“Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”
– George Carlin
“I don’t like Sunday nights because you have to wake up to a Monday morning.”
When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, 'Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe? -- Quentin Crisp
“My father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic.”—Spike Milligan
“The only reason I made a commercial for American Express was to pay for my American Express bill.” Peter Ustinov.
“No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.” – @simoncholland
"Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint." —Mark Twain
“When you’re in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, ‘D***, that was fun.'”
— Groucho Marx
To succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone and a funny bone.
Reba McEntire
“After Monday and Tuesday, even the calendar says WTF.” — Anonymous
“I love cleaning up messes I didn’t make. So I became a Mom.” – Unknown
"Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I spin around and pin the guy's arm behind his back. Now who's asking the questions?" — Jack Handy
"Room service? Send up a larger room."
“We’re having something different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, we’re having a swan. You get more stuffing.” —George Carlin
“People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.”
- A. A. Milne
"If only one could tell true love from false love as one can tell mushrooms from toadstools."
- Katherine Mansfield
"Love is an exploding cigar we willingly smoke." - Lynda Barry
“Old age isn’t so bad when you consider the alternative.” – Maurice Chevalier
“You are in control. Never allow your Monday to be manic.”
— Andrea L’Artiste
"Children are a great comfort in your old age, and they help you reach it faster, too." – Lionel Kauffman
“Our perfect companions never have fewer than four feet.”
- Colette.
“Old age is an excellent time for outrage. My goal is to say or do at least one outrageous thing every week.” - Maggie Kuhn
“Parenting Tip: If your child is crying, hold it close and whisper, 'You don’t have a clue what horrors this world holds.'”
- Rob Delaney.
“People who say they sleep like a baby usually don’t have one.”
- Leo Burke.
"There are good ships
and wood ships
and ships that sail the sea.
But the best ships
are friendships
and may they always be."
“If you think money doesn’t grow on trees, you ain’t checking every limb.” – Chamillionaire
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
Abraham Lincoln
“God put me on this Earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now, I am so far behind I will never die."
~ Bill Watterson
“You’re always with yourself, so you might as well enjoy the company.”
– Diane Von Furstenberg
I feel so miserable without you, it’s almost like having you here."
- Stephen Bishop
"You know, gentlemen, that I do not owe any personal income tax. But nevertheless, I send a small check, now and then, to the Internal Revenue Service out of the kindness of my heart."
— David Rockefeller
“What do dogs do on their day off? Can’t lie around – that’s their job.”
- George Carlin.
“I don’t like to commit myself about heaven and hell — you see, I have friends in both places."
— Mark Twain
“Ah, summer, what power you have to make us suffer and like it.”
-Russell Baker
“Insanity is hereditary; you get it from your children.”
- Sam Levenson
“I’m so naive about finances. Once my mother mentioned an amount and I realized I didn’t understand, she had to explain, ‘That’s like three Mercedes.’ Then I understood.” – Brooke Shields
“If women didn’t exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning." ~Aristotle Onassis
“If owl parties aren't called hootenannies, this world will never make sense again."
- Reverend Badger
"Money doesn’t change you. It reveals who you are when you no longer have to be nice." ~ Tim Ferriss
“In olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar, a practice which is still very much practiced.” —Helen Rowland
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship." ― Sharon Stone
“I’m not for everyone. I’m barely for me.”
Marc Maron
"I love my husband, but no matter where we are, I make him sleep closest to the door so if anything happens, he gets murdered first." — Jessica Valenti
“Whenever I travel with my 4 young kids I always forget something. Like how stupid it is to travel with 4 young kids.”
– Jim Gaffigan
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile. -- Billy Sunday
Funny Inspirational and Motivational Quotes
“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing – that’s why we recommend it daily.”
Zig Ziglar
"The British soldier can stand up to anything except the British War Office."
~ George Bernard Shaw
“Self-love seems so often unrequited.”
– Anthony Powell
“A lot of people like snow. I find it to be an unnecessary freezing of water.”
– Carl Reiner
“Sorry for what I said before I yoga-ed.” – Unknown
Go to BabaMail
