“Dogs are great. Bad dogs, if you can really call them that, are perhaps the greatest of them all.”—John Grogan
"Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education."
— Mark Twain
“Here’s something to think about: How come you never see a headline like ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’?”
Jay Leno
“Roadtripophobia (n.) The fear of not having any road trips currently booked.“
“Dogs have boundless enthusiasm but no sense of shame. I should have a dog as a life coach.”
- Moby.
“A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.'”
Claude Pepper
"I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by."
~ Douglas Adams
“When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason, there’s a reason.” - Molly McGee
The first time I sang in the church choir, two hundred people changed their religion.
Fred Allen
"Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your retirement home."- Phyllis Diller
[on filing for tax returns] "This is too difficult for a mathematician. It takes a philosopher."
- Albert Einstein
"Ah, yes, divorce… A Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet." ~ Robin Williams
“I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.”
- John Lyon.
“SMONDAY: The moment when Sunday stops feeling like a Sunday and the anxiety of Monday kicks in.”
If I don’t make it to heaven, at least I know what hell feels like with this heat!”
― April Mae Monterrosa
“Early to bed, early to rise, work like hell and fertilize!”
— Anonymous
“If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.”
Steven Wright
“My keyboard must be broken, I keep hitting the escape key, but I’m still at work.” — Author Unknown
“What’s the use of happiness? It can’t buy you money." ~ Henny Youngman
"Early morning cheerfulness can be extremely obnoxious."
— William Feather
“What brothers say to tease their sisters has nothing to do with what they really think of them.”—Esther Friesner
“Excercise? I thought you said extra fries.”
I’m sure wherever my dad is he’s looking down on us… he’s not dead… just very condescending.
Jack Whitehall
“Have you ever noticed how parents can go from the most wonderful people in the world to totally embarrassing in three seconds?”—Rick Riordan, The Red Pyramid
“Monday is almost Tuesday, which is not so far from Wednesday which is neighboring Thursday, and Friday. Enjoy your day!”
“A lot of Thanksgiving Days have been ruined by not carving the turkey in the kitchen.” —Kin Hubbard
“From the ages of eight to 18, me and my family moved around a lot. Mostly we would just stretch, but occasionally one of us would actually get up to go to the fridge.”
Jarod Kintz
"Taurus won't forget it. Taurus doesn't forget anything."
— Linda Goodman
“Best friends know how crazy you are and still choose to be seen with you in public.”
— Unknown
“There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face."
Ben Williams
“Whenever I travel with my 4 young kids I always forget something. Like how stupid it is to travel with 4 young kids.”
– Jim Gaffigan
“If you don’t annoy your big sister for no good reason from time to time, she thinks you don’t love her anymore.”—Pearl Cleage
“I love money. I love everything about it. I bought some pretty good stuff. Got me a $300 pair of socks. Got a fur sink. An electric dog polisher. A gasoline powered turtleneck sweater. And, of course, I bought some dumb stuff, too.” – Steve Martin
“You don’t have to be crazy to be my friend but it sure helps!”
— Unknown
“The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one.” — Oscar Wilde
“A failure is like fertilizer; it stinks to be sure, but it makes things grow faster in the future.”
Denis Waitley
"I put a dollar in one of those changed machines. Nothing changed." ~ George Carlin
"Humor keeps us alive. Humor and food. Don't forget food. You can go a week without laughing."
— Joss Whedon
“Beaver do better work than the Corps of Engineers.”
- Mike Todd.
"I want to live in the world where searching for plane tickets burns calories."
"Accountant after reading a nursery rhyme to his child: “No, son. It wouldn't be tax deductible when Little Bo Peep loses her sheep. But I like your thinking."
“If you can walk away from a landing, it’s a good landing. If you can use the aircraft the next day, it’s an outstanding landing.”
- Chuck Yeager
"If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again."
"The bravest thing that men do is love women." — Mort Sahl
“Children may be deductible, but they are still taxing.”
“Scientists say the world is made of protons, neutrons, and electrons. they forgot to mention morons.”
Anonymous
“I do Yoga to relieve stress… Just kidding I drink wine in yoga pants.” — Anonymous
"A perfect summer day is when the sun is shining, the breeze is blowing, the birds are singing, and the lawn mower is broken."
- James Dent
"In every good marriage, it pays sometimes to be a little deaf." — Ruth Bader Ginsburg
Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.
Oscar Wilde
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