"A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand."
— Barbara Johnson
“So far as I know, anything worth hearing is not usually uttered at seven o’clock in the morning; and if it is, it will generally be repeated at a more reasonable hour for a larger and more wakeful audience.”
— Moss Hart
"I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap." - Bob Hope
“Spring is when you feel like whistling, even with a shoe full of slush.”
– Doug Larson
“Parenting is a constant battle between going to bed to catch up on some sleep or staying awake to finally get some alone time.” — Anonymous
“Having a family is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.”
- Martin Mull.
“I’m looking forward to seeing pie this Thanksgiving more than members of my own family.” —Damien Fahey
“Having those weird conversations with your friend and thinking “if anyone heard us, we’d be put in a mental facility.”
— Unknown
“I now pronounce you man and wife. You may now change your Facebook status.”—Anonymous
"It's rude to count people as you pass them. Out loud."
From an Adidas ad
“Scientists say the world is made of protons, neutrons, and electrons. they forgot to mention morons.”
Anonymous
“I won’t be impressed with technology until I can download food.”
― Unknown
“My esteem in this country has gone up substantially. It is very nice now that when people wave at me, they use all their fingers.”
Jimmy Carter
“Best Friend: One million memories, ten thousand inside jokes, one hundred shared secrets.”
— Unknown
"A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke."
"If I hold a can of soda up to my ear and listen carefully, I can hear my bones pleading for a glass of milk."
– Bridger Winegar
"An income tax form is like a laundry list - either way you lose your shirt."
- Fred Allen
"There’s a reason why forty, fifty, and sixty don’t look the way they used to and it’s not because of feminism, or better living through exercise. It’s because of hair dye." Nora Ephron
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
Lana Turner
"Looking fifty is great—if you’re sixty." - Joan Rivers
“Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with someone long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family.”—Chelsea Handler
"Ignorance is a form of environmental pollution."
Anonymous
"Most people work just hard enough to not get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit." ~ George Carline
"Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it."
Anonymous
“So. Monday. We meet again. We will never be friends—but maybe we can move past our mutual enmity toward a more-positive partnership.”
— Julio Alexi Genao
"There is a very easy way to return from a casino with a small fortune: go there with a large one." ~ Jack Yelton
"People complain that there are delays on flights. Delays, really? New York to California in five hours, that used to take 30 years."
- Louis C.K.
"I’m so cool I wasn’t actually born, I was defrosted."
"The trouble with eating Italian food is that, five or six days later, you're hungry again."
– George Miller
“I find being a Pisces a bit of a rollercoaster sometimes! I can talk myself right in and right out of any decision, any subject, any time.”
— Mary English
"The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office.” — Robert Frost
“If you want to know what God thinks of money, look at the people he gave it to.” —Dorothy Parker
“Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.”
- Douglas Adams
"The main point of a cruise is to eat until you weigh the same as the boat."
“Candy is nature’s way of making up for Mondays.”
— Rebecca Gober
“Parents of newborn babies are basically hostages in their own house with a severe case of Stockholm Syndrome.” – Nate Smith
“It took me three weeks to stuff the turkey. I stuffed it through the beak.” —Phyllis Diller
“The only yoga stretch I've perfected is the yawn.”
- Grant Tucker.
"Europeans: I drove 40 minutes to spend the weekend in Paris, then popped to Germany to visit family on the way home. Australians: I was in Queensland and drove for 18 hours. Now I’m still in Queensland."
“I’ve always loved yoga because you get to connect to a deep religious truth while stretching your legs.” — Katya Zamolodchikova
“Every time you feel yourself being pulled into other people’s drama, repeat these word: Not my circus, not my monkeys.”
Polish Proverb
“You don’t have to be crazy to be my friend. I’ll train you.”
— Unknown
"I've been on a diet for two weeks and all I've lost is two weeks."
— Totie Fields
“Never take a job where winter winds can blow up your pants.”
"Slow runners make fast runners look good. Thank you."
From the back of a T-shirt
“Today’s good mood is sponsored by yoga.” – Unknown
“Better a witty fool than a foolish wit.”
– William Shakespeare
"Behind every successful man is a woman; behind her is his wife."
“Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.” —Phyllis Diller
"Camping is a humanitarian effort to help feed hungry mosquitoes."
- Melanie White
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