“If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.” – Earl Wilson
When I was a kid, I had two friends, and they were imaginary and they would only play with each other.
Rita Rudner
“I talked to a wild group last night. I knew it the minute someone yelled ‘Louder!’ during the silent meditation. – Robert Orben”
"A weed is a plant that has mastered every survival skill except for learning how to grow in rows."
- Doug Larson
"Room service? Send up a larger room."
"My doctor recently told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already." —Milton Berle
“What’s the use of happiness? It can’t buy you money." ~ Henny Youngman
“SMONDAY: The moment when Sunday stops feeling like a Sunday and the anxiety of Monday kicks in.”
“I think there should be holy war against yoga classes.” — Werner Herzog
"A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday."
— Erma Bombeck
“If you think I’m funny now, you should see me when I miss Yoga.” — Anonymous
"The happiest marriage I can picture would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman." — Samuel Taylor Coleridge
“If you can find a path with no obstacles, it probably doesn’t lead anywhere.” – Frank A. Clark
"Work out in the morning, before your brain figures out what you’re doing."
– Unknown
"So you see, my son, there is a very fine line between love and nausea." - King Jaffe Joffer, 'Coming to America'
“Americans will put up with anything provided it doesn’t block traffic.”
– Dan Rather
"No doubt a brain and some shoes are essential for marathon success. Although if it comes down to a choice, pick the shoes. More people finish marathons with no brains than with no shoes."
Don Kardong
“I choose a lazy person to do a hard job, because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it.” — Bill Gates
“My goal in life is to be as good of a person my dog already thinks I am.” ~ Unknown
“The U.S. Senate is considering a bill that would tax Botox. When Botox users heard this, they were horrified. Well, I think they were horrified. It’s difficult to tell.”
— Craig Ferguson
"I can't make you love me, but I can fill my pantry with your favorite snacks and offer you a weekly stipend of $75." — Rob Delaney
“I chose the road less traveled and now I don’t know where I am.”
“A guy knows he’s in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days.” - Tim Allen
“To make a difference in someone’s life you don’t have to be brilliant, rich, beautiful, or perfect you just have to care enough and be there.”
— Unknown
"I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol."- Steven Write
"The politicians say 'we' can't afford a tax cut. Maybe we can't afford the politicians."
— Steve Forbes
“From the ages of eight to 18, me and my family moved around a lot. Mostly we would just stretch, but occasionally one of us would actually get up to go to the fridge.”
Jarod Kintz
“Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.”
— Anonymous
“All marriages are happy. It’s the living together afterward that causes all the trouble.” — Raymond Hull
“So far as I know, anything worth hearing is not usually uttered at seven o’clock in the morning; and if it is, it will generally be repeated at a more reasonable hour for a larger and more wakeful audience.”
— Moss Hart
Laughter is the best medicine – unless you're diabetic, then insulin comes pretty high on the list.
Jasper Carrott
"I will never break up with my gym. We just seem to workout."
- Unknown.
"A man's only as old as the woman he feels."
“It’s money. I remember it from when I was single” — Billy Crystal
“The advantage of growing up with siblings is that you become very good at fractions.”
- Robert Brault
The church is prayer-conditioned. -- Anonymous
“Your basic extended family today includes your ex-husband or ex-wife, your ex’s new mate, your new mate, possibly your new mate’s ex and any new mate that your new mate’s ex has acquired.”
- Delia Ephron
“The secret to a long marriage is to stay gone.” - Dolly Parton
“The road to success is always under construction.”
"Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician." - Anonymous
“The only thing I like better than talking about food is eating.”
— John Walters
“When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.”—Erma Bombeck
“When there’s a single thief, it’s robbery. When there are a thousand thieves, it’s taxation.”
– Vanya Cohen
“You can always tell about somebody by the way they put their hands on an animal.”
- Betty White.
“A new survey found that 80 percent of men claim they help cook Thanksgiving dinner. Which makes sense when you hear them consider saying ‘that smells good’ to be helping.” —Jimmy Fallon
“Being a mom means kids banging on the bathroom door like SWAT, asking for a drink, while you’re in the shower. And Dad is in the kitchen.” – @SarcasticMommy4
“You spend 90 percent of your adult life hoping for a long rest and the last 10 percent trying to convince the Lord that you’re actually not that tired.” – Robert Brault
“Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?”—Groucho Marx
“Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings … and lawyers.”—Richard Pryor
“When late morning rolls around and you’re feeling a bit out of sorts, don’t worry; you’re probably just a little eleven o’clockish.”
– Unknown
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