"Work out in the morning, before your brain figures out what you’re doing."
– Unknown
“Our perfect companions never have fewer than four feet.”
- Colette.
"I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage." -Erma Bombeck
"If you want to read about love and marriage, you’ve got to buy two separate books." — Alan King
“Money is like manure. You have to spread it around or it smells." ~J. Paul Getty
“If you start drinking now, Thanksgiving could be a lot of fun.” — Conan O’Brien
“My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.”
Dave Barry
“The remaining work to finish in order to reach your goal increases as the deadline approaches."
~ Bove’s Theorem
"Money can’t buy love, but it improves your bargaining position." — Christopher Marlowe
“When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life.”—Richard Lewis
“I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.” – Lily Tomlin
“My goal in life is to be as good of a person my dog already thinks I am.” ~ Unknown
"I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met."
- Steven Wright
"Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest."
- Professor Irwin Corey
“All I ask is a chance to prove that money can’t make me happy." ~ Spike Milligan
“In Hollywood, a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.” - Rita Rudner
“Time spent with cats is never wasted.”
- Sigmund Freud
"I don't eat lobsters, shrimp, or crawfish because I don't eat anything that looks like I should step on it."
— George Carlin
“Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.” —Redd Fox
“Monday is like a math problem. Add the irritation, subtract the sleep, multiply the problems, divide the happiness.”
"Nice to be here? At my age it’s nice to be anywhere." – George Burns
"You ever look for the remote control, but you can't find it, so you just decide, 'Ah, guess I'm not watching TV. I'm not gonna take two steps and turn it on myself. I'll go to the gym if I'm going to work out.'"
- Jim Gaffigan.
“I need to get up; my coffee needs me.”
— Unknown
"Don’t worry about what other people think. They don’t do it very often."
Anonymous
“All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner.” — Red Skelton
"When your friends begin to flatter you on how young you look, it’s a sure sign you’re getting old." - Mark Twain
Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already born?
Benny Hill
“Never let your friends be lonely…. Disturb them all the time.”
— Unknown
"What does the letter "A" have in common with a flower?
They both have bees coming after them."
- Kim Roblin
“A good rule to remember for life is that when it comes to plastic surgery and sushi, never be attracted by a bargain.”
Graham Norton
“The worst thing about being a tourist is having other tourists recognize you as a tourist!”
– Russell Baker
"Some children threaten to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going." – Phyllis Diller
“If you love ’em in the morning with their eyes full of crust; if you love ’em at night with their hair full of rollers, chances are, you’re in love.” - Miles Davis
“Scientists say the world is made of protons, neutrons, and electrons. they forgot to mention morons.”
Anonymous
"Luck is a dividend of sweat. The more you sweat, the luckier you get."
~ Ray Kroc
“Think of stretch marks as pregnancy service stripes.”
– Joyce Armor.
"Let's have a moment of silence for all those Americans who are stuck in traffic on their way to the gym to ride the stationary bicycle."
- Earl Blumenauer.
“I’m stuck between “I need to save money.” and “You only live once.”” – Anonymous
"An income tax form is like a laundry list - either way you lose your shirt."
- Fred Allen
“I made my money the old-fashioned way. I was very nice to a wealthy relative right before he died” — Malcolm Forbes
Summer is like the ultimate one-night stand...hot as hell, totally thrilling, and gone before you know it.
"Never eat more than you can lift"- Miss Piggy.
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"I tried every diet in the book. I tried some that weren't in the book. I tried eating the book. It tasted better than most of the diets."- Dolly Parton
I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.
Frank Sinatra
“My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.”
– Mitch Hedburg
“My husband and I have never considered divorce… murder sometimes, but never divorce.”—Dr. Joyce Brothers
"There is absolutely nothing to be said in favor of growing old. There ought to be legislation against it." - Patrick Moore
“The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you’re signing somebody’s cast.”
Demetri Martin
“When I was young I thought money was the most important thing in life; now that I’m old, I know it is." ~ Oscar Wilde
“A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.”
Groucho Marx
"A weed is a plant that has mastered every survival skill except for learning how to grow in rows."
- Doug Larson
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