"Patience is not a virtue for Aries. The phrase Speak now or forever hold your peace, was probably created by an impatient Aries."
— Dr. Atara
"The bravest thing that men do is love women." — Mort Sahl
"Dogs have no money. Isn’t that amazing? They’re broke their entire lives. But they get through. Do you know why dogs have no money? .. No Pockets." ~ Jerry Seinfeld
“Silence is golden…unless you have kids, then silence is just suspicious.” - Anonymous
"Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell."
- Joan Crawford
“Money is the opposite of the weather. Nobody talks about it, but everybody does something about it.” – Rebecca Johnson
"Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight." – Phyllis Diller
"Women love a self-confident bald man."
- Larry David.
"I have a rock garden. Last week three of them died."
- Richard Diran
“A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.”
- Jerry Seinfeld.
“Anybody who tells you money can’t buy happiness never had any.” —Samuel L. Jackson
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
Jules Renard
"Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them."
- Bill Maher
“When life gives you lemons, chunk it right back.”
Bill Watterson
"If your doctor's last name is Google, it's time to get a second opinion…" - Toni Bernhard, J.D.
"Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?"
“When life hands you lemons, give them back. You deserve chocolate.”
― Unknown
“It’s a bit unnerving That doctors call what they do practice.”
Unknown
I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ. -- Mahatma Ghandi
“Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.” - Steven Wright
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“Hiking—much like drinking—is something that sounds more fun to the uninitiated than it actually is.” – Mindy McGinnis
"Luck is a dividend of sweat. The more you sweat, the luckier you get."
~ Ray Kroc
“Best Friend: One million memories, ten thousand inside jokes, one hundred shared secrets.”
— Unknown
"My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people."
— Orson Welles
"It's funny when people think 'yoga people' are supposed to be calm. No. We're all here because we're nuts." — Unknown
“I am patient with stupidity but not with those who are proud of it.”
- Edith Sitwell
"If the poor overweight jogger only knew how far he had to run to work off the calories in a crust of bread he might find it better in terms of pound per mile to go to a massage parlor."
- Christiaan Barnard
“Anywhere is walking distance if you have got the time.”
Steven Wright
"Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your retirement home."- Phyllis Diller
"A Scorpio will carry his grudge into the afterlife if necessary to get his revenge."
— Everett A. Blackman
“All the things I like to do are either immoral, illegal, or fattening.” —Alexander Woollcott
“When preparing to travel, lay out all your clothes and all your money. Then take half the clothes and twice the money.”
— Susan Heller
"There are two kinds of travel – first class and with children."
– Robert Benchley
“What we’re really talking about is a wonderful day set aside on the fourth Thursday of November when no one diets. I mean, why else would they call it Thanksgiving?” — Erma Bombeck
"A change of latitude would help my attitude."
The number of followers you have doesn't make you better than anyone else. Hitler had millions, Jesus had 12. -- Anonymous
"The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you're not in shape for it, it's too far to walk back"- Franklin P. Jones
"The trouble with being a parent is that by the time you are experienced, you are unemployed." – Anonymous
“Humans are not proud of their ancestors, and rarely invite them round to dinner.”
- Douglas Adams.
"Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional" - Chili Davis
"I miss crawling into a man’s arm, kissing his neck, saying those three little words into his ear, 'And another thing ...'” — Felicia Michaels
"If you're using two-pound weights, how did you even open the door to the gym?"
- Dave Attell
“Dear Monday, my mama doesn’t like you and she likes everyone.”
Thanksgiving sucks where it is now. It’s too close to Christmas. We don’t need back-to-back holidays where we go home and sleep on a twin bed after mainlining gravy.” — Seth Meyers
"Doctors are always working to preserve our health and cooks to destroy it, but the latter are the more often successful." - Denis Diderot
“People who say they sleep like a baby usually don’t have one.”
- Leo Burke.
“I’m giving thanks that we don’t have to go through this for another year.” — Adele Larson, “Home for the Holidays”
“I’d like to have a kid, but I’m not sure I’m ready to spend 10 years of my life constantly asking someone where his shoes are.”
Damien Fahey
"The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he’s a baby."
- Natalie Wood.
“My wife is a psychologist… Not only does she know when I’m being a jerk, but she knows exactly what type of jerk I’m being.”—Lee Judge
“Someone asked me why women don’t gamble as much as men do, and I gave the commonsensical reply that we don’t have as much money. That was a true and incomplete answer. In fact, women’s total instinct for gambling is satisfied by marriage.” – Gloria Steinem
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