“Winter blues are cured every time with a potato gratin paired with a roast chicken.”
– Alexandra Guarnaschelli
“The problem with doing nothing is that you never know when you’re finished.” – Groucho Marx
“Parenting Tip: If your child is crying, hold it close and whisper, 'You don’t have a clue what horrors this world holds.'”
- Rob Delaney.
“I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.” - Groucho Marx
“Yoga. Because punching people is frowned upon.” — Anonymous
"I live in a mad house run by a tiny army that I made myself." — Anonymous
“My favorite animal is steak."
- Fran Lebowitz
"I wake up in the morning and lay in my bed waiting for my mom to prepare breakfast. And suddenly I remember that I’m the mom."
— Unknown
“The poor have more children, but the rich have more relatives.” – Unknown
"I’m like old wine. They don’t bring me out very often… but I’m well preserved." - Rose Kennedy
"Imagine being on a plane and NOT eating every item presented to you as if you will never again have ready access to food in your life."
- Jia Tolentino
“God in his wisdom made the fly, And then forgot to tell us why.”
- Ogden Nash.
“Keep calm and pretend it’s not Monday.”
“What is your favorite day of the week, and why it is your favorite day of the week? Mine is Tuesday because that means Monday is gone.”
“Always respect Mother Nature. Especially when she weighs 400 pounds and is guarding her baby.”
- James Rollins.
“Don’t wear perfume in the garden – unless you want to be pollinated by bees.”
— Anne Raver
“I’m not aging, I just need repotting.”
— Anonymous
“You’re not truly a parent until you’ve yelled at your kid for drinking fluid on a road trip because now they have to pee again.”
— Abe Yospe
"Money can’t buy love, but it improves your bargaining position." — Christopher Marlowe
Steve Martin
The last woman I was in was the Statue of Liberty.
“New pick-up line to try today: “Hey, are you a turkey? Because I want to gobble you up and then fall asleep.” — Rebel Wilson
“I eat cake every day because somewhere out there it’s someone’s birthday and I like to celebrate.”
― Unknown
“The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.”
Anonymous
“Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet service to see who they really are.” —Will Ferrell
"Funny, I've met a lot of pin-up girls, but I've never been able to pin one down."
"Humor is reason gone mad."
“Money isn’t everything, but it’s a long way ahead of what comes next.” - Edmund Stockdale
“As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.”
Buddy Hackett
"I have no plants in my house. They won't live for me. Some of them don't even wait to die, they commit suicide."
- Jerry Seinfeld
"In childhood, we yearn to be grown-ups. In old age, we yearn to be kids. It just seems that all would be wonderful if we didn’t have to celebrate our birthdays in chronological order." - Robert Brault
"Grandchildren don’t make a man feel old, it’s the knowledge that he’s married to a grandmother that does." - J. Norman Collie
"I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it."
"Men make use of their illnesses at least as much as they are made use of by them." - Aldous Huxley
“July is a blind date with summer.”
– Hal Borland
“Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.”
George Carlin
"Whoever says friendship is easy has obviously never had a true friend!"
— Bronwyn Polson
“Most of what we call management consists of making it difficult for people to get their work done.” — Peter Drucker
“Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.” – Will Rogers
“I celebrated Thanksgiving the old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.” —Jon Stewart
“I am patient with stupidity but not with those who are proud of it.”
- Edith Sitwell
“Me to my students every day: Close your eyes. If you can still see me, it could be a sign that your eyes are still open.” – Unknown
“As I learned from growing up, you don’t mess with your grandmother.”—Prince William
“Babies: cry all flight long. Fall asleep during landing.”
"Never trust a skinny cook."
– Iain Hewitson
“If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can’t it get us out?”
- Will Rogers
"Money without brains is always dangerous." ~ Napoleon Hill
"How sickness enlarges the dimension of a man's self to himself!"- Charles Lamb
“As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.”—Buddy Hackett
"People drink on cruises so that they think the swaying is normal."
“Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.”
Dale Carnegie
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