“When I hear somebody sigh, ‘Life is hard,’ I am always tempted to ask, ‘Compared to what?'”
Sydney J. Harris
“Money and women are the most sought after and the least known about of any two things we have.”— Will Rogers
“Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I’m not sure about the former.”
- Albert Einstein
“We’ve been friends for so long, I can’t remember which one of us is the bad influence.”
— Unknown
“A day without laughter is a day wasted.”
Charlie Chaplin
“Dogs laugh, but they laugh with their tails.”
- Max Eastman.
"The greatest thing in family life is to take a hint when a hint is intended and not to take a hint when a hint isn’t intended.”
- Robert Fros
“I love cleaning up messes I didn’t make. So I became a Mom.” – Unknown
Jonathan Swift
If at first you don’t succeed . . . so much for skydiving.
“Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today." ~ Herman Wouk
“Smiling is mouth yoga.” — Thich Nhat Hanh
“A perfect summer day is when the sun is shining, the breeze is blowing, the birds are singing, and the lawnmower is broken.”
– James Dent
“People are living longer than ever before, a phenomenon undoubtedly made necessary by the 30-year mortgage." ~Doug Larson
“Thank you, the day after Thanksgiving, or as the makers of sweatpants call it, 'the busy season.'" — Jimmy Fallon
“I’m stuck between “I need to save money.” and “You only live once.”” – Anonymous
“Winter blues are cured every time with a potato gratin paired with a roast chicken.”
– Alexandra Guarnaschelli
"As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two." - Sir Norman Wisdom
“Your basic extended family today includes your ex-husband or ex-wife, your ex’s new mate, your new mate, possibly your new mate’s ex and any new mate that your new mate’s ex has acquired.”
- Delia Ephron
"Do you have any idea how cheap stocks are? Wall Street is now being called Wall Mart Street." ~ Jay Leno
"When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life."
- Richard Lewis
“A good rule to remember for life is that when it comes to plastic surgery and sushi, never be attracted by a bargain.”
Graham Norton
“The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d rather not.“
Mark Twain
"It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like." —Jackie Mason
"If you want to know how old a woman is then ask her sister-in-law." - Edgar Howe
“Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.”
– Charles Schulz
“Do you think Abe Lincoln would have declared Thanksgiving a national holiday if he knew it would mean the Lions play every year?” — Conan O’Brien
“Like vinegar to the teeth, and smoke to the eyes, so are the lazy to their employers.” – Proverb 10:26
“Be a pineapple: stand tall, wear a crown, and be sweet on the inside.”
“Always get married in the morning. That way if it doesn’t work out, you haven’t wasted the whole day.”—Mickey Rooney
"Stupidity has a knack of getting its way."
- Albert Camus
"I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits. he other two are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves"
"I've been on a diet for two weeks and all I've lost is two weeks."
— Totie Fields
“When asked about my hiking plan I answered “Let’s summit up”.”
“I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.”
Les Dawson
“Don’t wear perfume in the garden – unless you want to be pollinated by bees.”
— Anne Raver
“Women prefer men who have something tender about them – especially the legal kind." ~Kay Ingram
“Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair.”
Sam Ewing
"Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you."
"The easiest time to fall asleep is just after turning off the alarm clock."
– Unknown
“Can he have this?” With first baby: “Is it organic and homemade?” After second baby: “He can have anything except narcotics and alcohol.” - Unknown
“If you are not killing plants, you are not really stretching yourself as a gardener.”
— J.C. Raulston
“The most important four words for a successful marriage: ‘I’ll do the dishes.’”—Anonymous
“Aging seems to be the only available way to live a long life.” - Kitty O’Neill Collins
George Burns
First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.
“I want to tell you about the "sausage principle." The theory says, "If you love something, never try to find out how it is done."”
― Unknown
"A weed is a plant that has mastered every survival skill except for learning how to grow in rows."
- Doug Larson
"Real gardeners buy at least ten thousand plants in the course of a lifetime without having the least idea where they'll put any of them when they get home."
— Anonymous
“It just occurred to me that the majority of my diet is made up of the foods that my kid didn’t finish.”
Carrie Underwood
"You don't pay taxes ― they take taxes."
― Chris Rock
“To make a million, start with $900,000.” - Morton Shulman.
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