Most people would like to be delivered from temptation but would like it to keep in touch. -- Robert Orben
“In the family sandwich, the older people and the younger ones can recognize one another as the bread. Those in the middle are, for a time, the meat.”
- Anna Quindlen
"When our relatives are at home, we have to think of all their good points or it would be impossible to endure them.”
- George Bernard Shaw
“Due to lack of interest. Monday has been canceled.”
“The thing about parenting rules is there aren’t any. That’s what makes it so difficult.”
- Ewan McGregor.
"Funny, I've met a lot of pin-up girls, but I've never been able to pin one down."
“Whenever a man does a thoroughly stupid thing, it is always from the noblest motives.”
- Oscar Wilde
“She says you’re not awake until you’re actually out of bed and standing up.”
– Richelle Mead
“Adults are always asking children what they want to be when they grow up because they’re looking for ideas.” —Paula Poundstone
“When I was young, I loved summer and hated winter. When I got older I loved winter and hated summer. Now that I’m even older, and wiser, I hate both summer and winter.” — Jarod Kintz
"The word aerobics came about when the gym instructors got together and said, 'If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it jumping up and down'" - Rita Rudner
"If I’d known I was going to live this long, I’d have taken better care of myself." - Anonymous
"Lose an hour in the morning and you will spend all day looking for it." — Richard Whately
“Did you know the actual difference between hill and hell is just a fine line?”
"Runner's logic: I'm tired. Let me go for a run."
Unknown
“The greatest lesson in life is to know that even fools are right sometimes.”
– Winston S. Churchill
“The only exercise I’ve done this month is running out of money"
"Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you."
“Always forgive your enemies – nothing annoys them so much.”
Oscar Wilde
“I’ve got 99 problems and I’m gonna go to yoga and solve about 53 of them.” -Unknown
“Trying to do your own taxes is like a do-it-yourself mugging.”
“A lot of people like snow. I find it to be an unnecessary freezing of water.”
– Carl Reiner
“Winter is not a season, it’s an occupation.” — Sinclair Lewis
"If we shake out all of the crumbs from all of the keyboards in the world, we can end world hunger."
— Matthew Dolkart
“After a good dinner, one can forgive anybody, even one’s own relations.” —Oscar Wilde
“Being part of a family means smiling for photos.” –Harry Morgan
“Parents of newborn babies are basically hostages in their own house with a severe case of Stockholm Syndrome.” – Nate Smith
“You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they’re going.”
—P. J. O’Rourke
"My routine is to ride that snooze button as far as it will take me, take a quick shower, get dressed in the dark and bolt out the door."
— Willie Geist
“Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers.” — Homer Simpson
"Fish is the only food that is considered spoiled once it smells like what it is."
— P. J. O'Rourke
"If the poor overweight jogger only knew how far he had to run to work off the calories in a crust of bread he might find it better in terms of pound per mile to go to a massage parlor."
- Christiaan Barnard
“How did my driving test go? You could say I mailed it!”
A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
Steve Martin
"One man alone can be pretty dumb sometimes, but for real bona fide stupidity, nothin' can beat teamwork."
- Edward Abbey
“All I ask is a chance to prove that money can’t make me happy." ~ Spike Milligan
“Never face facts; if you do you’ll never get up in the morning.”
— Marlo Thomas
“An instructor once gave the following cue in yoga class: “Relax your pancreas.” I don’t even know where my pancreas is, never mind how to relax it! I giggled for the rest of the class.” – Mel Farrimond
“The easiest job in the world has to be coroner. Surgery on dead people. What’s the worst thing that could happen? If everything went wrong, maybe you’d get a pulse.” — Dennis Miller
"A girl can wait for the right man to come along but in the meantime that doesn’t mean she can’t have a wonderful time with all the wrong ones." — Cher
“If there is a WILL, there are 500 relatives.” – Anonymous
“The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.”
— George Carlin
"Love can change a person the way a parent can change a baby — awkwardly, and often with a great deal of mess." — Lemony Snicket
"If anyone is Christmas shopping for me, I wear a size 7-day Caribbean cruise."
“Today’s good mood is sponsored by yoga.” – Unknown
"A man is only as old as the woman he feels."
"Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy." ~ Groucho Marx
"Day in and day out, your tax accountant can make or lose more money than any single person in your life with the possible exception of your kids."
― Harvey Mackay
"Looking fifty is great—if you’re sixty." - Joan Rivers
“A true friend is someone who is there for you when they would rather be someplace else.”
– Len Wein
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