“We’ve all done this because we’re so mature. You see a cow on the side of the road, stick your head out the window and go, “Mooooo!” Like we expect the cow to think, “Hey, there’s another cow, driving that car! How can he afford that?”
- Garry Shandling.
“No matter how much cats fight, there always seem to be plenty of kittens." - Abraham Lincoln
“People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.”
- A. A. Milne
“Monday, you're so jealous of my relationship with Sunday because I am so happy to see you leave!”
"Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise' I wash my mouth out with chocolate!"
- Unknown.
“It’s a sure sign of summer if the chair gets up when you do.”
-Walter Winchell
“I’ve got 99 problems and I’m gonna go to yoga and solve about 53 of them.” -Unknown
“I hope we’re friends until we die. Then I hope we stay ghost friends and walk through walls and scare the s*** out of people.”
— Unknown
“The Thanksgiving tradition is, we overeat. ‘Hey, how about at Thanksgiving we just eat a lot?’ ‘But we do that every day!’ ‘Oh. What if we eat a lot with people that annoy the hell out of us?'”—Jim Gaffigan
"The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children." – Clarence Day
"How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb? Just one, but it takes nine visits." - Author unknown
I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.
Frank Sinatra
“Sunday morning my head is bad. But it's worth all the time I had. But I've got to go and get some rest. For Monday is a mess!”
– Dave Bartholomew, Blue Monday
"If your kids are giving you a headache, follow the directions on the aspirin bottle, especially the part that says, keep away from children." – Susan Savannah
"Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you're probably watching the wrong channel."
"A Scorpio will carry his grudge into the afterlife if necessary to get his revenge."
— Everett A. Blackman
“The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30 percent of their ice cream.”
Bill Murray
“‘Snow in April is abominable,’ said Anne. ‘Like a slap in the face when you expected a kiss.’” — L.M. Montgomery
“I think we’ll be friends forever because we’re too lazy to find new friends.”
— Unknown
"Alexander Hamilton started the U.S. Treasury with nothing and that was the closest our country has ever been to being even."
- Will Rogers
“To make a million, start with $900,000.” - Morton Shulman.
“A perfect parent is a person with excellent child-rearing theories and no actual children.” —Dave Barry
“Anyone who says that money cannot buy happiness has clearly never spent their money on pizza.”
― Andrew W.K.
I have wondered at times what the Ten Commandments would have looked like if Moses had run them through the U.S. Congress. -- Ronald Reagan
“I love America, but I can’t spend the whole year here. I can’t afford the taxes.”
— Mick Jagger
“What Yoga really is… Spending an entire hour trying not to fart.”— Anonymous
“I never forget a face—but in your case, I’ll be glad to make an exception.”
Groucho Marx
“I’ve always loved yoga because you get to connect to a deep religious truth while stretching your legs.” — Katya Zamolodchikova
“Summer is the annual permission slip to be lazy.”
– Regina Brett
“All my life I thought air was free until I bought a bag of chips.”
― Unknown
“The advantage of having only one child is that you always know who did it.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“The worst thing about being a tourist is having other tourists recognize you as a tourist!”
– Russell Baker
“I can’t get out of bed on days when the temperature is less than my age.”
"The only time to eat diet food is while you're waiting for the steak to cook."
— Julia Child
“When a fellow says it ain’t the money but the principle of the thing, it’s the money.” – Artemus Ward
"You may marry the man of your dreams, ladies, but fourteen years later you’re married to a couch that burps." - Roseanne Barr
"Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors... and miss."
- Robert A. Heinlein
"How do you know if someone ran a marathon? Don’t worry, they’ll tell you."
Jimmy Fallon
October, November, cool, cooold, cooooooldest, March, April.
"Listen, smile, agree, and then do whatever you were gonna do anyway."
― Robert Downey Jr.
"Love is an exploding cigar we willingly smoke." - Lynda Barry
A Christian is a man who feels repentance on Sunday for what he did on Saturday and is going to do on Monday. -- Thomas Ybarra
“Leaders who don’t listen will eventually be surrounded by people who have nothing to say.” – Andy Stanley
“Someone asked me why women don’t gamble as much as men do, and I gave the commonsensical reply that we don’t have as much money. That was a true and incomplete answer. In fact, women’s total instinct for gambling is satisfied by marriage.” – Gloria Steinem
“I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it by not dying.”
Woody Allen
"My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light." — Rodney Dangerfield
"Because I always say, if you're married for 50 years, and 10 of them are horrible, you're doing really good!" —Michelle Obama
"At my age, flowers scare me." - George Burns
“Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.” —Erma Bombeck
“Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid."
- Mark Twain
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