"Money is like a sixth sense – and you can’t make use of the other five without it." ~ William Somerset Maugham
“I’m not aging, I just need repotting.”
— Anonymous
“I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.” – Lily Tomlin
The number of followers you have doesn't make you better than anyone else. Hitler had millions, Jesus had 12. -- Anonymous
“Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.” - Phyllis Diller
“If you’re going through hell, keep going.”
— Winston Churchill
“Teach your kids to spend more time annoying each other so they have less time to spend annoying you.”—Unknown
"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read."
"I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap." - Bob Hope
"You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake." – Bob Hope
“When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.”
Rita Rudner
“Money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy you the kind of misery you prefer." ~Author Unknown
"There can be no taxation without misrepresentation."
— J.B. Handelsman
“Good morning world! Your little ray of sarcastic sunshine has arrived.”
– Unknown
"Hope my relatives are getting along with the professional line sitter I hired to hold my place at the front of the Thanksgiving food line." -John Lyon
“You define a good flight by negatives: you didn’t get hijacked, you didn’t crash, you didn’t throw up, you weren’t late, you weren’t nauseated by the food. So you are grateful.”
– Paul Theroux
"The taxpayer: that's someone who works for the federal government, but doesn't have to take a civil service examination."
- Ronald Reagan
“Friendship must be built on a solid foundation of alcohol, sarcasm, inappropriateness and shenanigans.”
— Unknown
"Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died." —Erma Bombeck
“When it snows you have two choices. Shovel or snow angels.”
"The word aerobics came about when the gym instructors got together and said, 'If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it jumping up and down'" - Rita Rudner
“Early to bed and early to rise probably indicates unskilled labor.” – John Ciardi
“Marathoners: Life is too easy. I must find a way to make it much much harder.”
-Glennon Doyle, best-selling author
Prejudice is a great time saver. You can form opinions without having to get the facts.
E. B. White
“A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.”
Winston Churchill
“If you have friends who are as weird as you, then you have everything.”
— Unknown
“Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone.”
Anthony Burgess
"There’s one advantage to being 102, there’s no peer pressure." - Dennis Wolfberg
"In some families, 'please' is described as the magic word. In our house, however, it was 'sorry.'" - Margaret Laurence
"Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight." – Phyllis Diller
“Going to work for a large company is like getting on a train. Are you going sixty miles an hour or is the train going sixty miles an hour and you’re just sitting still?"
~ J. Paul Getty
“I think if we tell people that the brain is an app, they will start using it.”
Anonymous
"When the waitress asked if I wanted my pizza cut into four or eight slices, I said, 'Four. I don't think I can eat eight."
— Yogi Berra
"There is a very easy way to return from a casino with a small fortune: go there with a large one." ~ Jack Yelton
“Because the greatest part of a road trip isn’t arriving at your destination. It’s all the wild stuff that happens along the way.”
– Emma Chase
“A road trip is a way for the whole family to spend time together and annoy each other in interesting new places.”
– Tom Lichtenheld
“I bought a calming tea but the smell and taste is making me nervous.”
― Unknown
"Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know."
Bob Monkhouse
“It’s been a tough week. I bought myself a memory foam mattress and now it’s trying to blackmail me.”
"Older people shouldn't eat health food. They need all the preservatives they can get." —Robert Orben
“When a man tells you that he got rich through hard work, ask him: ‘Whose?'” — Don Marquis
"Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough"
“I’m spending a year dead for tax reasons.”
— Douglas Adams
Trust is like a mirror, you can fix it if it's broken, but you can still see the crack in that bastard's reflection.
Lady Gaga
“Hard work spotlights the character of people: some turn up their sleeves, some turn up their noses, and some don’t turn up at all.” – Sam Ewing
“I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.”
- John Lyon.
“A perfect summer day is when the sun is shining, the breeze is blowing, the birds are singing, and the lawnmower is broken.”
– James Dent
"It is the dull man who is always sure and the sure man who is always dull."
— H.L. Mencken
“If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? Do they get smart just in time to ask questions?”
– Scott Adams
“Think of how stupid the average person is and realize half of them are stupider than that.”
– George Carlin
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