“I got chucked out of yoga class after misinterpreting Half-Moon Pose.” – Unknown
“If Monday was a gift, I would happily return it to the person who gave it to me.”
"I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet." - Rodney Dangerfield
“You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they’re going.”
—P. J. O’Rourke
“No matter how calmly you try to referee, parenting will eventually produce bizarre behavior, and I’m not talking about the kids. Their behavior is always normal.”
- Bill Cosby.
"We pay our gym membership for the permission to exercise in the gym, not for the owner(s) of the gym to exercise for us."
- Mokokoma Mokhonoana.
“I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.” -Jackie Mason“I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.” -Jackie Mason
"The main point of a cruise is to eat until you weigh the same as the boat."
"Summer does mean no school for my children. Hey, who doesn’t deserve a three-month break after a rigorous year of kindergarten?"
– Jim Gaffigan
"An expert is a man who has made all the mistakes which can be made in a very narrow field."
~ Niels Bohr
“I was like, 'Am I gay? Am I straight?' And I realized... I'm just slutty. Where's my parade?” — Margaret Cho
"Before we got married I caught her in my arms. Now I catch her in my pockets." - Joginder Singh
"The more you know, the dumber you sound to stupid people."
Anonymous
“Three rebels against the light: the thief, the adulterer, and the bat.”
- Hebrew Proverb.
"How can people my age plan spontaneous trips to Thailand, I can barely afford a spontaneous soft pretzel."
"Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies."
“I do yoga to burn off the crazy” — Anonymous
“If you had to identify in one word the reason why the human race has not achieved and never will achieve its full potential, that word would be ‘meetings.” – Dave Barry
When I was a kid, I had two friends, and they were imaginary and they would only play with each other.
Rita Rudner
“I love America, but I can’t spend the whole year here. I can’t afford the taxes.”
— Mick Jagger
"To cease smoking is the easiest thing I ever did. I ought to know because I've done it a thousand times." —Mark Twain
“Hard work spotlights the character of people: some turn up their sleeves, some turn up their noses, and some don’t turn up at all.” – Sam Ewing
"The only place success comes before work is in the dictionary."
~ Vince Lombardi
“People are living longer than ever before, a phenomenon undoubtedly made necessary by the 30-year mortgage." ~Doug Larson
“I don’t know what’s tighter: our jeans or our friendship.”
— Unknown
“It’s a bit unnerving That doctors call what they do practice.”
Unknown
“I’ve noticed that one thing about parents is that no matter what stage your child is in, the parents who have older children always tell you the next stage is worse.”
- Dave Barry.
“The light made the snowballs look yellow. Or at least I hoped that was the cause.” — Gary D. Schmidt
“We live by the Golden Rule. Those who have the gold make the rules." ~Buzzie Bavasi
"If you run 100 miles a week, you can eat anything you want. Why? Because (a) you'll burn all the calories you consume, (b) you deserve it, and (c) you'll be injured soon and back on a restricted diet anyway."
Don Kardong
“A dollar picked up in the road is more satisfaction to us than the 99 which we had to work for, and the money won at Faro or in the stock market snuggles into our hearts in the same way. ~Mark Twain
"The best abs exercise is five sets of stop eating so much..."
– Lazar Angelov
It would be nice to spend billions on schools and roads, but right now that money is desperately needed for political ads.
Andy Borowitz
“Me to my students every day: Close your eyes. If you can still see me, it could be a sign that your eyes are still open.” – Unknown
“Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.”
Dale Carnegie
"I can't make you love me, but I can fill my pantry with your favorite snacks and offer you a weekly stipend of $75." — Rob Delaney
“From birth to age 18, a girl needs good parents, from 18 to 35 she needs good looks, from 35 to 55 she needs a good personality, and from 55 on she needs cash.” – Sophie Tucker
"If you resolve to give up smoking, drinking and loving, you don't actually live longer; it just seems longer." - Clement Freud
“Parents of newborn babies are basically hostages in their own house with a severe case of Stockholm Syndrome.” – Nate Smith
"For marriage to be a success, every woman and every man should have her and his own bathroom. The end." — Catherine Zeta-Jones
"I’m 59 and people call me middle-aged. How many 118-year-old men do you know?"- Barry Cryer
“Teach your kids to spend more time annoying each other so they have less time to spend annoying you.”—Unknown
"I really don't think I need buns of steel. I'd be happy with buns of cinnamon."
— Ellen DeGeneres
“As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices take it or leave it.”
- Buddy Hacket
“Winter blues are cured every time with a potato gratin paired with a roast chicken.”
– Alexandra Guarnaschelli
"I complain that the years fly past, but then I look in a mirror and see that very few of them actually got past." - Robert Brault
“Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache” – Mae West
“It’s funny how your parents tell you it’s their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.”—Unknown
"She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon."
“It’s the 21st century. I don’t need an alpha male to protect me. I don’t need a big, strong man to fight off a tiger. I need a geek who can get my naked photos off the cloud.” — Whitney Cummings
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