“How many God-fearing, tax-paying, law-abiding men in Las Vegas does it take to light a bonfire? Both of them.”
“The closest to perfection a person ever comes is when he fills out a job application form.” — Stanley J. Randall
"The average, healthy, well-adjusted adult gets up at seven-thirty in the morning feeling just plain terrible."
— Jean Kerr
"Sometimes I wonder how you put up with me, but then I remember I put up with you, so we're even." - Unknown
"I thought I was promiscuous, but it turns out I was just thorough." — Russell Brand
"The trouble with always trying to preserve the health of the body is that it is so difficult to do without destroying the health of the mind." - G.K. Chesterton
“I thought about losing weight once, but I don’t like losing.”
― Unknown
“Yoga class helps me calm down from the agonizing stress of trying to get to yoga class on time.” — Unknown
“Like all parents, my husband and I just do the best we can, and hold our breath, and hope we’ve set aside enough money to pay for our kids’ therapy.”
—Michelle Pfeiffer
"The first 40 years of parenthood are always the hardest." – Unknown
"The best way to garden is to put on a wide-brimmed straw hat and some old clothes. And with a hoe in one hand and a cold drink in the other, tell somebody else where to dig."
- Texas Bix Bender, Don't Throw in the Trowel
"I can tell by your sarcastic undertones, rude comments, and sheer lack of common decency that we should be best friends."
— Unknown
A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.
Bob Hope
"Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?"
“The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.”
— George Carlin
"Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your retirement home."- Phyllis Diller
“I think the family is the place where the most ridiculous and least respectable things in the world go on.”
- Ugo Betti
"Every morning is good; it’s not his fault that someone didn’t sleep well."
– Unknown
"Accountant after reading a nursery rhyme to his child: “No, son. It wouldn't be tax deductible when Little Bo Peep loses her sheep. But I like your thinking."
"The bravest thing that men do is love women." — Mort Sahl
"To cease smoking is the easiest thing I ever did. I ought to know because I've done it a thousand times." —Mark Twain
"Is taco yoga a thing yet? Someone get on that."
- Chisty Lowe
“My wife dresses to kill, she cooks the same way.” - Henry Youngman
“As a parent you’ve only got one job to do: Keep your daughter off the pole.”
- Chris Rock.
"If you run 100 miles a week, you can eat anything you want. Why? Because (a) you'll burn all the calories you consume, (b) you deserve it, and (c) you'll be injured soon and back on a restricted diet anyway."
Don Kardong
"In the morning a man walks with his whole body; in the evening, only with his legs."
— Ralph Waldo Emerson
"Older people shouldn't eat health food. They need all the preservatives they can get." —Robert Orben
"Being a good husband is like being a standup comic. You need 10 years before you can call yourself a beginner." — Jerry Seinfeld
"Our party has been accused of fooling the public by calling tax increases 'revenue enhancement'. Not so. No one was fooled."
— Dan Quayle
“A true friend is someone who is there for you when they would rather be someplace else.”
– Len Wein
“My husband and I have never considered divorce… murder sometimes, but never divorce.”—Dr. Joyce Brothers
"Who is rich? He that is content. Who is that? Nobody.” ~ Benjamin Franklin
“Today’s good mood is sponsored by yoga.” – Unknown
“If you live to be one hundred, you’ve got it made. Very few people die past that age.”
George Burns
"I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining."
Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.
Benjamin Franklin
“Sometimes, being silly with a friend is the best therapy.”
— Unknown
“The road to success is always under construction.”
“If inflation continues to soar, you’re going to have to work like a dog just to live like one." ~George Gobel
“Dogs have boundless enthusiasm but no sense of shame. I should have a dog as a life coach.”
- Moby.
"A happy marriage is a long conversation which always seems too short." — Andre Maurois
“I thought I’d never be that annoying person, but as soon as Winnie was born, I was showing iPhone snaps to a cab driver.”
- Jimmy Fallon.
“Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.”
- Douglas Adams
"The trouble with eating Italian food is that, five or six days later, you're hungry again."
– George Miller
"I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying."
- Oscar Wilde
“There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.”
Henry Kissinger
“There’s something boring about people who have to go to an office for a living."
~ Karl Lagerfeld
"Your diet is a bank account. Good food choices are good investments."
— Bethenny Frankel
"A stupid person laughs three times at a joke; once when everyone else is laughing, a second time when he actually gets the joke, and a third time when he realizes he was laughing without getting the joke at first."
Adolescence: A stage between infancy and adultery
Kevin Goldstein-Jackson
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