"And I want to thank you for all the enjoyment you've taken out of it."
"Know your worth, and then make sure to add tax."
“I probably wouldn’t kill so many houseplants if they could scream for food and water the way my pets and children do.”
— Anonymous
"Humor keeps us alive. Humor and food. Don't forget food. You can go a week without laughing."
— Joss Whedon
“Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee.”
- David Frost.
“To shorten winter, borrow some money due in spring. ” — W.J. Vogel
"Hard work is damn near as overrated as monogamy."
~ Huey Long
“If you’re searching for that one person that will change your life, take a look in the mirror.”
“Family ties mean that no matter how much you might want to run from your family, you can’t.”—Unknown
“If any of you cry at my funeral I’ll never speak to you again.”
Stan Laurel
"Only on a cruise shiip will you pay hundreds of dollar a day to sleep in a closet."
“Keep calm and pretend it’s not Monday.”
"Accountant after reading a nursery rhyme to his child: “No, son. It wouldn't be tax deductible when Little Bo Peep loses her sheep. But I like your thinking."
"There's always something to be thankful for on Thanksgiving. Even if it's just not being a turkey." -Unknown
“No matter how calmly you try to referee, parenting will eventually produce bizarre behavior, and I’m not talking about the kids. Their behavior is always normal.”
- Bill Cosby.
"At my age ‘getting lucky’ means walking into a room and remembering what I came in for." - Unknown
“My daughter just lost her first tooth, which is a very sweet moment for a dad. In retrospect, I do regret punching her so hard in the face.”
- Alan Cox.
“It snowed last year too: I made a snowman and my brother knocked it down and I knocked my brother down and then we had tea.”
– Dylan Thomas
"If you can survive 11 days in cramped quarters with a friend and come out laughing, your friendship is the real deal."
— Oprah Winfrey
“I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.” — Charles Lamb
"There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, 'Yes,' you know he is a crook."
“The best things in life are free, but sooner or later the government will find a way to tax them.”
“It’s always darkest before the dawn. So if you’re going to steal your neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.”
Navjot Singh Sidhu
"What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds."
- Cindy Garner.
“Love and sausage are alike. Can never have enough of either.”
— Trixie Koontz
“It’s the 21st century. I don’t need an alpha male to protect me. I don’t need a big, strong man to fight off a tiger. I need a geek who can get my naked photos off the cloud.” — Whitney Cummings
“Never doubt the courage of the French. They were the ones who discovered that snails are edible.”
Doug Larson
“No animal should ever jump up on the dining-room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation."
- Fran Lebowitz
“Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid.”
- Mark Twain.
“Having a baby dragged me, kicking and screaming, from the world of self-absorption.”
- Paul Reiser.
“Last Thanksgiving, I shot my own turkey. It was fun. That shotgun going, blam! Everybody at the supermarket just staring. Why track them when I know where they are?” —Kenny Rogerson
“I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn’t a professional, the knife had butter on it.”
Rodney Dangerfield
“Americans will put up with anything provided it doesn’t block traffic.”
– Dan Rather
“My favorite animal is steak."
- Fran Lebowitz
“You should see my corgis at sunset in the snow. It’s their finest hour. About five o’clock they glow like copper. Then they come in and lie in front of the fire like a string of sausages.”
– Tasha Tudor
“If you can find a path with no obstacles, it probably doesn’t lead anywhere.” – Frank A. Clark
“Money can’t buy you happiness, but it can buy you a yacht big enough to pull up right alongside it." ~ David Lee Roth
"You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance."
– Franklin P. Jones
Jonathan Swift
If at first you don’t succeed . . . so much for skydiving.
“Cats are smarter than dogs. You can’t get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.” —Jeff Valdez
"Marriage is like a walk in the park. Jurassic Park." - Anonymous
"It's unnatural for people to run around the city streets unless they are thieves or victims. It makes people nervous to see someone running. I know that when I see someone running on my street, my instincts tell me to let the dog go after him."
Mike Royko
“When a fellow says it ain’t the money but the principle of the thing, it’s the money.” – Artemus Ward
“Talking about music is like dancing about architecture.”
Steve Martin
"Pollen- when flowers can't keep it in their plants"
“A car’s weakest part is the nut holding the steering wheel.”
“I think Smithers picked me because of my motivational skills. Everyone says they have to work a lot harder when I’m around.” — Homer Simpson
“The quickest way for a parent to get a child's attention is to sit down and look comfortable.”
- Lane Olinghouse.
"The first 40 years of parenthood are always the hardest." – Unknown
“My advice to you is get married: If you find a good wife you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher.” —Socrates
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