“Anytime you see a turtle up on top of a fence post, you know he had some help."
- Alex Haley
"I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up."
"The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs, one step at a time."
― Joe Girard
A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.
Jerry Seinfeld
"No doubt a brain and some shoes are essential for marathon success. Although if it comes down to a choice, pick the shoes. More people finish marathons with no brains than with no shoes."
Don Kardong
"Why is there so much month left at the end of the money?" ~ John Barrymore
“When I say I won’t tell anyone, my best friend doesn’t count.”
— Unknown
“I don’t want any yes-men around me. I want everybody to tell me the truth even if it costs them their job.”
Samuel Goldwyn
“Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers.”
Homer Simpson
"If you were to open up a baby’s head – and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should – you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland." – Dave Barry
“Sagittarians are not normally sentimental; however, they can get really attached to a favorite sweater that has seen better days.”
— Therrie Rosenvald
“One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know."
- Groucho Marx
“‘Welcome to winter,’ one said. ‘When fifty percent of drivers should have their licenses temporarily suspended.'” — Kelley Armstrong
"My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes." — Emo Philips
“Always remember, a cat looks down on man, a dog looks up to man, but a pig will look man right in the eye and see his equal.”
- Sir Winston Churchill.
“After Monday and Tuesday, even the calendar says WTF.” — Anonymous
“The best thing about animals is that they don’t talk much.”
- Thornton Wilder.
“My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.”
Dave Barry
“No man goes before his time—unless the boss leaves early.” — Groucho Marx
"You may marry the man of your dreams, ladies, but fourteen years later you’re married to a couch that burps." - Roseanne Barr
"We must have a pie. Stress cannot exist in the presence of a pie."
– David Mamet
“Women prefer men who have something tender about them – especially the legal kind." ~Kay Ingram
“When I hear somebody sigh, “Life is hard”, I am always tempted to ask, “Compared to what?””
– Sydney Harris
"Europeans: I drove 40 minutes to spend the weekend in Paris, then popped to Germany to visit family on the way home. Australians: I was in Queensland and drove for 18 hours. Now I’m still in Queensland."
"I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing."
- Marsha Doble
"I don't do alcohol anymore—I get the same effect just standing up fast." - Anonymous
"You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred." —Woody Allen
A good speech should be like a woman's skirt: long enough to cover the subject and short enough to create interest.
Winston Churchill
“Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.”
- Alan Dundes
"Start slow, then taper off."
Walt Stack
“The quickest way for a parent to get a child's attention is to sit down and look comfortable.”
- Lane Olinghouse.
“It was nice growing up with someone like you—someone to lean on, someone to count on…someone to tell on!”—Unknown
"I am having an out-of-money experience." ~ Anonymous
“The average vacation is one-tenth playing—nine-tenths paying.”
–Arnold Glasow
“Parents of newborn babies are basically hostages in their own house with a severe case of Stockholm Syndrome.”
- Nate Smith.
"Instead of taking the pants off the taxpayer it might be better to take the vest off the vested interests."
— Mark Twain
“Friends give you a shoulder to cry on. But best friends are ready with a shovel to hurt the person that made you cry.”
— Unknown
"Most people work just hard enough to not get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit." ~ George Carline
"The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again."
Erma Bombeck
“I’ve drank multiple cups of coffee, and Monday isn’t looking any better. Hey – give me a beer. Let’s see if that helps.”
"Everyone is born equal in life, until they get married." — Anonymous
“I now pronounce you man and wife. You may now change your Facebook status.”—Anonymous
“Fond of doctors, little health, Fond of lawyers, little wealth.”
Proverb
“You are only young once. After that you have to think up some other excuse.” —Billy Arthur
“You should see my corgis at sunset in the snow. It’s their finest hour. About five o’clock they glow like copper. Then they come in and lie in front of the fire like a string of sausages.”
– Tasha Tudor
"I’m too busy working on my own grass to notice if yours is greener."
“The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you are not in shape for it, its too far to walk back.”
Andy Rooney
“I always give 100% at Work: 10% Monday, 23% Tuesday, 40% Wednesday, 22% Thursday, and 5% Friday.” –Anonymous
“Going to work for a large company is like getting on a train. Are you going sixty miles an hour or is the train going sixty miles an hour and you’re just sitting still?” — J. Paul Getty
“A tourist is a fellow who drives thousands of miles so he can be photographed standing in front of his car.”
– Emile Ganest
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