"There's always something to be thankful for on Thanksgiving. Even if it's just not being a turkey." -Unknown
"I quit therapy because my analyst was trying to help me behind my back." - Richard Lewis
"Children are a great comfort in your old age- and they help you reach it faster too." – Lionel Kauffman
“Is it snowing where you are? All the world that I see from my tower is draped in white and the flakes are coming down as big as pop-corns.” — Jean Webster
"I'm not sure what makes pepperoni so good if it's the pepper or the oni."
— Ulrik Stephens
“A lot of parents pack up their troubles and send them off to summer camp.”
– Raymond Duncan
"If found on ground, please drag to finish line."
From a runner's T-shirt
“A hen is just an egg’s way of making another egg.”
- Weird Science.
“The worst part of online shopping is having to get up and get your credit card from your purse.”
Unknown
“There are two times in a man’s life when he should not speculate: when he can’t afford it, and when he can.” – Mark Twain
"Everyone’s a little bit crazy and a little bit loud. But everyone’s sharing a generous amount of love."
“It’s especially hard to admit that you made a mistake to your parents, because, of course, you know so much more than they do.”—Sean Covey, The 7 Habits Of Highly Effective Teens
Growth takes time. Be patient. And while you’re waiting, pull a weed.
— Emilie Barnes
"Europeans: I drove 40 minutes to spend the weekend in Paris, then popped to Germany to visit family on the way home. Australians: I was in Queensland and drove for 18 hours. Now I’m still in Queensland."
“My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that’s not so bad, but New York City?”
Henny Youngman
“Being a beaver is nice, if you’re hungry you just eat a piece of your home.”
― Unknown
“Budget: a mathematical confirmation of your suspicions." ~A.A. Latimer
“I’m spending a year dead for tax reasons.” Douglas Adams.
"Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them."
- Bill Maher
"I don't do alcohol anymore—I get the same effect just standing up fast." - Anonymous
“It’s like kids can just smell when you start relaxing.” - Anonymous
"Death, taxes, and childbirth! There's never any convenient time for any of them."
― Margaret Mitchell
"Nature is by and large to be found out of doors, a location where, it cannot be argued, there are never enough comfortable chairs."
- Fran Lebowitz
"The trouble with always trying to preserve the health of the body is that it is so difficult to do without destroying the health of the mind." - G.K. Chesterton
“Money can’t buy you happiness but it can pay for plastic surgery." ~ Joan Rivers
“I come from a stupid family. During the Civil War, my great uncle fought for the west!”
Rodney Dangerfield
I saw a twinkle in her eye I have not seen since the neighbor children discovered our new electric fence.
David Hyde Pierce
"Run like hell and get the agony over with."
Clarence DeMar
“Never have more children than you have car windows.”
– Erma Bombeck
“I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.”
Les Dawson
“I would have made a terrible parent. The first time my child didn’t do what I wanted, I’d kill him.”
- Katherine Hepburn.
"Children are a great comfort in your old age, and they help you reach it faster, too." – Lionel Kauffman
"I love my husband, but no matter where we are, I make him sleep closest to the door so if anything happens, he gets murdered first." — Jessica Valenti
“Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?”
Jerry Seinfeld
“Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money.” – Jackie Mason
"Life is uncertain. Eat dessert first."
– Ernestine Ulmer
Christianity is the strangest religion ever set up, for it committed a murder upon Jesus in order to redeem mankind from the sin of eating an apple. -- Thomas Paine
“Some of our greatest historical and artistic treasures we place with curators in museums; others we take for walks.”—Roger Caras
“Anybody who doesn’t know what soap tastes like never washed a dog.”
- Franklin P. Jones.
"Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint." —Mark Twain
“When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.”
Rita Rudner
Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares?... He’s a mile away and you’ve got his shoes!
Billy Connolly
Fame changes a lot of things, but it can't change a light bulb.
Gilda Radner
"At age 20, we worry about what others think of us… at age 40, we don’t care what they think of us… at age 60, we discover they haven’t been thinking of us at all." - Ann Landers
“My wife dresses to kill, she cooks the same way.” - Henry Youngman
“Thank you, the day after Thanksgiving, or as the makers of sweatpants call it, 'the busy season.'" — Jimmy Fallon
“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.“
Rodney Dangerfield
“Every time you feel yourself being pulled into other people’s drama, repeat these word: Not my circus, not my monkeys.”
Polish Proverb
“My dad used to say, ‘Always fight fire with fire.’ Which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.”—Harry Hill
“I just want to be friends. Plus a little extra. Also, I love you.” - Dwight Schrute, 'The Office'
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