"I guess I think of lotteries as a tax on the mathematically challenged."
- Roger Jones
“People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.”
- A. A. Milne
“If you know how many cupcakes I’m holding behind my back I’ll give you both of them.”
― Unknown
"I need 6 months of vacation. Twice a year."
“Dogs laugh, but they laugh with their tails.”
- Max Eastman.
“I only go to yoga to drink wine, so I’m good. I just throw the calories right back in.” – Kaley Cuoco
"A girl can wait for the right man to come along but in the meantime that doesn’t mean she can’t have a wonderful time with all the wrong ones." — Cher
I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.
Douglas Adams
"Backpacking is money spent on education."
“If women didn’t exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning." ~Aristotle Onassis
“Best Friend: One million memories, ten thousand inside jokes, one hundred shared secrets.”
— Unknown
"She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon."
“Saw a chameleon today so I'm assuming it wasn't a very good one." - Unknown Author
“I love the early hours of the day. It’s a nice place to visit but I wouldn’t want to live there.”
— James Lileks
“A new survey found that 80 percent of men claim they help cook Thanksgiving dinner. Which makes sense when you hear them consider saying ‘that smells good’ to be helping.” —Jimmy Fallon
"My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people."
— Orson Welles
“In spring we are on Earth; in summer we are on Earth; in autumn we are on Earth, but in winter we are in another planet; winter is another planet!” — Mehmet Murat ildan
"If I knew I was going to live this long, I'd have taken better care of myself." —Mickey Mantle
“We live by the Golden Rule. Those who have the gold make the rules." ~Buzzie Bavasi
“When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they’re finished, I climb out.”
- Erma Bombeck.
"The word aerobics came about when the gym instructors got together and said, 'If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it jumping up and down'" - Rita Rudner
“Turkey lurkey doo, and turkey lurkey dap. I eat that turkey, then I take a nap.” —Adam Sandler
"The turkey. The sweet potatoes. The stuffing. The pumpkin pie. Is there anything else we can agree so vehemently about? I don't think so." - Nora Ephron
“Anyone who can walk to the welfare office can walk to work."
~ Al Capp
"The only b.s I need is bikini and sandals"
“Did you know the actual difference between hill and hell is just a fine line?”
"The dumbest people I know are those who Know It All."
– Malcolm Forbes
“Man is an animal that makes bargains: no other animal does this - no dog exchanges bones with another.”
- Adam Smith.
“Once when I was golfing in Georgia, I hooked the ball into the swamp. I went in after it and found an alligator wearing a shirt with a picture of a little golfer on it.”
- Buddy Hackett.
"Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted."
“You can always tell a real friend: when you’ve made a fool of yourself he doesn’t feel you’ve done a permanent job.”
– Laurence J. Peter
"Running won't solve all your problems. But then again, neither will housework."
Unknown
“One of the keys to a successful marriage is separate bathrooms. When he enters my bathroom sometimes, I’m like, ‘Why are you in here?’ And he’s like, ‘I live here. Can I enjoy my bathroom too?’”—Michelle Obama
“So far as I know, anything worth hearing is not usually uttered at seven o’clock in the morning; and if it is, it will generally be repeated at a more reasonable hour for a larger and more wakeful audience.”
— Moss Hart
“Money can’t buy you happiness, but it can buy you a yacht big enough to pull up right alongside it." ~ David Lee Roth
"A bad cold wouldn't be so annoying if it weren't for the advice of our friends." - Kin Hubbard
“A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.”
- Steve Martin
"If I hold a can of soda up to my ear and listen carefully, I can hear my bones pleading for a glass of milk."
– Bridger Winegar
“I don’t like when I'm all stress-free and peacefully relaxing on the couch and then, out of nowhere, Monday comes along and punches you right off the couch!”
"Half the modern drugs could well be thrown out the window, except that the birds might eat them." - Martin H. Fischer
“Can he have this?” With first baby: “Is it organic and homemade?” After second baby: “He can have anything except narcotics and alcohol.” - Unknown
“Money is the opposite of the weather. Nobody talks about it, but everybody does something about it.” – Rebecca Johnson
"I love my husband, but no matter where we are, I make him sleep closest to the door so if anything happens, he gets murdered first." — Jessica Valenti
“Some of our greatest historical and artistic treasures we place with curators in museums; others we take for walks.”—Roger Caras
"It's funny when people think 'yoga people' are supposed to be calm. No. We're all here because we're nuts." — Unknown
"Life would be infinitely happier if we could only be born at the age of eighty and gradually approach eighteen." - Mark Twain
“Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone.”
Anthony Burgess
"Show me a man who is a good loser and I’ll show you a man who is playing golf with his boss."
~ Jim Murray
"Parents are the bones on which children cut their teeth." – Peter Ustinov
"It's a hill. Get over it."
From a runner's T-shirt
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