“Thank you, the day after Thanksgiving, or as the makers of sweatpants call it, 'the busy season.'" — Jimmy Fallon
"I hate mornings, they start so early."
— Janet Evanovich
"Watermelon - it's a good fruit. You eat, you drink, you wash your face."
— Enrico Caruso
"Wisdom doesn’t necessarily come with age. Sometimes, age just shows up all by itself." - Tom Wilson
“I celebrated Thanksgiving the old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.” —Jon Stewart
“The easiest way to teach children the value of money is to borrow some from them." — Anonymous
"There's no better feeling in the world than a warm pizza box on your lap."
— Kevin James
“People teach their dog to sit; it’s a trick. I’ve been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.”—Mitch Hedberg
“I eat cake every day because somewhere out there it’s someone’s birthday and I like to celebrate.”
― Unknown
“If a dog jumps in your lap, it is because he is fond of you; but if a cat does the same thing, it is because your lap is warm.”
- Alfred North Whitehead.
Except for an occasional heart attack I feel as young as I ever did.
Robert Benchley
“Friendship must be built on a solid foundation of alcohol, sarcasm, inappropriateness and shenanigans.”
— Unknown
“I’m not aging, I just need repotting.”
— Anonymous
"Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed." — Albert Einstein
"True friends don’t judge each other. They judge other people together."
— Emilie Saint-Genis
"Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy." ~ Groucho Marx
"Day in and day out, your tax accountant can make or lose more money than any single person in your life with the possible exception of your kids."
― Harvey Mackay
"When traveling with someone, take large doses of patience and tolerance with your morning coffee."
– Helen Hayes
“Children may be deductible, but they are still taxing.”
“Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with someone long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family.”—Chelsea Handler
“The more you’re loving and understanding, the more your kids will sing.”
- Maxime Lagacé
“I think yoga should be for everyone, not just the folks who change their name to something Hindu.” — Tara Stiles
"If you feel bad at 10 miles, you're in trouble. If you feel bad at 20 miles, you're normal. If you don't feel bad at 26 miles, you're abnormal."
Rob de Castella
“Watching your daughter being collected by her date feels like handing over a million-dollar Stradivarius to a gorilla.”
- Jim Bishop.
"Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing."
- Natasha Leggero
“It’s my car now, but as soon as it’s fixed, it’ll be my daughter’s again.”
– Jeff Stahler
“By the time you’re 80 years old you’ve learned everything. You only have to remember it.” - George Burns
"Ideas are like rabbits. You get a couple and learn how to handle them, and pretty soon you have a dozen."
- John Steinbeck.
"We live by the golden rule. Those who have the gold make the rules." ~ Unknown
"In some families, 'please' is described as the magic word. In our house, however, it was 'sorry.'" - Margaret Laurence
“You drink too much. Cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You’re everything I ever wanted in a friend.”
— Unknown
“On Thanksgiving Day we acknowledge our dependence.” —William Jennings Bryan
"You get two for the price of one when you are a Gemini."
— Karan Johar
"Money doesn’t change you. It reveals who you are when you no longer have to be nice." ~ Tim Ferriss
"Thirty ways to shape up for summer. Number one: eat less. Number two: exercise more. Number three: what was I talking about again? I’m so hungry"
– Maria Bamford
"One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas, I'll never know."
"I quit therapy because my analyst was trying to help me behind my back." - Richard Lewis
“Monday: One of those days when even when your coffee needs a coffee.”
"I go running when I have to. Like when the ice cream truck is doing sixty."
Wendy Liebman
“Babies: cry all flight long. Fall asleep during landing.”
You know you’re getting old when you stop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.
George Burns
“I really need a day in-between Sunday and Monday.”
“The biggest thing I remember is that there was just no transition. You hit the ground diapering.”
- Paul Reiser.
“Medidation, because some questions can’t be answered by Google.” — Inner Balance Wear
Gary Delaney
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
"Camping is a humanitarian effort to help feed hungry mosquitoes."
- Melanie White
"Food is an important part of a balanced diet." —Fran Lebowitz
"The pessimist complains about the wind; the optimist expects it to change; the realist adjusts the sails."
- William Arthur Ward
“Diaper backward spells repaid. Think about it.”
- Marshall McLuhan.
“People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day!” — Anonymous
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