"A weed is a plant that has mastered every survival skill except for learning how to grow in rows."
- Doug Larson
"True friends don’t judge each other. They judge other people together."
— Emilie Saint-Genis
“If you want to be sure that you never forget your wife’s birthday, just try forgetting it once.” —Aldo Cammarota
“Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life!”
“Friendship is not a big thing, it’s a million little things.”
— Unknown
“Humans are not proud of their ancestors, and rarely invite them round to dinner.”
- Douglas Adams.
"Food is an important part of a balanced diet." —Fran Lebowitz
"I asked my dad once, ‘How did you and Mum stay married for 33 years?’ And he said, ‘Well, we never wanted to get divorced at the same time.'"
- Gwyneth Paltrow
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes. Jim Carrey
“Parenting without a sense of humor is like being an accountant who sucks at math.”
- Amber Dusick.
“Finally, a Thanksgiving without a drunken uncle. Just me, my nieces and nephews and my bottle of Jack Daniels.” — Conan O’Brien
"The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume control also turns to the left. - Jerry M. Wright
"Yoga is a way of getting totally drunk – not on alcohol but on life."
- Sadhguru
“You’re making it difficult for me to be the parent I always imagined I would be." - Anonymous
“Why is Monday so far from Friday? And why is Friday so close to Monday?”
"Help me! I'm on a family vacation!"
"Some people would fall in or out of love with you if you lose or gain a few kilos."
- Mokokoma Mokhonoana
"A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand."
— Barbara Johnson
“Monday is a sloppy umbrella day, which makes everybody a little blue.”
– George Leedy
Success is like toilet paper; it only seems important when you don’t have it.
Richard Jeni
"A bad cold wouldn't be so annoying if it weren't for the advice of our friends." - Kin Hubbard
“Bring a compass. It’s awkward when you have to eat your friends.”
“When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.”
Rita Rudner
“Diaper backward spells repaid. Think about it.”
- Marshall McLuhan.
"Let's have a moment of silence for all those Americans who are stuck in traffic on their way to the gym to ride the stationary bicycle."
- Earl Blumenauer.
“Gardeners know the best dirt.”
— Anonymous
"Nobody expects to trust his body much after the age of fifty." - Alexander Hamilton
"Show me a man who is a good loser and I’ll show you a man who is playing golf with his boss."
~ Jim Murray
“Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won’t be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.” -Henny Youngman
“A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.” – Bob Hope
“The most delightful advantage of being bald—one can hear snowflakes.”
– R. G. Daniels
“Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today." ~ Herman Wouk
“We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.” - Henry Youngman
“The inventor of cobblestones was clearly not communicating with the inventor of luggage wheels.”
“It’s a funny feeling to work with people who you consider your colleagues and to realize that they actually are young enough to be your children."
~ Alan Alda
“I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened.”
Mark Twain
"Runner's logic: I'm tired. Let me go for a run."
Unknown
“You only live once… Lick the bowl!”
― Unknown
"When did my wild oats turn to prunes and all bran?"
- Lucy Parker
Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already born?
Benny Hill
“Sagittarians are not normally sentimental; however, they can get really attached to a favorite sweater that has seen better days.”
— Therrie Rosenvald
“Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread, and pumpkin pie.” —Jim Davis
“Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.”
Miles Kington
“In Hollywood, a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.” - Rita Rudner
"The pessimist complains about the wind; the optimist expects it to change; the realist adjusts the sails."
- William Arthur Ward
“The only certainty in this life is that Monday comes for everyone. A little humor to face at the beginning of the week always goes well. How about starting Monday smiling?”
“Make yourself look really stupid so you don’t feel bad doing something a little stupid.”
- Mark Hoppus
“I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can’t get killed by a blank?”
– Milton Berle
“You can kid the world, but not your sister.”—Charlotte Gray
“One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know."
- Groucho Marx
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