"I prefer not to think before speaking. I like being as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth."
Anonymous
“A baseball game is twice as much fun if you’re seeing it on the company’s time.” — William C. Feather
“Parents must get across the idea that “I love you always, but sometimes I do not love your behavior.”—Amy Vanderbilt
“If there are ice cream trucks in the summer then why aren’t there Starbucks trucks in the winter?”
“Some of our greatest historical and artistic treasures we place with curators in museums; others we take for walks.”—Roger Caras
"At my age ‘getting lucky’ means walking into a room and remembering what I came in for." - Unknown
"When our relatives are at home, we have to think of all their good points or it would be impossible to endure them.”
- George Bernard Shaw
“A man says a lot of things in summer he doesn’t mean in winter.” – Patricia Briggs
“Ah, summer, what power you have to make us suffer and like it.”
-Russell Baker
“Thanksgiving is a time to count your blessings, one by one, as each relative goes home.”—Melanie White
"Fitness: If it came in a bottle, everyone would have a great body."
- Cher.
"My wife is really sentimental. One Valentine’s Day I gave her a ring and to this day she has never forgotten those three little words that were engraved inside — Made in Taiwan." — Leopold Fetchner
“Low self-esteem is like driving through life with your hand-break on.”
– Maxwell Maltz
“What’s your favorite childhood memory? Not paying bills.” – Anonymous
"I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits. he other two are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves"
“It is better to have one person working with you than three people working for you.” — Dwight D. Eisenhower
“Common sense and a sense of humor are the same thing, moving at different speeds. A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing.”
William James
"They say good things take time, so that’s why I’m always late."
"A man in love is not complete until he is married. Then he is finished."
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
“There should be a rule against people trying to be funny before the sun comes up.”
– Kristen Chandler
“Me to my students every day: Close your eyes. If you can still see me, it could be a sign that your eyes are still open.” – Unknown
“Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.” — George Carlin
“Working is bad enough in the winter, but in the summer it can become completely intolerable.”-
Tom Hodgkinson
“People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day!” — Anonymous
“I probably wouldn’t kill so many houseplants if they could scream for food and water the way my pets and children do.”
— Anonymous
“Bring a compass. It’s awkward when you have to eat your friends.”
“There were times my pants were so thin I could sit on a dime and tell if it was heads or tails.” -Spencer Tracy quotes
"If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire."
~ Cannon’s Law
"I love running cross country. On a track, I feel like a hamster."
Robin Williams
“Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.”
—P.J. O’Rourke
“Love means never having to say “Should we get dessert?”
― Unknown
“Some family trees bear an enormous crop of nuts.”
- Wayne H
"I refuse to spend my life worrying about what I eat. There is no pleasure worth forgoing just for an extra three years in the geriatric ward." - John Mortimer
"The older I get, the more clearly I remember things that never happened. - Mark Twain
“By the time you’re 80 years old you’ve learned everything. You only have to remember it.” —George Burns
“When it comes to staying young, a mind-lift beats a face-lift any day.” – Marty Buccella
“After scolding one’s cat one looks into its face and is seized by the ugly suspicion that it understood every word. And has filed it for reference.”
- Charlotte Gray.
"I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course."
"I have been to almost as many places as my luggage."
"So I stepped away for like two seconds…” – the beginning of every parenting horror story." — Anonymous
“Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but not necessary to show it off.“
Bill Murray
“I’m getting used to wearing flip-flops everywhere. It’s a dangerous place to be. Next thing you know, I’m gonna show to a board meeting in sandals.”
"To cease smoking is the easiest thing I ever did. I ought to know because I've done it a thousand times." —Mark Twain
“Never underestimate a child’s ability to get into more trouble.”
- Martin Mull.
“If you don’t annoy your big sister for no good reason from time to time, she thinks you don’t love her anymore.”—Pearl Cleage
“I figured out why Uncle Sam wears such a tall hat. It comes in handy when he passes it around.”
— Soupy Sales
Steven Wright
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
“Money’s only something you need in case you don’t die tomorrow." ~ Martin Sheen
“A pizza slice a day keeps sadness away.”
― Jet Paacal
“I didn’t fall for you, you tripped me!” - Jenny Han, 'To All the Boys I've Loved Before'
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