Woddy Allen
Honolulu – it’s got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife’s mother.
“I may be a living legend, but that sure don't help when I've got to change a flat tire.”
Roy Orbison
“Sleeping bags are the most soft tacos of the bear’s world.”
"When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life."
- Richard Lewis
"To lose weight, spend time at the gym. To appear like you've lost weight, spend time with people who are bigger than you."
- Mokokoma Mokhonoana
“Beaver do better work than the Corps of Engineers.”
- Mike Todd.
“Business is the art of extracting money from another man’s pocket without resorting to violence." ~Max Amsterdam
“People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day!” — Anonymous
“Be like a postage stamp. Stick to a thing till you get there.” — Josh Billings
"The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs, one step at a time."
― Joe Girard
Summer should get a speeding ticket
“At the end of a rainbow, there’s a pot of gold. But when the weekend comes to an end, there’s only a Monday.”
“A good rule to remember for life is that when it comes to plastic surgery and sushi, never be attracted by a bargain.”
Graham Norton
“My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.”
― Henny Youngman
“Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.”
- George Benard Shaw
"You get two for the price of one when you are a Gemini."
— Karan Johar
“I have found out that there ain’t no surer way to find out whether you like people or hate them than to travel with them.”
– Mark Twain
"The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made."
“Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across the country join together to raise America’s obesity statistics.” —Stephen Colbert
“Fond of doctors, little health, Fond of lawyers, little wealth.”
Proverb
"When your “mom voice” is so loud even the neighbors brush their teeth and get dressed." - Unknown
“I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?”—Jean Illsley Clarke
“My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.” – Anonymous
“I love yoga, but the namaste thing only takes you so far.” — Jillian Michaels
"Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint." —Mark Twain
“Even though we’re a week and a half away from Thanksgiving, it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas.” —Richard Roeper
“Flattery is like cologne water, to be smelt, not swallowed.”
Josh Billings
"Getting out of bed would be 10x easier if there was a Caribbean ocean and 30 degree weather waiting outside for you."
"The main point of a cruise is to eat until you weigh the same as the boat."
“When I hear somebody sigh, ‘Life is hard,’ I am always tempted to ask, ‘Compared to what?'”
Sydney J. Harris
“It was nice growing up with someone like you—someone to lean on, someone to count on…someone to tell on!”—Unknown
“Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? There’s a support group for that. It’s called everybody, and they meet at the bar.” – Drew Carey
"Unquestionably, there is progress. The average American now pays out twice as much in taxes as he formerly got in wages."
- H. L. Mencken
“People say money is not the key to happiness, but I have always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.”—Joan Rivers
“I have decided to cast my vote for any political candidate whose platform adds Monday to the weekend.”
"I only workout, because I really really like donuts."
- Unknown
“The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is that they have a common enemy.”—Sam Levenson
"The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has limits."
Anonymous
“All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“When there’s snow on the ground L like to pretend I'm walking on clouds.”
“L.A. is so celebrity-conscious, there’s a restaurant that only serves Jack Nicholson — and when he shows up, they tell him there’ll be a ten-minute wait.”
Bill Maher
All my friends complaint about not feeling good, and are freaking out about their lives, and I’m just like, “There’s Yoga pose for that!” — Unknown
“No man goes before his time—unless the boss leaves early.” — Groucho Marx
“It is a grave error to assume that ice cream consumption requires hot weather.”
- Anne Fadiman
“Parenting is a constant battle between going to bed to catch up on some sleep or staying awake to finally get some alone time.” — Anonymous
“My friend was attacked by a duck. I yelled “duck!” to warn him, but it just made it worse.”
- Kelkulus.
"Looking fifty is great—if you’re sixty." - Joan Rivers
"The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired." — Milton Berle
I don’t think my wife likes me very much, when I had a heart attack she wrote for an ambulance.
Frank Carson
“A road trip is a way for the whole family to spend time together and annoy each other in interesting new places.”
– Tom Lichtenheld
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