"I just want someone to look at me the way I look at food."
— Unknown
“When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they’re finished, I climb out.”
- Erma Bombeck.
"People who wonder if the glass is half full or half empty miss the point. The glass is refillable."
“Man cannot live by bread alone; he must have peanut butter.”
James A. Garfield
"It’s bad manners to let vacation wait!"
"Don't let aging get you down. It's too hard to get back up." - John Wagner
"Calming the mind is yoga. Not just standing on the head."
- Swami Satchidananda
A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
Steve Martin
By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.
Charles Wadsworth
I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
Rodney Dangerfield
“Yoga is 99% waste removal” — T.K.V Desikachar
“The only clubs I’m interested in are sandwiches.”
― Unknown
“I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn’t a professional, the knife had butter on it.”
Rodney Dangerfield
“Every time I do something silly, it comes off really funny because it’s natural.”
- Shaquille O’Neal
"I went home with this French guy ’cause he said something adorable, like, ‘I have an apartment.’" — Amy Schumer
“A good rule to remember for life is that when it comes to plastic surgery and sushi, never be attracted by a bargain.”
Graham Norton
“My family is really boring. They have a coffee table book called Pictures We Took Just to Use Up the Rest of the Film.”
- Penelope Lombard.
"I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course."
“Dogs are great. Bad dogs, if you can really call them that, are perhaps the greatest of them all.”—John Grogan
“But the fact that some geniuses were laughed at does not imply that all who are laughed at are geniuses. They laughed at Columbus, they laughed at Fulton, they laughed at the Wright Brothers. But they also laughed at Bozo the Clown.”
- Carl Sagan
“The poor have more children, but the rich have more relatives.” – Unknown
“Children have never been very good at listening to their elders, but they have never failed to imitate them.”
- James Baldwin.
"I don't think jogging is healthy, especially morning jogging. If morning joggers knew how tempting they looked to morning motorists, they would stay home and do sit-ups."
Rita Rudner
“Spring is nature’s way of saying, ‘Let’s party!’”
– Robin Williams
"Teaching kids to count is fine, but teaching them what counts is best."
— Bob Talbert
"If anyone is Christmas shopping for me, I wear a size 7-day Caribbean cruise."
“Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache” – Mae West
“Never have more children than you have car windows.”
- Erma Bombeck
“Family love is messy, clinging, and of an annoying and repetitive pattern…like bad wallpaper.”
- Friedrich Nietzsche.
“If you don’t annoy your big sister for no good reason from time to time, she thinks you don’t love her anymore.”—Pearl Cleage
"Love is blind but marriage is a real eye-opener."
- Pauline Thomason
"A person doesn't know how much he has to be thankful for until he has to pay taxes on it."
- Ann Landers
“All I ask is the chance to prove that money can’t make me happy.” Spike Milligan.
"Today, you’re 50. Now we can round your age up to 100! Happy 50th birthday!" - Dave Barry"
"No doubt a brain and some shoes are essential for marathon success. Although if it comes down to a choice, pick the shoes. More people finish marathons with no brains than with no shoes."
Don Kardong
I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.
Ron White
“A party without a cake is really just a meeting.”
― Julia Child
"I have no plants in my house. They won't live for me. Some of them don't even wait to die, they commit suicide."
- Jerry Seinfeld
"Even if the farmer intends to loaf, he gets up in time to get an early start."
- E.W. Howe
"I don’t plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet." - Rita Rudner
“You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine'.”
― Tommy Cooper
“Winter is not a season, it’s an occupation.” — Sinclair Lewis
“I really don’t play well with others on a Monday. Can I skip today and just start again with Tuesday?”
“There is nothing safer than flying, it’s crashing that is dangerous.”
- Theo Cowan
“Anytime you see a turtle up on top of a fence post, you know he had some help."
- Alex Haley
“Money isn’t the most important thing in life, but it’s reasonably close to oxygen on the “gotta have it” scale." ~Zig Ziglar
"If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again."
“The problem with the world is that everyone does not have a brain, but everyone does have a tongue.”
- Raheel Farooq
“There is no such thing as bad weather, only different kinds of good weather.”
– John Ruskin
“I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance—waiting for the bathroom.”—Bob Hope
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