“To a small child, the perfect grandad is unafraid of big dogs and fierce storms but absolutely terrified of the word “boo”.—Robert Breault
“Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”
– George Carlin
"Love is an exploding cigar we willingly smoke." - Lynda Barry
“If minutes were kept of a family gathering, they would show that “Members not Present” and “Subjects Discussed” were one and the same.”
- Robert Brault
"Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight." – Phyllis Diller
“If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it." ~Author Unknown
“May your coffee be extra strong, and your Monday be extra short.”
“Even though we’re a week and a half away from Thanksgiving, it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas.” —Richard Roeper
"Eating words has never given me indigestion." —Winston Churchill
“Here in California, we passed a law against texting while driving. But there’s no law preventing you from writing a letter while driving.”
Craig Ferguson
“It’s a shame that the only thing a man can do for eight hours a day is work. He can’t eat for eight hours; he can’t drink for eight hours; he can’t make love for eight hours. The only thing a man can do for eight hours is work.” — William Faulkner
“If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in the dark with a mosquito.” – Betty Reese
“My dad used to say, ‘Always fight fire with fire.’ Which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.”—Harry Hill
“I just want to be friends. Plus a little extra. Also, I love you.” - Dwight Schrute, 'The Office'
“I come from a stupid family. During the Civil War, my great uncle fought for the west!”
Rodney Dangerfield
“The downside of playing dumb is that you sound dumb.”
- Rachel Maddow
“An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.”
― Unknown
“Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a refund from the IRS, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with." ~From a Washington Post word contest
“The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.” – @ramblinma
"I have no plants in my house. They won't live for me. Some of them don't even wait to die, they commit suicide."
- Jerry Seinfeld
The first time I sang in the church choir, two hundred people changed their religion.
Fred Allen
"I'd like to connect with nature but there's no USB port" - Dan Masso
"When I asked you to water the plants,
I did not expect you'd unzip your pants."
- Mike Garofalo
“In spring we are on Earth; in summer we are on Earth; in autumn we are on Earth, but in winter we are in another planet; winter is another planet!” — Mehmet Murat ildan
“If you’re searching for that one person that will change your life, take a look in the mirror.”
“My biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the walking that I’d have to do.”
"Sometimes you just need to lie on the couch and read for a couple of years."
“Getting paid to sleep… that’s my dream job.” –Unknown
On Big Ben. “It’s just a big clock? I don’t understand all the hype with this clock. It is literally just a clock. It’s going to be a digital one in thirty years anyway. ”
— Montgomery Smith
I have wondered at times what the Ten Commandments would have looked like if Moses had run them through the U.S. Congress. -- Ronald Reagan
"The British soldier can stand up to anything except the British War Office."
~ George Bernard Shaw
“The only yoga stretch I've perfected is the yawn.”
- Grant Tucker.
"Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I spin around and pin the guy's arm behind his back. Now who's asking the questions?" — Jack Handy
“To shorten winter, borrow some money due in spring. ” — W.J. Vogel
"Today, you’re 50. Now we can round your age up to 100! Happy 50th birthday!" - Dave Barry"
“I don’t like Sunday nights because you have to wake up to a Monday morning.”
“Marriage: sometimes soulmates, sometimes cellmates.”—Rory Elder
“I do an hour’s yoga and go running everyday. Then I see a picture of myself and I still look like a skinny, pot bellied idiot — and I thought I had turned into this superhunk!” — Chris Martin
“That’s why I love road trips, dude. It’s like doing something without actually doing anything.”
– John Green
“I say if you love something, set it in a small cage and pester and smother it with love until it either loves you back or dies.” — Mindy Kaling
“Happy Thanksgiving!!! Or as I like to call it: Cheat Day.” — Hugh Jackman
“The only reason I made a commercial for American Express was to pay for my American Express bill.” Peter Ustinov.
"Early morning cheerfulness can be extremely obnoxious."
— William Feather
“A well-trained dog will make no attempt to share your lunch. He will just make you feel so guilty that you cannot enjoy it.”—Helen Thomson
“Moist groaned. It was the crack of seven and he was allergic to the concept of two seven o’clocks in one day.”
— Terry Pratchett
"Middle age is when you’re sitting at home on a Saturday night and the telephone rings and you hope it isn’t for you." - Ogden Nash
"How many Taureans does it take to change a lamp? None. Taureans don't like to change anything."
“Stupid people will mistake your confidence for arrogance.”
- Habeeb Akande
“I might look like I am listening to you, but in my mind, I am hiking.”
"Run like there's a hot guy in front of you and a creepy one behind you."
Unknown
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