“There are much easier things in life than finding a good man. Nailing Jell-O to a tree, for instance.”
Anonymous
"A perfect summer day is when the sun is shining, the breeze is blowing, the birds are singing, and the lawn mower is broken."
- James Dent
“Everyone knows that if you’ve got a brother, you’re going to fight.”—Liam Gallagher
"In the morning a man walks with his whole body; in the evening, only with his legs."
— Ralph Waldo Emerson
"Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise' I wash my mouth out with chocolate!"
- Unknown.
“There are more airplanes in the water than there are submarines in the sky.”
Anonymous
“Insanity is hereditary; you get it from your children.”
- Sam Levenson
“A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.” - Phyllis Diller
“Pizza is like the entire food pyramid!”
― Madeline Oles
"A good run is like a cup of coffee. I'm much nicer after I've had one."
Unknown
“The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider it.”
Joan Rivers
“When gorillas are sleeping, you can hide a bunch of raisins in their fur, and then they’ll have an exciting treat the next day."
- Guy Endore Kaiser
"If you can stay in love for more than two years, you're on something." — Fran Lebowitz
"Everything slows down with age, except the time it takes cake and ice cream to reach your hips." - John Wagner
"If you text 'I love you' to a person and the person writes back an emoji — no matter what that emoji is, they don't love you back."
- Chelsea Peretti
“I think if we tell people that the brain is an app, they will start using it.”
Anonymous
“Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can’t sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can’t sleep with the window open.”—George Bernard Shaw
"Love is an exploding cigar we willingly smoke." - Lynda Barry
“I’ve noticed that one thing about parents is that no matter what stage your child is in, the parents who have older children always tell you the next stage is worse.”
- Dave Barry.
“Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring: ‘How to Build a Boat.’”
Steven Wright
"My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on." — Joan Rivers
"I've always enjoyed poor health." —Taylor Caldwell
“I’m just a Sagittarius, and we’re kind of spontaneous.
So let’s head out to Vegas and find an Elvis to marry us.”
— Andy Grammer, “Blame It on the Stars”
“There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It’s called marriage” — James Holt McGavran
Don’t be distracted by criticism. Remember, the only taste of success some people get is to take a bite out of you.” – Zig Ziglar
“You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.” —Franklin P. Adams
Will Ferell
When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did – in his sleep. Not yelling and screaming like the passengers in his car.
“An addiction to gardening is not all bad when you consider all the other choices in life.”
— Cora Lea Bell
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes. Jim Carrey
How many legs does a dog have if you call the tail a leg? Four. Calling a tail a leg doesn't make it a leg.
Abraham Lincoln
“The greatest lesson in life is to know that even fools are right sometimes.”
– Winston S. Churchill
"Common sense is not a gift. It’s a punishment because you have to deal with everyone who doesn’t have it."
Anonymous
“I say if you love something, set it in a small cage and pester and smother it with love until it either loves you back or dies.” — Mindy Kaling
“Nothing burns like the cold.” — George R.R. Martin
"If you don’t drink, smoke, or drive a car, you’re a tax evader."
– Thomas S Foley
“The worst moment today has happened. That was when the alarm went off and I realized it was Monday.”
“When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.”
George Burns
“There is nothing better than a friend, unless it is a friend with chocolate.”
Linda Grayson
“Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.”
Chris Rock
"The 12-step chocoholics program: Never be more than 12 steps away from chocolate!"
— Terry Moore
"The Thankstini: A fun and delicious new novelty drink I invented. Cranberry juice, potato vodka, and a bouillon cube. Tastes just like a turkey dinner." -Barney Stinson, How I Met Your Mother
“Never ever discount the idea of marriage. Sure, someone might tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper. Well, so is money, and what’s more life-affirming than cold, hard cash?”—Dennis Miller
“I’m so naive about finances. Once my mother mentioned an amount and I realized I didn’t understand, she had to explain, ‘That’s like three Mercedes.’ Then I understood.” – Brooke Shields
“When your children are teenagers, it’s important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you.”
- Nora Ephron.
“A bargain is something you can’t use at a price you can’t resist.”- Franklin Jones.
“I’ve got all the money I’ll ever need, if I die by four o’clock.” — Henny Youngman
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away, But if the doctor is cute forget the fruit.”
Sammie
"Before we got married I caught her in my arms. Now I catch her in my pockets." - Joginder Singh
“I do Yoga to relieve stress… Just kidding I drink wine in yoga pants.” — Anonymous
"A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running."
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