"I’m at that age where my back goes out more than I do." - Phyllis Diller
“Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.”
- Phyllis Diller.
“I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.”
Noel Coward
"I love love, and I’m very hopeful and was raised on all the fairy tales everyone else had. I just noted that everyone’s mom was dead and real princesses get beheaded, so I just have a more realistic take on it."
- Amy Schumer
“Always forgive your enemies – nothing annoys them so much.”
Oscar Wilde
"Why don't you go home to your wife? Better yet, I'll go home to your wife, and outside of the improvement, she won't notice any difference."
“The worst moment today has happened. That was when the alarm went off and I realized it was Monday.”
"Many so-called spiritual people, they overeat, drink too much, they smoke and don't exercise. But they do go to church every week and pray 'Please help my arthritis. Please help me bring up my strength, make me young again.'"
- Jack LaLanne
“The older I get, the better I used to be.” – Lee Trevino
“On the internet, you can be anything you want. It’s strange that so many people choose to be stupid.”
Anonymous
“Keep calm and pretend it’s not Monday.”
"I figure that if the children are alive when I get home, I’ve done my job." – Roseanne Barr
“Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.”—George Burns
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes. Jim Carrey
“Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.”—Benjamin Franklin
“Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.”
Jim Carrey
“Low self-esteem is like driving through life with your hand-break on.”
– Maxwell Maltz
"Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted."
"Backpacking is money spent on education."
“Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?”
Jerry Seinfeld
“If I'm ever being chased by a giraffe I'm gonna run into a place with low ceiling fans. Sorry, giraffe, but I gotta do what's best for me."
- Amber Tozer
“Let a man walk ten miles steadily on a hot summer’s day along a dusty English road, and he will soon discover why beer was invented.”
- Gilbert K. Chesterton
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” —Phyllis Diller
“The trouble with the IRS is that 90% of its members give the rest a bad name.”
“The closest to perfection a person ever comes is when he fills out a job application form.” — Stanley J. Randall
"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception."
"I hate mornings, they start so early."
— Janet Evanovich
“When you’re in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, ‘D***, that was fun.'”
— Groucho Marx
I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ. -- Mahatma Ghandi
“A perfect parent is a person with excellent child-rearing theories and no actual children.” —Dave Barry
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.” - Wendy Liebman
“Aerodynamics are for people who can’t build engines.”
– Enzo Ferrari
"What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds."
- Cindy Garner.
"I can rise and shine, just not at the same time."
– Unknown
“Fine! You guys can all be beautiful snowflakes! I’m gonna go over here and be an awkward snowflake!”
― Robyn Schneider
“The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you’ve got it.” — Groucho Marx
“What brothers say to tease their sisters has nothing to do with what they really think of them.”—Esther Friesner
"So I stepped away for like two seconds…” – the beginning of every parenting horror story." — Anonymous
"When I asked you to water the plants,
I did not expect you'd unzip your pants."
- Mike Garofalo
“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.“
Rodney Dangerfield
“My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.”
Dave Barry
“Love is a lot like a backache; it doesn’t show up on X-Rays, but you know it’s there.” - George Burns
“I intend to live forever. So far, so good.”
Steven Wright
“The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30% of their ice cream”
– Bill Murray
“As a parent you’ve only got one job to do: Keep your daughter off the pole.”
- Chris Rock.
"I haven’t worn these trousers since I bought them. I should definitely pack them for my 3-day vacation. Just in case."
“I'm not napping this is savasana.”
- Berndt Vogel
“Always hike with someone in worse shape than you. The bears out there will know.”
"An expert is a man who has made all the mistakes which can be made in a very narrow field."
~ Niels Bohr
"People should fall in love with their eyes closed."
- Andy Warhol
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