"I'm a Taurus, and I defy you to find someone more stubborn, opinionated, and determined than me."
— Gary Garrison
“It’s money. I remember it from when I was single” — Billy Crystal
“Gardeners know the best dirt.”
— Anonymous
“I take my pet lion to church every Sunday. He has to eat.”
- Marty Pollio.
"Hope my relatives are getting along with the professional line sitter I hired to hold my place at the front of the Thanksgiving food line." -John Lyon
"Behind every successful man is a woman; behind her is his wife."
“Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.”
- Douglas Adams
"The main point of a cruise is to eat until you weigh the same as the boat."
“As I learned from growing up, you don’t mess with your grandmother.”—Prince William
"The difference between death and taxes is death doesn't get worse every time Congress meets."
- Will Rogers
“Who knew that the hardest part of being an adult is figuring out what to cook for dinner every single night for the rest of your life.”
― Unknown
"We contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle."
- Winston Churchill
“Never argue with stupid people, they will drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience.”
- Mark Twain
“Marriage is like a game of chess, except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.” - Jenny Seinfeld
I don't believe in astrology. The only stars I can blame for my failures are those that walk about the stage.
― Noel Coward
"Know your worth, and then make sure to add tax."
“The economy depends about as much on economists as the weather does on weather forecasters." ~Jean-Paul Kauffmann
"Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy."
“Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair.”
– George Burns
"You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jelly beans."
— Ronald Reagan
“I put my phone in airplane mode, but it’s not flying!"
“Parenting is a constant battle between going to bed to catch up on some sleep or staying awake to finally get some alone time.” — Anonymous
"I go to the gym three days a week. You have to or else - I don't want to be the guy that dies shoveling snow."
- Douglas Coupland
“Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.”
Chris Rock
"Parenthood is a lot easier to get into then out of." – Bruce Lansky
“I choose a lazy person to do a hard job, because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it.” — Bill Gates
“I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.”—Erma Bombeck
"If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire."
~ Cannon’s Law
"A good marriage is where each partner secretly suspects they got the better deal." - Anonymous
"Learn from the mistakes of others. You can’t live long enough to make them all yourself."
~ Anonymous
"I’m at that age where my back goes out more than I do." - Phyllis Diller
"A good marriage is like a casserole: Only those responsible for it really know what goes in it." - Unknown
"When you’re older, Friday means less parking spots." - Larry David
Except for an occasional heart attack I feel as young as I ever did.
Robert Benchley
“A pizza slice a day keeps sadness away.”
― Jet Paacal
“Sunday morning my head is bad. But it's worth all the time I had. But I've got to go and get some rest. For Monday is a mess!”
– Dave Bartholomew, Blue Monday
"Before I speak, I have something important to say."
“When you realize your self-worth you’ll stop giving people discounts.”
“It’s not easy being a mom. If it were easy, fathers would do it.”—Betty White
“Real friends don’t get offended when you insult them. They smile and call you something even more offensive.”
— Unknown
“Everyone wants me to be a morning person. I could be one, only if morning began after noon.”
— Tony Smite
“If Patrick Henry thought that taxation without representation was bad, he should see how bad it is with representation.”
– Farmer’s Almanac
“Your typical six-year-old is a paradoxical little person.”
- Louise Bates Ames.
“Never underestimate the therapeutic power of driving and listening to very loud music.”
“When I was ten, my family moved to Downer’s Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them.”
- Emo Phillips.
"Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache."
- Mae West
“You know there is a name for people who are always wrong about everything all the time... Husband!” —Bill Maher
"One of the many things nobody ever tells you about middle age is that it’s such a nice change from being young." – Dorothy Canfield Fisher
“During summer vacation, you get to do all your favorite things; cook hot dogs over a campfire (while being eaten alive by mosquitoes).”
– Bruce Lansky
“You can tell what was the best year of your father’s life because they seem to freeze that clothing style and ride it out.” – Jerry Seinfeld
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