Short Funny Quotes
“Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.”
George Burns
"When did my wild oats turn to prunes and all bran?"
- Lucy Parker
"I was a vegetarian until I started leaning towards sunlight."
- Rita Rudner
"A clever person takes notice of everything; a stupid one makes a comment about everything."
- Heinrich Heine
“It’s bizarre that the [grocery store] produce manager is more important to my children’s health than the pediatrician.”
Unknown
“A failure is like fertilizer; it stinks to be sure, but it makes things grow faster in the future.”
Denis Waitley
"Better to keep silent and let people think you are a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt."
- Abraham Lincoln
"Why don't you go home to your wife? Better yet, I'll go home to your wife, and outside of the improvement, she won't notice any difference."
“Creativity is allowing yourself to make mistakes. Art is knowing which ones to keep.” – Scott Adams
“Family love is messy, clinging, and of an annoying and repetitive pattern…like bad wallpaper.”
- Friedrich Nietzsche.
“Every pizza is a personal pizza if you try hard and believe in yourself.”
― Bill Murray
"Common sense is not a gift. It’s a punishment because you have to deal with everyone who doesn’t have it."
Anonymous
Success is like toilet paper; it only seems important when you don’t have it.
Richard Jeni
"Grandchildren don’t make a man feel old, it’s the knowledge that he’s married to a grandmother that does." - J. Norman Collie
"I give myself sometimes admirable advice, but I am incapable of taking it."
― Mary Wortley Montagu
“Undermine the entire economic structure of society by leaving the pay toilet door ajar so the next person can get in free.” - Taylor Meade
"How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb? Just one, but it takes nine visits." - Author unknown
"Getting older. I used to be able to run a 4-minute mile, bench press 380 pounds, and tell the truth." - Conan O’Brien
“It’s not easy being a mom. If it were easy, fathers would do it.”—Betty White
"The trouble with being a parent is that by the time you are experienced, you are unemployed." – Anonymous
"I will never break up with my gym. We just seem to workout."
- Unknown.
"Marriage is a bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them." - Anonymous
“The happiness of the bee and the dolphin is to exist. For man, it is to know that and to wonder at it.”
- Jacques Yves Cousteau.
“I’m getting used to wearing flip-flops everywhere. It’s a dangerous place to be. Next thing you know, I’m gonna show to a board meeting in sandals.”
“When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life.”—Richard Lewis
"To get back to my youth I would do anything in the world, except take exercise, get up early, or be respectable." - Oscar Wilde
"As a man in a relationship, you have a choice: you can be right or you can be happy."
- Ralphie May
“When Chuck Norris does yoga, the sun salutes him.” – Unknown
"I can honestly say I love getting older. Then again, I never put my glasses on before looking in the mirror." - Cherie Lunghi
"Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else."
― Margaret Mead
“Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?”
Robin Williams
"When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life."
- Richard Lewis
“You know why fish are so thin? They eat fish.
- Jerry Seinfeld"
"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read."
“Do you think I’m crazy? You should see me with my best friend.”
— Unknown
“I’m not aging, I just need repotting.”
— Anonymous
"Age is something that doesn’t matter, unless you are a cheese." – Billie Burke
"Your diet is a bank account. Good food choices are good investments."
— Bethenny Frankel
“The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is because they have a common enemy.” - Anonymous
“Best friends know how crazy you are and still choose to be seen with you in public.”
— Unknown
“Money may not buy happiness, but I’d rather cry in a Jaguar than on a bus.”
– Francoise Sagan
When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, 'Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe? -- Quentin Crisp
“It could be that your purpose in life is to serve as a warning to others.”
Ashleigh Brilliant
I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.
Ron White
“Heat, ma'am! It was so dreadful here that I found there was nothing left for it but to take off my flesh and sit in my bones.”
- Sydney Smith
“Demanding something from a Scorpio is a sure way to not have it happen.”
"I don't believe in jogging. It extending your life, but by about the same amount of time you spend jogging."
Marshall Brickman
“Mountains have a way of dealing with overconfidence.” – Hermann Buhl
“Your typical six-year-old is a paradoxical little person.”
- Louise Bates Ames.
“Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers.” — Homer Simpson
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