“Best Friend: One million memories, ten thousand inside jokes, one hundred shared secrets.”
— Unknown
"Never order barbecue in a place that also serves quiche."
— Lewis Grizzard
“Truth hurts. Maybe not as much as jumping on a bicycle with a seat missing, but it hurts.”
Lt. Frank Drebin (Leslie Nielsen)
“Sisters never quite forgive each other for what happened when they were five.”—Pam Brown
"Yeah, working is great… but have you tried traveling?"
“There is nothing safer than flying, it’s crashing that is dangerous.”
- Theo Cowan
"If you don’t drink, smoke, or drive a car, you’re a tax evader."
– Thomas S Foley
"Life expectancy would grow by leaps and bounds if green vegetables smelled as good as bacon."
— Doug Larson
“Monday: nothing a bit of shopping can’t fix.”
“I was like, 'Am I gay? Am I straight?' And I realized... I'm just slutty. Where's my parade?” — Margaret Cho
“Me to my students every day: Close your eyes. If you can still see me, it could be a sign that your eyes are still open.” – Unknown
“The only exercise I’ve done this month is running out of money"
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile. -- Billy Sunday
“How many God-fearing, tax-paying, law-abiding men in Las Vegas does it take to light a bonfire? Both of them.”
"To lose weight, spend time at the gym. To appear like you've lost weight, spend time with people who are bigger than you."
- Mokokoma Mokhonoana
"Parenthood is a lot easier to get into then out of." – Bruce Lansky
"There is a very easy way to return from a casino with a small fortune: go there with a large one." ~ Jack Yelton
“It’s especially hard to admit that you made a mistake to your parents, because, of course, you know so much more than they do.”—Sean Covey, The 7 Habits Of Highly Effective Teens
“Husbands and wives are irritating. But without them, who would we blame for misplacing our socks?”—Janet Periat
"Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed." — Albert Einstein
"Men scream and go crazy in the gym. I'm a silent workout partner, but when my adrenaline gets up, I talk trash."
- Fergie
"I don't eat lobsters, shrimp, or crawfish because I don't eat anything that looks like I should step on it."
— George Carlin
"I’m getting tired of waking up and not being at the beach."
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.”—Phyllis Diller
"What a man needs in gardening is a cast-iron back, with a hinge in it."
- Charles Dudley Warner
“Sign for a beginner’s yoga class: Enquire Within.” – Unknown
“If you had to identify in one word the reason why the human race has not achieved and never will achieve its full potential, that word would be ‘meetings.” – Dave Barry
“I am having an out of money experience." ~Author Unknown
"Real gardeners buy at least ten thousand plants in the course of a lifetime without having the least idea where they'll put any of them when they get home."
— Anonymous
"Nobody expects to trust his body much after the age of fifty." - Alexander Hamilton
“Early to bed and early to rise probably indicates unskilled labor.” – John Ciardi
"I firmly believe the death tax is good for people from all walks of life all throughout our society."
— George W. Bush
“If inflation continues to soar, you’re going to have to work like a dog just to live like one." ~George Gobel
“Marriage is our last, best chance to grow up.” - Joseph Barth
“Oh yes I will work out today. I will work out a way to avoid running for a stupid cause.”
Stanley from The Office
“The advantage of having only one child is that you always know who did it.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“I can speak Esperanto like a native.”
Spike Milligan
"There’s one advantage to being 102, there’s no peer pressure." - Dennis Wolfberg
"I’m at that age where my back goes out more than I do." - Phyllis Diller
"I go running when I have to. Like when the ice cream truck is doing sixty."
Wendy Liebman
“Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?”
Jerry Seinfeld
“Yoga is too slow.” — Rob Gronkowski
At what age do you think it's appropriate to tell a highway it's adopted?
Zach Galifianakis
"Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today."
- Herman Wouk
“Self-love seems so often unrequited.”
– Anthony Powell
“Another day, another 13,000 calories.”
— Andy Lassner
"People ask me what I’d most appreciate getting for my eighty-seventh birthday. I tell them, a paternity suit." - George Burns
“Yoga instructor just emailed to say class is moved and thanks for our flexibility.” – Unknown
“Find a job you like and you add five days to every week."
~ H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
“Not everybody has to love me. I can’t force you to have good taste.”
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