“Little known fact, gentlemen. Tacos are the food of genius.”
― Heather Brewer
“Yoga is not about tightening your ass. It’s about getting your head out of it.” — Eric Paskel
"The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs, one step at a time."
― Joe Girard
“Namastay 6 feet away.” – Unknown
"If only one could tell true love from false love as one can tell mushrooms from toadstools."
- Katherine Mansfield
“Don’t accept your dog’s admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.”
- Ann Landers.
Christianity is the strangest religion ever set up, for it committed a murder upon Jesus in order to redeem mankind from the sin of eating an apple. -- Thomas Paine
“Budget: a mathematical confirmation of your suspicions." ~A.A. Latimer
“A well-trained dog will make no attempt to share your lunch. He will just make you feel so guilty that you cannot enjoy it.”—Helen Thomson
“By the time you’re 80 years old you’ve learned everything. You only have to remember it.” - George Burns
“Respect your parents. These guys pay for your internet.”—Unknown
"People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy."
- Bob Hope
“My advice to you is get married: If you find a good wife you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher.” —Socrates
“If I’m not back in five minutes, just wait longer.”
Ace Ventura (Jim Carrey)
"I’m so cool that even ice cubes are jealous."
"At fifty, everyone has the face he deserves." - George Orwell
“Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? There’s a support group for that. It’s called everybody, and they meet at the bar.” – Drew Carey
“Road trips required a couple of things: a well-balanced diet of caffeine, salt, and sugar and an excellent selection of tunes—oh, and directions.”
– Jenn McKinlay
"What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds."
- Cindy Garner.
"Love may be the best driving wheel, but anger is a pretty good second."
– Steven Tyler
"Wisdom doesn’t necessarily come with age. Sometimes, age just shows up all by itself." - Tom Wilson
"I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met."
- Steven Wright
"If you want to know how old a woman is then ask her sister-in-law." - Edgar Howe
“Work is the greatest thing in the world, so we should always save some of it for tomorrow.” — Don Herold
“I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance—waiting for the bathroom.”—Bob Hope
“I am fond of pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.”
Winston Churchill
“A perfect parent is a person with excellent child-rearing theories and no actual children.” —Dave Barry
“All I ask is the chance to prove that money can’t make me happy.” Spike Milligan.
“I only go to yoga to drink wine, so I’m good. I just throw the calories right back in.” – Kaley Cuoco
“My Week is like: Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Blink, Monday.”
“Even if you are on the right track, you will get run over if you just sit there.” — Will Rogers
I’m sure wherever my dad is he’s looking down on us… he’s not dead… just very condescending.
Jack Whitehall
“Mother-daughter disagreements were, in hindsight, basically mother stating the truth and daughter taking her own sweet time coming around.”—Barbara Delinsky
“I think we’ll be friends forever because we’re too lazy to find new friends.”
— Unknown
“Don’t believe everything fortune cookies tell you. Just because they’re sweet doesn’t mean they’re right.”
― Unknown
“The road to success is always under construction.”
"A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday."
— Erma Bombeck
“Dear Monday, I want to break up. I’m seeing Tuesday and dreaming about Friday. Sincerely, it’s not me, it’s you.”
“The poor have more children, but the rich have more relatives.” – Unknown
“The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status, or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we all believe that we are above-average drivers.”
– Dave Barry
"My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes." — Emo Philips
“A woman is like a tea bag – you can’t tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water.”
Eleanor Roosevelt
“When you are stressed you eat ice cream, cake, chocolate and sweets because stressed spelled backward is desserts.”
― Unknown
"I am dying with the help of too many physicians." — Unknown
“You don’t have to be crazy to be my friend. I’ll train you.”
— Unknown
“I am convinced digestion is the great secret to life.”
Sydney Smith
“Sometimes when I close my eyes, I can’t see.”
“Teach your kids to spend more time annoying each other so they have less time to spend annoying you.”—Unknown
"I’m getting tired of waking up and not being at the beach."
“Nutrition labels should include a “What if I ate the whole thing” section.”
― Unknown
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