“Coexistence: What the farmer does with the turkey—until Thanksgiving.” —Mike Connolly
I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.
Lily Tomlin
“Budget: a mathematical confirmation of your suspicions." ~A.A. Latimer
“So. Monday. We meet again. We will never be friends — but maybe we can move past our mutual enmity toward a more positive partnership.”
As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.
Buddy Hackett
"I don’t plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet." - Rita Rudner
“You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they’re going.”
—P. J. O’Rourke
"It's unsticking-your-thighs-from-a-plastic-chair season"
I rang up a yoga instructor and asked which class I should take. She said, “How flexible are you?” I said, “I can’t do Tuesdays.” – Unknown
“Before I got married, I had six theories about raising children; now I have six children and no theories.”—John Wilmot
"You call it a pandemonium. We call it a family vacation."
“Forget champagne and caviar – taste the world instead!”
“Carpe per diem – seize the check.” – Robin Williams.
"We travel, initially, to lose ourselves, and we travel, next to find ourselves."
- Pico Iyer
“When gorillas are sleeping, you can hide a bunch of raisins in their fur, and then they’ll have an exciting treat the next day."
- Guy Endore Kaiser
"Who is rich? He that is content. Who is that? Nobody.” ~ Benjamin Franklin
“There. Right there is where you lost your darn mind!”
“Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is the bicycle repair kit.”- Billy Connolly
"The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you're not in shape for it, it's too far to walk back"- Franklin P. Jones
"At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom."
— George Carlin
“You are one yoga class away from a good mood.” – Unknown
"An income tax form is like a laundry list - either way you lose your shirt."
- Fred Allen
“Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.” — Steven Wright
"Time wounds all heels."
"The only thing that hurts more than paying an income tax is not having to pay an income tax."
— Thomas Dewar
“Insanity is hereditary; you get it from your children.”
- Sam Levenson
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.” - Wendy Liebman
“To like and dislike the same things, that is what makes a solid friendship.”
— Sallust
“My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I’m right.”
Ashleigh Brilliant
"Reaching under the couch for something is the closest I'll ever get to yoga."
- Grant Tucker
“Time spent with cats is never wasted.”
- Sigmund Freud
"Luck is a dividend of sweat. The more you sweat, the luckier you get."
~ Ray Kroc
“Morning is wonderful. Its only drawback is that it comes at such an inconvenient time of day.”
— Glen Cook
Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares?... He’s a mile away and you’ve got his shoes!
Billy Connolly
“Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring: ‘How to Build a Boat.’”
Steven Wright
“A photographer gets people to pose for him. A yoga instructor gets people to pose for themselves.” — Terri Guillemets
“Good friends don’t let you do stupid things… alone.”
— Unknown
“Good humor is a tonic for mind and body. It is the best antidote for anxiety and depression. It is a business asset. It attracts and keep friends. It lightens human burdens. It is the direct route to serenity and contentment.”
Greenville Kleisser
"To cease smoking is the easiest thing I ever did. I ought to know because I've done it a thousand times." —Mark Twain
“Can he have this?” With first baby: “Is it organic and homemade?” After second baby: “He can have anything except narcotics and alcohol.” - Unknown
“Like all parents, my husband and I just do the best we can, and hold our breath, and hope we’ve set aside enough money to pay for our kids’ therapy.”
—Michelle Pfeiffer
Gardening is a matter of your enthusiasm holding up until your back gets used to it
— Author Unknown
“Lots of people want to ride with you in the limo, but what you want is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down.”
— Oprah Winfrey
“I feel very blessed to have two wonderful, healthy children who keep me completely grounded, sane, and throw up on my shoes just before I go to an awards show just so I know to keep it real.”
- Reese Witherspoon.
"As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife."
"The average, healthy, well-adjusted adult gets up at seven-thirty in the morning feeling just plain terrible."
— Jean Kerr
“Facebook just sounds like a drag, in my day seeing pictures of peoples vacations was considered a punishment.”
Betty White
“The only thing I like better than talking about food is eating.”
— John Walters
“I’ve got all the money I’ll ever need, if I die by four o’clock.” — Henny Youngman
"Driving is a spectacular form of amnesia. Everything is to be discovered, everything to be obliterated."
– Jean Baudrillard
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