"Sometimes I get the feeling the aspirin companies are sponsoring my headaches." - V.L. Allineare
“After scolding one’s cat one looks into its face and is seized by the ugly suspicion that it understood every word. And has filed it for reference.”
- Charlotte Gray.
On Big Ben. “It’s just a big clock? I don’t understand all the hype with this clock. It is literally just a clock. It’s going to be a digital one in thirty years anyway. ”
— Montgomery Smith
“A hen is just an egg’s way of making another egg.”
- Weird Science.
“Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?”
Robin Williams
"Life would be infinitely happier if we could only be born at the age of eighty and gradually approach eighteen." - Mark Twain
"I don't remember, you looking any better... But then again, I don't remember you."
- John Mayer, 'Who Says'
"I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it."
“Never follow anyone else’s path. Unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost and you see a path. Then by all means follow that path.”
Ellen DeGeneres
“I’m tired of hearing about money, money, money, money, money. I just want to play the game, drink Pepsi, wear Reebok.” — Shaquille O’Neal
"I like long romantic walks down every aisle at Target." - Unknown
“Never let your friends be lonely…. Disturb them all the time.”
— Unknown
“You know you’re a gardener when you’re happy to devote three months of your life growing tomatoes to save $1.27.”
— Anonymous
“Being a beaver is nice, if you’re hungry you just eat a piece of your home.”
― Unknown
"We must both, I’m afraid, recognise that, as we grow older, we become like old cars – more and more repairs and replacements are necessary." - C.S. Lewis
“The learned fool writes his nonsense in better language than the unlearned, but still ‘this nonsense.”
– Benjamin Franklin
“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well neither does bathing. That’s why we recommend it daily.” – Zig Ziglar
"Motherhood – when 90% of your time is spent putting other people’s crap away." — Anonymous
“Saving is a very fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.” – Winston Churchill
"You are a smart cookie. A wise chocolate cake. A brilliant pancake.” - Rey Woodman
“I have noticed that even people who claim everything is predetermined and that we can do nothing to change it look before they cross the road.”
Stephen Hawking
"Only on a cruise shiip will you pay hundreds of dollar a day to sleep in a closet."
"The word aerobics came about when the gym instructors got together and said, 'If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it jumping up and down'" - Rita Rudner
“My relationships with my cats have saved me from a deadly, pervasive ignorance.”
- William S. Burroughs.
“No matter how calmly you try to referee, parenting will eventually produce bizarre behavior, and I’m not talking about the kids. Their behavior is always normal.”
- Bill Cosby.
“Sorry, I can’t hear you over the sound of how awesome I am.”
— Harvey Specter
“What is your favorite day of the week, and why it is your favorite day of the week? Mine is Tuesday because that means Monday is gone.”
"Remember, beneath every cynic there lies a romantic, and probably an injured one." — Benjamin Franklin
"I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty."
"If I knew I was going to live this long, I'd have taken better care of myself." —Mickey Mantle
"Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!"
Adolescence: A stage between infancy and adultery
Kevin Goldstein-Jackson
“Cut my pie into four pieces, I don’t think I could eat eight.” — Yogi Berra
“A baby changes your dinner party conversation from politics to poops.”
- Maurice Johnston.
“When it comes to taxes, there are two types of people. There are those that get it done early, also known as ‘psychopaths’, and then the rest of us.”
– Jimmy Kimmel
"I firmly believe the death tax is good for people from all walks of life all throughout our society."
— George W. Bush
“A good rule to remember for life is that when it comes to plastic surgery and sushi, never be attracted by a bargain.”
Graham Norton
“Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but not necessary to show it off.“
Bill Murray
“I bought a calming tea but the smell and taste is making me nervous.”
― Unknown
“Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt." ~ Herbert Hoover
“One of the keys to a successful marriage is separate bathrooms. When he enters my bathroom sometimes, I’m like, ‘Why are you in here?’ And he’s like, ‘I live here. Can I enjoy my bathroom too?’”—Michelle Obama
“Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.” - Phyllis Diller
“An archeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets, the more interested he is in her.”—Agatha Christie.
"In these difficult times, when so many people are having trouble finding enough to eat, we are extending the “five-second rule” to a full ten seconds."
– Ron Piraro
"I don't exercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor"- Joan Rivers
“Never take a job where winter winds can blow up your pants.”
“No, please, don’t eat me. I have a wife and kids. Eat them!” - Homer Simpson
“Family is a blessing. Just keep saying that when you are irritated by something a family member says.”
- Marcelina Hardy
“What Yoga really is… Spending an entire hour trying not to fart.”— Anonymous
“Nurse: handing me a newborn You got this? Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese” – @mommy_cusses
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