“There were times my pants were so thin I could sit on a dime and tell if it was heads or tails.” -Spencer Tracy quotes
"A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.’" - Claude Pepper
“Never ever discount the idea of marriage. Sure, someone might tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper. Well, so is money, and what’s more life-affirming than cold, hard cash?”—Dennis Miller
“Money isn’t everything, but it’s a long way ahead of what comes next.” - Edmund Stockdale
“If Monday was a gift, I would happily return it to the person who gave it to me.”
"If God invented marathons to keep people from doing anything more stupid, the triathlon must have taken him completely by surprise."
P.Z. Pearce
"Run. Because zombies will eat the untrained ones first."
From the Zombie Apocalypse Survival Guide
"The only thing that hurts more than paying an income tax is not having to pay an income tax."
— Thomas Dewar
“In Hollywood, a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.” - Rita Rudner
“A father is someone who carries pictures in his wallet where his money used to be” — unknown
“A bargain is something you can’t use at a price you can’t resist.”- Franklin Jones.
If you use the church's WiFi, are you receiving God's signal? -- Anonymous
“This crisp winter air is full of it.” – John Burroughs
“People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day!” — Anonymous
“Stomach: I will now demonstrate a blue whale’s mating call.”
― Unknown
“One of the keys to a successful marriage is separate bathrooms. When he enters my bathroom sometimes, I’m like, ‘Why are you in here?’ And he’s like, ‘I live here. Can I enjoy my bathroom too?’”—Michelle Obama
"If all the rich people in the world divided up their money among themselves, there wouldn’t be enough to go around." ~ Christina Stead
“If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee.”
Abraham Lincoln
I’m sure wherever my dad is he’s looking down on us… he’s not dead… just very condescending.
Jack Whitehall
"I’m like old wine. They don’t bring me out very often… but I’m well preserved." - Rose Kennedy
“Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”
– George Carlin
"It’s easy to meet expenses, everywhere we go, there they are." ~ Anonymus
“What Yoga really is… Spending an entire hour trying not to fart.”— Anonymous
"My doctor recently told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already." —Milton Berle
“It’s not easy being a mom. If it were easy, fathers would do it.”—Betty White
“Some family trees bear an enormous crop of nuts.”
- Wayne H
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” —Phyllis Diller
“Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another, ‘What! You too? I thought I was the only one!”
— C.S. Lewis
“We were married for better or worse. I couldn’t have done better and she couldn’t have done worse.” —Henry Youngman
"If you run 100 miles a week, you can eat anything you want. Why? Because (a) you'll burn all the calories you consume, (b) you deserve it, and (c) you'll be injured soon and back on a restricted diet anyway."
Don Kardong
“If Patrick Henry thought that taxation without representation was bad, he should see how bad it is with representation.”
– Farmer’s Almanac
“Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and give her a house.” —Rod Stewart
“Marriage is our last, best chance to grow up.” - Joseph Barth
"Families are like fudge ... mostly sweet with a few nuts." - Unknown
“Whenever I’m sad, you’re there. Whenever I’m having problems you are always there. Whenever my life seems out of control, you are always there. Let’s face it. You are bad luck.”
— Unknown
Religion is what keeps the poor from murdering the rich. -- Napoleon
"True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked." — Erich Segal
"Go, and never darken my towels again."
"Jogging is very beneficial. It's good for your legs and your feet. It's also very good for the ground. It makes it feel needed."
Charles Schulz
“Money is something you have to make in case you don’t die.” Max Asnas.
“The learned fool writes his nonsense in better language than the unlearned, but still ‘this nonsense.”
– Benjamin Franklin
"I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining."
"It is amazing how quickly the kids learn to drive a car, yet are unable to understand the lawnmower, snowblower, or vacuum cleaner." – Ben Bergor
“If you’re going to tell people the truth, be funny or they’ll kill you.”
Billy Wilder
“The most obnoxious thing in the world is to listen to others drone on about how much they love the heat.”
“Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.”
Thomas A. Edison
“When your children are teenagers, it’s important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you.”
- Nora Ephron.
"We live by the golden rule. Those who have the gold make the rules." ~ Unknown
“Plant carrots in January and you’ll never have to eat carrots.”
— Anonymous
“The poor have more children, but the rich have more relatives.” – Unknown
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