“Dear winter, stop being so romantic, I’m single here.”
"Only on a cruise shiip will you pay hundreds of dollar a day to sleep in a closet."
“The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.”
Anonymous
"Summer does mean no school for my children. Hey, who doesn’t deserve a three-month break after a rigorous year of kindergarten?"
– Jim Gaffigan
"My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit."
- Phyllis Dille
“A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.” – Bob Hope
“People say money is not the key to happiness, but I have always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.”—Joan Rivers
It would be nice to spend billions on schools and roads, but right now that money is desperately needed for political ads.
Andy Borowitz
“Good Morning! Open your mouth wide! I’ll just keep going and put that coffee right in there!”
– Unknown
“Hello and welcome to Monday. Do you take sugar, cream, or Valium in your morning coffee?”
“Nothing compares to the stomach ache you get from laughing with friends.”
— Unknown
“I’m spending a year dead for tax reasons.”
— Douglas Adams
“Mix a little foolishness with your serious plans. It is lovely to be silly at the right moment.”
- Horace
“One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know."
- Groucho Marx
“When people ask me if I have any spare change, I tell them I have it at home in my spare wallet.”-Nick Arnette
"The dumbest people I know are those who Know It All."
– Malcolm Forbes
I have a love interest in every one of my films: a gun.
Arnold Schwarzenegger
"Love is an ocean of emotions entirely surrounded by expenses."
- Thomas Dewar
“Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair.”
– George Burns
“It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.”—Rodney Dangerfield
I can tell if two people are in love by how they hold each other’s hands, and how thick their sanitation gloves are.
Jarod Kintz
“Like all parents, my husband and I just do the best we can, and hold our breath, and hope we’ve set aside enough money to pay for our kids’ therapy.”
—Michelle Pfeiffer
Christianity is the strangest religion ever set up, for it committed a murder upon Jesus in order to redeem mankind from the sin of eating an apple. -- Thomas Paine
"As a child, my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it."
— Buddy Hackett
“A new survey found that 80 percent of men claim they help cook Thanksgiving dinner. Which makes sense when you hear them consider saying ‘that smells good’ to be helping.” —Jimmy Fallon
"Wait. Why am I thinking about Krispy Kremes? We're supposed to be exercising."
— Meg Cabot
“Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? There’s a support group for that. It’s called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar."
~ Drew Carey
“Never let an angry sister comb your hair.”
- Patricia McCann
"I like long romantic walks down every aisle at Target." - Unknown
"Thirty ways to shape up for summer. Number one: eat less. Number two: exercise more. Number three: what was I talking about again? I’m so hungry"
– Maria Bamford
"There are two kinds of travel – first class and with children."
– Robert Benchley
"I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by."
~ Douglas Adams
Gary Delaney
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
“What brothers say to tease their sisters has nothing to do with what they really think of them.”—Esther Friesner
“If I’m not back in five minutes, just wait longer.”
Ace Ventura (Jim Carrey)
“I love playing a dad. It’s hard to find family dramas that are genuinely funny.”
- Peter Gallagher
“Smiling is mouth yoga.” — Thich Nhat Hanh
“Keep calm and ommm… nonommm…” — Anonymous
“Children today are tyrants. They contradict their parents, gobble their food, and tyrannize their teachers.”
Socrates
"If you don't believe in ghosts, you've never been to a family reunion." - Ashleigh Brilliant
"Ignorance is a form of environmental pollution."
Anonymous
“During summer vacation, you get to do all your favorite things; cook hot dogs over a campfire (while being eaten alive by mosquitoes).”
– Bruce Lansky
“Failure is the condiment that gives success its flavor.”
― Truman Capote
"If found on ground, please drag to finish line."
From a runner's T-shirt
“I won’t be impressed with technology until I can download food.”
― Unknown
"Alexander Hamilton started the U.S. Treasury with nothing and that was the closest our country has ever been to being even."
- Will Rogers
“When I say I won’t tell anyone, my best friend doesn’t count.”
— Unknown
"There's no better feeling in the world than a warm pizza box on your lap."
— Kevin James
“Having a child is liking getting a tattoo on your face. You better be committed.”
- 'Eat Pray Love'.
“I say if you love something, set it in a small cage and pester and smother it with love until it either loves you back or dies.” — Mindy Kaling
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