"Love is not having to hold in your farts anymore." — Bree Luckey
“Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence in society.”
Mark Twain
"Military justice is to justice what military music is to music."
"Either he's dead or my watch has stopped."
"Before I speak, I have something important to say."
"My doctor recently told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already." —Milton Berle
“A day without yoga is like a sundae without sprinkles” — Emma Mildon
"I didn’t get old on purpose, it just happened. If you’re lucky, it could happen to you." – Andy Ronney
“Keep calm and ommm… nonommm…” — Anonymous
“I’ve noticed that one thing about parents is that no matter what stage your child is in, the parents who have older children always tell you the next stage is worse.”
- Dave Barry.
“Never let your friends be lonely…. Disturb them all the time.”
— Unknown
As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.
Buddy Hackett
“If all the economists were laid end to end, they’d never reach a conclusion." ~George Bernard Shaw
“The advantage of having only one child is that you always know who did it.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“Family ties mean that no matter how much you might want to run from your family, you can’t.”—Unknown
“If inflation continues to soar, you’re going to have to work like a dog just to live like one." ~George Gobel
“Don’t believe everything fortune cookies tell you. Just because they’re sweet doesn’t mean they’re right.”
― Unknown
"To lose weight, spend time at the gym. To appear like you've lost weight, spend time with people who are bigger than you."
- Mokokoma Mokhonoana
"My wife is really sentimental. One Valentine’s Day I gave her a ring and to this day she has never forgotten those three little words that were engraved inside — Made in Taiwan." — Leopold Fetchner
"Life seems to fade our memory, so on this birthday I will forget yours if you forget mine!" - Kate Summers
"Went outside today. Very hot. There were bugs. Zero stars, would not recommend"
“My daughter just lost her first tooth, which is a very sweet moment for a dad. In retrospect, I do regret punching her so hard in the face.”
- Alan Cox.
"There are good ships
and wood ships
and ships that sail the sea.
But the best ships
are friendships
and may they always be."
"I wish I was a postcard. For under a dollar, I could travel to any location in the world."
“I'm always in a bad mood on Monday morning. It makes me hate everything for no reason whatsoever.”
“You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.” - George Burns
"Funny, I've met a lot of pin-up girls, but I've never been able to pin one down."
“Always forgive your enemies – nothing annoys them so much.”
Oscar Wilde
"Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your retirement home."- Phyllis Diller
“I married beneath me, all women do.”
—Nancy Astor
“From the ages of eight to 18, me and my family moved around a lot. Mostly we would just stretch, but occasionally one of us would actually get up to go to the fridge.”
Jarod Kintz
“My daughters only six months old and already drawing. I’d hang it on the fridge, but honestly, its absolute garbage.” – Ryan Reynolds
“To a small child, the perfect grandad is unafraid of big dogs and fierce storms but absolutely terrified of the word “boo”.—Robert Breault
“When I say I won’t tell anyone, my best friend doesn’t count.”
— Unknown
“Thank you, the day after Thanksgiving, or as the makers of sweatpants call it, 'the busy season.'" — Jimmy Fallon
“The most ineffective workers are systematically moved to the place where they can do the least damage: management.”
Scott Adams
"Money is like a sixth sense – and you can’t make use of the other five without it." ~ William Somerset Maugham
“The advantage of growing up with siblings is that you become very good at fractions.”
- Robert Brault
“There’s no such thing as ready. You just jump on a moving train and you try not to die.”
- A Dad, ‘What To Expect When You Are Expecting.’
“Whenever I travel with my 4 young kids I always forget something. Like how stupid it is to travel with 4 young kids.”
– Jim Gaffigan
"Run like hell and get the agony over with."
Clarence DeMar
“Half the modern could drugs well be thrown out the window, except that the birds might eat them.”
Unknown
Fame changes a lot of things, but it can't change a light bulb.
Gilda Radner
"An income tax form is like a laundry list - either way you lose your shirt."
- Fred Allen
"Everything slows down with age, except the time it takes cake and ice cream to reach your hips." - John Wagner
“Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.”
George Carlin
“Few things are more satisfying than seeing your own children have teenagers of their own.”
—Doug Larson
“If owl parties aren't called hootenannies, this world will never make sense again."
- Reverend Badger
“Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair." ~Sam Ewing
“Lisa, if you don’t like your job you don’t strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That’s the American way."
~ Homer Simpson
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