“My son is now an ‘entrepreneur.’ That’s what you’re called when you don’t have a job.” – Ted Turner
“There is no worse parent than an unhappy parent!”
― Rossana Condoleo
“It doesn’t matter if you’re black or white… the only color that really matters is green.” – Family Guy
"The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office.” — Robert Frost
“Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid."
- Mark Twain
“A dollar picked up in the road is more satisfaction to us than the 99 which we had to work for, and the money won at Faro or in the stock market snuggles into our hearts in the same way. ~Mark Twain
“The poor have more children, but the rich have more relatives.” – Unknown
“If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? Do they get smart just in time to ask questions?”
– Scott Adams
"Health is merely the slowest way someone can die."
"I don't think jogging is healthy, especially morning jogging. If morning joggers knew how tempting they looked to morning motorists, they would stay home and do sit-ups."
Rita Rudner
“I think the perfect gift to give anyone in the winter is a heated toilet seat.”
“So. Monday. We meet again. We will never be friends — but maybe we can move past our mutual enmity toward a more positive partnership.”
“When life gives you mountains, put those boots and start hiking.”
"Everyone’s a little bit crazy and a little bit loud. But everyone’s sharing a generous amount of love."
“Do you think I’m crazy? You should see me with my best friend.”
— Unknown
“Scientists say the world is made of protons, neutrons, and electrons. they forgot to mention morons.”
Anonymous
"It's amazing how much stuff we get done the day before vacation?"
- Zig Ziglar
"Never eat more than you can lift."
— Miss Piggy
“The remaining work to finish in order to reach your goal increases as the deadline approaches."
~ Bove’s Theorem
“A best friend is someone who, when they don’t understand, they still understand."
— Nancy Werlin
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship." ― Sharon Stone
“I don’t understand people who don’t touch their pets. Their cat or dog is called a pet for a reason.”
- Jarod Kintz.
“It’s just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I beat people up.”- Muhammad Ali
"I was a vegetarian until I started leaning towards sunlight."
- Rita Rudner
“Anybody who doesn’t know what soap tastes like never washed a dog.”
- Franklin P. Jones.
“Let’s begin by taking a smallish nap or two.”
– A. A. Milne (Winnie the Pooh)
"Good things come slow. Especially in distance running."
Bill Dellinger
“Anywhere is walking distance if you have got the time.”
Steven Wright
"If you resolve to give up smoking, drinking and loving, you don't actually live longer; it just seems longer." - Clement Freud
“Money is the opposite of the weather. Nobody talks about it, but everybody does something about it.” – Rebecca Johnson
"There is no worse tyranny than to force a man to pay for what he does not want merely because you think it would be good for him."
- Robert A. Heinlein
“It’s my car now, but as soon as it’s fixed, it’ll be my daughter’s again.”
– Jeff Stahler
“If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.”
- Mark Twain.
“Executive ability is deciding quickly and getting somebody else to do the work.” – Earl Nightingale
"I have reached an age when, if someone tells me to wear socks, I don’t have to." - Albert Einstein
“Monday is great if I can spend it in bed. I’m a man of simple pleasures, really.”
– Arthur Darvill
“Home, nowadays, is a place where part of the family waits till the rest of the family brings the car back.”
- Earl Wilson.
"The safe way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it in your pocket." ~ Kin Hubbard
"There are only two emotions on a plane: boredom and terror."
- Orson Welles
Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.
Benjamin Franklin
"I was thinking about how people seem to read the bible a lot more as they get older, and then it dawned on me—they’re cramming for their final exam."- George Carlin
“Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need most.” —Addison H. Hallock
"I must confess, I was born at a very early age."
“Turkey: A large bird whose flesh, when eaten on certain religious anniversaries, has the peculiar property of attesting piety and gratitude.” —Ambrose Bierce
“My favorite animal is steak."
- Fran Lebowitz
"The only time to eat diet food is while you're waiting for the steak to cook."
— Julia Child
“If I could be half the person my dog is, I’d be twice the human I am.”—Charles Yu
"The best part of waking up is still a mystery to me."
— Uknown
“I am not worried about the deficit. It is big enough to take care of itself." ~ Ronald Reagan
"A man in love is not complete until he is married. Then he is finished."
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
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