"Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted."
“Road Trips: Because they’re cheaper than therapy.”
"The trouble with eating Italian food is that five or six days later, you're hungry again."
— George Miller
"I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty."
"Many so-called spiritual people, they overeat, drink too much, they smoke and don't exercise. But they do go to church every week and pray 'Please help my arthritis. Please help me bring up my strength, make me young again.'"
- Jack LaLanne
“Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I’m not there, I go to work.” – Robert Orben
“It is a grave error to assume that ice cream consumption requires hot weather.”
- Anne Fadiman
“Family life is a bit like a runny peach pie, not perfect but who’s complaining?”
- Robert Brault.
In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.
Rita Rudner
"A clever person takes notice of everything; a stupid one makes a comment about everything."
- Heinrich Heine
“Do what we can, summer will have its flies.”
-Ralph Waldo Emerson
“Anybody who tells you money can’t buy happiness never had any.” —Samuel L. Jackson
"I can't believe we got grades in gym class. I've never used anything I learned in there."
- Jim Gaffigan
"Love is a two-way street constantly under construction."
- Carroll Bryant.
“The household cat is really a tiger that has underwent three counselling programs.”
- Valeriu Butulescu.
“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.”
- Rodney Dangerfield.
“Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair.”
– George Burns
"Either he's dead or my watch has stopped."
“Laughter rises out of tragedy, when you need it the most, and rewards you for your courage.”
Erma Bombeck
“I’ve never met an animal I didn’t like, and I can’t say the same thing about people.”
- Doris Day.
"The trouble with jogging is that the ice falls out of your glass."
Martin Mull
"They were a people so primitive they did not know how to get money, except by working for it." ~ Joseph Addison
I dream of moving to India, or Pakistan, and becoming a cab driver.
Zach Galifianakis
“The greatest lesson in life is to know that even fools are right sometimes.”
– Winston S. Churchill
“Respect your parents. These guys pay for your internet.”—Unknown
"Stupidity has a knack of getting its way."
- Albert Camus
"There’s one advantage to being 102, there’s no peer pressure." - Dennis Wolfberg
“I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.” — Anonymous
"I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry." — Rita Rudner
“I hate when I lose things at work, like pens, papers, sanity and dreams.” – Anonymous
"In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom."
“People teach their dog to sit; it’s a trick. I’ve been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.”—Mitch Hedberg
“Good morning is a contradiction of terms.”
— Jim Davis
“In this country, you gotta make the money first. Then when you get the money, you get the power. Then when you get the power, then you get the women.” –Tony Montana (Al Pacino) Scarface
“I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn’t a professional, the knife had butter on it.”
Rodney Dangerfield
“Misers are no fun to live with, but they make great ancestors.” —Tom Snyder
"Look, in my opinion, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you. The right person is still going to think the sun shines out of your ass." - Mac MacGuff in Juno
“I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.”
Rodney Dangerfield
“Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.”
E. B. White
"I am dying with the help of too many physicians." — Unknown
“Never break a promise to an animal. They're like babies—they won't understand.”
― Tamora Pierc
“Size isn’t everything. The whale is endangered, while the ant continues to do just fine.”
- Bill Vaughan.
“Keep calm and ommm… nonommm…” — Anonymous
“Every day is National Donut Day if you put your mind to it.”
― Unknown
“What does a snail say when he rides on the back of a turtle?
“Whee!”
- Will Durst
"Room service? Send up a larger room."
“Government’s view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it.”
– Ronald Reagan
“Namastay 6 feet away.” – Unknown
“Old age is an excellent time for outrage. My goal is to say or do at least one outrageous thing every week.” - Maggie Kuhn
"I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home."
– Robert Orben
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