"Thirty ways to shape up for summer. Number one: eat less. Number two: exercise more. Number three: what was I talking about again? I’m so hungry"
– Maria Bamford
“A perfect parent is a person with excellent child-rearing theories and no actual children.” —Dave Barry
“Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers.”
Homer Simpson
“Thanksgiving is so called because we are all so thankful that it only comes once a year.” — P.J. O’Rourke
"A fruit is a vegetable with looks and money. Plus, if you let fruit rot, it turns into wine, something Brussels sprouts never do."
– P. J. O’Rourke
“When you are stressed you eat ice cream, cake, chocolate and sweets because stressed spelled backward is desserts.”
― Unknown
“You know you are getting old when the candles on your birthday cake start to cost more than the cake itself.”
― Unknown
“Grandmas don’t just say “that’s nice”—they reel back and roll their eyes and throw up their hands and smile. You get your money’s worth out of grandmas.”—Unknown
“Family love is messy, clinging, and of an annoying and repetitive pattern…like bad wallpaper.”
- Friedrich Nietzsche.
"A Scorpio will carry his grudge into the afterlife if necessary to get his revenge."
— Everett A. Blackman
“The only clubs I’m interested in are sandwiches.”
― Unknown
"I'm so conflicted when my husband does the laundry. On one hand, he did the laundry. On the other, my clothes can now be sold at Gap Kids." - Molly McNearney
"Quit worrying about your health. It'll go away." —Robert Orben
“Make yourself look really stupid so you don’t feel bad doing something a little stupid.”
- Mark Hoppus
"Yoga class helps me calm down from the agonizing stress of trying to get to yoga class on time."
– Sadhguru
“People say money is not the key to happiness, but I have always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.”—Joan Rivers
"Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough"
"If the poor overweight jogger only knew how far he had to run to work off the calories in a crust of bread he might find it better in terms of pound per mile to go to a massage parlor."
- Christiaan Barnard
“It’s like you trade the virility of the body for the agility of the spirit.” – Elizabeth Lesser
“I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?”—Jean Illsley Clarke
“The only thing that kids wear out faster than shoes is their parents.”
- John J. Plomp.
“There’s no need for a piece of sculpture in a home that has a cat.”
- Wesley Bates.
"Everyone’s a little bit crazy and a little bit loud. But everyone’s sharing a generous amount of love."
"You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred." —Woody Allen
I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
Rodney Dangerfield
“There were times my pants were so thin I could sit on a dime and tell if it was heads or tails.” -Spencer Tracy quotes
“You’re not truly a parent until you’ve yelled at your kid for drinking fluid on a road trip because now they have to pee again.”
— Abe Yospe
You know you’re getting old when you stop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.
George Burns
“If you don’t annoy your big sister for no good reason from time to time, she thinks you don’t love her anymore.”—Pearl Cleage
“You can’t make everyone happy. You’re not pizza.”
― Unknown
“You are as helpful as a blister on a hike.”
“The most affectionate creature in the world is a wet dog.”
- Ambrose Bierce.
“My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60. Now he’s 97 years old and we have no clue where he is.”
“We live by the Golden Rule. Those who have the gold make the rules." ~Buzzie Bavasi
"Stop worrying about the potholes in the road and enjoy the journey."
– Babs Hoffman
"I have a rock garden. Last week three of them died."
- Richard Diran
"Drive slow and enjoy the scenery - drive fast and join the scenery."
- Douglas Horton
“In honor of Hanukkah falling on Thanksgiving, I am going to spend dinner feeling guilty about everything I have to be thankful for.” — Conan O’Brien
“Money’s only something you need in case you don’t die tomorrow." ~ Martin Sheen
"Taurus won't forget it. Taurus doesn't forget anything."
— Linda Goodman
"After about 15 years I finally figured out that she's always right. So surprisingly we just stopped fighting after that." —Barack Obama
If I don’t make it to heaven, at least I know what hell feels like with this heat!”
― April Mae Monterrosa
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes. Jim Carrey
"My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don't really know me." Garry Shandling
“Summer bachelors like summer breezes, are never as cool as they pretend to be.”
– Nora Ephron
“No animal should ever jump up on the dining-room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation."
- Fran Lebowitz
"Life is short. Running makes it seem longer."
Baron Hansen
"Parenting is basically just listening to yourself talk because nobody else is." - Unknown
“Tomorrow is Thanksgiving! It’s the day you forget about all the fighting and division in the world and just focus on all the fighting and division in your family.” — Jimmy Fallon
“To my mind, the only possible pet is a cow. Cows love you… They will listen to your problems and never ask a thing in return. They will be your friends forever. And when you get tired of them, you can kill and eat them. Perfect.”
Bill Bryson
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