“When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason, there’s a reason.” - Molly McGee
“Eating words has never given me indigestion.”
Unknown
“Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.”
—P.J. O’Rourke
A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.
Bob Hope
“The smallest snowstorm on record took place an hour ago in my back yard. It was approximately two flakes. I waited for more to fall, but that was it.”
― Richard Brautigan
"The difference between death and taxes is death doesn't get worse every time Congress meets."
- Will Rogers
“Women prefer men who have something tender about them – especially the legal kind." ~Kay Ingram
"There are good ships
and wood ships
and ships that sail the sea.
But the best ships
are friendships
and may they always be."
"I despise the lottery. There’s less chance of you becoming a millionaire than there is of getting hit by a passing asteroid." ~ Unknown
"I'm so conflicted when my husband does the laundry. On one hand, he did the laundry. On the other, my clothes can now be sold at Gap Kids." - Molly McNearney
“I am convinced digestion is the great secret to life.”
Sydney Smith
"Worried about an IRS audit? Avoid what's called a red flag. That's something the IRS always looks for. For example, say you have some money left in your bank account after paying taxes. That's a red flag."
― Jay Leno
I find that a duck’s opinion of me is heavily influenced by whether or not I have bread.
Mitch Hedberg
Will Ferell
When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did – in his sleep. Not yelling and screaming like the passengers in his car.
“People say, ‘But Betty, Facebook is a great way to connect with old friends.’ Well, at my age, if I want to connect with old friends I need a Ouija board.”
Betty White
"There is no worse tyranny than to force a man to pay for what he does not want merely because you think it would be good for him."
- Robert A. Heinlein
“A party without a cake is really just a meeting.”
― Julia Child
“Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? There’s a support group for that. It’s called everybody, and they meet at the bar.” – Drew Carey
“Once when I was golfing in Georgia, I hooked the ball into the swamp. I went in after it and found an alligator wearing a shirt with a picture of a little golfer on it.”
- Buddy Hackett.
Steven Wright
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
“Anorexia is a disease not a fashion statement.”
Brooke
"A good marriage is like a casserole: Only those responsible for it really know what goes in it." - Unknown
"I have been to almost as many places as my luggage."
“I tried every diet that was in the book, I tried some that weren’t in the book. I tried eating the book. It tasted better than most of the diets.”
Dolly Parton
“This crisp winter air is full of it.” – John Burroughs
“Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across the country join together to raise America’s obesity statistics.” —Stephen Colbert
“Undermine the entire economic structure of society by leaving the pay toilet door ajar so the next person can get in free.” - Taylor Meade
“Marrying a man is like buying something you’ve been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn’t always go with everything else in the house.” —Jean Kerr
“I’m glad it’s finally hot enough to complain about how hot it is.”
“Money can’t buy happiness. But it can buy plants, and that’s the same thing.”
— Anonymous
“You know your life has changed when going to the grocery store by yourself is a vacation.” - Anonymous
“Unless you are a pizza, the answer is yes, I can live without you.”
― Bill Murray
"Age is something that doesn’t matter, unless you are a cheese." – Billie Burke
"A weed is a plant that has mastered every survival skill except for learning how to grow in rows."
- Doug Larson
"The capacity for friendship is God’s way of apologizing for our families."
— Jay McInerney
“My mind says ‘abs’ but my heart says ‘cheese fries’.”
― Unknown
"The only b.s I need is bikini and sandals"
“You dropped your kid off a changing table? Stuff just happens, okay? Last week, my kid ate a cigarette. I caught him playing in the dryer yesterday. I picked up the wrong baby from daycare. I found my baby swimming in the toilet. No judging.”
- 'What To Expect When You Are Expecting'.
"I always thought a yard was three feet, then I started mowing the lawn."
- C.E. Cowman
"I go to the gym three days a week. You have to or else - I don't want to be the guy that dies shoveling snow."
- Douglas Coupland
"My idea of camping is falling asleep on the couch with the window open."
- Clarke Kant
"I’m at that age where my back goes out more than I do." - Phyllis Diller
"If it weren't for the fact that the TV set and the refrigeratir are so far apart, some of us wouldn't get any exercise at all"- Joey Adams
“Family ties mean that no matter how much you might want to run from your family, you can’t.”—Unknown
"Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him."
“There’s no such thing as bad weather, just soft people.”
– Bill Bowerman
“Your typical six-year-old is a paradoxical little person.”
- Louise Bates Ames.
“Insanity is hereditary; you get it from your children.”
- Sam Levenson
“Find a job you like and you add five days to every week."
~ H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
"The safe way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it in your pocket." ~ Kin Hubbard
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