“A hen is just an egg’s way of making another egg.”
- Weird Science.
"Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest."
- Professor Irwin Corey
"The term “tax humor” is no doubt an oxymoron to many people; to the more cynical, it is an apt description of the entire tax code."
— John F. Lekel
"I want to live in the world where searching for plane tickets burns calories."
“You are one yoga class away from a good mood.” – Unknown
“There should be a rule against people trying to be funny before the sun comes up.”
– Kristen Chandler
“Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers.” — Homer Simpson
“A dog desires affection more than its dinner. Well—almost.”—Charlotte Gray
“We interrupt your happiness to bring you Mondays. Don’t worry, you’re regularly scheduled happiness will resume again on Friday.”
“This crisp winter air is full of it.” – John Burroughs
“I’m so naive about finances. Once my mother mentioned an amount and I realized I didn’t understand, she had to explain, ‘That’s like three Mercedes.’ Then I understood.” – Brooke Shields
“Once you sign on to be a mother, 24/7 is the only shift they offer.”
- Jodi Picoult.
"Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing."
- Natasha Leggero
“Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died."
~ Erma Bombeck
"He was happily married - but his wife wasn't."
- Victor Borge
"There are three stages of man: he believes in Santa Claus, he does not believe in Santa Claus, he is Santa Claus." - Bob Phillips
“After a good dinner, one can forgive anybody, even one’s own relations.” —Oscar Wilde
“Lots of people talk to animals... Not very many listen though... that's the problem.”
― A.A. Milne.
“Parents of newborn babies are basically hostages in their own house with a severe case of Stockholm Syndrome.”
- Nate Smith.
Don’t be distracted by criticism. Remember, the only taste of success some people get is to take a bite out of you.” – Zig Ziglar
"Money without brains is always dangerous." ~ Napoleon Hill
"A vacation frequently means that the family goes away for a rest, accompanied by a mother who sees that the others get it."
— Marcelene Cox
"Sometimes I get the feeling the aspirin companies are sponsoring my headaches." - V.L. Allineare
“A party without a cake is really just a meeting.”
― Julia Child
“Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.”
Thomas A. Edison
“Marriage is the bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them.”—Ogden Nash
“The worst moment today has happened. That was when the alarm went off and I realized it was Monday.”
“If all the economists were laid end to end, they’d never reach a conclusion." ~George Bernard Shaw
“Self-love seems so often unrequited.”
– Anthony Powell
“Hear no evil, see no evil, and speak no evil—and you’ll never get a job working for a tabloid.” – Phil Pastoreta consultant.” – Scott Adams
“The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.”—George Carlin
“A man’s womenfolk, whatever their outward show of respect for his merit and authority, always regard him secretly as an ass, and with something akin to pity.”
- H. L. Mencken.
"Worried about an IRS audit? Avoid what's called a red flag. That's something the IRS always looks for. For example, say you have some money left in your bank account after paying taxes. That's a red flag."
― Jay Leno
"The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs, one step at a time."
― Joe Girard
"You can’t put a price tag on love, but you can on all its accessories." — Melanie Clark
“A day without laughter is a day wasted.”
Charlie Chaplin
"The difference between tax avoidance and tax evasion is the thickness of a prison wall."
– Denis Healey
Fame changes a lot of things, but it can't change a light bulb.
Gilda Radner
"I have a rock garden. Last week three of them died."
- Richard Diran
"Why should I do anything for posterity? What has posterity ever done for me?"
“You are only young once. After that you have to think up some other excuse.” —Billy Arthur
"Your sweat is your fat crying. Keep it up."
From a runner's T-shirt
“I don’t have a lot of friends but I have the best friends because I choose quality over quantity.”
— Unknown
“We were married for better or worse. I couldn’t have done better and she couldn’t have done worse.” —Henry Youngman
"It's rude to count people as you pass them. Out loud."
From an Adidas ad
“Americans will put up with anything provided it doesn’t block traffic.”
– Dan Rather
“Here in California, we passed a law against texting while driving. But there’s no law preventing you from writing a letter while driving.”
Craig Ferguson
“What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.”
Phyllis Diller
“The only exercise I’ve done this month is running out of money"
“I choose a lazy person to do a hard job, because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it.” — Bill Gates
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