“I only go to yoga to drink wine, so I’m good. I just throw the calories right back in.” – Kaley Cuoco
“Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.”
George Carlin
“Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow…somewhere else!”
“I love America, but I can’t spend the whole year here. I can’t afford the taxes.”
— Mick Jagger
"Husbands are like wine, they take a long time to mature." —Donatella in Letters to Juliet
“Venice is like eating an entire box of chocolate liqueurs in one go.”
— Truman Capote
"Strength is the capacity to break a chocolate bar into four pieces with your bare hands - and then eat just one of the pieces."
— Judith Viorst
“Anyone who has time for drama is not gardening enough”
— Anonymous
"The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you're not in shape for it, it's too far to walk back."
Franklin Jones
“If your family tree does not fork, you might be a redneck.”
- Jeff Foxworthy.
[on filing for tax returns] "This is too difficult for a mathematician. It takes a philosopher."
- Albert Einstein
Some things have to be believed to be seen. -- Ralph Hodgson
“I thought about losing weight once, but I don’t like losing.”
― Unknown
“I won’t be impressed with technology until I can download food.”
― Unknown
"I wake up in the morning and lay in my bed waiting for my mom to prepare breakfast. And suddenly I remember that I’m the mom."
— Unknown
“If you stand in the meat section at the grocery store long enough, you start to get mad at turkeys. There’s turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastrami. Someone needs to tell the turkey, ‘Man, just be yourself.'” —Mitch Hedberg
“The coldest winter I ever spent was a summer in San Francisco.
– Mark Twain
"Love may be the best driving wheel, but anger is a pretty good second."
– Steven Tyler
Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares?... He’s a mile away and you’ve got his shoes!
Billy Connolly
"Life seems to fade our memory, so on this birthday I will forget yours if you forget mine!" - Kate Summers
“As I have gotten older and wiser I discovered that there are six things that I really loved about my job. Pay day, lunch time, quitting time, vacation time, holidays, and of course retirement.” — Tom Goins
“To like and dislike the same things, that is what makes a solid friendship.”
— Sallust
"It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like." —Jackie Mason
"I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home."
– Robert Orben
“Thanksgiving is a lot like Christmas, except you don’t get any presents for holding in your familial rage.” -Unknown
“If pessimism is despair, optimism is cowardice and stupidity. Is there any need to choose between them?”
- Francis Parker Yockey
"I’m so cool I wasn’t actually born, I was defrosted."
"The safe way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it in your pocket." ~ Kin Hubbard
"After a good dinner, one can forgive anybody, even one's own relations."
— Oscar Wilde
A good speech should be like a woman's skirt: long enough to cover the subject and short enough to create interest.
Winston Churchill
I feel so miserable without you, it’s almost like having you here."
- Stephen Bishop
"An income tax form is like a laundry list - either way you lose your shirt."
- Fred Allen
"People ask me what I’d most appreciate getting for my eighty-seventh birthday. I tell them, a paternity suit." - George Burns
“She is the only evidence of God I have seen, with the exception of the mysterious force that removes one sock from the dryer every time I do my laundry.”- St Elmo's Fire
"Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love." — Albert Einstein
"If you resolve to give up smoking, drinking and loving, you don't actually live longer; it just seems longer." - Clement Freud
“If you are not yelling at your kids, you are not spending enough time with them.” —Reese Witherspoon
"Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one." — Mae West
“I’m looking forward to seeing pie this Thanksgiving more than members of my own family.” —Damien Fahey
“God made up best friends because he knew our mom couldn’t handle us as sisters.”
— Unknown
“Your basic extended family today includes your ex-husband or ex-wife, your ex’s new mate, your new mate, possibly your new mate’s ex and any new mate that your new mate’s ex has acquired.”
- Delia Ephron
"True friends don’t judge each other. They judge other people together."
— Emilie Saint-Genis
“Be like a postage stamp. Stick to a thing till you get there.” — Josh Billings
"When traveling with someone, take large doses of patience and tolerance with your morning coffee."
– Helen Hayes
“Camping is not a date; its an endurance test. If you can survive camping with someone, you should marry them on the way home.”
"Money without brains is always dangerous." ~ Napoleon Hill
"Thirty ways to shape up for summer. Number one: eat less. Number two: exercise more. Number three: what was I talking about again? I’m so hungry"
– Maria Bamford
“I’m so poor I can’t even pay attention." ~Ron Kittle
“The secret to a long marriage is to stay gone.” - Dolly Parton
“Thanksgiving: Bringing out the best in family dysfunction since 1863.” -Unknown
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