"Stupidity is like a giant car heading towards a brick wall and everyone's arguing over where they're going to sit."
“Diet day #1: All the unhealthy food has been removed from the house. It was delicious.”
― Unknown
"Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest."
- Professor Irwin Corey
"Regrets are the natural property of grey hairs." - Charles Dickens
"Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them."
- Bill Maher
“I’d like to publicly thank my husband [Dax Shepard] for changing half the diapers in our house. I hope he changes all of mine one day…”—Kristen Bell
“God put me on this Earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now, I am so far behind I will never die."
~ Bill Watterson
“I am a very committed wife. And I should be committed, too—for being married so many times.” —Elizabeth Taylor
"I am proud to be paying taxes in the United States. The only thing is I could be just as proud for half of the money."
- Arthur Godfrey
"I intend to live forever, or die trying."
“Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.” – Thomas Edison
“Somedays you eat salad and go do Yoga. Somedays you eat cupcakes and refuse to put on pants. This is called balance.” — Unknown
"A Scorpio will carry his grudge into the afterlife if necessary to get his revenge."
— Everett A. Blackman
“The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs… one step at a time.” — Joe Girard
“When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason, there’s a reason.” - Molly McGee
“12 weeks old: when your kid is young enough to fall asleep on your chest, yet long enough to kick you in the nuts at the same time.” – Lin-Manuel Miranda
“Money can’t buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery." ~ Spike Milligan
"Sometimes I wonder how you put up with me, but then I remember I put up with you, so we're even." - Unknown
This is the sort of English up with which I will not put.
Winston Churchill
"The 12-step chocoholics program: Never be more than 12 steps away from chocolate!"
— Terry Moore
“Money and women. They’re two of the strongest things in the world. The things you do for a woman you wouldn’t do for anything else. Same with money.” — Satchel Paige
"Europeans: I drove 40 minutes to spend the weekend in Paris, then popped to Germany to visit family on the way home. Australians: I was in Queensland and drove for 18 hours. Now I’m still in Queensland."
“Ah, summer, what power you have to make us suffer and like it.”
-Russell Baker
“My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.”
― Henny Youngman
"I lost some weight once, but I found it again in the fridge."
— Unknown
"When your friends begin to flatter you on how young you look, it’s a sure sign you’re getting old." - Mark Twain
“We’ve all done this because we’re so mature. You see a cow on the side of the road, stick your head out the window and go, “Mooooo!” Like we expect the cow to think, “Hey, there’s another cow, driving that car! How can he afford that?”
- Garry Shandling.
“Family is a blessing. Just keep saying that when you are irritated by something a family member says.”
- Marcelina Hardy
“I’m looking forward to seeing pie this Thanksgiving more than members of my own family.” —Damien Fahey
“A father is someone who carries pictures in his wallet where his money used to be” — unknown
“If you think your boss is stupid, remember: you wouldn’t have a job if he was any smarter.” — John Gotti
“To hike is to complain.” – Dean Johnston
“Thanksgiving, man. Not a good day to be my pants.” —Kevin James
“Running: Cheaper than therapy.”
-seen on runner’s T-shirt
“I do yoga to burn off the crazy” — Anonymous
“If you’re going through hell, keep going.”
— Winston Churchill
“How is it that the first piece of luggage on the airport carousel never belongs to everyone?”
— George Roberts
"It's income tax time again, Americans: time to gather up those receipts, get out those tax forms, sharpen up that pencil, and stab yourself in the aorta."
— Dave Barry
“SMONDAY: The moment when Sunday stops feeling like a Sunday and the anxiety of Monday kicks in.”
“Driving is boring,” Rabbit pontificates, “but it’s what we do. Most of American life is driving somewhere and then driving back wondering why the hell you went.”
– John Updike
Of all the books in the world, the best stories are found between the pages of a passport.
"When your “mom voice” is so loud even the neighbors brush their teeth and get dressed." - Unknown
Bob Hope
I have Alzheimer’s bulimia – first I eat everything in sight and then I forget to puke.
“I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance—waiting for the bathroom.”—Bob Hope
"Listen, smile, agree, and then do whatever you were gonna do anyway."
― Robert Downey Jr.
“No matter how calmly you try to referee, parenting will eventually produce bizarre behavior, and I’m not talking about the kids. Their behavior is always normal.”
- Bill Cosby.
“If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?”
- Milton Berle.
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
Jules Renard
“When I hear somebody sigh, ‘Life is hard,’ I am always tempted to ask, ‘Compared to what?'”
Sydney J. Harris
"Worried about an IRS audit? Avoid what's called a red flag. That's something the IRS always looks for. For example, say you have some money left in your bank account after paying taxes. That's a red flag."
― Jay Leno
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