“I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can’t get killed by a blank?” — Milton Berle
“Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun.”—Stephanie Ortiz
"Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you."
"I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol."- Steven Write
“Marriage is like a game of chess, except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.” - Jenny Seinfeld
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"I like swimming in a sun shirt. People always look at me like I fell in the pool"
– Jim Gaffigan
“So few people admit to belief in astrology, but I am yet to meet anyone who doesn't know their star sign.”
― P.K. Shaw
"If you can survive 11 days in cramped quarters with a friend and come out laughing, your friendship is the real deal."
— Oprah Winfrey
“Getting paid to sleep… that’s my dream job.” –Unknown
“Money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy you the kind of misery you prefer." ~Author Unknown
"Women should be obscene and not heard."
“Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”
George Carlin
“Red meat is not bad for you. Now, blue-green meat—that’s bad for you!”
— Tom Smothers
“Grandparents are there to help the child get into mischief they haven’t thought of yet.”—Gene Perret
"I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world."
— E. B. White
“Your typical six-year-old is a paradoxical little person.”
- Louise Bates Ames.
“The happiness of the bee and the dolphin is to exist. For man, it is to know that and to wonder at it.”
- Jacques Yves Cousteau.
“Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that is how dogs spend their lives.”
- Sue Murphy.
“How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.”
Emo Philips
“Money and women are the most sought after and the least known about of any two things we have.”— Will Rogers
“Sometimes when I close my eyes, I can’t see.”
“Size isn’t everything. The whale is endangered, while the ant continues to do just fine.”
- Bill Vaughan.
“You should always live within your income, even if you have to borrow to do so.”- Josh Billings
"My routine is to ride that snooze button as far as it will take me, take a quick shower, get dressed in the dark and bolt out the door."
— Willie Geist
“Work is a necessity for man. Man invented the alarm clock."
~ Pablo Picasso
"By 35, if I’m not engaged or already starting a family, I declare myself the aunt who’s always traveling & comes to family events tipsy."
"If you want to know how old a woman is then ask her sister-in-law." - Edgar Howe
"Marriage is like a walk in the park. Jurassic Park." - Anonymous
“My favorite animal is steak."
- Fran Lebowitz
“I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.” — Charles Lamb
“A mother becomes a true grandmother the day she stops noticing the terrible things her children do because she is so enchanted with the wonderful things her grandchildren do.”—Lois Wyse
“Kilometers are shorter than miles. Save gas, take your next trip in kilometers.”
– George Carlin
"Food is an important part of a balanced diet." —Fran Lebowitz
“Everything goes better with tacos.”
― Rachel Caine
“We must fall in love with yourselves. I don’t like myself. I’m crazy about myself.”
– Mae West
“Never have more children than you have car windows.”
– Erma Bombeck
"I am allergic to stupidity, so I break out in sarcasm."
Anonymous
“The most important four words for a successful marriage: ‘I’ll do the dishes.’”—Anonymous
"It wasn't love at first sight. It took a full five minutes." Lucille Ball
“If only God would give me a clear sign, like making a large deposit in my swiss bank account." ~ Woody Allen
“A good rule to remember for life is that when it comes to plastic surgery and sushi, never be attracted by a bargain.”
Graham Norton
"Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted."
“I believe someone made a grievous mistake when summer was created; no novitiate or god in their right mind would make a season akin to hell on purpose. Someone should be fired.”
― Michelle Franklin
“Hiking is just walking where it’s okay to pee.” – Demetri Martin
“Driving at night is about communicating with lights.”
— Lukhman Pambra
George Burns
First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.
A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.
Bob Hope
“The Thanksgiving tradition is, we overeat. ‘Hey, how about at Thanksgiving we just eat a lot?’ ‘But we do that every day!’ ‘Oh. What if we eat a lot with people that annoy the hell out of us?'”—Jim Gaffigan
“Your body is not a temple, it’s an amusement park. Enjoy the ride.”
― Anthony Bourdain
“Gardeners know the best dirt.”
— Anonymous
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