“The trouble with the IRS is that 90% of its members give the rest a bad name.”
“Maybe Monday doesn’t like you either.”
“What we’re really talking about is a wonderful day set aside on the fourth Thursday of November when no one diets. I mean, why else would they call it Thanksgiving?” — Erma Bombeck
It's almost Summer! Time to find out what my friends with swimming pools have been up to since last summer...
“I am your best friend, and there isn’t anything you can do about it!”
— Unknown
“Aquarians are sort of unorthodox, original people — sort of wack, witty mad-caps who refuse to follow the crowd and go their own way.”
— Joanna Martine Woolfolk
“There are much easier things in life than finding a good man. Nailing Jell-O to a tree, for instance.”
Anonymous
“A perfect summer day is when the sun is shining, the breeze is blowing, the birds are singing, and the lawnmower is broken.”
– James Dent
“If you pay peanuts, you get monkeys” – James Goldsmith
Prejudice is a great time saver. You can form opinions without having to get the facts.
E. B. White
"The man who says his wife can't take a joke, forgets that she took him." — Oscar Wilde
“So. Monday. We meet again. We will never be friends—but maybe we can move past our mutual enmity toward a more-positive partnership.”
— Julio Alexi Genao
“When preparing to travel, lay out all your clothes and all your money. Then take half the clothes and twice the money.”
— Susan Heller
"Slow runners make fast runners look good. Thank you."
From the back of a T-shirt
“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees, and he told me about the butcher and my wife.” – Rodney Dangerfield
They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.
Clint Eastwood
"Summer vacations are a time when parents realize that teachers are grossly underpaid."
“To be stupid, selfish, and have good health are three requirements for happiness, though if stupidity is lacking, all is lost.”
- Gustave Flaubert
“They laugh at me because I’m different: I laugh at them because they’re all the same.”
“I don’t know what’s more exhausting about parenting: the getting up early, or acting like you know what you’re doing.”
- Jim Gaffigan.
“Pizza is like the entire food pyramid!”
― Madeline Oles
I have wondered at times what the Ten Commandments would have looked like if Moses had run them through the U.S. Congress. -- Ronald Reagan
“When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason, there’s a reason.” - Molly McGee
“How can something so small create so much of something so disgusting?”
- Michael, ‘Three Men And A Baby.’
A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
Steve Martin
"True love is like ghosts, which everyone talks about and few have seen." — Francois de la Rochefoucauld
"Love is being stupid together." - Paul Valery
I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and by then it was too late.
Max Kaufman
“Never doubt the courage of the French. They were the ones who discovered that snails are edible.”
Doug Larson
"The only time to eat diet food is while you're waiting for the steak to cook"- Julia Child
“Those pizzas I ate were for medicinal purposes.”
― Amy Neftzger
“Never get married in college; it’s hard to get a start if a prospective employer finds you’ve already made one mistake.”—Elbert Hubbard
“I have decided to cast my vote for any political candidate whose platform adds Monday to the weekend.”
“Someone asked me why women don’t gamble as much as men do, and I gave the commonsensical reply that we don’t have as much money. That was a true and incomplete answer. In fact, women’s total instinct for gambling is satisfied by marriage.” – Gloria Steinem
“For every tax problem, there is a solution which is straightforward, uncomplicated-and wrong.”
“I believe someone made a grievous mistake when summer was created; no novitiate or god in their right mind would make a season akin to hell on purpose. Someone should be fired.”
― Michelle Franklin
“Being different is a revolving door in your life where secure people enter and insecure exit.”
— Shannon L. Alder
"Congress can raise taxes because it can persuade a sizable fraction of the populace that somebody else will pay."
- Milton Friedman
“The only reason a great many American families don't own an elephant is that they have never been offered an elephant for a dollar down and easy weekly payments."
- Mad Magazine
"When I was young, I was called a rugged individualist. When I was in my fifties, I was considered eccentric. Here I am doing and saying the same things I did then, and I’m labeled senile." - George Burns
“When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he’s doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911.”
- Erma Bombeck.
"If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again."
“I’m totally ‘that dad’ who leaves a note in my son’s lunch box. One day I’ll actually start putting food in there also.”
- Steve Ryan.
“When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.”—Erma Bombeck
“Road Trips: Because they’re cheaper than therapy.”
“Cauliflower is a cabbage with a college education.”
— Mark Twain
"Children are a great comfort in your old age, and they help you reach it faster, too." – Lionel Kauffman
“There is no such thing as bad weather, only different kinds of good weather.”
– John Ruskin
“The problem with the world is that everyone does not have a brain, but everyone does have a tongue.”
- Raheel Farooq
A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.
Jerry Seinfeld
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