“Nutrition labels should include a “What if I ate the whole thing” section.”
― Unknown
“Watching a dog try to chew a large piece of toffee is a pastime fit for gods. Mr. Fusspot’s mixed ancestry had given him a dexterity of jaw that was truly awesome. He somersaulted happily around the floor, making faces like a rubber gargoyle in a washing machine.”—Terry Pratchett
"If you resolve to give up smoking, drinking and loving, you don't actually live longer; it just seems longer." - Clement Freud
“Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.” — Steven Wright
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship." ― Sharon Stone
"If I hold a can of soda up to my ear and listen carefully, I can hear my bones pleading for a glass of milk."
– Bridger Winegar
“That’s why I love road trips, dude. It’s like doing something without actually doing anything.”
– John Green
“I remember when yoga was called Twister.” – Unknown
“At the end of a rainbow, there’s a pot of gold. But when the weekend comes to an end, there’s only a Monday.”
“Always forgive your enemies – nothing annoys them so much.”
Oscar Wilde
“Good Morning! Open your mouth wide! I’ll just keep going and put that coffee right in there!”
– Unknown
“Why do they call it ‘beauty sleep’ when you wake up looking like a troll.”
– Unknown
"A perfect summer day is when the sun is shining, the breeze is blowing, the birds are singing, and the lawn mower is broken."
- James Dent
“I like football. I find it’s an exciting strategic game. It’s a great way to avoid conversation with your family at Thanksgiving.” —Craig Ferguson
“Hello, Monday! May I ask you a question? Why are you always back so quickly? Don’t you have a hobby?”
“Nothing burns like the cold.” — George R.R. Martin
“In a household of toddlers and pets, we discover this rule of thumb about happy families, that they are least two-thirds incontinent.”
- Robert Brault.
“If you have friends who are as weird as you, then you have everything.”
— Unknown
"Remember, the second most important thing to choosing the right shoe is choosing the left one."
Unknown
"Accountant after reading a nursery rhyme to his child: “No, son. It wouldn't be tax deductible when Little Bo Peep loses her sheep. But I like your thinking."
“You can tell you ate too much for Thanksgiving when you have to let your bathrobe out.” —Jay Leno
“Having a family is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.”
- Martin Mull.
"Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I spin around and pin the guy's arm behind his back. Now who's asking the questions?" — Jack Handy
“Any intelligent woman who reads the marriage contract, and then goes into it, deserves all the consequences.” — Isadora Duncan
“Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are.”
Will Ferrell
"Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist should have his head examined." - Samuel Goldwyn
“You can always tell when a man's well informed. His views are pretty much like your own.”
H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
"I am not an early bird or night owl; I’m some sort of permanently exhausted pigeon."
"Regrets are the natural property of grey hairs." - Charles Dickens
Housework is for people who don’t know how to garden.”
— Anonymous
"Popcorn for breakfast! Why not? It’s a grain. It’s like, like, grits, but with high self-esteem."
– James Patterson
“A lot of parents pack up their troubles and send them off to summer camp.”
– Raymond Duncan
"I orchestrate my mornings to the tune of coffee."
– Terri Guillemets
“If you live to be one hundred, you’ve got it made. Very few people die past that age.”
George Burns
"They say good things take time, so that’s why I’m always late."
"I went home with this French guy ’cause he said something adorable, like, ‘I have an apartment.’" — Amy Schumer
"I didn’t get old on purpose, it just happened. If you’re lucky, it could happen to you." – Andy Ronney
“Best Friend: One million memories, ten thousand inside jokes, one hundred shared secrets.”
— Unknown
“When I say I won’t tell anyone, my best friend doesn’t count.”
— Unknown
"At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom."
— George Carlin
"A Cancer's bed is their sanctuary. Therefore, if you can't find them, look under the down comforter."
— Unknown
“Dear winter, I’m breaking up with you. I think it’s time I start seeing other seasons. Summer is hotter than you.”
“Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun.”—Stephanie Ortiz
“I travel a lot, I hate having my life disrupted by routine.”
– Caskie Stinnett
Growth takes time. Be patient. And while you’re waiting, pull a weed.
— Emilie Barnes
“Old age isn’t so bad when you consider the alternative.” – Maurice Chevalier
“L.A. is so celebrity-conscious, there’s a restaurant that only serves Jack Nicholson — and when he shows up, they tell him there’ll be a ten-minute wait.”
Bill Maher
“Time is an illusion. Lunchtime is doubly so.” – Douglas Adams
"I don’t plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet." - Rita Rudner
“A mother becomes a true grandmother the day she stops noticing the terrible things her children do because she is so enchanted with the wonderful things her grandchildren do.”—Lois Wyse
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