“You know your life has changed when going to the grocery store by yourself is a vacation.” - Anonymous
“Unless you are a pizza, the answer is yes, I can live without you.”
― Bill Murray
"Age is something that doesn’t matter, unless you are a cheese." – Billie Burke
"A weed is a plant that has mastered every survival skill except for learning how to grow in rows."
- Doug Larson
"The capacity for friendship is God’s way of apologizing for our families."
— Jay McInerney
“My mind says ‘abs’ but my heart says ‘cheese fries’.”
― Unknown
"The only b.s I need is bikini and sandals"
“You dropped your kid off a changing table? Stuff just happens, okay? Last week, my kid ate a cigarette. I caught him playing in the dryer yesterday. I picked up the wrong baby from daycare. I found my baby swimming in the toilet. No judging.”
- 'What To Expect When You Are Expecting'.
"I always thought a yard was three feet, then I started mowing the lawn."
- C.E. Cowman
"I go to the gym three days a week. You have to or else - I don't want to be the guy that dies shoveling snow."
- Douglas Coupland
"My idea of camping is falling asleep on the couch with the window open."
- Clarke Kant
"I’m at that age where my back goes out more than I do." - Phyllis Diller
"If it weren't for the fact that the TV set and the refrigeratir are so far apart, some of us wouldn't get any exercise at all"- Joey Adams
“Family ties mean that no matter how much you might want to run from your family, you can’t.”—Unknown
"Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him."
“There’s no such thing as bad weather, just soft people.”
– Bill Bowerman
“Your typical six-year-old is a paradoxical little person.”
- Louise Bates Ames.
“Insanity is hereditary; you get it from your children.”
- Sam Levenson
“Find a job you like and you add five days to every week."
~ H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
"The safe way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it in your pocket." ~ Kin Hubbard
George Burns
First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.
“My father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic.”—Spike Milligan
If I don’t make it to heaven, at least I know what hell feels like with this heat!”
― April Mae Monterrosa
I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ. -- Mahatma Ghandi
“The economy depends about as much on economists as the weather does on weather forecasters." ~Jean-Paul Kauffmann
“What is your favorite day of the week, and why it is your favorite day of the week? Mine is Tuesday because that means Monday is gone.”
“Silence is golden…unless you have kids, then silence is just suspicious.” - Anonymous
“In honor of Hanukkah falling on Thanksgiving, I am going to spend dinner feeling guilty about everything I have to be thankful for.” — Conan O’Brien
"I wasn’t kissing her, I was whispering in her mouth." — Chico Marx
Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?
Robin Williams
“Do you think Abe Lincoln would have declared Thanksgiving a national holiday if he knew it would mean the Lions play every year?” — Conan O’Brien
"The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin."
- Mark Twain
“It’s a shame that the only thing a man can do for eight hours a day is work. He can’t eat for eight hours; he can’t drink for eight hours; he can’t make love for eight hours. The only thing a man can do for eight hours is work.” — William Faulkner
"It's rude to count people as you pass them. Out loud."
From an Adidas ad
“Yoga pants. Because jeans are stressful and you don’t need that in your life.” -Unknown
"I don't think jogging is healthy, especially morning jogging. If morning joggers knew how tempting they looked to morning motorists, they would stay home and do sit-ups."
Rita Rudner
"Family Vacation (n.) A time for you to remember why your family never spends any time together."
“Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.”
Thomas A. Edison
“It takes less time to do a thing right, than it does to explain why you did it wrong.” — Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
"It's a hill. Get over it."
From a runner's T-shirt
"I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol."- Steven Write
"Don’t forget to drink water and get some sun. You’re basically a houseplant with more complicated emotions."
“I always carry a knife in my purse, just in case we’re having cake.”
― Unknown
“When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he’s doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“I do an hour’s yoga and go running everyday. Then I see a picture of myself and I still look like a skinny, pot bellied idiot — and I thought I had turned into this superhunk!” — Chris Martin
“How do I like my eggs? In a cake.”
― Unknown
"Wisdom doesn’t necessarily come with age. Sometimes, age just shows up all by itself." - Tom Wilson
"Bulb: potential flower buried in Autumn, never to be seen again."
- Henry Beard
"Most people never run far enough on their first wind to find out they've got a second."
William James
“Marriage is an attempt to solve problems together which you didn’t even have when you were on your own.”—Eddie Cantor
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