"Sometimes the appropriate response to reality is to go insane." - Philip K. Dick
"I wake up in the morning and lay in my bed waiting for my mom to prepare breakfast. And suddenly I remember that I’m the mom."
— Unknown
“Money can’t buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery." ~ Spike Milligan
How many legs does a dog have if you call the tail a leg? Four. Calling a tail a leg doesn't make it a leg.
Abraham Lincoln
“If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? Do they get smart just in time to ask questions?”
– Scott Adams
"I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks." — Steve Martin
"Like gum to a shoe, you’re stuck with me and I’m stuck with you."
"Quit worrying about your health. It'll go away." —Robert Orben
"My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes." — Emo Philips
“My relationships with my cats have saved me from a deadly, pervasive ignorance.”
- William S. Burroughs.
“Children today are tyrants. They contradict their parents, gobble their food, and tyrannize their teachers.”
Socrates
"At my age, flowers scare me." - George Burns
"I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30."
"Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician." - Anonymous
“I always give 100% at Work: 10% Monday, 23% Tuesday, 40% Wednesday, 22% Thursday, and 5% Friday.” –Anonymous
"I am allergic to stupidity, so I break out in sarcasm."
Anonymous
Oscar Wilde
A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, “At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas."
“My son is now an ‘entrepreneur.’ That’s what you’re called when you don’t have a job.” – Ted Turner
“Dear winter, I’m breaking up with you. I think it’s time I start seeing other seasons. Summer is hotter than you.”
"Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it."
Anonymous
“When I was young I thought money was the most important thing in life; now that I’m old, I know it is." ~ Oscar Wilde
“If you want to know how your girl will treat you after marriage, just listen to her talking to her little brother.” — Sam Levenson
"I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet." - Rodney Dangerfield
"Humor is reason gone mad."
“What’s worth doing is worth doing for money.” –Gordon Gekko (Michael Douglas) Wall Street
“Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.”
George Carlin
“You should always live within your income, even if you have to borrow to do so.”- Josh Billings
To succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone and a funny bone.
Reba McEntire
“I’m a Capricorn and I’m mad loyal — mad loyal! — and I will always look for the good in people.”
— Jeannie Mai
"All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt." Charles M. Schulz, creator of Peanuts
“Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.”
- Douglas Adams
“God in his wisdom made the fly, And then forgot to tell us why.”
- Ogden Nash.
"Woke up this morning with a terrific urge to lie in bed all day and read."
– Raymond Carver
“You define a good flight by negatives: you didn’t get hijacked, you didn’t crash, you didn’t throw up, you weren’t late, you weren’t nauseated by the food. So you are grateful.”
– Paul Theroux
"I don't share blame. I don't share credit. And I don't share desserts"
– Beverly Sills
“I saw a study that said speaking in front of a crowd is considered the number one fear of the average person. Number two was death. This means to the average person, if you have to be at a funeral, you would rather be in the casket than doing the eulogy.”
Jerry Seinfeld
“Old age is an excellent time for outrage. My goal is to say or do at least one outrageous thing every week.” - Maggie Kuhn
“Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.”
E. B. White
I feel so miserable without you, it’s almost like having you here."
- Stephen Bishop
"The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume control also turns to the left. - Jerry M. Wright
“I just want to be friends. Plus a little extra. Also, I love you.” - Dwight Schrute, 'The Office'
"Thirty-five is a very attractive age. London society is full of women of the very highest birth who have, of their own free choice, remained thirty-five for years." - Oscar Wilde
"The trouble with always trying to preserve the health of the body is that it is so difficult to do without destroying the health of the mind." - G.K. Chesterton
"I like long walks, especially when they're taken by people who annoy me"- Fred Allen.
“Dear winter, stop being so romantic, I’m single here.”
“Education cost money. But then again so does ignorance.” – Sir Claus Moser
"There's one good thing about snow, it makes your lawn look as nice as your neighbor's."
- Clyde Moore
“When you’re in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, ‘D***, that was fun.'”
— Groucho Marx
It would be nice to spend billions on schools and roads, but right now that money is desperately needed for political ads.
Andy Borowitz
"I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage." -Erma Bombeck
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