“October: This is one of the particularly dangerous months to invest in stocks. Other dangerous months are July, January, September, April, November, May, March, June, December, August and February.” Mark Twain
“So few people admit to belief in astrology, but I am yet to meet anyone who doesn't know their star sign.”
― P.K. Shaw
“Silence is golden…unless you have kids, then silence is just suspicious.” - Anonymous
“To keep your marriage brimming, with love in the wedding cup, whenever you’re wrong, admit it; whenever you’re right, shut up.”—Ogden Nash.
“Having kids makes you look stable to the people who thought you were crazy and crazy to the people who thought you were stable.” – Kelly Oxford
“You are one yoga class away from a good mood.” – Unknown
“A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.” - Phyllis Diller
“Fond of doctors, little health, Fond of lawyers, little wealth.”
Proverb
"You can lead a horticulture but you can't make her think."
- Dorothy Parker
"Being a good husband is like being a standup comic. You need 10 years before you can call yourself a beginner." — Jerry Seinfeld
"Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." — Jules Renard
“Parenting without a sense of humor is like being an accountant who sucks at math.”
- Amber Dusick.
“When life hands you lemons, give them back. You deserve chocolate.”
― Unknown
"Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun." —Stephanie Ortiz
"We live by the golden rule. Those who have the gold make the rules." ~ Unknown
All the men in my family are bald, and all the women are hunchbacked – and they don’t know we’re bald.
Mark Roberts
“When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.”—Erma Bombeck
“The Thanksgiving tradition is, we overeat. ‘Hey, how about at Thanksgiving we just eat a lot?’ ‘But we do that every day!’ ‘Oh. What if we eat a lot with people that annoy the hell out of us?'”—Jim Gaffigan
"A change of latitude would help my attitude."
“They say that there can never be two snowflakes that are exactly alike, but has anyone checked lately?”
– Terry Pratchett
“No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.” – @simoncholland
“People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day!” — Anonymous
“Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.”
Charles M. Schulz
"At my age, flowers scare me." - George Burns
“If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question.” - Lily Tomlin
“Executive ability is deciding quickly and getting somebody else to do the work.” – Earl Nightingale
"Self-care is giving the world the best of you instead of what’s left of you."
— Katie Reed
"The idea is to die young as late as possible." - Ashley Montagu
"Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you're probably watching the wrong channel."
“Family ties mean that no matter how much you might want to run from your family, you can’t.”—Unknown
"I bought my wife a ticket to go on a cruise. It's no Titanic, but I'm optimistic."
“If you’re going through hell, keep going.”
— Winston Churchill
“One would be in less danger, from the wiles of the stranger, if one’s own kin and kith, were more fun to be with.”
- Ogden Nash
"Summer vacations are a time when parents realize that teachers are grossly underpaid."
“If you’re a zebra being chased by a lion, maybe just stop in front of a giant bar code?”
- Guy Endore-Kaiser.
"The trouble with eating Italian food is that, five or six days later, you're hungry again."
– George Miller
“My ability to turn good news into anxiety is rivaled only by my ability to turn anxiety into chin acne.”
Tina Fey
“Bad decisions make good stories.”
– Ellis Vidler
“The thing about parenting rules is there aren’t any. That’s what makes it so difficult.”
- Ewan McGregor.
"It's unsticking-your-thighs-from-a-plastic-chair season"
“My nickname is ‘Mom’, but my full name is ‘Mom Mom Mom Mom Mom Mom’.”
Unknown
“Those pizzas I ate were for medicinal purposes.”
― Amy Neftzger
“Fine! You guys can all be beautiful snowflakes! I’m gonna go over here and be an awkward snowflake!”
― Robyn Schneider
"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read."
"Congress can raise taxes because it can persuade a sizable fraction of the populace that somebody else will pay."
- Milton Friedman
"Like gum to a shoe, you’re stuck with me and I’m stuck with you."
"Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest."
- Professor Irwin Corey
"Today, you’re 50. Now we can round your age up to 100! Happy 50th birthday!" - Dave Barry"
"The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd druther not." - Mark Twain
The number of followers you have doesn't make you better than anyone else. Hitler had millions, Jesus had 12. -- Anonymous
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