“People are living longer than ever before, a phenomenon undoubtedly made necessary by the 30-year mortgage." ~Doug Larson
"I miss crawling into a man’s arm, kissing his neck, saying those three little words into his ear, 'And another thing ...'” — Felicia Michaels
“What we’re really talking about is a wonderful day set aside on the fourth Thursday of November when no one diets. I mean, why else would they call it Thanksgiving?” — Erma Bombeck
“People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day!” — Anonymous
“You can tell what was the best year of your father’s life because they seem to freeze that clothing style and ride it out.” – Jerry Seinfeld
We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.
Rodney Dangerfield
"You ever look for the remote control, but you can't find it, so you just decide, 'Ah, guess I'm not watching TV. I'm not gonna take two steps and turn it on myself. I'll go to the gym if I'm going to work out.'"
- Jim Gaffigan.
“Family is just accident...They don’t mean to get on your nerves. They don’t even mean to be your family, they just are.”
- Marsha Norman
"If the poor overweight jogger only knew how far he had to run to work off the calories in a crust of bread he might find it better in terms of pound per mile to go to a massage parlor."
- Christiaan Barnard
"At fifty, everyone has the face he deserves." - George Orwell
“I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it by not dying.”
Woody Allen
"Most people work just hard enough to not get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit." ~ George Carline
"They say true love hides in every corner. I must be walking in circles." - Unknown
The temperature can only go up from here.
“When there’s snow on the ground L like to pretend I'm walking on clouds.”
"Everyone’s a little bit crazy and a little bit loud. But everyone’s sharing a generous amount of love."
“I take my pet lion to church every Sunday. He has to eat.”
- Marty Pollio.
"Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." — Jules Renard
“The most affectionate creature in the world is a wet dog.”
- Ambrose Bierce.
“Becoming a mom to me means that you have accepted that for the next 16 years of your life, you will have a sticky purse.”
- Nia Vardalos.
“Eating words has never given me indigestion.”
Unknown
"The British soldier can stand up to anything except the British War Office."
~ George Bernard Shaw
“A lady’s imagination is very rapid; it jumps from admiration to love, from love to matrimony in a moment.” - Jane Austen, 'Pride and Prejudice'
“Old age isn’t so bad when you consider the alternative.” – Maurice Chevalier
"I’m so old that my blood type is discontinued." - Bill Dane
“Almost every Aquarius is a rebel. Give them a guide and they won’t follow it. Tell them there’s a dress code and they’ll show up wearing nothing at all.”
— Alex Dimitrov and Dorothea Lasky
“I love the early hours of the day. It’s a nice place to visit but I wouldn’t want to live there.”
— James Lileks
"Family: A social unit where the father is concerned with parking space, the children with outer space, and the mother with closet space." - Evan Esar
"People who say “Good morning” should be forced to prove it."
– Unknown
“I celebrated Thanksgiving the old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.” —Jon Stewart
"The average, healthy, well-adjusted adult gets up at seven-thirty in the morning feeling just plain terrible."
— Jean Kerr
"A perfect summer day is when the sun is shining, the breeze is blowing, the birds are singing, and the lawn mower is broken."
- James Dent
"The first 40 years of parenthood are always the hardest." – Unknown
“In order to maintain a well-balanced perspective, the person who has a dog to worship him should also have a cat to ignore him.” —Peterborough Examiner, Canada
“If there are ice cream trucks in the summer then why aren’t there Starbucks trucks in the winter?”
"You get two for the price of one when you are a Gemini."
— Karan Johar
“My wife is a psychologist… Not only does she know when I’m being a jerk, but she knows exactly what type of jerk I’m being.”—Lee Judge
“To like and dislike the same things, that is what makes a solid friendship.”
— Sallust
“A diamond is merely a lump of coal that did well under pressure.” — Henry Kissenger
“There is no such thing as bad weather, only different kinds of good weather.”
– John Ruskin
“When late morning rolls around and you’re feeling a bit out of sorts, don’t worry; you’re probably just a little eleven o’clockish.”
– Unknown
“You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.”
George Burns
"A fruit is a vegetable with looks and money. Plus, if you let fruit rot, it turns into wine, something Brussels sprouts never do."
– P. J. O’Rourke
"When reality and dreams collide, typically it’s just your alarm clock going off.”
— Crystal Woods
“Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, you’ll be a mile from them, and you’ll have their shoes.”
- Jack Handey
“The tax collector must love poor people, he’s creating so many of them.”
– Bill Vaughan
“I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.”
Zach Galifianakis
“I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.”—Erma Bombeck
“Never raise your hand to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.” – Red Buttons
"Backpacking is money spent on education."
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