots of people talk to animals... Not very many listen though... that's the problem.”
― A.A. Milne.
“When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.”—Erma Bombeck
“Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.” – Thomas Edison
“You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.”
George Burns
Robin Williams
Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.
"If cigarette taxes are meant to discourage smoking, wouldn’t income taxes discourage working?"
“In honor of Hanukkah falling on Thanksgiving, I am going to spend dinner feeling guilty about everything I have to be thankful for.” — Conan O’Brien
“Mondays are a lot like getting fat. They make you feel sad, sometimes angry and there is not much scope for liking either fat or Mondays for any reason.”
– Garry Moll
“I think being a good father is keeping the mother happy so she doesn’t drive the kids crazy.”
- James, ‘Look Who’s Talking.’
"The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for." - Will Rogers
“When I’m under stress, I do yoga. It’s when I’m happiest that I have a problem with junk food.” — Britney Spears
"You may marry the man of your dreams, ladies, but fourteen years later you’re married to a couch that burps." - Roseanne Barr
"I always thought a yard was three feet, then I started mowing the lawn."
- C.E. Cowman
“12 weeks old: when your kid is young enough to fall asleep on your chest, yet long enough to kick you in the nuts at the same time.” – Lin-Manuel Miranda
"If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a million times: Don’t exaggerate!"
Anonymous
“It’s a funny feeling to work with people who you consider your colleagues and to realize that they actually are young enough to be your children."
~ Alan Alda
“A well-trained dog will make no attempt to share your lunch. He will just make you feel so guilty that you cannot enjoy it.”—Helen Thomson
“The waste of money cures itself, for soon there is no more to waste." ~M.W. Harrison
“I had to stop driving my car for a while… the tires got dizzy.”
— Stephen Wright
“I have a passion for not cooking.”
― Unknown
“Don't be so humble – you are not that great.”
Golda Meir
“Unfortunately, I did not become a millionaire over the weekend, so I have to return to work on Monday.”
“If you pay peanuts, you get monkeys” – James Goldsmith
“I like long walks especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.”
Fred Allen
"You can live to be a hundred if you give up all things that make you want to live to be a hundred." - Woody Allen
“I’d like to publicly thank my husband [Dax Shepard] for changing half the diapers in our house. I hope he changes all of mine one day…”—Kristen Bell
“Seriousness is stupidity sent to college.”
- P. J. O’Rourke
“I don’t like Sunday nights because you have to wake up to a Monday morning.”
“Before I got married, I had six theories about raising children; now I have six children and no theories.”—John Wilmot
"I miss crawling into a man’s arm, kissing his neck, saying those three little words into his ear, 'And another thing ...'” — Felicia Michaels
“A baby changes your dinner party conversation from politics to poops.”
- Maurice Johnston.
"Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest."
- Professor Irwin Corey
“Better a witty fool than a foolish wit.”
– William Shakespeare
“A bargain is something you can’t use at a price you can’t resist.”- Franklin Jones.
“If any of you cry at my funeral I’ll never speak to you again.”
Stan Laurel
"Romantic love is a mental illness. But it’s a pleasurable one." – Fran Lebowitz
“When I was ten, my family moved to Downer’s Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them.”
- Emo Phillips.
"I prefer not to think before speaking. I like being as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth."
Anonymous
“There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.”
Henry Kissinger
“Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair.”
– George Burns
"Life expectancy would grow by leaps and bounds if green vegetables smelled as good as bacon."
— Doug Larson
“I have to excercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing."- Marsha Doble.
“If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee.”
Abraham Lincoln
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