“In spring we are on Earth; in summer we are on Earth; in autumn we are on Earth, but in winter we are in another planet; winter is another planet!” — Mehmet Murat ildan
“Americans will put up with anything provided it doesn’t block traffic.”
– Dan Rather
“Have you ever noticed how parents can go from the most wonderful people in the world to totally embarrassing in three seconds?”—Rick Riordan, The Red Pyramid
“I now pronounce you man and wife. You may now change your Facebook status.”—Anonymous
"The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has limits."
Anonymous
“A lady’s imagination is very rapid; it jumps from admiration to love, from love to matrimony in a moment.” - Jane Austen, 'Pride and Prejudice'
“A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows you are slightly cracked.”
— Bernard Meltzer
“The U.S. Senate is considering a bill that would tax Botox. When Botox users heard this, they were horrified. Well, I think they were horrified. It’s difficult to tell.”
— Craig Ferguson
“The archer will walk up to you, give you a hearty slap on the back and a wide, friendly grin. Then he’ll greet you with a remark like, ‘How the heck do you manage to look so young when you’re as old as you are?'”
— Linda Goodman
“Running a marathon takes balls, other sports just play with them.” – Unknown
“So. Monday. We meet again. We will never be friends—but maybe we can move past our mutual enmity toward a more-positive partnership.”
— Julio Alexi Genao
"I’ve done the calculation and your chances of winning the lottery are identical whether you play or not." ~ Fran Lebowitz
“When people ask me if I have any spare change, I tell them I have it at home in my spare wallet.”-Nick Arnette
“I didn’t get this physique by not eating tacos.”
― Jon Tester
“My friends and family always thought I was pretty funny, but I don’t know if they thought I was get-my-own-show funny.”
- Nick Kroll
“You know you are getting old when the candles on your birthday cake start to cost more than the cake itself.”
― Unknown
"The difference between death and taxes is death doesn't get worse every time Congress meets."
- Will Rogers
“You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.” —Franklin P. Adams
“L.A. is so celebrity-conscious, there’s a restaurant that only serves Jack Nicholson — and when he shows up, they tell him there’ll be a ten-minute wait.”
Bill Maher
“Sunshine and happiness go together like fish and chips!”
― Catherine Pulsifer
“If you start drinking now, Thanksgiving could be a lot of fun.” — Conan O’Brien
“Namastay 6 feet away.” – Unknown
“Mountains have a way of dealing with overconfidence.” – Hermann Buhl
“Scratch a dog and you’ll find a permanent job.”
- Franklin P. Jones.
"If I’d known I was going to live this long, I’d have taken better care of myself." - Anonymous
"You call it chaos. We call it a family vacation."
“Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.”
Dale Carnegie
"Bulb: potential flower buried in Autumn, never to be seen again."
- Henry Beard
"I need summer to be longer so I have more time to do nothing"
"Parenthood is a lot easier to get into then out of." – Bruce Lansky
“Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.”
Jim Carrey
“I had to stop driving my car for a while… the tires got dizzy.”
— Stephen Wright
"Raising kids is part joy and part guerilla warfare." - End Asner
"I don't eat lobsters, shrimp, or crawfish because I don't eat anything that looks like I should step on it."
— George Carlin
“Not telling me something because you don’t want to piss me off is probably the best way to piss me off.”
— ScorpioQuotes.com
“Every time I do something silly, it comes off really funny because it’s natural.”
- Shaquille O’Neal
“When I was ten, my family moved to Downer’s Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them.”
- Emo Phillips.
“Some people walk in the rain; others just get wet.” – Roger Miller
I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.
Lily Tomlin
“One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one’s work is terribly important.” — Bertrand Russell
"Worried about an IRS audit? Avoid what's called a red flag. That's something the IRS always looks for. For example, say you have some money left in your bank account after paying taxes. That's a red flag."
― Jay Leno
“Never make your favorite song the alarm for Monday morning; you’ll hate it for years.”
“It’s just the most amazing thing to love a dog, isn’t it? It makes our relationships with people seem as boring as a bowl of oatmeal.”—John Grogan
"There are no gardening mistakes, only experiments."
— Janet Kilburn Phillips
“Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.”
George Carlin
“Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.”
Groucho Marx
“My keyboard must be broken, I keep hitting the escape key, but I’m still at work.” — Author Unknown
I have a love interest in every one of my films: a gun.
Arnold Schwarzenegger
"An income tax form is like a laundry list - either way you lose your shirt."
- Fred Allen
Most people would like to be delivered from temptation but would like it to keep in touch. -- Robert Orben
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