"Death, taxes, and childbirth! There's never any convenient time for any of them."
― Margaret Mitchell
"The truth is that parents are not really interested in justice. They just want quiet." – Bill Cosby
“My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60. Now he’s 97 years old and we have no clue where he is.”
On the other hand, the Bible contains much that is relevant today, like Noah taking 40 days to find a place to park. -- Curtis McDougall
“If you live to be one hundred, you’ve got it made. Very few people die past that age.”
George Burns
"The more you know, the dumber you sound to stupid people."
Anonymous
“When I was 16 I worked in a pet store, and they fired me because . . . they had three snakes, and one day I braided them.” – Steven Alexander Wright
“You can always tell a real friend: when you’ve made a fool of yourself he doesn’t feel you’ve done a permanent job.”
– Laurence J. Peter
“You can always tell when a man's well informed. His views are pretty much like your own.”
H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
"Eating words has never given me indigestion." —Winston Churchill
“Parenthood…it’s about guiding the next generation and forgiving the last.”
- Peter Krause.
“No matter how smart you are, you can never convince someone stupid that they are stupid.”
Anonymous
“The safest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it in your pocket.” – Kin Hubbard
“If you can walk away from a landing, it’s a good landing. If you can use the aircraft the next day, it’s an outstanding landing.”
- Chuck Yeager
"My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes." — Emo Philips
“Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.”
- Elbert Hubbard
“If I could be half the person my dog is, I’d be twice the human I am.”—Charles Yu
“The most ineffective workers are systematically moved to the place where they can do the least damage: management.”
Scott Adams
“I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?”—Jean Illsley Clarke
"Once the travel bug bites there is no known antitode, and I know that I shall be happily infected until the end of my life."
- Michael Palin
“If you fall, I’ll be there. Love, Your Mat” -Unknown
“The archer will walk up to you, give you a hearty slap on the back and a wide, friendly grin. Then he’ll greet you with a remark like, ‘How the heck do you manage to look so young when you’re as old as you are?'”
— Linda Goodman
“When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.”—Erma Bombeck
“Aquarians are sort of unorthodox, original people — sort of wack, witty mad-caps who refuse to follow the crowd and go their own way.”
— Joanna Martine Woolfolk
“You are as helpful as a blister on a hike.”
"I will never break up with my gym. We just seem to workout."
- Unknown.
I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.
Douglas Adams
“Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.”
—P.J. O’Rourke
“I love road trips. You get into this Zen rhythm; throw the sense of time out the window.”
– Miriam Toews
“The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.”
Anonymous
“I can speak Esperanto like a native.”
Spike Milligan
“By the time you’re 80 years old you’ve learned everything. You only have to remember it.” - George Burns
"I don't exercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor"- Joan Rivers
“I have just returned from a children’s party. I’m one of the survivors.”
- Percy French.
“I didn’t fail the test. I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.”
– Benjamin Franklin
“No one can feel as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish.”
- Kin Hubbard.
“Venice is like eating an entire box of chocolate liqueurs in one go.”
— Truman Capote
"I don't believe in jogging. It extending your life, but by about the same amount of time you spend jogging."
Marshall Brickman
"Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others."
“Anybody who doesn’t know what soap tastes like never washed a dog.”
- Franklin P. Jones.
“I’m like Pacman when I’m at a party, I eat everything and run away from anyone coming close to me.”
― Unknown
“When there’s a single thief, it’s robbery. When there are a thousand thieves, it’s taxation.”
– Vanya Cohen
“If you eliminate smoking and gambling, you will be amazed to find that almost all an Englishman’s pleasures can be, and mostly are, shared by his dog.”
George Bernard Shaw
"Lose an hour in the morning and you will spend all day looking for it." — Richard Whately
“Oh yes I will work out today. I will work out a way to avoid running for a stupid cause.”
Stanley from The Office
“Work is against human nature. The proof is that it makes us tired. – Michel Tournier
"All men are the same age." - Dorothy Parker
"I love love, and I’m very hopeful and was raised on all the fairy tales everyone else had. I just noted that everyone’s mom was dead and real princesses get beheaded, so I just have a more realistic take on it."
- Amy Schumer
Will Ferell
When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did – in his sleep. Not yelling and screaming like the passengers in his car.
"If you want your children to turn out well, spend twice as much time with them and half as much money."
– Abigail Van Buren
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