“When it comes to taxes, there are two types of people. There are those that get it done early, also known as ‘psychopaths’, and then the rest of us.”
– Jimmy Kimmel
“Stupid people will mistake your confidence for arrogance.”
- Habeeb Akande
“All I ask is the chance to prove that money can’t make me happy.” Spike Milligan.
"The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for." - Will Rogers
"Worried about an IRS audit? Avoid what's called a red flag. That's something the IRS always looks for. For example, say you have some money left in your bank account after paying taxes. That's a red flag."
― Jay Leno
“Friends give you a shoulder to cry on. But best friends are ready with a shovel to hurt the person that made you cry.”
— Unknown
"People ask me what I’d most appreciate getting for my eighty-seventh birthday. I tell them, a paternity suit." - George Burns
“It doesn’t matter how low the dollar will go, I will always bend down and pick it up.” ~ Anonymous
“I do yoga so that I can stay flexible enough to kick my own arse if necessary.” — Betsy Cañas Garmon
“The happiness of the bee and the dolphin is to exist. For man, it is to know that and to wonder at it.”
- Jacques Yves Cousteau.
“My family is really boring. They have a coffee table book called Pictures We Took Just to Use Up the Rest of the Film.”
- Penelope Lombard.
“When I hear somebody sigh, ‘Life is hard,’ I am always tempted to ask, ‘Compared to what?'”
Sydney J. Harris
“Coworkers are like Christmas lights. They hang together, half of them don’t work and the other half aren’t so bright.” – Anonymous
“Oh yes I will work out today. I will work out a way to avoid running for a stupid cause.”
Stanley from The Office
"Show me a man who is a good loser and I’ll show you a man who is playing golf with his boss."
~ Jim Murray
Gary Delaney
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
"Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know."
"When the waitress asked if I wanted my pizza cut into four or eight slices, I said, 'Four. I don't think I can eat eight."
— Yogi Berra
“If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? Do they get smart just in time to ask questions?”
– Scott Adams
“When you’re young, you think your dad is Superman. Then you grow up, and you realize he’s just a regular guy who wears a cape.” – Dave Attell
"Don't make love by the garden gate - love is blind, but the neighbours ain't." - Anonymous
"Old age is when you resent the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated because there are fewer articles to read." – George Burns
“Let a man walk ten miles steadily on a hot summer’s day along a dusty English road, and he will soon discover why beer was invented.”
- Gilbert K. Chesterton
"The only thing that hurts more than paying an income tax is not having to pay an income tax."
— Thomas Dewar
"Resting is a part of the process, even if it’s not a part of the plan."
— Carley Schweet
"Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." — Jules Renard
"Snack time heals all wounds."
— Bridger Winegar
"Motherhood – when 90% of your time is spent putting other people’s crap away." — Anonymous
“Sunshine and happiness go together like fish and chips!”
― Catherine Pulsifer
"What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?"
- George Carlin
“You know you are getting old when the candles on your birthday cake start to cost more than the cake itself.”
― Unknown
"Parenting is basically just listening to yourself talk because nobody else is." - Unknown
“If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.”
Steven Wright
"To lose weight, spend time at the gym. To appear like you've lost weight, spend time with people who are bigger than you."
- Mokokoma Mokhonoana
"Self-care is giving the world the best of you instead of what’s left of you."
— Katie Reed
"A man's only as old as the woman he feels."
“Low self-esteem is like driving through life with your hand-break on.”
– Maxwell Maltz
"To cease smoking is the easiest thing I ever did. I ought to know because I've done it a thousand times." —Mark Twain
“There is no worse parent than an unhappy parent!”
― Rossana Condoleo
“I don’t like when I'm all stress-free and peacefully relaxing on the couch and then, out of nowhere, Monday comes along and punches you right off the couch!”
"Don’t forget to drink water and get some sun. You’re basically a houseplant with more complicated emotions."
“I like tea and yoga, but I don’t do yoga.” – Moby
“Running a marathon takes balls, other sports just play with them.” – Unknown
"They say true love hides in every corner. I must be walking in circles." - Unknown
“Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.” — George Carlin
“A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows you are slightly cracked.”
— Bernard Meltzer
Summer is like the ultimate one-night stand...hot as hell, totally thrilling, and gone before you know it.
"Many so-called spiritual people, they overeat, drink too much, they smoke and don't exercise. But they do go to church every week and pray 'Please help my arthritis. Please help me bring up my strength, make me young again.'"
- Jack LaLanne
"I run so my goals in life will continue to get bigger instead of my belly."
Bill Kirby
“Saw a chameleon today so I'm assuming it wasn't a very good one." - Unknown Author
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