"Every morning is a battle between the superego and the id, and I am a mere foot soldier with mud and a snooze button on her shield."
— Catherynne Valente
"I complain that the years fly past, but then I look in a mirror and see that very few of them actually got past." - Robert Brault
“Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.”
E. B. White
“Parenting is a cult. And as a cult member, you can try to explain it to other people, but we just appear like lunatics.” – Jim Gaffigan
"I don't get why people pay to exercise in a gym when it's free to not exercise."
- Bridger Winegar
“On our 6 a.m. walk, my daughter asked where the moon goes each morning. I let her know it’s in heaven, visiting Daddy’s freedom.” – Ryan Reynolds
"Love is an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." - Jules Renard
“I hate mornings and Mondays. And working. But other than that I am entirely happy.”
“In spring we are on Earth; in summer we are on Earth; in autumn we are on Earth, but in winter we are in another planet; winter is another planet!” — Mehmet Murat ildan
"If it costs you your peace of mind, you’ve overpaid."
— Rigel J. Dawson
“There’s no “we” in ice cream.”
― Unknown
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.” - Wendy Liebman
The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, but the fly comes close. -- Mark Twain
“A baby changes your dinner party conversation from politics to poops.”
- Maurice Johnston.
“Friends come and go, like the waves of the ocean, but the true ones stay, like an octopus on your face.”
— Unknown
“If you can walk away from a landing, it’s a good landing. If you can use the aircraft the next day, it’s an outstanding landing.”
- Chuck Yeager
"As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife."
“Home, nowadays, is a place where part of the family waits till the rest of the family brings the car back.”
- Earl Wilson.
"Stop worrying about the potholes in the road and enjoy the journey."
– Babs Hoffman
“If you live to be one hundred, you’ve got it made. Very few people die past that age.”
George Burns
“Remember that creating a successful marriage is like farming: you have to start over again every morning.” —H. Jackson Brown, Jr
“Having a family is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.”
- Martin Mull.
“Straight roads are for fast cars, turns are for fast drivers.”
— Colin McRae
“Dear Monday, my mama doesn’t like you and she likes everyone.”
“If you have friends who are as weird as you, then you have everything.”
— Unknown
"From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it."
“Doing nothing is very hard to do… you never know when you’re finished.” — Leslie Nielsen
The day I made that statement, about the inventing the internet, I was tired because I'd been up all night inventing the Camcorder.
Al Gore
“You’ve got to be very careful if you don’t know where you are going, because you might not get there.”
Yogi Berra
“Jet lag is for amateurs.”
— Dick Clark
“What is the difference between a taxidermist and a tax collector? The taxidermist takes only your skin” –Mark Twain
“The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree." - Steven Alexander Wright
The idea is to die young as late as possible.
Montagu's Maxim
“I have found out that there ain’t no surer way to find out whether you like people or hate them than to travel with them.”
– Mark Twain
"Love thy neighbor, just watch out for thy husband." - Unknown
“Every man is a d*** fool for at least five minutes every day; wisdom consists in not exceeding the limit.”
― Elbert Hubbard
“Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.” — Groucho Marx
“All my life I thought air was free until I bought a bag of chips.”
― Unknown
"I prefer not to think before speaking. I like being as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth."
Anonymous
“When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.”
"It sounds plausible enough tonight, but wait until tomorrow. Wait for the common sense of the morning."
— H.G. Wells
“Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.”
—P.J. O’Rourke
“Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I’m not there, I go to work.” – Robert Orben
"Love is a two-way street constantly under construction."
- Carroll Bryant.
“My formula for success is rise early, work late and strike oil.” JP Getty.
"Only on a cruise shiip will you pay hundreds of dollar a day to sleep in a closet."
“An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.”
― Unknown
"A clever person takes notice of everything; a stupid one makes a comment about everything."
- Heinrich Heine
"The holy passion of friendship is so sweet and steady and loyal and enduring a nature that it will last through a whole lifetime if not asked to lend money."
— Mark Twain
“Don’t be a jogger, they’re the one’s who find dead bodies.” – Amanda Brooks
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