“Cauliflower is a cabbage with a college education.”
— Mark Twain
“The only thing that ever sat its way to success was a hen.” — Sarah Brown
I have a love interest in every one of my films: a gun.
Arnold Schwarzenegger
“If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.”—George Bernard Shaw
“I suppose I will die never knowing what pumpkin pie tastes like when you have room for it.” —Robert Brault
“Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.” — George Carlin
“Summer is the annual permission slip to be lazy.”
– Regina Brett
“You cannot be anything if you want to be everything.”
Solomon Schechter
“The learned fool writes his nonsense in better language than the unlearned, but still ‘this nonsense.”
– Benjamin Franklin
“If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.”
Dalai Lama
“When gorillas are sleeping, you can hide a bunch of raisins in their fur, and then they’ll have an exciting treat the next day."
- Guy Endore Kaiser
“A new survey found that 80 percent of men claim they help cook Thanksgiving dinner. Which makes sense when you hear them consider saying ‘that smells good’ to be helping.” —Jimmy Fallon
“Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life!”
"He was happily married - but his wife wasn't."
- Victor Borge
“Where are we? About halfway…to somewhere.”
"Reaching under the couch for something is the closest I'll ever get to yoga."
- Grant Tucker
"If I’d known I was going to live this long, I’d have taken better care of myself." - Anonymous
Fame changes a lot of things, but it can't change a light bulb.
Gilda Radner
"Bulb: potential flower buried in Autumn, never to be seen again."
- Henry Beard
“Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread, and pumpkin pie.” —Jim Davis
"When I asked you to water the plants,
I did not expect you'd unzip your pants."
- Mike Garofalo
All my friends complaint about not feeling good, and are freaking out about their lives, and I’m just like, “There’s Yoga pose for that!” — Unknown
"Wise men speak because they have something to say; fools because they have to say something."
- Plato
“Family life is a bit like a runny peach pie, not perfect but who’s complaining?”
- Robert Brault.
"Eating words has never given me indigestion." —Winston Churchill
“If you eliminate smoking and gambling, you will be amazed to find that almost all an Englishman’s pleasures can be, and mostly are, shared by his dog.”
George Bernard Shaw
“Find a job you like and you add five days to every week."
~ H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
“Money can’t buy you happiness, but it can buy you a yacht big enough to pull up right alongside it." ~ David Lee Roth
"I love running cross country. On a track, I feel like a hamster."
Robin Williams
“If all the economists were laid end to end, they’d never reach a conclusion." ~George Bernard Shaw
“One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one’s work is terribly important.” — Bertrand Russell
"I didn’t get old on purpose, it just happened. If you’re lucky, it could happen to you." – Andy Ronney
“Make yourself look really stupid so you don’t feel bad doing something a little stupid.”
- Mark Hoppus
"Life is a moderately good play with a badly written third act." - Truman Capote
"I bought my wife a ticket to go on a cruise. It's no Titanic, but I'm optimistic."
“Seize the moment. Remember all those women on the Titanic who waved off the dessert cart.”
― Erma Bombeck
“I like tea and yoga, but I don’t do yoga.” – Moby
"Act like a horse. Be dumb. Just run."
Jumbo Elliot
“It’s money. I remember it from when I was single” — Billy Crystal
“Some mornings I wake up grouchy. Other mornings I just let him sleep.”—Unknown
"Dogs have no money. Isn’t that amazing? They’re broke their entire lives. But they get through. Do you know why dogs have no money? .. No Pockets." ~ Jerry Seinfeld
“I am not worried about the deficit. It is big enough to take care of itself." ~ Ronald Reagan
I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.
Frank Sinatra
“Do what we can, summer will have its flies.”
-Ralph Waldo Emerson
"My inner advisor is dying to heal me." - Astrid Alauda
“Being a couch potato is dangerous, someone may get hungry and eat you!”
― Unknown
"Being on vacation with my family has brought me so much closer to my iPad."
“The only exercise I’ve done this month is running out of money"
“I have such an ego ’cause I’m a double Leo. I can’t let go of me, you know, so it’s very difficult for me to be somebody else and not me. I’m so into me.”
— Paul Mooney
"I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30."
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