“They laugh at me because I’m different: I laugh at them because they’re all the same.”
“Dear Monday, my mama doesn’t like you and she likes everyone.”
Of all the books in the world, the best stories are found between the pages of a passport.
“SMONDAY: The moment when Sunday stops feeling like a Sunday and the anxiety of Monday kicks in.”
"My wife had us register for fine china, because you never know when the Pope is going to swing by and want a microwaved hot dog on a $200 plate." — Jim Gaffigan
"I am pretty sure that, if you will be quite honest, you will admit that a good rousing sneeze, one that tears open your collar and throws your hair into your eyes, is really one of life's sensational pleasures." - Robert Benchley
“Sisters never quite forgive each other for what happened when they were five.”—Pam Brown
“No matter how much cats fight, there always seem to be plenty of kittens." - Abraham Lincoln
"The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you're not in shape for it, it's too far to walk back."
Franklin Jones
"Life is a moderately good play with a badly written third act." - Truman Capote
“Always get married in the morning. That way if it doesn’t work out, you haven’t wasted the whole day.”—Mickey Rooney
“Love, n. A temporary insanity curable by marriage.” — Ambrose Bierce
“My friend was attacked by a duck. I yelled “duck!” to warn him, but it just made it worse.”
- Kelkulus.
“Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.”
Dale Carnegie
"I miss crawling into a man’s arm, kissing his neck, saying those three little words into his ear, 'And another thing ...'” — Felicia Michaels
"If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you."
"The income tax created more criminals than any other single act of government."
- Barry Goldwater
“When a man tells you that he got rich through hard work, ask him: ‘Whose?'” — Don Marquis
“Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.”
– Charles Schulz
"You can live to be a hundred if you give up all things that make you want to live to be a hundred." - Woody Allen
“I am a very committed wife. And I should be committed, too—for being married so many times.” —Elizabeth Taylor
"Backpacking is money spent on education."
"Drive slow and enjoy the scenery - drive fast and join the scenery."
- Douglas Horton
"Instead of taking the pants off the taxpayer it might be better to take the vest off the vested interests."
— Mark Twain
"I've never known a person who lives to be 110 who is remarkable for anything else." —Josh Billings
“It’s a shame that the only thing a man can do for eight hours a day is work. He can’t eat for eight hours; he can’t drink for eight hours; he can’t make love for eight hours. The only thing a man can do for eight hours is work.” — William Faulkner
“Having kids makes you look stable to the people who thought you were crazy and crazy to the people who thought you were stable.” – Kelly Oxford
“Luckily, today has been canceled. Go back to bed.”
– Unknown
“I’d like to publicly thank my husband [Dax Shepard] for changing half the diapers in our house. I hope he changes all of mine one day…”—Kristen Bell
"I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30."
I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.
Douglas Adams
“If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question.”—Lily Tomlin
“On our 6 a.m. walk, my daughter asked where the moon goes each morning. I let her know it’s in heaven, visiting Daddy’s freedom.” – Ryan Reynolds
“Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.”—Kathy Mohnke
"Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell."
- Joan Crawford
"Carbs are the answer. No matter the question."
— Unknown
“Sorry, I can’t hear you over the sound of how awesome I am.”
— Harvey Specter
We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.
Rodney Dangerfield
“I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.”
Rodney Dangerfield
"At age 20, we worry about what others think of us… at age 40, we don’t care what they think of us… at age 60, we discover they haven’t been thinking of us at all." - Ann Landers
“Who is rich? He that is content. Who is that? Nobody.” – Benjamin Franklin
"The average, healthy, well-adjusted adult gets up at seven-thirty in the morning feeling just plain terrible."
— Jean Kerr
“Dogs teach us a very important lesson in life: the mailman is not to be trusted.”—Sian Ford
“How did my driving test go? You could say I mailed it!”
"Why don't you go home to your wife? Better yet, I'll go home to your wife, and outside of the improvement, she won't notice any difference."
“I don’t want any yes-men around me. I want everybody to tell me the truth even if it costs them their job.”
Samuel Goldwyn
“If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?”
- Milton Berle.
“Never doubt the courage of the French. They were the ones who discovered that snails are edible.”
Doug Larson
"A Taurus always appears to be calm and steady, even when they feel like punching you in the face."
— Unknown
“Tax day is the day that ordinary Americans send their money to Washington, D.C., and wealthy Americans send their money to the Cayman Islands.”
– Jimmy Kimmel
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