"Crabgrass can grow on bowling balls in airless rooms, and there is no known way to kill it that does not involve nuclear weapons."
- Dave Barry
"Every morning is a battle between the superego and the id, and I am a mere foot soldier with mud and a snooze button on her shield."
— Catherynne Valente
“Man cannot live by bread alone; he must have peanut butter.”
James A. Garfield
"Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing." —Redd Foxx
“It’s just another manic Monday. I wish it was Sunday. ‘Cause, that’s my fun day. My, I don’t have to run day.”
— Prince Rogers Nelson
“An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.”
― Unknown
“The most obnoxious thing in the world is to listen to others drone on about how much they love the heat.”
“What is the only flaw of being intelligent?…that you have to deal with stupid people.”
Anonymous
“A loyal friend laughs at your jokes when they’re not so good, and sympathizes with your problems when they’re not so bad.”
— Arnold H. Glasgow
"You know you are getting old when everything hurts, and what doesn’t hurt doesn’t work." - Hy Gardner
“I’m like Pacman when I’m at a party, I eat everything and run away from anyone coming close to me.”
― Unknown
“Money doesn’t solve all problems but it could solve my money problem.” – Anonymous
"Today, you’re 50. Now we can round your age up to 100! Happy 50th birthday!" - Dave Barry"
“Dear winter, I’m breaking up with you. I think it’s time I start seeing other seasons. Summer is hotter than you.”
"Resting is a part of the process, even if it’s not a part of the plan."
— Carley Schweet
“As I have gotten older and wiser I discovered that there are six things that I really loved about my job. Pay day, lunch time, quitting time, vacation time, holidays, and of course retirement.” — Tom Goins
“Pride, commitment and teamwork are words they use to get you to work for free.” – Anonymous
“Millionaires don't use Astrology, billionaires do.”
― J.P. Morgan
“If you're too open-minded; your brains will fall out.”
Lawrence Ferlinghetti
“I’m looking forward to seeing pie this Thanksgiving more than members of my own family.” —Damien Fahey
"Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night." —Dave Barry
“The taxpayer—that’s someone who works for the federal government but doesn’t have to take the civil service examination.” — Ronald Reagan.
“Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? There’s a support group for that. It’s called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar."
~ Drew Carey
“I’m just a Sagittarius, and we’re kind of spontaneous.
So let’s head out to Vegas and find an Elvis to marry us.”
— Andy Grammer, “Blame It on the Stars”
The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, but the fly comes close. -- Mark Twain
“I have a green thumb. Got it when I dumped out my kale smoothie.”
— John Wagner Maxine
"How do you compare apples and oranges?
By their nutritional value."
- Marshall Elizer
"How do you know if someone ran a marathon? Don’t worry, they’ll tell you."
Jimmy Fallon
"When I asked you to water the plants,
I did not expect you'd unzip your pants."
- Mike Garofalo
"Even bad coffee is better than no coffee at all." — David Lynch
“The more excited the rooster gets, the higher his voice goes. He’s got a little bit of a Barney Fife quality to him.”
- Jeff Foxworthy.
"I am allergic to stupidity, so I break out in sarcasm."
Anonymous
"There can be no taxation without misrepresentation."
— J.B. Handelsman
"True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked." — Erich Segal
"Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them."
- Bill Maher
“Sagittarians are aliens disguised as humans.”
— Ramana Pemmaraju
“You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.”
George Burns
“Before I got married, I had six theories about raising children; now I have six children and no theories.”—John Wilmot
"If you don’t drink, smoke, or drive a car, you’re a tax evader."
– Thomas S Foley
“I was like, 'Am I gay? Am I straight?' And I realized... I'm just slutty. Where's my parade?” — Margaret Cho
"Romantic love is a mental illness. But it’s a pleasurable one." – Fran Lebowitz
“Mother Nature is providential. She gives us twelve years to develop a love for our children before turning them into teenagers.”
- William Galvin.
Facebook just sounds like a drag, in my day seeing pictures of peoples vacations was considered a punishment.
Betty White
"Help me! I'm on a family vacation!"
"Because I always say, if you're married for 50 years, and 10 of them are horrible, you're doing really good!" —Michelle Obama
"I firmly believe the death tax is good for people from all walks of life all throughout our society."
— George W. Bush
“When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they’re finished, I climb out.”
- Erma Bombeck.
"If it costs you your peace of mind, you’ve overpaid."
— Rigel J. Dawson
“Yoga class? I thought you said ‘pour a glass’.” – Unknown
"There is still no cure for the common birthday." - John Glenn
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