“I rob banks because that’s where the money is.” Willie Sutton.
“Thank you, the day after Thanksgiving, or as the makers of sweatpants call it, 'the busy season.'" — Jimmy Fallon
"Watermelon - it's a good fruit. You eat, you drink, you wash your face."
— Enrico Caruso
“Set your clocks at the start of the weekend so that you know just how much fun time you get to have. Then smash your clocks so you won't know when Monday starts.”
“Excercise? I thought you said extra fries.”
“90% of parenting is just thinking about when you can lie down again.” - Anonymous
Jonathan Swift
If at first you don’t succeed . . . so much for skydiving.
“Fact. Pisces is the most wobbly sign of the zodiac.”
— Mary English
“Bring a compass. It’s awkward when you have to eat your friends.”
“Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another, ‘What! You too? I thought I was the only one!”
— C.S. Lewis
“Gardening. Cheaper than therapy (until your spouse adds up the receipts).”
— Anonymous
“If you are not yelling at your kids, you are not spending enough time with them.” —Reese Witherspoon
"The trouble with being a parent is that by the time you are experienced, you are unemployed." – Anonymous
“All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“Never doubt the courage of the French. They were the ones who discovered that snails are edible.”
Doug Larson
“I’m like Pacman when I’m at a party, I eat everything and run away from anyone coming close to me.”
― Unknown
“I probably wouldn’t kill so many houseplants if they could scream for food and water the way my pets and children do.”
— Anonymous
A weed is a plant that is not only in the wrong place but intends to stay.”
— Sara Stein
“A woman is like a tea bag – you can’t tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water.”
Eleanor Roosevelt
“I just want to be friends. Plus a little extra. Also, I love you.” - Dwight Schrute, 'The Office'
“Lisa, if you don’t like your job you don’t strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That’s the American way."
~ Homer Simpson
“To like and dislike the same things, that is what makes a solid friendship.”
— Sallust
"The capacity for friendship is God’s way of apologizing for our families."
— Jay McInerney
“But the fact that some geniuses were laughed at does not imply that all who are laughed at are geniuses. They laughed at Columbus, they laughed at Fulton, they laughed at the Wright Brothers. But they also laughed at Bozo the Clown.”
- Carl Sagan
“Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? There’s a support group for that. It’s called everybody, and they meet at the bar.” – Drew Carey
"A girl can wait for the right man to come along but in the meantime that doesn’t mean she can’t have a wonderful time with all the wrong ones." — Cher
“The road to success is always under construction.”
“Maybe Monday doesn’t like you either.”
"Once the travel bug bites there is no known antitode, and I know that I shall be happily infected until the end of my life."
- Michael Palin
“When late morning rolls around and you’re feeling a bit out of sorts, don’t worry; you’re probably just a little eleven o’clockish.”
– Unknown
I'd rather live my whole life assuming there is a God, only to find out that there isn't, than to live my whole life assuming there isn't a God, only to find out there is. -- Peter Barry
"There's always something to be thankful for on Thanksgiving. Even if it's just not being a turkey." -Unknown
“I have found out that there ain’t no surer way to find out whether you like people or hate them than to travel with them.”
– Mark Twain
“When life gives you mountains, put those boots and start hiking.”
"You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jelly beans."
— Ronald Reagan
"If only one could tell true love from false love as one can tell mushrooms from toadstools."
- Katherine Mansfield
“I’m from Canada, so Thanksgiving to me is just Thursday with more food. And I’m thankful for that.” —Howie Mandel
"Life is uncertain. Eat dessert first."
– Ernestine Ulmer
"I’m so poor I can’t pay attention." ~ Ron Kittle
“A cookie a day keeps the sadness away. An entire jar of cookies a day brings it back.”
― Unknown
“Being different is a revolving door in your life where secure people enter and insecure exit.”
— Shannon L. Alder
“There is nothing better than a friend, unless it is a friend with chocolate.”
Linda Grayson
"The older I get, the more clearly I remember things that never happened. - Mark Twain
"The word aerobics came about when the gym instructors got together and said, 'If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it jumping up and down'" - Rita Rudner
“Pizza is like the entire food pyramid!”
― Madeline Oles
“As you get older, three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two.”
Sir Norman Wisdom
“Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.”—Benjamin Franklin
"Luck is a dividend of sweat. The more you sweat, the luckier you get."
~ Ray Kroc
“You are one yoga class away from a good mood.” – Unknown
“The only reason I made a commercial for American Express was to pay for my American Express bill.” Peter Ustinov.
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