"There should be sympathy cards for having to go back to work after vacation."
"Alcohol may be man's worst enemy but the Bible says to love your enemy."
- Frank Sinatra
“I remember when yoga was called Twister.” – Unknown
"Jogging is for people who aren't intelligent enough to watch television."
Victoria Wood
“The safest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it in your pocket.” – Kin Hubbard
“I might look like I am listening to you, but in my mind, I am hiking.”
"Your first job is to prepare the soil. The best tool for this is your neighbor's motorized garden tiller. If your neighbor does not own a garden tiller, suggest that he buy one."
- Dave Barry
"If you can count your money, you don’t have a billion dollars." ~ J. Paul Getty
“To be clever enough to get a great deal of money, one must be stupid enough to want it.”
- George Bernard Shaw
“Red meat is not bad for you. Now, blue-green meat—that’s bad for you!”
— Tom Smothers
“Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun.”—Stephanie Ortiz
“Before marriage, a girl has to make love to a man to hold him. After marriage, she has to hold him to make love to him.” — Marilyn Monroe
“When people ask me if I have any spare change, I tell them I have it at home in my spare wallet.”-Nick Arnette
“If you pay peanuts, you get monkeys” – James Goldsmith
“What is the difference between a taxidermist and a tax collector? The taxidermist takes only your skin” –Mark Twain
“It's easy to find out who is going to become a tax collector. In the nursery, give all the kids lemons. The one who squeezes it dry is going to work for the IRS.”
Laughter is the best medicine – unless you're diabetic, then insulin comes pretty high on the list.
Jasper Carrott
“What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.”
Phyllis Diller
"Family Vacation (n.) A time for you to remember why your family never spends any time together."
"Because I always say, if you're married for 50 years, and 10 of them are horrible, you're doing really good!" —Michelle Obama
“When in doubt, yoga it out.” – Unknown
"When I feel like exercising I just lie down until the feeling goes away."
- Robert M. Hutchins.
“I have noticed that even people who claim everything is predetermined and that we can do nothing to change it look before they cross the road.”
Stephen Hawking
"I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?" - Jean Illsely Clarke
“A baseball game is twice as much fun if you’re seeing it on the company’s time.” — William C. Feather
"I’m like old wine. They don’t bring me out very often… but I’m well preserved." - Rose Kennedy
"I’m so poor I can’t pay attention." ~ Ron Kittle
“They say that love is more important, but have you ever tried to pay your bills with a hug?” – Anonymous
"Gray hair is God’s graffiti." – Bill Cosby
"Oh, here's an idea: Let's make pictures of our internal organs and give them to other people we love on Valentine's Day. That's not weird at all." - Jimmy Fallon
“I put all my money into taxes. They’re the only thing that’s sure to go up!”
“My biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the walking that I’d have to do.”
Success is like toilet paper; it only seems important when you don’t have it.
Richard Jeni
“By the time you’re 80 years old you’ve learned everything. You only have to remember it.” —George Burns
"Love may be the best driving wheel, but anger is a pretty good second."
– Steven Tyler
"A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday."
— Erma Bombeck
"Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!"
“Love is a lot like a backache; it doesn’t show up on X-Rays, but you know it’s there.” - George Burns
“If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.”
- Mark Twain.
“I have an everyday religion that works for me. Love yourself first, and everything else falls into line.”
– Lucille Ball
"I thought I was promiscuous, but it turns out I was just thorough." — Russell Brand
"Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you're probably watching the wrong channel."
You know you’re getting old when you stop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.
George Burns
"She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon."
"Accountant after reading a nursery rhyme to his child: “No, son. It wouldn't be tax deductible when Little Bo Peep loses her sheep. But I like your thinking."
"Fitness: If it came in a bottle, everyone would have a great body."
- Cher.
“Early to bed, early to rise, work like hell and fertilize!”
— Anonymous
“From birth to age 18, a girl needs good parents, from 18 to 35 she needs good looks, from 35 to 55 she needs a good personality, and from 55 on she needs cash.” – Sophie Tucker
“Even if you are on the right track, you will get run over if you just sit there.” — Will Rogers
The day I made that statement, about the inventing the internet, I was tired because I'd been up all night inventing the Camcorder.
Al Gore
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