“Mondays are a lot like getting fat. They make you feel sad, sometimes angry and there is not much scope for liking either fat or Mondays for any reason.”
– Garry Moll
“Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers.”
Homer Simpson
“I find being a Pisces a bit of a rollercoaster sometimes! I can talk myself right in and right out of any decision, any subject, any time.”
— Mary English
"No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early"
"I don’t plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet." - Rita Rudner
"Love is a temporary insanity curable by marriage."
- Ambrose Bierce
“If you know how many cupcakes I’m holding behind my back I’ll give you both of them.”
― Unknown
“A child is a curly dimpled lunatic." – Ralph Emerson
“Everyone wants me to be a morning person. I could be one, only if morning began after noon.”
— Tony Smite
"The trouble with eating Italian food is that five or six days later, you're hungry again."
— George Miller
"Money is like a sixth sense – and you can’t make use of the other five without it." ~ William Somerset Maugham
“Thanksgiving, man. Not a good day to be my pants.” —Kevin James
“It’s bizarre that the [grocery store] produce manager is more important to my children’s health than the pediatrician.”
Unknown
“I just wanna kick it in the woods with my birches.”
“Road trips required a couple of things: a well-balanced diet of caffeine, salt, and sugar and an excellent selection of tunes—oh, and directions.”
– Jenn McKinlay
“If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee.”
Abraham Lincoln
"Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does."
“Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.”
Groucho Marx
"Many so-called spiritual people, they overeat, drink too much, they smoke and don't exercise. But they do go to church every week and pray 'Please help my arthritis. Please help me bring up my strength, make me young again.'"
- Jack LaLanne
“From the ages of 8-18, me and my family moved around a lot. Mostly we would just stretch, but occasionally one of us would actually get up to go to the fridge.”
- Jarod Kintz
"Summer vacations are a time when parents realize that teachers are grossly underpaid."
“The best way to get a puppy is to beg for a baby brother—and they will settle for a puppy every time.”—Winston Pendelton
"Women love a self-confident bald man."
- Larry David.
"Love thy neighbor, just watch out for thy husband." - Unknown
"As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife."
“If there is a WILL, there are 500 relatives.” – Anonymous
"I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?" - Jean Illsely Clarke
“Laughter rises out of tragedy, when you need it the most, and rewards you for your courage.”
Erma Bombeck
"If I knew I was going to live this long, I'd have taken better care of myself." —Mickey Mantle
“I have removed all the bad food from my house, it was delicious.”
"A good run is like a cup of coffee. I'm much nicer after I've had one."
Unknown
People who want to share their religious views with you, almost never want you to share yours with them. -- Dave Barry
“Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy.” – Charlie McCarthy
“Progress isn’t made by early risers. It’s made by lazy men trying to find easier ways to do something."
— Robert Heinlein
"If you want your children to turn out well, spend twice as much time with them and half as much money."
– Abigail Van Buren
“It is a grave error to assume that ice cream consumption requires hot weather.”
- Anne Fadiman
“No matter how calmly you try to referee, parenting will eventually produce bizarre behavior, and I’m not talking about the kids. Their behavior is always normal.”
- Bill Cosby.
“Every pizza is a personal pizza if you try hard and believe in yourself.”
― Bill Murray
The number of followers you have doesn't make you better than anyone else. Hitler had millions, Jesus had 12. -- Anonymous
"It wasn't love at first sight. It took a full five minutes." Lucille Ball
“The worst part of online shopping is having to get up and get your credit card from your purse.”
Unknown
“Went to Disneyland because my daughter’s obsessed with Mickey Mouse. She was so excited when I got home and told her.”
- Ryan Reynolds.
Young man, the secret of my success is that at an early age I discovered I was not God. -- Oliver Wendell Holmes Jr.
"Age is something that doesn’t matter, unless you are a cheese." – Billie Burke
“I'm always in a bad mood on Monday morning. It makes me hate everything for no reason whatsoever.”
“My formula for success is rise early, work late and strike oil.” JP Getty.
“You know why fish are so thin? They eat fish.
- Jerry Seinfeld"
“I travel a lot, I hate having my life disrupted by routine.”
– Caskie Stinnett
"When you’re older, Friday means less parking spots." - Larry David
"There’s nothing more tedious than seeing how a person shows his intellect, especially if there isn’t any."
- Erich Maria Remarque
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