"Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet."
Unknown
“Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.”
George Carlin
A weed is a plant that is not only in the wrong place but intends to stay.”
— Sara Stein
I went to a therapy group to help me cope with loneliness, but no one else turned up.
Stewart Francis
“You want to know what it’s like having a fourth kid? Imagine you’re drowning, then someone hands you a baby.”
- Jim Gaffigan.
"Start slow, then taper off."
Walt Stack
“Avoid any diet that discourages the use of hot fudge.”
Tom Waits
"I always write “Wake Up” on my To-Do-List so I can at least accomplish one thing a day."
– Unknown
"I really don't think I need buns of steel. I'd be happy with buns of cinnamon."
— Ellen DeGeneres
“Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet service to see who they really are.” —Will Ferrell
"Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread, and pumpkin pie."
— Jim Davis
"Behind every successful man is a woman; behind her is his wife."
“I say if you love something, set it in a small cage and pester and smother it with love until it either loves you back or dies.” — Mindy Kaling
All the men in my family are bald, and all the women are hunchbacked – and they don’t know we’re bald.
Mark Roberts
"Before we got married I caught her in my arms. Now I catch her in my pockets." - Joginder Singh
“If you are not killing plants, you are not really stretching yourself as a gardener.”
— J.C. Raulston
“Nothing compares to the stomach ache you get from laughing with friends.”
— Unknown
“Man is an animal that makes bargains: no other animal does this - no dog exchanges bones with another.”
- Adam Smith.
“Have you ever noticed how parents can go from the most wonderful people in the world to totally embarrassing in three seconds?”—Rick Riordan, The Red Pyramid
“The better I get to know men, the more I find myself loving dogs.”
- Charles De Gaulle.
Crocodiles are easy. They try to kill and eat you.
People are harder. They pretend to be your friend first.
- Steve Irwin
Woddy Allen
Honolulu – it’s got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife’s mother.
"Life expectancy would grow by leaps and bounds if green vegetables smelled as good as bacon." - Doug Larson
"I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight."
– Rita Rudner
“Hiking is the only slightly less ugly stepsister of running.” – Lindy Hughes
“Coexistence: What the farmer does with the turkey—until Thanksgiving.” —Mike Connolly
“I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance: waiting for the bathroom.”
Bob Hope
"For marriage to be a success, every woman and every man should have her and his own bathroom. The end." — Catherine Zeta-Jones
“If you’re searching for that one person that will change your life, take a look in the mirror.”
"I bought my wife a ticket to go on a cruise. It's no Titanic, but I'm optimistic."
"I was thinking about how people seem to read the bible a lot more as they get older, and then it dawned on me—they’re cramming for their final exam."- George Carlin
"A survey says that American workers work the first three hours every day just to pay their taxes. So that's why we can't get anything done in the morning: We're government workers."
— Jay Leno
“People that cheat on their taxes truly disgust me. This is not the world I want to raise my 27 dependents in.”
“I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.”—Erma Bombeck
“Pride, commitment and teamwork are words they use to get you to work for free.” – Anonymous
"Then there was the man who declared in court, he wasn't a person. "Excuse me, sir, why haven't you paid your taxes." "Well, as you can clearly see, I am not a person." "Well, you look like a person." "No it's all done with mirrors, trust me!"
- Lewis Black
“New pick-up line to try today: “Hey, are you a turkey? Because I want to gobble you up and then fall asleep.” — Rebel Wilson
"If the poor overweight jogger only knew how far he had to run to work off the calories in a crust of bread he might find it better in terms of pound per mile to go to a massage parlor."
- Christiaan Barnard
"There’s nothing more tedious than seeing how a person shows his intellect, especially if there isn’t any."
- Erich Maria Remarque
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” —Phyllis Diller
"I'm not sure what makes pepperoni so good if it's the pepper or the oni."
— Ulrik Stephens
“Morning will come, it has no choice.”
— Marty Rubin
“Monday I shall slay thee with my mighty cup of coffee.”
“If you’re going to tell people the truth, be funny or they’ll kill you.”
Billy Wilder
“Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I’m not sure about the former.”
- Albert Einstein
“There are only two seasons – winter and Baseball.” – Bill Veeck
"Red meat is not bad for you. Now blue-green meat, that's bad for you!" - Tommy Smothers
"The only time to eat diet food is while you're waiting for the steak to cook."
— Julia Child
“If you think money doesn’t grow on trees, you ain’t checking every limb.” – Chamillionaire
"Anything is good if it's made of chocolate."
— Jo Brand
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