“Fact. Pisces is the most wobbly sign of the zodiac.”
— Mary English
“The best things in life are free, but sooner or later the government will find a way to tax them.”
"The best way to garden is to put on a wide-brimmed straw hat and some old clothes. And with a hoe in one hand and a cold drink in the other, tell somebody else where to dig."
- Texas Bix Bender, Don't Throw in the Trowel
“Have leftover Eggo waffles from your Eleven Halloween costume? We’ll show you how to make it into Thanksgiving stuffing. After the break.” — John Mayer
“It’s not easy being a mom. If it were easy, fathers would do it.”—Betty White
“The waste of money cures itself, for soon there is no more to waste." ~M.W. Harrison
"If I’d known I was going to live this long, I’d have taken better care of myself." - Anonymous
“Buying your kid a goldfish is a great way to teach them about responsibility for 24-36 hours”
- Conan O’Brien.
"Camping is a humanitarian effort to help feed hungry mosquitoes."
- Melanie White
“No, please, don’t eat me. I have a wife and kids. Eat them!” - Homer Simpson
“They were a people so primitive they did not know how to get money, except by working for it.” Joseph Addison.
“Parents of newborn babies are basically hostages in their own house with a severe case of Stockholm Syndrome.”
- Nate Smith.
“I’ve never met an animal I didn’t like, and I can’t say the same thing about people.”
- Doris Day.
“Older siblings: the only people who will pick on you for their own entertainment and beat up anyone else who tries.”—Unknown
“You only live once… Lick the bowl!”
― Unknown
"I live in a mad house run by a tiny army that I made myself." — Anonymous
“When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.”
Rita Rudner
“The Taxpayer’s prayer: Oh Mighty Internal Revenue Service, who turneth the labor of man to ashes, we thank thee for the multitude of thy forms which thou hast set before us and for the infinite confusion of thy commandments, which mulitplyth the fortunes of lawyer and accountant alike.”
— Russell Baker
“Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.” — Groucho Marx
"I thought I was promiscuous, but it turns out I was just thorough." — Russell Brand
“Keep calm and ommm… nonommm…” — Anonymous
“Money is like manure. You have to spread it around or it smells." ~J. Paul Getty
"I figure that if the children are alive when I get home, I’ve done my job." – Roseanne Barr
“The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it.” —Anne Bancroft
"Don't make love by the garden gate - love is blind, but the neighbours ain't." - Anonymous
"I can honestly say I love getting older. Then again, I never put my glasses on before looking in the mirror." - Cherie Lunghi
"If more of us valued food and cheer and song above hoarded gold, it would be a merrier world."
– J.R.R. Tolkien
"A survey says that American workers work the first three hours every day just to pay their taxes. So that's why we can't get anything done in the morning: We're government workers."
— Jay Leno
"Do you know what breakfast cereal is made of? It's made of all those little curly wooden shavings you find in pencil sharpeners!"
— Roald Dahl
“I find being a Pisces a bit of a rollercoaster sometimes! I can talk myself right in and right out of any decision, any subject, any time.”
— Mary English
“People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day!” — Anonymous
“By the time you’re 80 years old you’ve learned everything. You only have to remember it.” - George Burns
"Love is grand. Divorce is a hundred grand." - Unknown
"The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you're not in shape for it, it's too far to walk back"- Franklin P. Jones
"I always write “Wake Up” on my To-Do-List so I can at least accomplish one thing a day."
– Unknown
“Hard work spotlights the character of people: some turn up their sleeves, some turn up their noses, and some don’t turn up at all.” – Sam Ewing
“Mondays are mundane, like Tuesdays minus 24 hours.”
— Jarod Kintz
The church is prayer-conditioned. -- Anonymous
"I am allergic to stupidity, so I break out in sarcasm."
Anonymous
Young man, the secret of my success is that at an early age I discovered I was not God. -- Oliver Wendell Holmes Jr.
"Everyone is born equal in life, until they get married." — Anonymous
"It’s bad manners to let vacation wait!"
“So few people admit to belief in astrology, but I am yet to meet anyone who doesn't know their star sign.”
― P.K. Shaw
“The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.”
- Andy Rooney.
"You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks." - Joel Plaskett
“I am a friend of the workingman, and I would rather be his friend, than be one.” — Clarence Darrow.
"Act like a horse. Be dumb. Just run."
Jumbo Elliot
“My daughters only six months old and already drawing. I’d hang it on the fridge, but honestly, its absolute garbage.” – Ryan Reynolds
"Then there was the man who declared in court, he wasn't a person. "Excuse me, sir, why haven't you paid your taxes." "Well, as you can clearly see, I am not a person." "Well, you look like a person." "No it's all done with mirrors, trust me!"
- Lewis Black
“It just occurred to me that the majority of my diet is made up of the foods that my kid didn’t finish.”
- Carrie Underwood.
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