“Here’s something to think about: How come you never see a headline like ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’?”
Jay Leno
“If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in the dark with a mosquito.”
– Betty Reese
“I now pronounce you man and wife. You may now change your Facebook status.”—Anonymous
“It’s always darkest before the dawn. So if you’re going to steal your neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.”
Navjot Singh Sidhu
"Nobody expects to trust his body much after the age of fifty." - Alexander Hamilton
"Middle age is when you’re sitting at home on a Saturday night and the telephone rings and you hope it isn’t for you." - Ogden Nash
"I go running when I have to. Like when the ice cream truck is doing sixty."
Wendy Liebman
"I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol."- Steven Write
"Stupidity is like a giant car heading towards a brick wall and everyone's arguing over where they're going to sit."
"If you're using two-pound weights, how did you even open the door to the gym?"
- Dave Attell
“You want to know what it’s like having a fourth kid? Imagine you’re drowning, then someone hands you a baby.”
- Jim Gaffigan.
“The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider it.”
Joan Rivers
“We’re having something different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, we’re having a swan. You get more stuffing.” —George Carlin
“When it comes to taxes, there are two types of people. There are those that get it done early, also known as ‘psychopaths’, and then the rest of us.”
– Jimmy Kimmel
“Those pizzas I ate were for medicinal purposes.”
― Amy Neftzger
“Good Morning! Open your mouth wide! I’ll just keep going and put that coffee right in there!”
– Unknown
"I'd like to connect with nature but there's no USB port" - Dan Masso
"Accountant after reading a nursery rhyme to his child: “No, son. It wouldn't be tax deductible when Little Bo Peep loses her sheep. But I like your thinking."
“In fifty years, he never worked a day. To him, nine to five was odds on a horse."
~ Archie Bunker
“I got chucked out of yoga class after misinterpreting Half-Moon Pose.” – Unknown
"Dogs never bite me. Just humans."
- Marilyn Monroe
Thanksgiving sucks where it is now. It’s too close to Christmas. We don’t need back-to-back holidays where we go home and sleep on a twin bed after mainlining gravy.” — Seth Meyers
Growth takes time. Be patient. And while you’re waiting, pull a weed.
— Emilie Barnes
“Never underestimate the therapeutic power of driving and listening to very loud music.”
You know you’re getting old when you stop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.
George Burns
“Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died."
~ Erma Bombeck
“You should always live within your income, even if you have to borrow to do so.”- Josh Billings
“People do not wish to appear foolish; to avoid the appearance of foolishness, they are willing to remain actually fools.”
- Alice Walker
“A lot of people like snow. I find it to be an unnecessary freezing of water.”
– Carl Reiner
“I tried yoga once but took off for the mall halfway through class, as I had a sudden craving for a soft pretzel and world peace.” – Terri Guillemets
“Every day is National Donut Day if you put your mind to it.”
― Unknown
It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.
Jerry Seinfeld
“I rob banks because that’s where the money is.” Willie Sutton.
“A well-trained dog will make no attempt to share your lunch. He will just make you feel so guilty that you cannot enjoy it.”—Helen Thomson
"I must confess, I was born at a very early age."
"I don't think jogging is healthy, especially morning jogging. If morning joggers knew how tempting they looked to morning motorists, they would stay home and do sit-ups."
Rita Rudner
"It is amazing how quickly the kids learn to drive a car, yet are unable to understand the lawnmower, snowblower, or vacuum cleaner." – Ben Bergor
“How is it that the first piece of luggage on the airport carousel never belongs to everyone?”
— George Roberts
“Who is rich? He that is content. Who is that? Nobody.” – Benjamin Franklin
"A bad day at sea is still better than a good day at work."
“If dogs could talk, it would take a lot of fun out of owning one.” —Andrew A. Rooney
“Camping is not a date; its an endurance test. If you can survive camping with someone, you should marry them on the way home.”
“This crisp winter air is full of it.” – John Burroughs
“I’d like to publicly thank my husband [Dax Shepard] for changing half the diapers in our house. I hope he changes all of mine one day…”—Kristen Bell
"When we put vegetables up for the winter, we use jars, but we call it canning. I find that jarring. And uncanny."
– Greg Tamblyn
"Even if the farmer intends to loaf, he gets up in time to get an early start."
- E.W. Howe
“My dog is a half pit bull, half poodle. Not much of a watchdog, but a vicious gossip!”
- Craig Shoemaker.
"I have no plants in my house. They won't live for me. Some of them don't even wait to die, they commit suicide."
- Jerry Seinfeld
"Remember, the second most important thing to choosing the right shoe is choosing the left one."
Unknown
“He who marries for love without money has good nights and sorry days.” – Anonymous
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