"I refuse to admit I’m more than fifty-two, even if that does make my sons illegitimate." - Nancy Astor
“You’re making it difficult for me to be the parent I always imagined I would be." - Anonymous
"Bulb: potential flower buried in Autumn, never to be seen again."
- Henry Beard
“When people ask me if I have any spare change, I tell them I have it at home in my spare wallet.”-Nick Arnette
“How did my driving test go? You could say I mailed it!”
"It’s important to have a twinkle in your wrinkle." - Unknown
“Excercise? I thought you said extra fries.”
Will Ferell
When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did – in his sleep. Not yelling and screaming like the passengers in his car.
“I love Thanksgiving traditions: watching football, making pumpkin pie and saying the magic phrase that sends your aunt storming out of the dining room to sit in her car.” — Stephen Colber
“Mother Nature is providential. She gives us twelve years to develop a love for our children before turning them into teenagers.”
- William Galvin.
"You don't pay taxes ― they take taxes."
― Chris Rock
"Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough."
“Remember that creating a successful marriage is like farming: you have to start over again every morning.” —H. Jackson Brown, Jr
“I am not worried about the deficit. It is big enough to take care of itself." ~ Ronald Reagan
"I only workout, because I really really like donuts."
- Unknown
“If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no point in being a damn fool about it.”
W. C. Fields
Bob Monkhouse
“It’s been a tough week. I bought myself a memory foam mattress and now it’s trying to blackmail me.”
“In this country, you gotta make the money first. Then when you get the money, you get the power. Then when you get the power, then you get the women.” –Tony Montana (Al Pacino) Scarface
“Work is a necessity for man. Man invented the alarm clock."
~ Pablo Picasso
“Hello and welcome to Monday. Do you take sugar, cream, or Valium in your morning coffee?”
"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception."
"Why don't you go home to your wife? Better yet, I'll go home to your wife, and outside of the improvement, she won't notice any difference."
“My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that’s not so bad, but New York City?”
Henny Youngman
"Taurus won't forget it. Taurus doesn't forget anything."
— Linda Goodman
“There are two times in a man’s life when he should not speculate: when he can’t afford it, and when he can.” – Mark Twain
“I love yoga, but the namaste thing only takes you so far.” — Jillian Michaels
“Monday again? Is it every week now?”
“Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee.”
- David Frost.
"I bought an ant farm. I don't know where I am going to get a tractor that small!"
- Steven Wright
"Women love a self-confident bald man."
- Larry David.
“When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.” —Prince Philip
“Good friends don’t let you do stupid things… alone.”
— Unknown
"I orchestrate my mornings to the tune of coffee."
– Terri Guillemets
"True friends don’t judge each other. They judge other people together."
— Emilie Saint-Genis
“Maybe Monday doesn’t like you either.”
"America is a land of taxation that was founded to avoid taxation."
- Dr. Laurence J. Peter
I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.
Lily Tomlin
"Old age is when you resent the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated because there are fewer articles to read." – George Burns
As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.
Buddy Hackett
“When preparing to travel, lay out all your clothes and all your money. Then take half the clothes and twice the money.”
— Susan Heller
“Many a man in love with a dimple makes the mistake of marrying the whole girl.” —Stephen Leacock
"My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit."
- Phyllis Dille
"There are two kinds of travel – first class and with children."
– Robert Benchley
“I need a vacation so long, I forget all my passwords!”
“People who say they sleep like a baby usually don’t have one.”
- Leo Burke.
"Half the modern drugs could well be thrown out the window, except that the birds might eat them." - Martin H. Fischer
“Yoga is almost like music in a way; there’s no end to it.” — Sting
"You know it’s time for a vacation when you start looking like the person on your driving license…"
“If owl parties aren't called hootenannies, this world will never make sense again."
- Reverend Badger
“I think a dysfunctional family is any family with more than one person in it.”
- Mary Karr
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