“I smiled right after getting up. I think I dislocated my face. Good Morning!”
– Unknown
“Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.”
Miles Kington
“I used to believe my father about everything, but then I had children myself and now I see how much stuff you make up just to keep yourself from going crazy.”
- Brian Andreas.
“Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a refund from the IRS, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with." ~From a Washington Post word contest
"Airplane travel is nature's way of making you look like your passport photo."
- Al Gore
“I celebrated Thanksgiving the old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.” —Jon Stewart
“Talking about music is like dancing about architecture.”
Steve Martin
“Never have more children than you have car windows.”
– Erma Bombeck
"Don’t believe everything you think."
Anonymous
“Carpe per diem – seize the check.” – Robin Williams.
“When it snows you have two choices. Shovel or snow angels.”
“I now pronounce you man and wife. You may now change your Facebook status.”—Anonymous
"Yesterday I read the horoscope and it was written:" Born of Gemini will be happy in 2018. "I was very sad that I didn't have a twin."
“I believe someone made a grievous mistake when summer was created; no novitiate or god in their right mind would make a season akin to hell on purpose. Someone should be fired.”
― Michelle Franklin
“I just want to be friends. Plus a little extra. Also, I love you.” - Dwight Schrute, 'The Office'
"There can be no taxation without misrepresentation."
— J.B. Handelsman
“If you think money doesn’t grow on trees, you ain’t checking every limb.” – Chamillionaire
“Love means never having to say “Should we get dessert?”
― Unknown
“Have you ever noticed how parents can go from the most wonderful people in the world to totally embarrassing in three seconds?”—Rick Riordan, The Red Pyramid
"There are no gardening mistakes, only experiments."
— Janet Kilburn Phillips
“If you want to know how your girl will treat you after marriage, just listen to her talking to her little brother.” — Sam Levenson
"I didn’t get old on purpose, it just happened. If you’re lucky, it could happen to you." – Andy Ronney
"I never eat November’s snowflakes, I always wait until December.” – Lucy from television show Peanuts
“I’ve never met an animal I didn’t like, and I can’t say the same thing about people.”
- Doris Day.
“All the things I like to do are either immoral, illegal, or fattening.” —Alexander Woollcott
“If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee.”
Abraham Lincoln
"Your first job is to prepare the soil. The best tool for this is your neighbor's motorized garden tiller. If your neighbor does not own a garden tiller, suggest that he buy one."
- Dave Barry
“A true friend is someone who is there for you when they would rather be someplace else.”
– Len Wein
“You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.”
George Burns
"Let's have a moment of silence for all those Americans who are stuck in traffic on their way to the gym to ride the stationary bicycle."
- Earl Blumenauer.
"Parents don’t really go on holidays. They just look after their kids in a different country for a while."
“The Government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend upon the support of Paul.”
– George Bernard Shaw
“If only God would give me a clear sign, like making a large deposit in my swiss bank account." ~ Woody Allen
“I’m glad it’s finally hot enough to complain about how hot it is.”
“Money and women. They’re two of the strongest things in the world. The things you do for a woman you wouldn’t do for anything else. Same with money.” — Satchel Paige
“Friends are people who know you really well and like you anyway.”
Greg Tamblyn
"Funny, I've met a lot of pin-up girls, but I've never been able to pin one down."
“The only reason I made a commercial for American Express was to pay for my American Express bill.” Peter Ustinov.
“Spring is nature’s way of saying, ‘Let’s party!’”
– Robin Williams
"I believe that the good Lord gave us a finite number of heartbeats and I'm damned if I'm going to use up mine running up and down a street."
Neil Armstrong
“You’ve got to be very careful if you don’t know where you are going, because you might not get there.”
Yogi Berra
“Pride, commitment and teamwork are words they use to get you to work for free.” – Anonymous
“Why is Monday so far from Friday? And why is Friday so close to Monday?”
"Stupid is when you spend 18 hours trying to drown a fish."
Anonymous
“Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another, ‘What! You too? I thought I was the only one!”
— C.S. Lewis
“A man’s womenfolk, whatever their outward show of respect for his merit and authority, always regard him secretly as an ass, and with something akin to pity.”
- H. L. Mencken.
"Eating words has never given me indigestion." —Winston Churchill
"The trouble with jogging is that the ice falls out of your glass."
Martin Mull
“I think a dysfunctional family is any family with more than one person in it.”
- Mary Karr
“Mondays are a lot like getting fat. They make you feel sad, sometimes angry and there is not much scope for liking either fat or Mondays for any reason.”
– Garry Moll
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