“Thank you, the day after Thanksgiving, or as the makers of sweatpants call it, 'the busy season.'" — Jimmy Fallon
"I sent the club a wire stating, 'Please accept my resignation. I don't want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member.'"
“It snowed last year too: I made a snowman and my brother knocked it down and I knocked my brother down and then we had tea.”
– Dylan Thomas
"Middle age is when you’re sitting at home on a Saturday night and the telephone rings and you hope it isn’t for you." - Ogden Nash
“A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.”
Steven Wright
"Like all bad drivers, he thought he was the best driver in the world."
- Rebecca West
“The advantage of having only one child is that you always know who did it.”
- Erma Bombeck.
"Nature is by and large to be found out of doors, a location where, it cannot be argued, there are never enough comfortable chairs."
- Fran Lebowitz
“If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.” — Woody Allen
“Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, you’ll be a mile from them, and you’ll have their shoes.”
- Jack Handey
"If you love someone set them free. If they come back, set them on fire."
- George Carlin
“Monday is like a math problem. Add the irritation, subtract the sleep, multiply the problems, divide the happiness.”
“To shorten winter, borrow some money due in spring. ” — W.J. Vogel
“All kidding aside, if everyone did yoga, we would have world peace.” — Rory Freedman
“Some family trees bear an enormous crop of nuts.”—Wayne Huizenga
"Imagine being on a plane and NOT eating every item presented to you as if you will never again have ready access to food in your life."
- Jia Tolentino
"Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t know where to go shopping." ~ Bo Derek
"A Taurus always appears to be calm and steady, even when they feel like punching you in the face."
— Unknown
"A journey is like marriage. The certain way to be wrong is to think you control it."
- John Steinbeck
“I always carry a knife in my purse, just in case we’re having cake.”
― Unknown
"Going on a hike is like having your car break down but on purpose."
- John Lyon
"No one betrays a Gemini and gets off without a sound ear-bashing."
— Richard MacDonald
“Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That’s how rich I want to be.” – Rita Rudner
“I believe someone made a grievous mistake when summer was created; no novitiate or god in their right mind would make a season akin to hell on purpose. Someone should be fired.”
― Michelle Franklin
“Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”
George Carlin
"Hope my relatives are getting along with the professional line sitter I hired to hold my place at the front of the Thanksgiving food line." -John Lyon
“As wonderful as dogs can be, they are famous for missing the point.”—Jean Ferris
“The U.S. Senate is considering a bill that would tax Botox. When Botox users heard this, they were horrified. Well, I think they were horrified. It’s difficult to tell.”
— Craig Ferguson
“Adults are always asking children what they want to be when they grow up because they’re looking for ideas.” —Paula Poundstone
I’m sure wherever my dad is he’s looking down on us… he’s not dead… just very condescending.
Jack Whitehall
“My keyboard must be broken, I keep hitting the escape key, but I’m still at work.” — Author Unknown
“The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.”
— George Carlin
"Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome."
- Oscar Levant
“What’s worth doing is worth doing for money.” –Gordon Gekko (Michael Douglas) Wall Street
"It is a good thing that we do not get as much government as we pay for."
- Will Rogers
“There is nothing safer than flying, it’s crashing that is dangerous.”
- Theo Cowan
"I’m so old that my blood type is discontinued." - Bill Dane
“Thanks TSA, I haven’t been touched like that since prom night.”
— Meaghan O’Connell
“No matter how much cats fight, there always seem to be plenty of kittens." - Abraham Lincoln
“I’m glad I don’t have to hunt my own food, I don’t even know where sandwiches live.”
― Unknown
"So I stepped away for like two seconds…” – the beginning of every parenting horror story." — Anonymous
"If you can survive 11 days in cramped quarters with a friend and come out laughing, your friendship is the real deal."
— Oprah Winfrey
"I can tell by your sarcastic undertones, rude comments, and sheer lack of common decency that we should be best friends."
— Unknown
“If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no point in being a damn fool about it.”
W. C. Fields
All gardeners know better than other gardeners.”
— Chinese Proverb
"You can lead a horticulture but you can't make her think."
- Dorothy Parker
"One meditator to another: Are you not thinking what I’m not thinking?" – Unknown
“Some people walk in the rain; others just get wet.” – Roger Miller
“I’d like to have a kid, but I’m not sure I’m ready to spend 10 years of my life constantly asking someone where his shoes are.”
Damien Fahey
“Time spent with cats is never wasted.”
Sigmund Freud
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