“There should be a rule against people trying to be funny before the sun comes up.”
– Kristen Chandler
“Mondays are a lot like getting fat. They make you feel sad, sometimes angry and there is not much scope for liking either fat or Mondays for any reason.”
– Garry Moll
“I think the perfect gift to give anyone in the winter is a heated toilet seat.”
“We interrupt your happiness to bring you Mondays. Don’t worry, you’re regularly scheduled happiness will resume again on Friday.”
"When traveling with someone, take large doses of patience and tolerance with your morning coffee."
– Helen Hayes
"Stupidity is a talent for misconception."
- Edgar Allan Poe
"There are two kinds of travel – first class and with children."
– Robert Benchley
“Sometimes, being silly with a friend is the best therapy.”
— Unknown
“Going to work for a large company is like getting on a train. Are you going sixty miles an hour or is the train going sixty miles an hour and you’re just sitting still?"
~ J. Paul Getty
“The Thanksgiving tradition is, we overeat. ‘Hey, how about at Thanksgiving we just eat a lot?’ ‘But we do that every day!’ ‘Oh. What if we eat a lot with people that annoy the hell out of us?'”—Jim Gaffigan
"Airplane travel is nature's way of making you look like your passport photo."
- Al Gore
I am not a member of any organized political party. I am a Democrat.
Will Rogers
“It’s always darkest before the dawn. So if you’re going to steal your neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.”
Navjot Singh Sidhu
“The greatest lesson in life is to know that even fools are right sometimes.”
– Winston S. Churchill
"Yoga class helps me calm down from the agonizing stress of trying to get to yoga class on time."
– Sadhguru
“Older siblings: the only people who will pick on you for their own entertainment and beat up anyone else who tries.”—Unknown
“I’m from Canada, so Thanksgiving to me is just Thursday with more food. And I’m thankful for that.” —Howie Mandel
“Trying to be happy by accumulating possessions is like trying to satisfy hunger by taping sandwiches all over your body.”
George Carlin
“Ugh it’s so hot!’…gets hit by two drops of pool water ‘splash me again and I’ll donate all your toys.’”
- Salty Mermaid.
"If you want to know how old a woman is then ask her sister-in-law." - Edgar Howe
"If anyone is Christmas shopping for me, I wear a size 7-day Caribbean cruise."
“A messy house is a must—it separates your true friends from other friends. Real friends are there to visit you not your house!”
— Jennifer Wilson
"Common sense is not a gift. It’s a punishment because you have to deal with everyone who doesn’t have it."
Anonymous
“Like all parents, my husband and I just do the best we can, and hold our breath, and hope we’ve set aside enough money to pay for our kids’ therapy.”
—Michelle Pfeiffer
"If you want your children to turn out well, spend twice as much time with them and half as much money."
– Abigail Van Buren
“An Aquarius isn’t a rebel with a cause; they are the cause.”
— Jake Register
“A true friend is someone who is there for you when they would rather be someplace else.”
– Len Wein
"Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist should have his head examined." - Samuel Goldwyn
“The easiest job in the world has to be coroner. Surgery on dead people. What’s the worst thing that could happen? If everything went wrong, maybe you’d get a pulse.” — Dennis Miller
“Anyone who can walk to the welfare office can walk to work."
~ Al Capp
“Sometimes I get the feeling the aspirin companies are sponsoring my headaches.”
Unknown
“My favorite animal is steak."
- Fran Lebowitz
“Anyone who says that money cannot buy happiness has clearly never spent their money on pizza.”
― Andrew W.K.
"A good marriage is like a casserole: Only those responsible for it really know what goes in it." - Unknown
"The important thing to remember is that I’m probably going to forget." - Unknown
“My nickname is ‘Mom’, but my full name is ‘Mom Mom Mom Mom Mom Mom’.”
Unknown
“All marriages are happy. It’s the living together afterward that causes all the trouble.” — Raymond Hull
"Staying in bed all day is my way of saving money." ~ Anonymous
“Before marriage, a girl has to make love to a man to hold him. After marriage, she has to hold him to make love to him.” — Marilyn Monroe
“You know the trouble with real life? There’s no danger music.”
Jim Carrey
“She says you’re not awake until you’re actually out of bed and standing up.”
– Richelle Mead
“When a man tells you that he got rich through hard work, ask him: ‘Whose?'” — Don Marquis
“The only clubs I’m interested in are sandwiches.”
― Unknown
“Old age is an excellent time for outrage. My goal is to say or do at least one outrageous thing every week.” - Maggie Kuhn
“Dogs have boundless enthusiasm but no sense of shame. I should have a dog as a life coach.”
- Moby.
"Military justice is to justice what military music is to music."
"I am dying with the help of too many physicians." — Unknown
“I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.”
- Rodney Dangerfield
“I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.”—Erma Bombeck
"I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book."
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