“Good morning world! Your little ray of sarcastic sunshine has arrived.”
– Unknown
"Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I spin around and pin the guy's arm behind his back. Now who's asking the questions?" — Jack Handy
“Working is bad enough in the winter, but in the summer it can become completely intolerable.”-
Tom Hodgkinson
"When reality and dreams collide, typically it’s just your alarm clock going off.”
— Crystal Woods
“Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should just live next door and visit now and then.”—Katherine Hepburn
“Becoming a mom to me means that you have accepted that for the next 16 years of your life, you will have a sticky purse.”
- Nia Vardalos.
"Alcohol may be man's worst enemy but the Bible says to love your enemy."
- Frank Sinatra
“I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.” – Lily Tomlin
"Like all bad drivers, he thought he was the best driver in the world."
- Rebecca West
“Thanksgiving is a lot like Christmas, except you don’t get any presents for holding in your familial rage.” -Unknown
“If you live to be one hundred, you’ve got it made. Very few people die past that age.”
George Burns
“Friends are people who know you really well and like you anyway.”
Greg Tamblyn
"Life is too short for self-hatred and celery sticks."
– Marilyn Wann
“No man goes before his time—unless the boss leaves early.” — Groucho Marx
“You can tell you ate too much for Thanksgiving when you have to let your bathrobe out.” —Jay Leno
"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."
“You know, maybe this will be a good Thanksgiving. Just us and the kids. You cook and I’ll watch football with my pants open all day.” — Ray Romano, “Everybody Loves Raymond”
“The light made the snowballs look yellow. Or at least I hoped that was the cause.” — Gary D. Schmidt
“Dogs laugh, but they laugh with their tails.”
- Max Eastman.
“Never have more children than you have car windows.”
- Erma Bombeck
"Why don't you go home to your wife? Better yet, I'll go home to your wife, and outside of the improvement, she won't notice any difference."
"Everyone is born equal in life, until they get married." — Anonymous
As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.
Buddy Hackett
“It’s money. I remember it from when I was single” — Billy Crystal
“The only thing that kids wear out faster than shoes is their parents.”
- John J. Plomp.
“If you can find a path with no obstacles, it probably doesn’t lead anywhere.” – Frank A. Clark
"I don't do alcohol anymore—I get the same effect just standing up fast." - Anonymous
“To hike is to complain.” – Dean Johnston
"Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot."
“Truth hurts. Maybe not as much as jumping on a bicycle with a seat missing, but it hurts.”
Lt. Frank Drebin (Leslie Nielsen)
“Monday is almost Tuesday, which is not so far from Wednesday which is neighboring Thursday, and Friday. Enjoy your day!”
“How can something so small create so much of something so disgusting?”
- Michael, ‘Three Men And A Baby.’
"It is amazing how quickly the kids learn to drive a car, yet are unable to understand the lawnmower, snowblower, or vacuum cleaner." – Ben Bergor
“Money isn’t everything, but it’s a long way ahead of what comes next.” - Edmund Stockdale
“You drink too much. Cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You’re everything I ever wanted in a friend.”
— Unknown
“A lot of people quit looking for work as soon as they find a job.” — Zig Ziglar
"Food is an important part of a balanced diet." —Fran Lebowitz
"I guess I think of lotteries as a tax on the mathematically challenged."
- Roger Jones
"The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you're not in shape for it, it's too far to walk back."
Franklin Jones
Trust is like a mirror, you can fix it if it's broken, but you can still see the crack in that bastard's reflection.
Lady Gaga
“If you don’t like how I drive, get off the sidewalk.”
“Size isn’t everything. The whale is endangered, while the ant continues to do just fine.”
- Bill Vaughan.
"Day in and day out, your tax accountant can make or lose more money than any single person in your life with the possible exception of your kids."
― Harvey Mackay
"The average, healthy, well-adjusted adult gets up at seven-thirty in the morning feeling just plain terrible."
— Jean Kerr
“Aquarians are sort of unorthodox, original people — sort of wack, witty mad-caps who refuse to follow the crowd and go their own way.”
— Joanna Martine Woolfolk
"Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do practice?" —George Carlin
I find that a duck’s opinion of me is heavily influenced by whether or not I have bread.
Mitch Hedberg
"What did the yogi tell the door-to-door salesperson who came to his home selling vacuum cleaners? Too many attachments!"
- Sadhana Yoga
"Don’t believe everything you think."
Anonymous
“There is no such thing as bad weather, only different kinds of good weather.”
– John Ruskin
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