“I love Thanksgiving traditions: watching football, making pumpkin pie and saying the magic phrase that sends your aunt storming out of the dining room to sit in her car.” — Stephen Colber
“People who never do any more than they get paid for, never get paid for any more than they do.” — Elbert Hubbard
I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.
Frank Sinatra
“I’m so naive about finances. Once my mother mentioned an amount and I realized I didn’t understand, she had to explain, ‘That’s like three Mercedes.’ Then I understood.” – Brooke Shields
“I believe it’s a cook’s moral obligation to add more butter given the chance.”
― Michael Ruhlman
“My sister’s expecting a baby, and I don’t know if I’m going to be an uncle or an aunt.”
- Chuck Nevitt
“Ugh it’s so hot!’…gets hit by two drops of pool water ‘splash me again and I’ll donate all your toys.’”
- Salty Mermaid.
"The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not."
— Mark Twain
"You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jelly beans."
— Ronald Reagan
“A perfect parent is a person with excellent child-rearing theories and no actual children.” —Dave Barry
“Dear winter, I’m breaking up with you. I think it’s time I start seeing other seasons. Summer is hotter than you.”
“I’ve noticed that one thing about parents is that no matter what stage your child is in, the parents who have older children always tell you the next stage is worse.”
- Dave Barry.
"It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like." —Jackie Mason
“Every man is a d*** fool for at least five minutes every day; wisdom consists in not exceeding the limit.”
― Elbert Hubbard
“The biggest thing I remember is that there was just no transition. You hit the ground diapering.”
- Paul Reiser.
"I prefer not to think before speaking. I like being as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth."
Anonymous
"All men are the same age." - Dorothy Parker
If you use the church's WiFi, are you receiving God's signal? -- Anonymous
All the men in my family are bald, and all the women are hunchbacked – and they don’t know we’re bald.
Mark Roberts
"The Thankstini: A fun and delicious new novelty drink I invented. Cranberry juice, potato vodka, and a bouillon cube. Tastes just like a turkey dinner." -Barney Stinson, How I Met Your Mother
Robin Williams
Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.
“Gardener’s recipe: one-part soil, two-parts water, three-parts wishful thinking.”
— Anonymous
"I’m staying home today. I have mood poisoning."
“Every family is dysfunctional, whether you want to admit it or not.”
- Shailene Woodley.
“Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.” —Mark Twain
"If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire."
~ Cannon’s Law
"If only one could tell true love from false love as one can tell mushrooms from toadstools."
- Katherine Mansfield
“Creativity is allowing yourself to make mistakes. Art is knowing which ones to keep.” – Scott Adams
“I hate mornings and Mondays. And working. But other than that I am entirely happy.”
People who want to share their religious views with you, almost never want you to share yours with them. -- Dave Barry
“Take a deep breath and try to relax. I promise – Monday will be over soon.”
“For those of you who cannot be with family this Thanksgiving, please resist the urge to brag.” —Andy Borowitz
“I can’t get out of bed on days when the temperature is less than my age.”
"I refuse to spend my life worrying about what I eat. There is no pleasure worth forgoing just for an extra three years in the geriatric ward." - John Mortimer
“To be a successful father there’s one absolute rule: when you have a kid, don’t look at it for the first two years.”
- Ernest Hemingway.
"My inner advisor is dying to heal me." - Astrid Alauda
“Twinkle twinkle sleepy star, wake up now it’s the 11th hour, up above the world so high, the sun has risen in the sky.”
– Mickey Nice
"They say good things take time, so that’s why I’m always late."
“My favorite animal is steak."
- Fran Lebowitz
“Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money.” – Jackie Mason
“New pick-up line to try today: “Hey, are you a turkey? Because I want to gobble you up and then fall asleep.” — Rebel Wilson
"If your doctor's last name is Google, it's time to get a second opinion…" - Toni Bernhard, J.D.
"The income tax created more criminals than any other single act of government."
- Barry Goldwater
“I choose a lazy person to do a hard job, because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it.” — Bill Gates
“The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.” —Henny Youngman
“The economy depends about as much on economists as the weather does on weather forecasters." ~Jean-Paul Kauffmann
"Humor keeps us alive. Humor and food. Don't forget food. You can go a week without laughing."
— Joss Whedon
"Yoga class helps me calm down from the agonizing stress of trying to get to yoga class on time."
– Sadhguru
“People are living longer than ever before, a phenomenon undoubtedly made necessary by the 30-year mortgage." ~Doug Larson
“When there’s snow on the ground L like to pretend I'm walking on clouds.”
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