It's almost Summer! Time to find out what my friends with swimming pools have been up to since last summer...
"Too many people spend money they haven’t earned, to buy things they don’t want, to impress people they don’t like." ~ Will Smith
“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.” —Rodney Dangerfield
“Tact is the ability to describe others as they see themselves.”
Abraham Lincoln
"The only place success comes before work is in the dictionary."
~ Vince Lombardi
"Don’t forget to drink water and get some sun. You’re basically a houseplant with more complicated emotions."
“If you want your children to listen, try talking softly to someone else.”
Ann Landers
“When in doubt, yoga it out.” – Unknown
"Food is an important part of a balanced diet." —Fran Lebowitz
“I celebrated Thanksgiving the old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.” —Jon Stewart
“Kilometers are shorter than miles. Save gas, take your next trip in kilometers.”
– George Carlin
"Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough."
"Age is something that doesn’t matter, unless you are a cheese." – Billie Burke
“This is the mondayest Monday that ever mondayed.”
With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.
Rodney Dangerfield
“If a dog jumps in your lap, it is because he is fond of you; but if a cat does the same thing, it is because your lap is warm.”
- Alfred North Whitehead.
“Friends buy you food. Best friends eat your food.”
— Unknown
"Being on vacation with my family has brought me so much closer to my iPad."
Funny Inspirational and Motivational Quotes
“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing – that’s why we recommend it daily.”
Zig Ziglar
"I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home." – Robert Orben
“When I hear somebody sigh, ‘Life is hard,’ I am always tempted to ask, ‘Compared to what?'”
Sydney J. Harris
“Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women; a little bit of support and a little bit of freedom.” - Jerry Seinfeld
"You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks." - Joel Plaskett
“Before marriage, a girl has to make love to a man to hold him. After marriage, she has to hold him to make love to him.” — Marilyn Monroe
“If hard work is the key to success, most people would rather pick the lock.” — Claude McDonald
"As we grow older, our bodies get shorter and our anecdotes longer." - Robert Quillen"
“The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it.” —Anne Bancroft
“Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.”
Charles M. Schulz
"I'd agree with you, but then we'd both be wrong."
Anonymous
“I don’t know what’s more exhausting about parenting: the getting up early, or acting like you know what you’re doing.”
- Jim Gaffigan.
“Seize the moment. Remember all those women on the Titanic who waved off the dessert cart.”
― Erma Bombeck
“I have just returned from a children’s party. I’m one of the survivors.”
- Percy French.
“A man’s womenfolk, whatever their outward show of respect for his merit and authority, always regard him secretly as an ass, and with something akin to pity.”
- H. L. Mencken.
“Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair.”
Sam Ewing
“I put all my money into taxes. They’re the only thing that’s sure to go up!”
"I love you more than coffee but not always before coffee." - Unknown
“Is it snowing where you are? All the world that I see from my tower is draped in white and the flakes are coming down as big as pop-corns.” — Jean Webster
“If you don’t like how I drive, get off the sidewalk.”
"If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough."
― Phyllis Diller
"When we put vegetables up for the winter, we use jars, but we call it canning. I find that jarring. And uncanny."
– Greg Tamblyn
“Never criticize your spouse’s faults; if it weren’t for them, your mate might have found someone better than you.” —Jay Trachman
“I do yoga so that I can stay flexible enough to kick my own arse if necessary.” — Betsy Cañas Garmon
“A hen is just an egg’s way of making another egg.”
- Weird Science.
“When you see a married couple walking down the street, the one that’s a few steps ahead is the one that’s mad.”―Helen Rowland
“If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in the dark with a mosquito.”
– Betty Reese
"Resting is a part of the process, even if it’s not a part of the plan."
— Carley Schweet
"Better to keep silent and let people think you are a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt."
- Abraham Lincoln
“An expert is a man who has made all the mistakes which can be made in a very narrow field.” — Niels Bohr
“There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.”
Henry Kissinger
“I’m not for everyone. I’m barely for me.”
Marc Maron
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