“October: This is one of the particularly dangerous months to invest in stocks. Other dangerous months are July, January, September, April, November, May, March, June, December, August and February.” Mark Twain
Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.
Benjamin Franklin
“You drink too much. Cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You’re everything I ever wanted in a friend.”
— Unknown
"Yesterday I read the horoscope and it was written:" Born of Gemini will be happy in 2018. "I was very sad that I didn't have a twin."
“The inventor of cobblestones was clearly not communicating with the inventor of luggage wheels.”
"Some people would fall in or out of love with you if you lose or gain a few kilos."
- Mokokoma Mokhonoana
“What we’re really talking about is a wonderful day set aside on the fourth Thursday of November when no one diets. I mean, why else would they call it Thanksgiving?” — Erma Bombeck
"Better to keep silent and let people think you are a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt."
- Abraham Lincoln
“Anyone who can walk to the welfare office can walk to work."
~ Al Capp
“Half the modern could drugs well be thrown out the window, except that the birds might eat them.”
Unknown
“Yoga pants. Because jeans are stressful and you don’t need that in your life.” -Unknown
"Food is an important part of a balanced diet." —Fran Lebowitz
"You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake." – Bob Hope
“I am having an out of money experience." ~Author Unknown
“It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.”—Rodney Dangerfield
“Parenting Tip: If your child is crying, hold it close and whisper, 'You don’t have a clue what horrors this world holds.'”
- Rob Delaney.
“When there’s snow on the ground L like to pretend I'm walking on clouds.”
"I like nonsense, it wakes up the brain cells. Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living. It's a way of looking at life through the wrong end of a telescope. Which is what I do, and that enables you to laugh at life's realities." - Dr. Seuss
"The older I get, the more clearly I remember things that never happened. - Mark Twain
"Like all bad drivers, he thought he was the best driver in the world."
- Rebecca West
"Staying in bed all day is my way of saving money." ~ Anonymous
“Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring: ‘How to Build a Boat.’”
Steven Wright
"After a good dinner, one can forgive anybody, even one's own relations."
— Oscar Wilde
Bob Hope
I have Alzheimer’s bulimia – first I eat everything in sight and then I forget to puke.
"A Cancer's bed is their sanctuary. Therefore, if you can't find them, look under the down comforter."
— Unknown
"Aries people pick up steam while everyone else is running out of gas."
— Joanna Martine Woolfolk
“Money can’t buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery." ~ Spike Milligan
“Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.”
- Alan Dundes
“Who knew that the hardest part of being an adult is figuring out what to cook for dinner every single night for the rest of your life.”
― Unknown
“Everyone wants me to be a morning person. I could be one, only if morning began after noon.”
— Tony Smite
“Why is Monday so far from Friday? And why is Friday so close to Monday?”
“You are as helpful as a blister on a hike.”
"You have no reason to fear zombies, do you?"
Anonymous
“They say that there can never be two snowflakes that are exactly alike, but has anyone checked lately?”
– Terry Pratchett
“I can’t cook a Thanksgiving dinner. All I can make is cold cereal and maybe toast.” —Charlie Brown
“This crisp winter air is full of it.” – John Burroughs
“Let’s face it, I only practice yoga because the classes are always packed with beautiful women.” — Adam Levine
"There are two ways of waking up in the morning. One is to say, 'Good morning, God,' and the other is to say, 'Good God, morning'!"
– Fulton J. Sheen.
"I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage." -Erma Bombeck
“There are much easier things in life than finding a good man. Nailing Jell-O to a tree, for instance.”
Anonymous
“All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner.” — Red Skelton
"The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not."
— Mark Twain
“You can always tell about somebody by the way they put their hands on an animal.”
- Betty White.
“If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it." ~Author Unknown
"Never eat more than you can lift"- Miss Piggy.
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"I tried every diet in the book. I tried some that weren't in the book. I tried eating the book. It tasted better than most of the diets."- Dolly Parton
"I went out with a guy once who told me I didn’t need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, 'I’m drinking so that you’re more fun to be around.'"
- Chelsea Handler
"I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it."
"One man alone can be pretty dumb sometimes, but for real bona fide stupidity, nothin' can beat teamwork."
- Edward Abbey
“Medidation, because some questions can’t be answered by Google.” — Inner Balance Wear
"There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, 'Yes,' you know he is a crook."
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