“Nutrition labels should include a “What if I ate the whole thing” section.”
― Unknown
“Carpe per diem – seize the check.” – Robin Williams.
“My job is fun! I should change this line once in a while. My brain has started to realize that I am lying to it every morning."
~ Anonymous
"Reality is the leading cause of stress among those in touch with it." —Lily Toml
“Vacation is that time when you wish you had something to do while doing nothing.”
–Frank Tyger
“This has been such a Monday! I wish I stayed in bed, and I wish that yesterday had never happened.”
– Lisa Mantchev
"Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional" - Chili Davis
“I choose a lazy person to do a hard job, because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it.” — Bill Gates
"Drive slow and enjoy the scenery - drive fast and join the scenery."
- Douglas Horton
“Monday: nothing a bit of shopping can’t fix.”
"Luck is a dividend of sweat. The more you sweat, the luckier you get."
~ Ray Kroc
"Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough."
“You don’t have to be crazy to be my friend. I’ll train you.”
— Unknown
“After scolding one’s cat one looks into its face and is seized by the ugly suspicion that it understood every word. And has filed it for reference.”
- Charlotte Gray.
“Grandmas don’t just say “that’s nice”—they reel back and roll their eyes and throw up their hands and smile. You get your money’s worth out of grandmas.”—Unknown
"The income tax created more criminals than any other single act of government."
- Barry Goldwater
"If the hill has its own name, then it's probably a pretty tough hill."
Marty Stern
“Every man is a d*** fool for at least five minutes every day; wisdom consists in not exceeding the limit.”
― Elbert Hubbard
"Love is sharing your popcorn."
- Charles Schultz.
“Sorry, I can’t hear you over the sound of how awesome I am.”
— Harvey Specter
"I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it."
“Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.” - Kathy Mohnke
“Anybody who tells you money can’t buy happiness never had any.” —Samuel L. Jackson
"An expert is a man who has made all the mistakes which can be made in a very narrow field."
~ Niels Bohr
“The Government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend upon the support of Paul.”
– George Bernard Shaw
"First you forget names, then you forget faces, then you forget to pull your zipper up, then you forget to pull your zipper down." - Leo Rosenberg
“Saving is a very fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.” – Winston Churchill
"If the poor overweight jogger only knew how far he had to run to work off the calories in a crust of bread he might find it better in terms of pound per mile to go to a massage parlor."
- Christiaan Barnard
"If she happens to fall, I’ll be there to laugh at first and then help her up afterwards." — J.A. Redmerski
“Time spent with cats is never wasted.”
- Sigmund Freud
“Sunshine and happiness go together like fish and chips!”
― Catherine Pulsifer
Bob Hope
I have Alzheimer’s bulimia – first I eat everything in sight and then I forget to puke.
“Saving is a very fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.” – Winston Churchill
“A new survey found that 80 percent of men claim they help cook Thanksgiving dinner. Which makes sense when you hear them consider saying ‘that smells good’ to be helping.” —Jimmy Fallon
“I asked my mom if I was adopted. She said, ‘Not yet, but we placed an ad.’”
- Dana Snow.
As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.
Buddy Hackett
“‘Welcome to winter,’ one said. ‘When fifty percent of drivers should have their licenses temporarily suspended.'” — Kelley Armstrong
“Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with someone long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family.”—Chelsea Handler
“Let’s face it, I only practice yoga because the classes are always packed with beautiful women.” — Adam Levine
"Love is a lot like a toothache. It doesn't show up on X-rays, but you know it's there."
- George Burns.
"Worried about an IRS audit? Avoid what's called a red flag. That's something the IRS always looks for. For example, say you have some money left in your bank account after paying taxes. That's a red flag."
― Jay Leno
“By the time you’re 80 years old you’ve learned everything. You only have to remember it.” - George Burns
“Never underestimate a child’s ability to get into more trouble.”
- Martin Mull.
“Cooking Tip: Wrap turkey leftover in aluminum foil and throw them out.” —Nicole Hollander
“People who say they sleep like a baby usually don’t have one.”
- Leo Burke.
“Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one.”—Mae West
"Work out in the morning, before your brain figures out what you’re doing."
– Unknown
I feel so miserable without you, it’s almost like having you here."
- Stephen Bishop
“Spring is nature’s way of saying, ‘Let’s party!’”
– Robin Williams
“The economy depends about as much on economists as the weather does on weather forecasters." ~Jean-Paul Kauffmann
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