"I went home with this French guy ’cause he said something adorable, like, ‘I have an apartment.’" — Amy Schumer
“A baby changes your dinner party conversation from politics to poops.”
- Maurice Johnston.
“Welcome, winter. Your late dawns and chilled breath make me lazy, but I love you nonetheless. ” — Terri Guillemets
"What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds."
- Cindy Garner.
“If you know how many cupcakes I’m holding behind my back I’ll give you both of them.”
― Unknown
"I can tell by your sarcastic undertones, rude comments, and sheer lack of common decency that we should be best friends."
— Unknown
“For those of you who cannot be with family this Thanksgiving, please resist the urge to brag.” —Andy Borowitz
“Only married people can understand how you can be miserable and happy at the same time." —Chris Rock
"The best way to garden is to put on a wide-brimmed straw hat and some old clothes. And with a hoe in one hand and a cold drink in the other, tell somebody else where to dig."
- Texas Bix Bender, Don't Throw in the Trowel
"Show me a man who is a good loser and I’ll show you a man who is playing golf with his boss."
~ Jim Murray
Facebook just sounds like a drag, in my day seeing pictures of peoples vacations was considered a punishment.
Betty White
"Sometimes I wonder how you put up with me, but then I remember I put up with you, so we're even." - Unknown
“Not telling me something because you don’t want to piss me off is probably the best way to piss me off.”
— ScorpioQuotes.com
“Fond of doctors, little health, Fond of lawyers, little wealth.”
Proverb
“Do you wish me a good morning, or mean that it is a good morning whether I want it or not; or that you feel good this morning; or that it is a morning to be good on?”
— J.R.R. Tolkien
“We interrupt your happiness to bring you Mondays. Don’t worry, you’re regularly scheduled happiness will resume again on Friday.”
"I like long walks, especially when they're taken by people who annoy me"- Fred Allen.
“I don’t know what’s tighter: our jeans or our friendship.”
— Unknown
“A two-year old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.” - Jerry Seinfeld
"We pay our gym membership for the permission to exercise in the gym, not for the owner(s) of the gym to exercise for us."
- Mokokoma Mokhonoana.
“I talked to a wild group last night. I knew it the minute someone yelled ‘Louder!’ during the silent meditation. – Robert Orben”
Adolescence: A stage between infancy and adultery
Kevin Goldstein-Jackson
"Sometimes I get the feeling the aspirin companies are sponsoring my headaches." - V.L. Allineare
“The secret to a long marriage is to stay gone.” - Dolly Parton
“The only reason a great many American families don't own an elephant is that they have never been offered an elephant for a dollar down and easy weekly payments."
- Mad Magazine
“I love money. I love everything about it. I bought some pretty good stuff. Got me a $300 pair of socks. Got a fur sink. An electric dog polisher. A gasoline powered turtleneck sweater. And, of course, I bought some dumb stuff, too.” – Steve Martin
"I am not a glutton – I am an explorer of food."
– Erma Bombeck
“Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing.” - Natasha Leggero
Don’t be distracted by criticism. Remember, the only taste of success some people get is to take a bite out of you.” – Zig Ziglar
Steven Wright
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
“Have you ever noticed how parents can go from the most wonderful people in the world to totally embarrassing in three seconds?”—Rick Riordan, The Red Pyramid
When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity.
Albert Einstein
“My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60. Now he’s 97 years old and we have no clue where he is.”
“I have removed all the bad food from my house, it was delicious.”
“As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices take it or leave it.”
- Buddy Hacket
“Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button.”
— Punit Ghadge
“If you want to know how your girl will treat you after marriage, just listen to her talking to her little brother.” — Sam Levenson
"Too many people spend money they haven’t earned, to buy things they don’t want, to impress people they don’t like." ~ Will Smith
“A mother becomes a true grandmother the day she stops noticing the terrible things her children do because she is so enchanted with the wonderful things her grandchildren do.”—Lois Wyse
“Old people shouldn’t eat health foods. They need all the preservatives they can get.” – Robert Orben
“You cannot be anything if you want to be everything.”
Solomon Schechter
“Think of how stupid the average person is and realize half of them are stupider than that.”
– George Carlin
“Creativity is allowing yourself to make mistakes. Art is knowing which ones to keep.” – Scott Adams
The idea is to die young as late as possible.
Montagu's Maxim
"The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not."
— Mark Twain
“A man’s womenfolk, whatever their outward show of respect for his merit and authority, always regard him secretly as an ass, and with something akin to pity.”
- H. L. Mencken.
"Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night." —Dave Barry
“It’s so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don’t say it.”
“I got chucked out of yoga class after misinterpreting Half-Moon Pose.” – Unknown
“Good friends don’t let you do stupid things… alone.”
— Unknown
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