“Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.”
– Charles Schulz
“Money can’t buy you happiness but it can pay for plastic surgery." ~ Joan Rivers
"I want to be like a caterpillar. Eat a lot. Sleep for a while. Wake up beautiful."
“My formula for success is rise early, work late and strike oil.” JP Getty.
"A bad cold wouldn't be so annoying if it weren't for the advice of our friends." - Kin Hubbard
Christianity is the strangest religion ever set up, for it committed a murder upon Jesus in order to redeem mankind from the sin of eating an apple. -- Thomas Paine
“Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.” —Mark Twain
“I think a dysfunctional family is any family with more than one person in it.”
- Mary Karr
“You should always live within your income, even if you have to borrow to do so.”- Josh Billings
“Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?”
Jerry Seinfeld
“You can kid the world, but not your sister.”—Charlotte Gray
"I'm not sure what makes pepperoni so good if it's the pepper or the oni."
— Ulrik Stephens
“Straight roads are for fast cars, turns are for fast drivers.”
— Colin McRae
"I quit therapy because my analyst was trying to help me behind my back." - Richard Lewis
“Children really can brighten up a house, because they never turn the lights off.”
- Ralph Bus.
"No doubt a brain and some shoes are essential for marathon success. Although if it comes down to a choice, pick the shoes. More people finish marathons with no brains than with no shoes."
Don Kardong
“We’re having something different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, we’re having a swan. You get more stuffing.” —George Carlin
“SMONDAY: The moment when Sunday stops feeling like a Sunday and the anxiety of Monday kicks in.”
“Some family trees bear an enormous crop of nuts.”
- Wayne H
“The archer will walk up to you, give you a hearty slap on the back and a wide, friendly grin. Then he’ll greet you with a remark like, ‘How the heck do you manage to look so young when you’re as old as you are?'”
— Linda Goodman
“Beaver do better work than the Corps of Engineers.”
- Mike Todd.
“When people ask me if I have any spare change, I tell them I have it at home in my spare wallet.”-Nick Arnette
“I would say that the hardest thing about being a parent is these goddamned kids.”
- Andy Richter.
“If you think money doesn’t grow on trees, you ain’t checking every limb.” – Chamillionaire
“Money isn’t the most important thing in life, but it’s reasonably close to oxygen on the “gotta have it” scale." ~Zig Ziglar
“The road to success is always under construction.”
"The closer you are to nature the further you are from idiots.”
“The learned fool writes his nonsense in better language than the unlearned, but still ‘this nonsense.”
– Benjamin Franklin
“Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died."
~ Erma Bombeck
This is the sort of English up with which I will not put.
Winston Churchill
"We contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle."
- Winston Churchill
"At my age, flowers scare me." - George Burns
A child is a curly, dimpled lunatic.
Ralph Waldo Emerson
"Parenthood is a lot easier to get into then out of." – Bruce Lansky
"I bought an ant farm. I don't know where I am going to get a tractor that small!"
- Steven Wright
“Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt." ~ Herbert Hoover
"Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing." —Redd Foxx
"I really don't think I need buns of steel. I'd be happy with buns of cinnamon."
— Ellen DeGeneres
“He who marries for love without money has good nights and sorry days.” – Anonymous
"There is nothing better for the spirit or the body than a love affair. It elevates the thoughts and flattens the stomach." — Barbara Hower
“Sunday morning my head is bad. But it's worth all the time I had. But I've got to go and get some rest. For Monday is a mess!”
– Dave Bartholomew, Blue Monday
“Good weather all week, but come the weekend, and the weather stinks. When the weather is too hot, they complain; too cold, they complain; and when it’s just right, they’re watching TV.”
— Rita Rudner
“Time spent with cats is never wasted.”
- Sigmund Freud
“You drink too much. Cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You’re everything I ever wanted in a friend.”
— Unknown
“I’m getting used to wearing flip-flops everywhere. It’s a dangerous place to be. Next thing you know, I’m gonna show to a board meeting in sandals.”
“Being different is a revolving door in your life where secure people enter and insecure exit.”
— Shannon L. Alder
“There is no such thing as bad weather, only different kinds of good weather.”
– John Ruskin
"I am the friend you have to explain to your other friends before they meet me."
— Unknown
“Friends are people who know you really well and like you anyway.”
— Greg Tamblyn
“Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one.”—Mae West
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