Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.
Oscar Wilde
"I will never break up with my gym. We just seem to workout."
- Unknown.
“Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are.”
Will Ferrell
"I just want someone to look at me the way I look at food."
— Unknown
"The trouble with being a parent is that by the time you are experienced, you are unemployed." – Anonymous
“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.”
- Rodney Dangerfield.
“SMONDAY: The moment when Sunday stops feeling like a Sunday and the anxiety of Monday kicks in.”
"If we shake out all of the crumbs from all of the keyboards in the world, we can end world hunger."
— Matthew Dolkart
"Insanity is hereditary you get it from your kids." – Sam Levenson
“Thanksgiving dinners take 18 hours to prepare. They are consumed in 12 minutes. Half-times take 12 minutes. This is not a coincidence.” —Erma Bombeck
"Your diet is a bank account. Good food choices are good investments."
— Bethenny Frankel
"Teaching kids to count is fine, but teaching them what counts is best."
— Bob Talbert
"Snack time heals all wounds."
— Bridger Winegar
"All men are the same age." - Dorothy Parker
“When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason, there’s a reason.” - Molly McGee
“Laughter rises out of tragedy, when you need it the most, and rewards you for your courage.”
Erma Bombeck
"Even bad coffee is better than no coffee at all." — David Lynch
“A bargain is something you can’t use at a price you can’t resist.”- Franklin Jones.
I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.
David Lee Roth
"Know your worth, and then make sure to add tax."
"Nice to be here? At my age it’s nice to be anywhere." – George Burns
“Never eat more than you can lift.”
Miss Piggy
“The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.”—George Carlin
"Doctors are always working to preserve our health and cooks to destroy it, but the latter are the more often successful." - Denis Diderot
“A dog is one of the remaining reasons why some people can be persuaded to go for a walk.”—Orlando Aloysius Battista
"A road trip is a way for the whole family to spend time together and annoy each other in interesting new places."
– Tom Lichtenheld
"Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!"
"I love those days when my only decision is whether to go to the beach in the morning or in the afternoon."
"The 12-step chocoholics program: Never be more than 12 steps away from chocolate!"
— Terry Moore
"A guy knows he's in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days." Tim Allen
"Yeah, working is great… but have you tried traveling?"
“I used to work at McDonald’s making minimum wage. You know what thay means? You know what your boss was trying to say? It’s like, ‘Hey if I could pay you less, I would, but it’s against the law.’” – Chris Rock
“Yoga. Because punching people is frowned upon.” — Anonymous
"I can tell by your sarcastic undertones, rude comments, and sheer lack of common decency that we should be best friends."
— Unknown
"When our relatives are at home, we have to think of all their good points or it would be impossible to endure them." - George Bernard Shaw
“Why can’t the morning news ever say ‘Today has been canceled, now go back to sleep.”
– Unknown
"Fitness: If it came in a bottle, everyone would have a great body."
- Cher.
“When it snows you have two choices. Shovel or snow angels.”
“An instructor once gave the following cue in yoga class: “Relax your pancreas.” I don’t even know where my pancreas is, never mind how to relax it! I giggled for the rest of the class.” – Mel Farrimond
“Imagine if fire extinguishers were full of snow. Imagine the fun we could have.”
– Neil Hilborn
"I don't share blame. I don't share credit. And I don't share desserts"
– Beverly Sills
"I'd agree with you, but then we'd both be wrong."
Anonymous
"Finland has produced so many brilliant distance runners because back home it costs $2.50 a gallon for gas."
Esa Tikkannen
“Dogs come when they’re called; cats take a message and get back to you later.”
- Mary Bly.
“Anorexia is a disease not a fashion statement.”
Brooke
“Lisa, if you don’t like your job you don’t strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That’s the American way."
~ Homer Simpson
“Trouble knocked at the door, but, hearing laughter, hurried away.”
Benjamin Franklin
"Woke up this morning with a terrific urge to lie in bed all day and read."
– Raymond Carver
“We pretend to work because they pretend to pay us."
~ Anonymous
"Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others."
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