I don’t think my wife likes me very much, when I had a heart attack she wrote for an ambulance.
Frank Carson
"Gardening requires lots of water - most of it in the form of perspiration."
- Lou Erickson
“If I could be half the person my dog is, I’d be twice the human I am.”—Charles Yu
“I’d like to publicly thank my husband [Dax Shepard] for changing half the diapers in our house. I hope he changes all of mine one day…”—Kristen Bell
“Hiking is just walking where it’s okay to pee.” – Demetri Martin
“They laugh at me because I’m different: I laugh at them because they’re all the same.”
“If you love ’em in the morning with their eyes full of crust; if you love ’em at night with their hair full of rollers, chances are, you’re in love.” - Miles Davis
“If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.” — Woody Allen
“I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.”
Noel Coward
“Hello, Monday! May I ask you a question? Why are you always back so quickly? Don’t you have a hobby?”
"A stupid person laughs three times at a joke; once when everyone else is laughing, a second time when he actually gets the joke, and a third time when he realizes he was laughing without getting the joke at first."
“If I’m not back in five minutes, just wait longer.”
Ace Ventura (Jim Carrey)
“A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows you are slightly cracked.”
— Bernard Meltzer
"Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?"
If there were no God, there would be no atheists. -- G. K. Chesterton
“I have just returned from a children’s party. I’m one of the survivors.”
- Percy French.
“Animals may be our friends, but they won’t pick you up at the airport."
- Bobcat Goldthwait
“Anybody who doesn’t know what soap tastes like never washed a dog.”
- Franklin P. Jones.
"I'm not sure what makes pepperoni so good if it's the pepper or the oni."
— Ulrik Stephens
“Family love is messy, clinging, and of an annoying and repetitive pattern…like bad wallpaper.”
- Friedrich Nietzsche.
"Finland has produced so many brilliant distance runners because back home it costs $2.50 a gallon for gas."
Esa Tikkannen
I have wondered at times what the Ten Commandments would have looked like if Moses had run them through the U.S. Congress. -- Ronald Reagan
"I’m too busy working on my own grass to notice if yours is greener."
“People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day!” — Anonymous
"Grandchildren don’t make a man feel old, it’s the knowledge that he’s married to a grandmother that does." - J. Norman Collie
“Last Thanksgiving, I shot my own turkey. It was fun. That shotgun going, blam! Everybody at the supermarket just staring. Why track them when I know where they are?” —Kenny Rogerson
"It wasn't love at first sight. It took a full five minutes." Lucille Ball
"The cow is of the bovine ilk: One end is moo, the other, milk."
- Ogden Nash
"When I tell my kids I'll do something in a minute, what I'm really saying is "Please forget." - @SarcasticMommy4
"I’ve done the calculation and your chances of winning the lottery are identical whether you play or not." ~ Fran Lebowitz
“Is it snowing where you are? All the world that I see from my tower is draped in white and the flakes are coming down as big as pop-corns.” — Jean Webster
“Sorry, I can’t hear you over the sound of how awesome I am.”
— Harvey Specter
“I like long walks especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.”
Fred Allen
“I chose the road less traveled and now I don’t know where I am.”
"If you run 100 miles a week, you can eat anything you want. Why? Because (a) you'll burn all the calories you consume, (b) you deserve it, and (c) you'll be injured soon and back on a restricted diet anyway."
Don Kardong
“Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?”
– Robin Williams
"Thirty-five is a very attractive age. London society is full of women of the very highest birth who have, of their own free choice, remained thirty-five for years." - Oscar Wilde
"Staying in bed all day is my way of saving money." ~ Anonymous
“When it snows you have two choices. Shovel or snow angels.”
“All I ask is the chance to prove that money can’t make me happy.” Spike Milligan.
“It just occurred to me that the majority of my diet is made up of the foods that my kid didn’t finish.”
Carrie Underwood
"Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened." - Jennifer Yane
“I am a friend of the workingman, and I would rather be his friend, than be one.” — Clarence Darrow.
“I tried yoga once but took off for the mall halfway through class, as I had a sudden craving for a soft pretzel and world peace.” – Terri Guillemets
“Money is something you have to make in case you don’t die.” Max Asnas.
“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well neither does bathing. That’s why we recommend it daily.” – Zig Ziglar
"I love those days when my only decision is whether to go to the beach in the morning or in the afternoon."
“Money and women. They’re two of the strongest things in the world. The things you do for a woman you wouldn’t do for anything else. Same with money.” — Satchel Paige
“Someone should enact a holiday that honors all people who turn up for work on Mondays.”
"Love is an ocean of emotions entirely surrounded by expenses."
- Thomas Dewar
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