"Old age is when you resent the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated because there are fewer articles to read." – George Burns
“Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are.”
Will Ferrell
“A baseball game is twice as much fun if you’re seeing it on the company’s time.” — William C. Feather
“They were a people so primitive they did not know how to get money, except by working for it.” Joseph Addison.
“As I have gotten older and wiser I discovered that there are six things that I really loved about my job. Pay day, lunch time, quitting time, vacation time, holidays, and of course retirement.” — Tom Goins
"Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe." – Jackie Mason
“If you stand in the meat section at the grocery store long enough, you start to get mad at turkeys. There’s turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastrami. Someone needs to tell the turkey, ‘Man, just be yourself.'” —Mitch Hedberg
“Good mashed potato is one of the great luxuries of life.” —Lindsey Bareham
"The average, healthy, well-adjusted adult gets up at seven-thirty in the morning feeling just plain terrible."
— Jean Kerr
"I go running when I have to. Like when the ice cream truck is doing sixty."
Wendy Liebman
“If you like people who do stupid sh#t all the time, become a parent." – Kelly Oxford
“When in doubt, yoga it out.” – Unknown
“Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet service to see who they really are.” —Will Ferrell
“To make a difference in someone’s life you don’t have to be brilliant, rich, beautiful, or perfect you just have to care enough and be there.”
— Unknown
"Backpacking is money spent on education."
“July is a blind date with summer.”
– Hal Borland
"Life seems to fade our memory, so on this birthday I will forget yours if you forget mine!" - Kate Summers
“Let a man walk ten miles steadily on a hot summer’s day along a dusty English road, and he will soon discover why beer was invented.”
- Gilbert K. Chesterton
“Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, you’ll be a mile from them, and you’ll have their shoes.”
- Jack Handey
“If you think money doesn’t grow on trees, you ain’t checking every limb.” – Chamillionaire
“A diamond is merely a lump of coal that did well under pressure.”
“A man says a lot of things in summer he doesn’t mean in winter.” – Patricia Briggs
"Today, you’re 50. Now we can round your age up to 100! Happy 50th birthday!" - Dave Barry"
“When asked about my hiking plan I answered “Let’s summit up”.”
"A good run is like a cup of coffee. I'm much nicer after I've had one."
Unknown
When I was a kid, I had two friends, and they were imaginary and they would only play with each other.
Rita Rudner
“Love is a lot like a backache; it doesn’t show up on X-Rays, but you know it’s there.” - George Burns
“Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.”
- Elbert Hubbard
“I didn’t get this physique by not eating tacos.”
― Jon Tester
“This crisp winter air is full of it.” – John Burroughs
"Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed." — Albert Einstein
“The more you’re loving and understanding, the more your kids will sing.”
- Maxime Lagacé
"Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night." —Dave Barry
"Run like there's a hot guy in front of you and a creepy one behind you."
Unknown
"You don't pay taxes ― they take taxes."
― Chris Rock
"I always thought a yard was three feet, then I started mowing the lawn."
- C.E. Cowman
"You can live to be a hundred if you give up all things that make you want to live to be a hundred." - Woody Allen
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
Jules Renard
“Laughter rises out of tragedy, when you need it the most, and rewards you for your courage.”
Erma Bombeck
"People complain that there are delays on flights. Delays, really? New York to California in five hours, that used to take 30 years."
- Louis C.K.
“There’s no such thing as bad weather, just soft people.”
– Bill Bowerman
“My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.”
Dave Barry
“I have an everyday religion that works for me. Love yourself first, and everything else falls into line.”
– Lucille Ball
People who want to share their religious views with you, almost never want you to share yours with them. -- Dave Barry
“I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.”—Erma Bombeck
“Friendship must be built on a solid foundation of alcohol, sarcasm, inappropriateness and shenanigans.”
— Unknown
“Aquarians are sort of unorthodox, original people — sort of wack, witty mad-caps who refuse to follow the crowd and go their own way.”
— Joanna Martine Woolfolk
"At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom."
— George Carlin
"Behind every successful man is a woman; behind her is his wife."
"Runner's logic: I'm tired. Let me go for a run."
Unknown
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