“You’re making it difficult for me to be the parent I always imagined I would be." - Anonymous
“How is it that the first piece of luggage on the airport carousel never belongs to everyone?”
— George Roberts
“I am having an out of money experience." ~Author Unknown
“A child is a curly dimpled lunatic." – Ralph Emerson
"Your diet is a bank account. Good food choices are good investments."
— Bethenny Frankel
“I was just thinking, if it is really religion with these nudist colonies, they sure must turn atheists in the wintertime.”
– Will Rogers
“I thought I’d become an actress, but then I realized I eat too much.”
― Chelsea Handler
"Grandchildren don’t make a man feel old, it’s the knowledge that he’s married to a grandmother that does." - J. Norman Collie
“There’s no such thing as bad weather, just soft people.”
– Bill Bowerman
“When you are stressed you eat ice cream, cake, chocolate and sweets because stressed spelled backward is desserts.”
― Unknown
“If a cluttered desk is a sign of a cluttered mind, of what, then, is an empty desk a sign?”
– Albert Einstein
“Set your clocks at the start of the weekend so that you know just how much fun time you get to have. Then smash your clocks so you won't know when Monday starts.”
“When there’s snow on the ground L like to pretend I'm walking on clouds.”
“To make a million, start with $900,000.” - Morton Shulman.
“Enjoy every second of Sunday, for when you least expect Monday comes to haunt you.”
“Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.” - Kathy Mohnke
“Unless you are a pizza, the answer is yes, I can live without you.”
― Bill Murray
“When late morning rolls around and you’re feeling a bit out of sorts, don’t worry; you’re probably just a little eleven o’clockish.”
– Unknown
We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.
Rodney Dangerfield
"Some people would fall in or out of love with you if you lose or gain a few kilos."
- Mokokoma Mokhonoana
“Anorexia is a disease not a fashion statement.”
Brooke
"Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint." —Mark Twain
"A change of latitude would help my attitude."
"Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you."
“Money often costs too much.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson
"In the morning a man walks with his whole body; in the evening, only with his legs."
— Ralph Waldo Emerson
"Red meat is not bad for you. Now blue-green meat, that's bad for you!" - Tommy Smothers
“A woman is like a tea bag – you can’t tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water.”
Eleanor Roosevelt
“The secret to a long marriage is to stay gone.” - Dolly Parton
"Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it."
Anonymous
“When it comes to taxes, there are two types of people. There are those that get it done early, also known as ‘psychopaths’, and then the rest of us.”
– Jimmy Kimmel
“Never eat more than you can lift.”
Miss Piggy
“As you get older, three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two.”
Sir Norman Wisdom
“A mother becomes a true grandmother the day she stops noticing the terrible things her children do because she is so enchanted with the wonderful things her grandchildren do.”—Lois Wyse
“There is nowhere morning does not go.”
– Leah Hager Cohen
“A good friend will always stab you in the front.”
— Oscar Wilde
“So. Monday. We meet again. We will never be friends — but maybe we can move past our mutual enmity toward a more positive partnership.”
“When it snows you have two choices. Shovel or snow angels.”
"Love is a lot like a backache, it doesn't show up on X rays, but you know it's there." George Burns
"You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance."
– Franklin P. Jones
"Everybody makes mistakes. The trick is to make mistakes when no one is looking."
~ Anonymous
"It's unsticking-your-thighs-from-a-plastic-chair season"
“Jet lag is for amateurs.”
— Dick Clark
“Why do people say they wish every day was Friday? If it was always Friday, we’d be here every freakin’ day.” — Ed Bernard
"I can't make you love me, but I can fill my pantry with your favorite snacks and offer you a weekly stipend of $75." — Rob Delaney
“Money can’t buy happiness. But it can buy plants, and that’s the same thing.”
— Anonymous
“What is the only flaw of being intelligent?…that you have to deal with stupid people.”
Anonymous
"A stupid person laughs three times at a joke; once when everyone else is laughing, a second time when he actually gets the joke, and a third time when he realizes he was laughing without getting the joke at first."
“It’s paradoxical that the idea of living a long life appeals to everyone, but the idea of getting old doesn’t appeal to anyone.” - Andy Rooney
All the men in my family are bald, and all the women are hunchbacked – and they don’t know we’re bald.
Mark Roberts
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