“Hope my relatives are getting along with the professional line sitter I hired to hold my place at the front of the Thanksgiving food line.” —John Lyon
“People who work sitting down get paid more than people who work standing up.” – Ogden Nash
"Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive."
― Elbert Hubbard
"Grandchildren don’t make a man feel old, it’s the knowledge that he’s married to a grandmother that does." - J. Norman Collie
"My mom used to say it doesn’t matter how many kids you have… because one kid will take up 100% of your time so more kids can’t possibly take up more than 100% of your time." - Karen Brown
"Half the modern drugs could well be thrown out the window, except that the birds might eat them." - Martin H. Fischer
“Climbing to the top of the mountain is fun, but everything is just downhill from there.”
"Men do not quit playing because they grow old—they grow old because they quit playing." - Oliver Wendell Holmes
“Winter is nature’s way of saying, ‘Up yours.’”
“The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is because they have a common enemy.” - Anonymous
“In the family sandwich, the older people and the younger ones can recognize one another as the bread. Those in the middle are, for a time, the meat.”
- Anna Quindlen
“Babies: cry all flight long. Fall asleep during landing.”
“Sunday morning my head is bad. But it's worth all the time I had. But I've got to go and get some rest. For Monday is a mess!”
– Dave Bartholomew, Blue Monday
"My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don't really know me." Garry Shandling
“Money isn’t everything, but it’s a long way ahead of what comes next.” - Edmund Stockdale
“Life is like pocket money. You shouldn't spend it all in one place.”
― Julian Talbot
“Monday, you're so jealous of my relationship with Sunday because I am so happy to see you leave!”
“Creativity is allowing yourself to make mistakes. Art is knowing which ones to keep.” – Scott Adams
"I love you in a way that's nauseating to others."
- Unknown
Fame changes a lot of things, but it can't change a light bulb.
Gilda Radner
“Yoga. Because punching people is frowned upon.” — Anonymous
“Money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy beer." ~ Gary Reilly
“If you start drinking now, Thanksgiving could be a lot of fun.” — Conan O’Brien
"I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits. he other two are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves"
“If Patrick Henry thought that taxation without representation was bad, he should see how bad it is with representation.”
– Farmer’s Almanac
“A stupid man’s report of what a clever man says can never be accurate because he unconsciously translates what he hears into something he can understand.”
- Bertrand Russell
"Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood."
— Bill Murray
“The only exercise I’ve done this month is running out of money"
“In olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar, a practice which is still very much practiced.” —Helen Rowland
“If you need me, I’ll be inside until April.”
“Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread, and pumpkin pie.” —Jim Davis
"If you can stay in love for more than two years, you're on something." — Fran Lebowitz
“A best friend is someone who, when they don’t understand, they still understand."
— Nancy Werlin
“Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and give her a house.” —Rod Stewart
"I love you with all my belly. I would say my heart, but my belly is bigger." - Unknown
"Fitness: If it came in a bottle, everyone would have a great body."
- Cher.
"Avoid any diet that discourages the use of hot fudge"- Don Kardong
“Winter blues are cured every time with a potato gratin paired with a roast chicken.”
– Alexandra Guarnaschelli
“Saw a chameleon today so I'm assuming it wasn't a very good one." - Unknown Author
“Always get married in the morning. That way if it doesn’t work out, you haven’t wasted the whole day.”—Mickey Rooney
“You know the trouble with real life? There’s no danger music.”
Jim Carrey
"Don’t believe everything you think."
Anonymous
“Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet service to see who they really are.” —Will Ferrell
“The advantage of having only one child is that you always know who did it.”
- Erma Bombeck.
"Remember, beneath every cynic there lies a romantic, and probably an injured one." — Benjamin Franklin
"If I’d known I was going to live this long, I’d have taken better care of myself." - Anonymous
“When it snows you have two choices. Shovel or snow angels.”
“As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.”
Buddy Hackett
"In the family sandwich, the older people and the younger ones can recognize one another as the bread. Those in the middle are, for a time, the meat." - Anna Quindlen
"I hate mornings, they start so early."
— Janet Evanovich
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