“I do yoga so that I can stay flexible enough to kick my own arse if necessary.” — Betsy Cañas Garmon
"Finland has produced so many brilliant distance runners because back home it costs $2.50 a gallon for gas."
Esa Tikkannen
“Insanity runs in my family. It practically gallops.”
- Cary Grant.
“Good friends don’t let you do stupid things… alone.”
— Unknown
Some things have to be believed to be seen. -- Ralph Hodgson
"I always thought a yard was three feet, then I started mowing the lawn."
- C.E. Cowman
"I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight."
– Rita Rudner
“You dropped your kid off a changing table? Stuff just happens, okay? Last week, my kid ate a cigarette. I caught him playing in the dryer yesterday. I picked up the wrong baby from daycare. I found my baby swimming in the toilet. No judging.”
- 'What To Expect When You Are Expecting'.
“You don’t have to be crazy to be my friend but it sure helps!”
— Unknown
"I quit therapy because my analyst was trying to help me behind my back." - Richard Lewis
“There are more airplanes in the water than there are submarines in the sky.”
Anonymous
“Usually the triumph of my day is, you know, everybody making it to the potty.”
- Julia Roberts.
“Working is bad enough in the winter, but in the summer it can become completely intolerable.”-
Tom Hodgkinson
“Money is the opposite of the weather. Nobody talks about it, but everybody does something about it.” – Rebecca Johnson
“The greatest lesson in life is to know that even fools are right sometimes.”
– Winston S. Churchill
“A day without laughter is a day wasted.”
Charlie Chaplin
"There's one good thing about snow, it makes your lawn look as nice as your neighbor's."
- Clyde Moore
"All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt."
— Charles M. Shulz
“I figured out why Uncle Sam wears such a tall hat. It comes in handy when he passes it around.”
— Soupy Sales
“In a household of toddlers and pets, we discover this rule of thumb about happy families, that they are least two-thirds incontinent.”
- Robert Brault.
Bob Hope
I have Alzheimer’s bulimia – first I eat everything in sight and then I forget to puke.
"America is a land of taxation that was founded to avoid taxation."
- Dr. Laurence J. Peter
“My friend was attacked by a duck. I yelled “duck!” to warn him, but it just made it worse.”
- Kelkulus.
“Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers.” — Homer Simpson
“Early to bed and early to rise probably indicates unskilled labor.” – John Ciardi
“I find that ducks’ opinion of me is greatly influenced by whether I have bread."
- Mitch Hedberg
“Welcome, winter. Your late dawns and chilled breath make me lazy, but I love you nonetheless. ” — Terri Guillemets
“Not telling me something because you don’t want to piss me off is probably the best way to piss me off.”
— ScorpioQuotes.com
"I refuse to spend my life worrying about what I eat. There is no pleasure worth forgoing just for an extra three years in the geriatric ward." - John Mortimer
“Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button.”
— Punit Ghadge
“It doesn’t matter how low the dollar will go, I will always bend down and pick it up.” ~ Anonymous
"By 35, if I’m not engaged or already starting a family, I declare myself the aunt who’s always traveling & comes to family events tipsy."
"Why is there so much month left at the end of the money?" ~ John Barrymore
“The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status, or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we all believe that we are above-average drivers.”
– Dave Barry
“I saw a study that said speaking in front of a crowd is considered the number one fear of the average person. Number two was death. This means to the average person, if you have to be at a funeral, you would rather be in the casket than doing the eulogy.”
Jerry Seinfeld
“May your stuffing be tasty. May your turkey be plump. May your potatoes and gravy have nary a lump. May your yams be delicious and your pies take the prize, and may your Thanksgiving dinner stay off your thighs!” —Anonymous
“If A equals success, then the formula is A = X + Y + Z. Where X is work. Y is play. Z is keep your mouth shut.” — Albert Einstein
“If all the economists were laid end to end, they’d never reach a conclusion." ~George Bernard Shaw
"If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again."
"I am pretty sure that, if you will be quite honest, you will admit that a good rousing sneeze, one that tears open your collar and throws your hair into your eyes, is really one of life's sensational pleasures." - Robert Benchley
“My favorite animal is steak."
- Fran Lebowitz
“If you know how many cupcakes I’m holding behind my back I’ll give you both of them.”
― Unknown
“Perhaps one reason we are fascinated by cats is because such a small animal can contain so much independence, dignity, and freedom of spirit. Unlike the dog, the cat’s personality is never bet on a human’s. He demands acceptance on his own terms.”
- Lloyd Alexander.
“When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.”
Erma Bombeck
"For marriage to be a success, every woman and every man should have her and his own bathroom. The end." — Catherine Zeta-Jones
"At my age ‘getting lucky’ means walking into a room and remembering what I came in for." - Unknown
“If you don’t like how I drive, get off the sidewalk.”
“No animal should ever jump up on the dining-room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation."
- Fran Lebowitz
“This is the mondayest Monday that ever mondayed.”
“If you are not killing plants, you are not really stretching yourself as a gardener.”
— J.C. Raulston
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