“I love Thanksgiving traditions: watching football, making pumpkin pie and saying the magic phrase that sends your aunt storming out of the dining room to sit in her car.” — Stephen Colber
“Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.” —Mark Twain
"I feel like most of my work problems could be solved with a trip to…anywhere."
“During summer vacation, you get to do all your favorite things; cook hot dogs over a campfire (while being eaten alive by mosquitoes).”
– Bruce Lansky
“Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and give her a house.” —Rod Stewart
“I don’t understand people who don’t touch their pets. Their cat or dog is called a pet for a reason.”
- Jarod Kintz.
“Trying to be happy by accumulating possessions is like trying to satisfy hunger by taping sandwiches all over your body.”
George Carlin
“Family is a blessing. Just keep saying that when you are irritated by something a family member says.”
- Marcelina Hardy
"Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened." - Jennifer Yane
“Another day, another 13,000 calories.”
— Andy Lassner
"True love is like ghosts, which everyone talks about and few have seen." — Francois de la Rochefoucauld
"There's no better feeling in the world than a warm pizza box on your lap."
— Kevin James
“Every pizza is a personal pizza if you try hard and believe in yourself.”
― Bill Murray
"The Thankstini: A fun and delicious new novelty drink I invented. Cranberry juice, potato vodka, and a bouillon cube. Tastes just like a turkey dinner." -Barney Stinson, How I Met Your Mother
"Oh, here's an idea: Let's make pictures of our internal organs and give them to other people we love on Valentine's Day. That's not weird at all." - Jimmy Fallon
“If you’re a zebra being chased by a lion, maybe just stop in front of a giant bar code?”
- Guy Endore-Kaiser.
“I find that ducks’ opinion of me is greatly influenced by whether I have bread."
- Mitch Hedberg
Woddy Allen
Honolulu – it’s got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife’s mother.
“I’m tired of hearing about money, money, money, money, money. I just want to play the game, drink Pepsi, wear Reebok.” — Shaquille O’Neal
“There’s no “we” in ice cream.”
― Unknown
"Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell."
- Joan Crawford
“Work is a necessity for man. Man invented the alarm clock."
~ Pablo Picasso
“On the internet, you can be anything you want. It’s strange that so many people choose to be stupid.”
Anonymous
“Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? There’s a support group for that. It’s called everybody, and they meet at the bar.” – Drew Carey
“I asked my mom if I was adopted. She said, ‘Not yet, but we placed an ad.’”
- Dana Snow.
“Thanksgiving, man. Not a good day to be my pants.” —Kevin James
"Remember, the second most important thing to choosing the right shoe is choosing the left one."
Unknown
“Every man is a d*** fool for at least five minutes every day; wisdom consists in not exceeding the limit.”
― Elbert Hubbard
“Money can’t buy happiness. But it can buy plants, and that’s the same thing.”
— Anonymous
“Doing nothing is very hard to do… you never know when you’re finished.” — Leslie Nielsen
“My formula for success is rise early, work late and strike oil.” JP Getty.
“Going to work for a large company is like getting on a train. Are you going sixty miles an hour or is the train going sixty miles an hour and you’re just sitting still?"
~ J. Paul Getty
“The only yoga stretch I've perfected is the yawn.”
- Grant Tucker.
"Is taco yoga a thing yet? Someone get on that."
- Chisty Lowe
“I’d like to have a kid, but I’m not sure I’m ready to spend 10 years of my life constantly asking someone where his shoes are.”
Damien Fahey
"Slow runners make fast runners look good. Thank you."
From the back of a T-shirt
"The 12-step chocoholics program: Never be more than 12 steps away from chocolate!"
— Terry Moore
“If you eliminate smoking and gambling, you will be amazed to find that almost all an Englishman’s pleasures can be, and mostly are, shared by his dog.”
George Bernard Shaw
"I go to the gym three days a week. You have to or else - I don't want to be the guy that dies shoveling snow."
- Douglas Coupland
“Whenever I’m sad, you’re there. Whenever I’m having problems you are always there. Whenever my life seems out of control, you are always there. Let’s face it. You are bad luck.”
— Unknown
“I always carry a knife in my purse, just in case we’re having cake.”
― Unknown
"A vacation frequently means that the family goes away for a rest, accompanied by a mother who sees that the others get it."
— Marcelene Cox
“Once when I was golfing in Georgia, I hooked the ball into the swamp. I went in after it and found an alligator wearing a shirt with a picture of a little golfer on it.”
- Buddy Hackett.
“My relationships with my cats have saved me from a deadly, pervasive ignorance.”
- William S. Burroughs.
“You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they’re going.”
—P. J. O’Rourke
“Money doesn’t solve all problems but it could solve my money problem.” – Anonymous
"One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas, I'll never know."
“The remaining work to finish in order to reach your goal increases as the deadline approaches."
~ Bove’s Theorem
"I crossed a time zone and I feel younger already. If I keep traveling west, I can become immortal."
- Jarod Kintz
"I wake up in the morning and lay in my bed waiting for my mom to prepare breakfast. And suddenly I remember that I’m the mom."
— Unknown
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