A child is a curly, dimpled lunatic.
Ralph Waldo Emerson
“If you want to be sure that you never forget your wife’s birthday, just try forgetting it once.” —Aldo Cammarota
“Never make your favorite song the alarm for Monday morning; you’ll hate it for years.”
My favorite outdoor activity is the short walk back inside.
"I love you with all my belly. I would say my heart, but my belly is bigger." - Unknown
“In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn’t danced in television.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“Gardening. Cheaper than therapy (until your spouse adds up the receipts).”
— Anonymous
“Road Trips: Because they’re cheaper than therapy.”
"If hard work were such a wonderful thing, surely the rich would have kept it all to themselves." ~ Lane Kirkland
"There are no gardening mistakes, only experiments."
— Janet Kilburn Phillips
Jonathan Swift
If at first you don’t succeed . . . so much for skydiving.
"Taxes grow without rain."
- Jewish Proverb
“There. Right there is where you lost your darn mind!”
“I had to stop driving my car for a while… the tires got dizzy.”
— Stephen Wright
“Old people shouldn’t eat health foods. They need all the preservatives they can get.” – Robert Orben
“Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.”
— Anonymous
“Anytime you see a turtle up on top of a fence post, you know he had some help."
- Alex Haley
“How can something so small create so much of something so disgusting?”
- Michael, ‘Three Men And A Baby.’
“As you get older, three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two.”
Sir Norman Wisdom
“Scientists say the world is made of protons, neutrons, and electrons. they forgot to mention morons.”
Anonymous
"Marriage is like pantyhose. It all depends on what you put into it." — Phyllis Schlafly
“I love the early hours of the day. It’s a nice place to visit but I wouldn’t want to live there.”
— James Lileks
"Children are a great comfort in your old age, and they help you reach it faster, too." – Lionel Kauffman
"Life is a moderately good play with a badly written third act." - Truman Capote
“In fifty years, he never worked a day. To him, nine to five was odds on a horse."
~ Archie Bunker
"Americans will eat garbage provided you sprinkle it liberally with ketchup."
— Henry James
“Hope my relatives are getting along with the professional line sitter I hired to hold my place at the front of the Thanksgiving food line.” —John Lyon
“The household cat is really a tiger that has underwent three counselling programs.”
- Valeriu Butulescu.
“Creativity is allowing yourself to make mistakes. Art is knowing which ones to keep.” – Scott Adams
"My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one."
"If you love someone set them free. If they come back, set them on fire."
- George Carlin
“The learned fool writes his nonsense in better language than the unlearned, but still ‘this nonsense.”
– Benjamin Franklin
“Dear Mondays, I really think that you should take a holiday. Believe me, no one will even miss you.”
“This would be a much better world if more married couples were as deeply in love as they are in debt” – Earl Wilson
"She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon."
"A three year old child is a being who gets almost as much fun out of a fifty-six dollar set of swings as it does out of finding a small green worm." – Bill Vaughan
“Not telling me something because you don’t want to piss me off is probably the best way to piss me off.”
— ScorpioQuotes.com
“When you are stressed you eat ice cream, cake, chocolate and sweets because stressed spelled backward is desserts.”
― Unknown
"We pay our gym membership for the permission to exercise in the gym, not for the owner(s) of the gym to exercise for us."
- Mokokoma Mokhonoana.
"If you don't believe in ghosts, you've never been to a family reunion." - Ashleigh Brilliant
"Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self esteem, first make sure that you are not, in fact, just surrounding yourself with ass****s." - William Gibson
"What did the yogi tell the door-to-door salesperson who came to his home selling vacuum cleaners? Too many attachments!"
- Sadhana Yoga
"I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract."
-
"I like swimming in a sun shirt. People always look at me like I fell in the pool"
– Jim Gaffigan
“Thanksgiving: Bringing out the best in family dysfunction since 1863.” -Unknown
“Money can’t buy you happiness but it can pay for plastic surgery." ~ Joan Rivers
"A man should never plant a garden larger than his wife can take care of."
- T.H. Everett
“12 weeks old: when your kid is young enough to fall asleep on your chest, yet long enough to kick you in the nuts at the same time.” – Lin-Manuel Miranda
“Summer vacation: where you drink triple, see double and act single.”
“Sometimes I get the feeling the aspirin companies are sponsoring my headaches.”
Unknown
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