"I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight."
– Rita Rudner
“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.“
Rodney Dangerfield
As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.
Buddy Hackett
If you love something set it free, but don’t be surprised if it comes back with herpes.
Chuck Palahniuk
“One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know."
- Groucho Marx
“I have noticed that even people who claim everything is predetermined and that we can do nothing to change it look before they cross the road.”
Stephen Hawking
"If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again."
“Money and women are the most sought after and the least known about of any two things we have.”— Will Rogers
“What do dogs do on their day off? Can’t lie around – that’s their job.”
- George Carlin.
“I need to get up; my coffee needs me.”
— Unknown
“Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need most.” —Addison H. Hallock
“The best babysitters, of course, are the baby’s grandparents. You feel completely comfortable entrusting your baby to them for long periods, which is why most grandparents flee to Florida.”—Dave Barry
“I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.”
- Rodney Dangerfield
"How do you compare apples and oranges?
By their nutritional value."
- Marshall Elizer
"It is true that speed kills. In distance running, it kills anyone who does not have it."
Brooks Johnson
"The difference between tax avoidance and tax evasion is the thickness of a prison wall."
– Denis Healey
“The archer will walk up to you, give you a hearty slap on the back and a wide, friendly grin. Then he’ll greet you with a remark like, ‘How the heck do you manage to look so young when you’re as old as you are?'”
— Linda Goodman
“They say that there can never be two snowflakes that are exactly alike, but has anyone checked lately?”
– Terry Pratchett
“Money can’t buy you happiness, but it can buy you a yacht big enough to pull up right alongside it." ~ David Lee Roth
Trust is like a mirror, you can fix it if it's broken, but you can still see the crack in that bastard's reflection.
Lady Gaga
"The trouble with eating Italian food is that five or six days later, you're hungry again."
— George Miller
"At fifty, everyone has the face he deserves." - George Orwell
“You should see my corgis at sunset in the snow. It’s their finest hour. About five o’clock they glow like copper. Then they come in and lie in front of the fire like a string of sausages.”
– Tasha Tudor
"Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing."
- Natasha Leggero
"Life is a moderately good play with a badly written third act." - Truman Capote
"Everyone should believe in something. I believe I should be on the beach drinking Margaritas."
“Good morning. Keep calm and pretend it’s not Monday.”
I have wondered at times what the Ten Commandments would have looked like if Moses had run them through the U.S. Congress. -- Ronald Reagan
"The pessimist complains about the wind; the optimist expects it to change; the realist adjusts the sails."
- William Arthur Ward
“Scientists say the world is made of protons, neutrons, and electrons. they forgot to mention morons.”
Anonymous
“Anywhere is walking distance if you have got the time.”
Steven Wright
“The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is because they have a common enemy.” - Anonymous
“Sometimes me think, ‘What is friend?’ Then me say, ‘Friend is someone to share the last cookie with.’”
— Cookie Monster
“Money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy you the kind of misery you prefer." ~Author Unknown
"My wife is really sentimental. One Valentine’s Day I gave her a ring and to this day she has never forgotten those three little words that were engraved inside — Made in Taiwan."
- Leopold Fechner.
"If only one could tell true love from false love as one can tell mushrooms from toadstools."
- Katherine Mansfield
“I believe someone made a grievous mistake when summer was created; no novitiate or god in their right mind would make a season akin to hell on purpose. Someone should be fired.”
― Michelle Franklin
"I didn’t get old on purpose, it just happened. If you’re lucky, it could happen to you." – Andy Ronney
“In olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar, a practice which is still very much practiced.” —Helen Rowland
“Money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy beer." ~ Gary Reilly
“I hate mornings and Mondays. And working. But other than that I am entirely happy.”
“Early to bed and early to rise probably indicates unskilled labor.” – John Ciardi
"Reaching under the couch for something is the closest I'll ever get to yoga."
- Grant Tucker
“No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.” – @simoncholland
“Your body is not a temple, it’s an amusement park. Enjoy the ride.”
― Anthony Bourdain
“I’m not for everyone. I’m barely for me.”
Marc Maron
“If you start drinking now, Thanksgiving could be a lot of fun.” — Conan O’Brien
“In LA we get coyotes in our garbage cans. Coyotes are just like my relatives. They go out in pairs, they whine at night, and they go anywhere there’s food."
- Billy Crystal
“Marriage is an attempt to solve problems together which you didn’t even have when you were on your own.”—Eddie Cantor
“Nothing compares to the stomach ache you get from laughing with friends.”
— Unknown
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