“Even if you are on the right track, you will get run over if you just sit there.” — Will Rogers
I’m sure wherever my dad is he’s looking down on us… he’s not dead… just very condescending.
Jack Whitehall
“Mother-daughter disagreements were, in hindsight, basically mother stating the truth and daughter taking her own sweet time coming around.”—Barbara Delinsky
“I think we’ll be friends forever because we’re too lazy to find new friends.”
— Unknown
“Don’t believe everything fortune cookies tell you. Just because they’re sweet doesn’t mean they’re right.”
― Unknown
“The road to success is always under construction.”
"A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday."
— Erma Bombeck
“Dear Monday, I want to break up. I’m seeing Tuesday and dreaming about Friday. Sincerely, it’s not me, it’s you.”
“The poor have more children, but the rich have more relatives.” – Unknown
“The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status, or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we all believe that we are above-average drivers.”
– Dave Barry
"My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes." — Emo Philips
“A woman is like a tea bag – you can’t tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water.”
Eleanor Roosevelt
“When you are stressed you eat ice cream, cake, chocolate and sweets because stressed spelled backward is desserts.”
― Unknown
"I am dying with the help of too many physicians." — Unknown
“You don’t have to be crazy to be my friend. I’ll train you.”
— Unknown
“I am convinced digestion is the great secret to life.”
Sydney Smith
“Sometimes when I close my eyes, I can’t see.”
“Teach your kids to spend more time annoying each other so they have less time to spend annoying you.”—Unknown
"I’m getting tired of waking up and not being at the beach."
“Nutrition labels should include a “What if I ate the whole thing” section.”
― Unknown
“Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread, and pumpkin pie.” —Jim Davis
“If I could be half the person my dog is, I’d be twice the human I am.”—Charles Yu
"What did the carrot say to the wheat?
Lettuce rest, I'm feeling beet."
- Shel Silverstein
“Have you ever noticed how parents can go from the most wonderful people in the world to totally embarrassing in three seconds?”—Rick Riordan, The Red Pyramid
"Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it."
Anonymous
"Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him."
"If I knew I was going to live this long, I'd have taken better care of myself." —Mickey Mantle
"Hope my relatives are getting along with the professional line sitter I hired to hold my place at the front of the Thanksgiving food line." -John Lyon
“Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.”
Miles Kington
“Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? There’s a support group for that. It’s called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar."
~ Drew Carey
"There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments." - Chris Rock
"I have no plants in my house. They won't live for me. Some of them don't even wait to die, they commit suicide."
- Jerry Seinfeld
“You know you are getting old when the candles on your birthday cake start to cost more than the cake itself.”
― Unknown
“I’m only a morning person on December 25th.”
– Unknown
"A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke."
“I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.” - Groucho Marx
“Money’s only something you need in case you don’t die tomorrow.” – Carl Fox (Martin Sheen)Wall Street
“I eat cake every day because somewhere out there it’s someone’s birthday and I like to celebrate.”
― Unknown
"Lose an hour in the morning and you will spend all day looking for it." — Richard Whately
“I finally know what distinguishes man from other beasts: financial worries.” – Jules Renard
“If you had to identify in one word the reason why the human race has not achieved and never will achieve its full potential, that word would be ‘meetings.” – Dave Barry
"In the morning a man walks with his whole body; in the evening, only with his legs."
— Ralph Waldo Emerson
“Always forgive your enemies – nothing annoys them so much.”
Oscar Wilde
"The years between 50 and 70 are the hardest. You are always being asked to do things, and yet you are not decrepit enough to turn them down." - T.S. Elliot
“When late morning rolls around and you’re feeling a bit out of sorts, don’t worry; you’re probably just a little eleven o’clockish.”
– Unknown
"The trouble with being a parent is that by the time you are experienced, you are unemployed." – Anonymous
"You can close your eyes and imagine yourself in a relaxing place. Like on your sofa, not doing yoga."
- Grant Tucke
"Wait. Why am I thinking about Krispy Kremes? We're supposed to be exercising."
— Meg Cabot
"I am dying with the help of too many physicians." —Alexander the Great
"People ask me what I’d most appreciate getting for my eighty-seventh birthday. I tell them, a paternity suit." - George Burns
Go to BabaMail
