A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, "At my age, I don't even buy green bananas."
Claude Pepper
"Quit worrying about your health. It'll go away." —Robert Orben
“If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.”
Dalai Lama
“Winter must be cold for those with no warm memories.”
– Deborah Kerr
"I am not the type who wants to go back to the land; I am the type who wants to go back to the hotel."
- Fran Lebowitz
“Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? There’s a support group for that. It’s called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar."
~ Drew Carey
"Food is an important part of a balanced diet." —Fran Lebowitz
“Thank you, the day after Thanksgiving, or as the makers of sweatpants call it, 'the busy season.'" — Jimmy Fallon
“There’s no “we” in ice cream.”
― Unknown
“The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it.” —Anne Bancroft
“Oh yes I will work out today. I will work out a way to avoid running for a stupid cause.”
Stanley from The Office
“As wonderful as dogs can be, they are famous for missing the point.”—Jean Ferris
"Ignorance is a form of environmental pollution."
Anonymous
“If each day is a “gift,” I’d like to know where I can return the Monday.”
"A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.’" - Claude Pepper
“Anorexia is a disease not a fashion statement.”
Brooke
“I put my phone in airplane mode, but it’s not flying!"
“I realized my family was funny because nobody ever wanted to leave our house.”
- Anthony Anderson
“I’d like to publicly thank my husband [Dax Shepard] for changing half the diapers in our house. I hope he changes all of mine one day…”—Kristen Bell
“Having those weird conversations with your friend and thinking “if anyone heard us, we’d be put in a mental facility.”
— Unknown
“What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.” – Phyllis Diller
“Tact is the ability to describe others as they see themselves.”
Abraham Lincoln
“If you eliminate smoking and gambling, you will be amazed to find that almost all an Englishman’s pleasures can be, and mostly are, shared by his dog.”
George Bernard Shaw
"You may marry the man of your dreams, ladies, but fourteen years later you’re married to a couch that burps." - Roseanne Barr
"I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it."
"I prefer not to think before speaking. I like being as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth."
Anonymous
“Never criticize your spouse’s faults; if it weren’t for them, your mate might have found someone better than you.” —Jay Trachman
"Remember, the second most important thing to choosing the right shoe is choosing the left one."
Unknown
"Self-care is giving the world the best of you instead of what’s left of you."
— Katie Reed
"I want to be like a caterpillar. Eat a lot. Sleep for a while. Wake up beautiful."
“I celebrated Thanksgiving the old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.” —Jon Stewart
"My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on." — Joan Rivers
"I can't make you love me, but I can fill my pantry with your favorite snacks and offer you a weekly stipend of $75." — Rob Delaney
"Every morning is good; it’s not his fault that someone didn’t sleep well."
– Unknown
“Siblings that say they never fight are most definitely hiding something.”—Lemony Snicket, Horseradish
“The trick is to stop thinking of it as ‘your’ money.” – IRS auditor
“Sometimes when I close my eyes, I can’t see.”
"We must have a pie. Stress cannot exist in the presence of a pie."
– David Mamet
“When a fellow says it ain’t the money but the principle of the thing, it’s the money.” – Artemus Ward
“A diamond is merely a lump of coal that did well under pressure.” — Henry Kissenger
"Run like you stole something."
Unknown
This is the sort of English up with which I will not put.
Winston Churchill
"There are good ships
and wood ships
and ships that sail the sea.
But the best ships
are friendships
and may they always be."
“Getting paid to sleep… that’s my dream job.” –Unknown
“The road to success is always under construction.”
“I love yoga, but the namaste thing only takes you so far.” — Jillian Michaels
“Being part of a family means smiling for photos.” –Harry Morgan
“New pick-up line to try today: “Hey, are you a turkey? Because I want to gobble you up and then fall asleep.” — Rebel Wilson
"The easiest time to fall asleep is just after turning off the alarm clock."
– Unknown
“Can he have this?” With first baby: “Is it organic and homemade?” After second baby: “He can have anything except narcotics and alcohol.” - Unknown
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