“By the time you’re 80 years old you’ve learned everything. You only have to remember it.” - George Burns
"Who is rich? He that is content. Who is that? Nobody.” ~ Benjamin Franklin
“Sometimes I’m so tired, I look down at what I’m wearing, and if it’s comfortable enough to sleep in, I don’t even make it into my pajamas. I’m looking down, and I’m like T-shirt and stretchy pants? Yup, that’s pajama-y. Good night.”
Rebecca Romijn
"It’s bad manners to let vacation wait!"
"Running won't solve all your problems. But then again, neither will housework."
Unknown
"I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining."
Summer is like the ultimate one-night stand...hot as hell, totally thrilling, and gone before you know it.
"You call it chaos. We call it a family vacation."
"Patience is not a virtue for Aries. The phrase Speak now or forever hold your peace, was probably created by an impatient Aries."
— Dr. Atara
“I say if you love something, set it in a small cage and pester and smother it with love until it either loves you back or dies.” — Mindy Kaling
"Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." — Jules Renard
“You can tell you ate too much for Thanksgiving when you have to let your bathrobe out.” —Jay Leno
“Climbing to the top of the mountain is fun, but everything is just downhill from there.”
“The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing – and then marry him.” — Cher
“I finally know what distinguishes man from other beasts: financial worries.” – Jules Renard
“There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face."
Ben Williams
“Anyone who says that money cannot buy happiness has clearly never spent their money on pizza.”
― Andrew W.K.
“Always hike with someone in worse shape than you. The bears out there will know.”
“An optimist is a person who starts a new diet on Thanksgiving Day.” —Irv Kupcinet
"Quit worrying about your health. It'll go away." —Robert Orben
“I have just returned from a children’s party. I’m one of the survivors.”
- Percy French.
“Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.”
—P.J. O’Rourke
“When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he’s doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“Flattery is like cologne water, to be smelt, not swallowed.”
Josh Billings
“How to get a yoga body: 1. Have a body 2. Do yoga.” – Unknown
“You fool! You’re 30 cents away from having a quarter!” –Sweet Dick Willie (Robin Harris)Do the Right Thing
“There were times my pants were so thin I could sit on a dime and tell if it was heads or tails.” -Spencer Tracy quotes
"The bravest thing that men do is love women." — Mort Sahl
"I'll have a double cappuccino, half-caf, non-fat milk, with enough foam to be aesthetically pleasing, but not so much that it would leave a mustache."
— Niles Crane
"If anyone is Christmas shopping for me, I wear a size 7-day Caribbean cruise."
“Best Friend: One million memories, ten thousand inside jokes, one hundred shared secrets.”
— Unknown
"Never order barbecue in a place that also serves quiche."
— Lewis Grizzard
“Truth hurts. Maybe not as much as jumping on a bicycle with a seat missing, but it hurts.”
Lt. Frank Drebin (Leslie Nielsen)
“Sisters never quite forgive each other for what happened when they were five.”—Pam Brown
"Yeah, working is great… but have you tried traveling?"
“There is nothing safer than flying, it’s crashing that is dangerous.”
- Theo Cowan
"If you don’t drink, smoke, or drive a car, you’re a tax evader."
– Thomas S Foley
"Life expectancy would grow by leaps and bounds if green vegetables smelled as good as bacon."
— Doug Larson
“Monday: nothing a bit of shopping can’t fix.”
“I was like, 'Am I gay? Am I straight?' And I realized... I'm just slutty. Where's my parade?” — Margaret Cho
“Me to my students every day: Close your eyes. If you can still see me, it could be a sign that your eyes are still open.” – Unknown
“The only exercise I’ve done this month is running out of money"
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile. -- Billy Sunday
“How many God-fearing, tax-paying, law-abiding men in Las Vegas does it take to light a bonfire? Both of them.”
"To lose weight, spend time at the gym. To appear like you've lost weight, spend time with people who are bigger than you."
- Mokokoma Mokhonoana
"Parenthood is a lot easier to get into then out of." – Bruce Lansky
"There is a very easy way to return from a casino with a small fortune: go there with a large one." ~ Jack Yelton
“It’s especially hard to admit that you made a mistake to your parents, because, of course, you know so much more than they do.”—Sean Covey, The 7 Habits Of Highly Effective Teens
“Husbands and wives are irritating. But without them, who would we blame for misplacing our socks?”—Janet Periat
"Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed." — Albert Einstein
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